


Hello, Time Bomb

by Mussimm



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Medical Procedures
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-23
Updated: 2016-01-20
Packaged: 2017-11-10 13:20:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 56
Words: 140,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/466750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mussimm/pseuds/Mussimm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The success of an undertaking is not determined by its necessity. The Lazarus Project was never likely to succeed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Prologue**

* * *

_One_

* * *

_I believe there is a saying amongst you humans: "Even a broken clock is correct two times a day."_

Her squad always stopped talking when she entered the room. She never understood that. She wasn't the kind of officer to buddy up to her men. She didn't play cards or share stories. But she wasn't about to put them on latrine duty for breathing too loudly in her presence.

That was irrelevant now. The message had come in overnight. She was to be reassigned after what was to be their last strike, a surgically precise removal of a slaving operation in the Skyllian Verge. They'd taken the news with the expected lack of fanfare.

"Who's your replacement going to be?" Long had asked.

"I don't know."

Being transferred out of black ops meant she would probably never see these men again. They'd been together two years. They were good, they'd do fine under any half competent officer. Maybe their next one would be more in line with their tastes.

She owned three personal items. Packet of hair ties, stronger than standard issue, to avoid her hair worrying the back of her neck. Leggings, poly-cotton blend, black, slight wear on the inner seams, for crawl space infiltration when she couldn't afford a buckle or button striking metal and giving away her position. Pistol, Hangman 1, one standard mod, one illegal, sentimental value.

It didn't take her long to pack.

The _Normandy_ was waiting.

* * *

_Two_

* * *

_Our orders were clear: make Commander Shepard who she was before the explosion—the same mind, the same morals, the same personality. If we alter her personality in any way, if she's somehow not the woman she used to be, the Lazarus Project will have failed._

Outside the station was a star collapsing, casting the Illusive Man's face brilliant in lights of blue and red. Smoke curled upward from a cigarette nestled between two fingers. His stare was piercing, implants glowing behind his irises. His face impassive, there was nothing that could disturb him.

Miranda had known the man for years and she couldn't remember him ever having so much as a hair out of place. War, terrorism, infiltration, nothing flustered him. Two years ago one of his top scientists had been taken alive by the Alliance military, a man that could implicate them in Akuze. The Illusive Man hadn't even smoked an extra cigarette. Not a week into his incarceration the scientist had been found in his cell, hanged with his own bed sheets.

Today was different. Miranda didn't frighten easily. She knew she was a resource, and a valuable one. She was in little personal danger. But her personal safety was insignificant compared to the enormity of the news she had to bring. This was about their future as a species. That shadow over their future frightened her.

The Lazarus Research Station was gone. Wilson was a traitor. Her entire team had been wiped out. None of that mattered.

"Project Lazarus has failed."

* * *

_Three_

* * *

_Only the foolish mourn the loss of innocence. It is inevitable. The galaxy has never rewarded the naive._

"I ask for a Reaper expert and you bring me a Cerberus cyborg?" Udina blustered, gesticulating wildly as he paced his office. "Just tell me you're not thinking of instating that _thing_ as if it were human. Bad enough that you gave it a gun, for God's sake."

Anderson leaned against the balcony, looking out into the Presidium. Udina loved to act as if he were the only one with a problem. The cyborg in question was inscrutable, its face still covered. It sat in one of the chairs against the wall, both hands wrapped around a beat-up pistol, seemingly oblivious to the conversation.

"I'm no happier about this than you are, Udina, but if the public knew that Commander Shepard is dead, the blow to morale could be catastrophic. If we publicly admit that we don't have her, the Reapers have already won."

Udina scowled. "So what do you propose?"

"She's more a diplomat than you or I have ever been. Her name carries weight. As long as this thing can walk and talk like her, it might just be enough to get the support we need."

The councillor appraised the thing that wore Shepard's face, fingers of one hand resting on his chin. Anderson never thought he'd sink this low, but Shepard had spear-headed the Alliance's anti-Reaper movement. Without her it fell to him to rally the galaxy, and he couldn't let his personal feelings get in the way of galactic safety.

Udina met Anderson's eyes. It was one of those rare moments where both men thought the exact same thing: this was disgusting, but it was necessary. Anderson grimaced. Ivy Shepard – the _real_ Ivy Shepard – would be honoured when this war was over. Until then, this would have to stand.

"We'll do what we must." Udina stalked back to his desk and absorbed himself in a datapad, as if pretending none of this had happened. "Get that thing out of my office."


	2. A Tale of Two Alliance Issue Temptations

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 1**

**A Tale of Two Alliance Issue Temptations**

* * *

_One_

* * *

The _SSV Normandy_ was an impressive vessel. All smooth lines of gleaming metal, the Alliance colours proudly emblazoned on the hull, if there was a poster-child for the navy, she would be it. She was a special ship, he could tell.

0754\. The production docks were quiet, the _Normandy_ the only frigate scheduled for commission that day. The walkways held a few workers, mostly for the soon-to-be-commissioned carrier at the far end of the docks, a dozen cavernous bays empty between the ships. It was all dwarfed by the star-spangled sky visible through the top of the station. He liked Arcturus. It was clean, efficient and quiet.

Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko stood at the docks examining his new posting, leaning against the sterile white rails that separated him from the ship. At 0800 Zulu the officers' inspection would begin, but he wanted a first look. Co-developed with the turians, cutting edge stealth technology, one of the fastest vessels he'd ever served aboard, and fresh off the production line.

A good captain could accomplish a lot of things in a ship like this. A captain like Anderson, heading a crew of war heroes and specialists. Kaidan wasn't exactly surprised to be included under that heading, most people saw a functioning L2 biotic as nothing short of a miracle. Still, he wasn't sure that not having brain cancer should count as a qualification. Not compared to some of the other dossiers he'd read. Flight Lieutenant Moreau was ranked as the top Alliance pilot, outclassing even his own instructor . Doctor Chakwas had served at Shanxi, the Skyllian Blitz, Torfan, and a half dozen other high profile hot zones. Commander Shepard was the Hero of Elysium seven years ago and everything in her profile after that was classified.

But he, Kaidan Alenko, L2 biotic, didn't have brain cancer.

He was confident that he could fill his assigned role – his name hadn't been picked out of a hat – but he wasn't looking forward to meeting another crew who considered his abilities a curiosity or a danger without having any real interest in learning the facts. Most under- or overestimated biotics, considering them either cripples or supermen, and finding out which way his new CO was disposed was never fun. It would settle after a few weeks or months, but until then he'd have to take extra care not to make people think he could read minds.

It seemed appropriate, somehow, for this ship. Untested technology, pushing new boundaries. This ship and everyone aboard were expected to perform above and beyond the conventional standard.

A few more people had arrived on the dock, other officers he presumed, and they stared up at the new ship as well, talking amongst themselves. Most of the officers were techs, and this was the shiniest toy they'd ever been given.

He heard Captain Anderson's resonating voice before he came into sight, his deep baritone echoing around the walkways of the dock. Kaidan pushed back from the railing, preparing to meet his captain and XO, but when he saw in profile the woman walking along the far mezzanine, his mind froze.

Kaidan wasn't the kind of man to be struck dumb by a woman. He didn't consider himself shallow or superficial, looks weren't that important to him. He could appreciate a pretty face, but he was also a marine, a man of action. Maybe it was because he was expecting a grizzled soldier, all scars and callouses, someone who wouldn't look out of place holding a knife between her teeth. Commander Shepard struck him dumb.

She was walking a pace behind Captain Anderson, her dress blues pressed to perfection, not a single auburn hair out of place. Huge doe eyes fixed on her omni-tool, her perfect, _perfect_ lips parted slightly. She just looked so... soft. Soft eyes, soft face, soft skin, soft lips moistened by a soft pink tongue that darted over them. The fabric of her uniform clung to her first-class body, hips swaying gently as she walked. Through the misfire in his brain Kaidan felt that this sort of thing should be included in an officer's file, some warning for junior officers. _Cmd. Shepard is sex on legs, please find enclosed a copy of the fraternisation regs._

He noticed a tiny, rebellious curl that had sprung loose from her neatly tied hair, falling over her forehead.

The two officers rounded the corner onto the _Normandy_ 's docking, and Kaidan's rapidly rising body temperature gave a squawk of protest and receded. He kept from wincing, barely, but seeing his new XO full frontal was almost as confronting as his first view of her.

Burns covered the upper left side of her face, her eyebrow gone, her eye puckered half closed, and although her hair artfully concealed the area, it was obvious that the scarring extended far behind her normal hairline above her ear.

That... was more how he imagined an N7.

The swift rise and fall of his hormones left Kaidan unsteady, and when the officers approached he saluted a little too sharply, pulse hammering in his ears. He tried to make polite eye contact with the commander without staring at her scars and failed miserably, barely hearing what Captain Anderson was saying. He didn't know where to look, thrown off balance. She returned the salute and he saw matching burns on the back of her hands, disappearing under the cuffs of her jacket.

"At ease," Captain Anderson commanded them, and Kaidan fell back on protocol.

Just like the _Normandy_ , Commander Shepard was new, and left him feeling out of place. Like the ship she was half beautiful, half deadly. And like the ship, he knew his duties, no matter how uncomfortable he felt.

"This is Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko, our field medic."

Kaidan saluted again, keeping still under the commander's gaze. "Ma'am."

She met his gaze, eyes impossibly dark. Paused. Licked her lips. No matter how scarred her eyes were, those lips should have been illegal. "Lieutenant."

He didn't let his surprise show when she moved on. Usually on first meeting officers wanted to get to know their crew, asked questions, cited past postings. That was how it was done. He watched her move up the line, and she offered no more than a word or two to anyone, her bare speech only punctuated by long, grave pauses.

The other officers watched her with the same wariness that Kaidan felt. Their eyes darting away from her face, then from her hands, settling somewhere over her shoulder when she approached them directly, each radiating relief when she moved on. The strange thing was that he knew those looks, those not-quite-looks, that awkward caution and the relief. It was usually reserved for L2s.

The inspection finished, the captain opened the hatch on the _Normandy_.

Kaidan lingered a moment, casting one last look at the hull. This was home for the foreseeable future, her problems were his problems, her high points were his advantage and her shortcomings were his to pick up.

Beside him Commander Shepard stared up at the ship. He looked over and met her eyes, this time not flinching away. The initial shock had worn off, and he decided that his first assessment had been right. Those eyes were the softest he'd ever seen. He gave her a respectful nod. "Ma'am."

A half smile tugged at the corner of her mouth, and she kept eye contact. "Lieutenant."

By some silent mutual agreement neither looked away, held eye contact for a long second until Captain Anderson's voice broke through.

"All aboard. Let's see our new ship."

He cast one last glance at the woman to his right, and as soon as she turned away, he smiled to himself.

Commander Shepard was an impressive officer. She was a special woman, he could tell.


	3. High Impact Explosives

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 2**

**High-Impact Explosives**

* * *

_One_

* * *

Commander Shepard liked the _Normandy_ , but not without reservations. It was a marvel of engineering, interlocking plates, and underlying hardware that both was functional and possessed a pleasing aesthetic. The VI was competent, the stealth system impeccable, and the operational standard above reproach. The turian designed command deck was efficient, and she liked that. The galaxy map hummed pleasantly over her head, . The whole interior was smooth, clean, clinical.

She had been enamoured with the ship upon first sight. She found her transfer from special ops inexplicable, but it wasn't her place to question her orders, so she complied. Inquiring further with Anderson proved fruitless, anyway. She wasn't surprised that a stealth vessel staffed with special ops personnel would be on a classified mission, so she was content to wait for the briefing, while remaining anxious to see how her new assignment compared to the old.

The crew were the kind of pedigree that the Alliance liked to splash all over news feeds. Heroes. Brave and competent. The kind of men and women who could walk into a situation and fix it without any fanfare. Like she had at Elysium and ever since. They were all regulation perfect and respectful of their commanding officers. The pilot and staff lieutenant didn't seem to mind her silent presence in the cockpit, the engineering personnel were happy to share their space.

And that was where her enjoyment of this beautiful new ship ended, and her reservations began. She couldn't find a single thing to complain about. She, who had the handbook memorised, couldn't find a flaw in the ship, her crew, or her operations. She liked everything about the _Normandy_ and that seemed to point in only one direction.

Publicity stunt.

A picture-perfect human-turian operation that would give the Alliance good publicity and possibly mend a few bridges with the Hierarchy. Important for the higher-ups, but she would have to object to their choice of XO. Despite her reputation for Elysium, she made for a poor spokesperson, even she could see that. She could make a bigger impact in the field.

Her suspicions were only exacerbated when they were given orders to make a pit stop at Taetrus to pick up a turian Spectre. A pointless addition for a shakedown run, but a perfect addition to their turian-friendly stage show. But if this was what she was called upon to do, she would do it.

So she had pressed the seam in her dress blue pants to a perfect point, starched her whites to perfect crispness, polished her buttons to a perfect shine, tried once again to tame the curl in her hair off her forehead, and now stood in the CIC to greet their guest. Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko stood beside her, and whenever she looked at him he quickly looked away.

She liked Alenko. He seemed to be good at his job, and his biotics interested her. She had read up on L2 biotics, their initial exposure, the crude implants, and Biotic Acclimation and Temperance Training. The results were poor, but there were a handful of higher functioning biotic soldiers with L2 implants, and their abilities were universally valued by their COs. Alenko was well past the mean age for further symptomatic presentation, his functionality likely wouldn't change, so she was glad to have him on her crew. He did seem interested in her scars. That was normal.

She swallowed, curled her tongue. _Breathe from the diaphram_. "Napalm."

Alenko started. "Pardon, ma'am?"

Breathe from the diaphram. "The scars. Napalm."

He seemed confused. She thought she had been concise.

"The Alliance hasn't used napalm in eighty years."

"It was..." She had to pause, feeling her mouth tighten. _Breathe_. "...all I had on hand."

That must have satisfied him, because he didn't question her further and stopped looking at her. Good, with his curiosity sated he would be more focussed. It was difficult to build familiarity with new ground teams; there couldn't be anything unspoken between them. Jenkins would be a little harder, he seemed less given to careful listening. Still, with time and patience she could make herself heard.

The airlock opened at the far end of the heat monitoring stations, and she watched Anderson greet the Spectre. Nihlus Kryik was the name, if she remembered the briefing correctly. Turian, clan markings present, weapons secured, no visible sign of injury or distress. She relaxed a little. The situation was normal. Nihlus was tall and lean, even for a turian. He carried himself with an easy grace, alert but not alarmed as he made his way towards the CIC.

He gave Shepard a brief, appraising glance, and she met him steadily, allowing him to assess her as she had assessed him.

"This is Commander Ivy Shepard," Anderson said, stopping in front of her.

"Shepard," said Nihlus. He would have been briefed on her. Would know not to expect any prolonged conversation. "I saw the report on Elysium. You seem to have a good grasp of urban warfare. The lack of civilian casualties was surprising."

She nodded. "That's what my file says."

"I've heard that you're a technician. You work on weapon modification, don't you?"

He certainly seemed intent on talking. She looked at the pistol secured to his hip and wondered if he was toying with her. The mk-4 high explosive rounds chip was clearly visible in the handle of his sidearm, even when the weapon was collapsed. Nihlus followed her gaze and expanded the pistol. She flinched involuntarily, knowing what that weapon could do.

"So it's true, you did design this mod," the Spectre said, examining the chip.

That was a fallacy. The prototype Shepard developed was an attempt to field rig her pistol as a grenade launcher when she was seventeen. The marketed version was significantly less volatile, and less powerful. But it was integrally her design, so she supposed there was no sense in correcting him.

"Yes."

Shepard had the feeling that even if she did correct him, she'd be reiterating old information. He knew. He was a Spectre, any interest he had in her could easily be satisfied by looking over her file, the classified sections would be entirely open to him. This was a test. He wanted to see how much he could get her talking, stating a half truth and waiting for the correction.

"It's a good mod. A lot of Spectres use it."

It was a hack job. A high-output disaster waiting to happen, lacking finesse and precision. A better all-rounder for crowd control would be the more refined version she had developed after Elysium, the sledgehammer rounds. They produced the same stunning effect, but working around civilians and property was significantly easier. They were the weapon of a strategist.

Nihlus knew that. She knew that he knew that. This was a test, and it wasn't fooling her.

"Glad you're enjoying it."

Turian facial expressions were difficult to read, even for someone who had studied them. But Nihlus' mandibles twitched in amusement and he moved on. He offered her no further questions, so she assumed that her answers had pleased him. She would have to brush up on turian mannerisms; it was clear that interacting with Nihlus would become a regular occurrence.

She watched him move along the row of people, showing no particular interest in anyone else. From the tightness in the others' posture she thought the others might have found the Spectre intimidating. Despite herself, she liked him.

She liked his attitude, liked his choice of weapons, and liked his tactics. She even liked the design of his facial markings. Pulled off her operation or no, she didn't mind being at the mercy of this picture-perfect council operative.

She could shelve her reservations until she saw where this was going.


	4. Integral Design Flaws and How To Fix Them

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 3**

**Integral Design Flaws and How to Fix Them**

* * *

_One_

* * *

Kaidan hated sleeper pods. They were cramped, uncomfortable, lacked privacy, and were difficult to leave before the pre-programmed sleep cycle finished. Being inside one felt too much like being trapped. The anxiety was difficult to fight against, and sometimes evolved into a migraine if he let himself get too nervous, so he had learned early that if he awoke in the middle of the night, it was a good idea just to get out, wait an hour or two, then resume the cycle.

The skeleton crew that kept the ship running while the officers slept were the only ones awake, and did not look up as he walked past them. The med bay was closed, the mess dim, and the tech stations powered down, so he took the elevator down to the parking bay. The Normandy was fitted with top-of-the-line equipment, but he'd only had a cursory glance at the MAKO and armoury.

The new MAKOs were good machines – nearly indestructible, agile as a dune buggy, and armoured like a tank with the firepower to match – but he'd heard they had some suspension problems. Some of the stories he'd heard made him think the slightest bump would send them bouncing off a cliff. It was worth looking at.

The garage was probably the only problem with the _Normandy_. Ships were supposed to use space efficiently, but the _Normandy_ seemed to pride itself on the cluttered, unconscionably big hold space. The tiniest noise echoed mercilessly. He couldn't imagine how noisy it would be when someone was performing major repairs.

As if in response, a clang of metal on metal rang around the bay, painfully loud in the empty room. Kaidan looked down and saw a pair of legs sticking out from under the MAKO. Someone had beaten him to the punch. He rubbed the bridge of his nose, trying not to let the unexpected noise turn into a headache.

The legs under the MAKO bent in a decidedly feminine way, and the delicate curve of ankle and calf under the thick trousers could only belong to one person on board, unless Adams had been holding out on him.

"Evening, commander."

"Lieutenant."

Her voice was slurred and she didn't make any attempt to remove herself from the underside of the vehicle. She'd probably heard the same things about the MAKO, and was working on its suspension.

He lay down beside her and shuffled underneath. "Mind if I take a look?"

"Go ahead."

Beneath the MAKO, it was almost completely dark as the commander only held a small torch between her teeth. She wasn't working on the suspension like he'd thought, but was wrist deep into the stabilising boosters' control panel. She was struggling to hold the flashlight still, the light reflecting off her bared teeth.

Kaidan raised his hand and performed the first trick they'd been taught at brain camp. The underside of the vehicle lit up, and a glowing ball of energy hovered between them. He didn't usually use his biotics around other people unless he was on the field, but it took next to no concentration to keep up and part of him wanted to see how Shepard would react.

She spat her torch onto the ground and continued working, not taking her eyes off the wiring.

"Thank you," she said.

"No problem," he replied, glad she wasn't looking at him. He felt a little too pleased by her reaction. Clearly she didn't want to make a big deal out of his abilities, so he didn't make any comment, instead turning his attention to the suspension.

He hadn't seen the system before, but he was familiar with its basic design. He'd fixed more than a couple of the earlier models, and this was always the first thing to go. The springwork was some of the heaviest he'd ever seen, with a hydropneumatic system, thick bands of rubber bushing covering half the components, and excessive damping controls. This kind of heavy-duty system was in place to protect the passengers first and foremost and wasn't built for easy control.

He borrowed one of the screwdrivers she had lying beside her and started assessing the hydraulics, removing the casings to see what kind of flow they provided. This was kind of relaxation he needed in the middle of the night. He loved the military at times like this. Sure, they let him see the galaxy, but he also had access to a range of hardware he wouldn't easily find anywhere else. A shrink would probably have a field day with his compulsion to fix and improve things, but to him, being here, in semi-darkness, being useful and using his training, it just felt right. And Shepard silently working beside him wasn't anything to complain about either.

He replaced the casing, tightening the screws, making mental notes. He'd submit a report to Anderson as soon as he'd field tested it.

"Assessment?" Shepard asked.

"Hard to say before I've seen it in action. It's a solid system – best I've seen – and it'll keep us safe, but it's not going to be easy to drive. If we have any trouble I can soften the hydraulics, make the handling smoother."

"Submit a proposal. To me."

He half smiled. Having a techie commander could work to his advantage. "Yes, ma'am."

"Hold this."

She offered the screwdriver she was keeping in place and he complied, as she worked with pliers and iron. "What are we doing here, exactly, Commander?"

"The thrusters... burn too fast. A slow burn... gives better stability."

"Sounds like you've had one of these before."

"Mm. My last post."

It was hard to tell if her stilted speech was from concentration or something else. Maybe she wasn't fluent in English – though in that case she'd probably just rely on a translator. Her file would have mentioned an injury to the throat or mouth if it affected her speech.

"This is my first time with a tech commander," he admitted. "Usually this sort of thing gets ignored by a CO until somebody gets hurt."

"You've been around. Career man?" she said around the pliers she was now holding between her teeth.

"Yeah, a lot of biotics are. We're not restricted but we sure don't go undocumented. May as well get a paycheck for it. Besides, my father served. Made him proud when I enlisted – eventually." He released his grip on the screwdriver when she reached for it, and scooted back to give her some room. "But is that why you're here? Because of your family?"

"I never knew them. Street kid."

"Where did you grow up?"

"Moscow."

"Oh." Kaidan paused, trying to wrap his head around that. There were a few kids at BAaT with rough pasts, and a few more at Alliance boot camp. Some of the best marines he knew came from underdeveloped areas of Earth. She was the first he'd met without any family at all, and Moscow wasn't exactly a prime holiday destination.

The first thing that came to mind at the mention of Moscow was the gangs. Last he heard they'd almost overrun the city openly.

He was glad he took a moment to think about that, and pretty soon it all clicked into place. A street kid from Moscow wasn't going to make her way by being an upstanding citizen, she'd have to survive off a practical skill. A skill like modding weapons and fixing engines for the gangsters.

"But you speak English," he said.

She nodded, but said nothing.

"You're not much of a talker, are you, ma'am?"

That amused her, and she smirked under the glow of his biotic light, eyes glistening. "I... don't sing, either."

She was deeply focussed on the circuit in front of her, and he inspected the work. It was exactly what he expected from her, clean and direct, but unconventional. "You wouldn't need to add that diode if you... Uh, may I?"

He took the tools from her hands as she relinquished them, shooting him an intrigued glance before turning her attention to his work. He discarded her diode and with a few quick placements had the power routed through another circuit and soldered it into place, leaving the circuit much cleaner than her intended end stage. He urged his light closer, illuminating it for Shepard's inspection.

She looked closely at his work, and nodded slowly. "Nice work, Lieutenant."

"Thank you, ma'am."

She shut the cover on the controls. "I think we're d-d-done."

Kaidan met her eyes, feeling the surprise on his own face but unable to control it. His light stuttered and failed, leaving them in the dark.

_A speech impediment_. If he thought of passing it off as a single incident she threw that idea out the airlock, stiffening beside him and too quickly crawling out from under the MAKO, as if trying to escape. He followed more slowly, collecting her tools as he went.

Shepard glared at him evenly when he stood to face her. She was embarrassed. Her face didn't look it, but the tendons in her neck were raised with tension, her arms crossed protectively over her chest. She was embarrassed, and his reaction probably hadn't helped. However she was a marine, not a little girl, and was meeting him head on.

"You d-d-don't need to concern yourself," she said in a calm, authoritative tone, with no more pauses or deep breathing. "I've n-n-never stut-tuttered in the field."

He found himself being the one to measure his words very carefully. No wonder she hardly talked. "If command has found you fit for duty, I trust their judgement."

"Good. G-get some sleep, Lieutenant."

She turned on her heel and marched to the elevator.

When the doors closed behind her Kaidan sighed and rubbed his temples. He'd handled that badly. What a way to get on the bad side of his XO. What an XO to get assigned to. What a night.

He eyed the elevator and decided Shepard was right. He did need sleep and being in a sleeper pod suddenly didn't seem half as bad as being out of one.


	5. In Which Kaidan Screws Up

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 4**

**In Which Kaidan Screws Up**

* * *

_One_

* * *

Kaidan had been on some messed up missions before. Bad recon, unexpected hostiles, sudden changes in objective. But Eden Prime was something else.

From a pickup to a search and rescue to a search and retrieval, to... to he didn't even know the classification. Chasing a rogue Spectre while trying to disarm enough ordnance to level the colony. Jenkins was dead, killed before they'd even known they were under attack, Williams had lost her unit, and the Geth were attacking full force. It was way outside their briefing.

Shepard was probably the only reason the mission stayed on target. She still had him in the deep freeze after the incident in the garage, but like her work under the MAKO, her command was fast, precise and confident. When Jenkins was shot down, he hadn't even fully taken cover when he heard the first shot. Then two more in quick succession, and the drones were gone. After that it was a steady push forwards, and she hadn't lied, her orders were barked out without hesitation or stumbling. She was a hell of an officer.

She incorporated his biotics into the fighting easily, they complemented each other. She was useless at mid-range, he and Williams covered from a mid distance with SMG and biotics while she either sniped with her rifle from range or fought with fast, brutal strikes at knife fighting distance. When Shepard was fighting close up Kaidan and Williams would cover her flank, then push forward while she took out enemies they hadn't even seen yet.

It was a mechanical, rhythmic pattern of moving forward and hanging back, giving them no time to think about the disaster that was happening around them, all timed to the pulse of the sniper rifle.

"Alenko, defuse the bomb. Williams, cover us."

He knelt next to the bomb, the sound of Williams' assault rifle and Shepard's sniper assured him that he didn't need to look up. Shepard was a one bullet, one kill fighter, so the more rounds she fired off, the less incoming fire he had to ignore. It took him under ten seconds to disarm the bomb, and the Commander less time than that to clear the walkway above them.

"Clear," he said, stepping back.

"Keep moving," Shepard pushed forward. "Williams, take point. Alenko, deal with ten o'clock. Throw."

He did as she instructed, bioticly hurling the geth trooper over the railing, onto the tram tracks below.

Seconds ticked by excruciatingly, counting down the time until Eden Prime became known as Ground Zero, but Shepard kept them moving, methodically defusing the situation. They'd lost Saren, but the colony would stay standing. Kaidan knelt beside the last bomb as it ticked past forty seconds.

Somewhere in his peripheral vision Shepard tackled a husk. When she had first seen them the horror Kiadan felt didn't show on her face. She just frowned. They were fast and erratic, a sniper's achilles heel. His biotics were better to handle them, or Williams' shotgun, but Shepard was determined to join in the fight the only way she could, up close and personal.

He finished the disarming sequence just as he heard the crack of the husk's skull against the metal grating of the walkway, and with a final gurgle everything fell silent.

Kaidan stood, looking around him. He checked his omnitool's scanner. Nothing. They were gone, Eden Prime was secure.

"Keep moving," Shepard ordered.

The beacon glowed green ahead of them, humming with a strange energy that made his teeth itch. Shepard was on the radio with the Normandy, leaving Kaidan and Williams to guard the cargo. It was amazing. Actual, working Prothean technology. The last time humanity made this sort of find they'd been shot into the galactic community, changing their way of life. This could be momentous, that beacon could contain anything, could have far reaching implications for all of humanity, maybe all species.

So he did something stupid.

He wasn't even within ten feet of it when he felt the tug at his ankles, heard voices whispering in his ear. In a split second he realised he'd made a mistake, but couldn't back out, it had caught him in some field, and it felt like something enormous was just out of his reach, like he could see something just below the horizon. A momentary panic welled up in his chest, and then just as quickly as it had started, he was thrown clear, leaving his head spinning.

He landed heavily, and looked back in time to see Shepard take the full brunt of whatever the beacon had been trying to force on him.

Shepard was lifted off the ground, her body pulled taut, her eyes wide and staring blankly. She started making a small choking sound at the back of her throat and Kaidan reached for her, but Williams held him back.

"No, don't touch her!"

Shepard drew in a choking gasp of air and collapsed onto the ground. Kaidan crawled to her side, removing her helmet. She was unconscious but breathing, her pulse erratic but strong.

"She's alive," he told Williams. He opened up the radio channel to the Normandy. _"Normandy_ this is Eden Prime ground team, Commander Shepard is down, request immediate patient transport."

He cracked open the fastenings on the chest of her hardsuit, letting her breathe easier, then started his field assessment, all the time repeating to himself: _stupid, stupid, stupid._ Messing around with unknown alien technology. Way to go, Alenko. At least she was still breathing. Just keep breathing, Shepard.

She was stable, all he could do was wait. When the transport arrived he helped move her onto the stretcher, hoping she'd regain consciousness and give him a long, disapproving stare. On the way back to the Normandy he watched her, increasingly sure that she wasn't going to wake up anytime soon.

Onboard he changed back into his duty uniform, attended the debriefing, submitted his report and polished the geth hydraulic fluid off his hardsuit, all with a shadow hanging over him. She had to wake up, she had to be alright.

Eventually there was nothing to do except sit in the medbay, watching over her. She was still pale. Well, she was always pale, but now she was so pale that the puckered pink skin around her eye looked bright red by comparison. Her hair had been loosened, falling in curls down one side of her face, drawn back to expose the full length of her scarring down the other. She had lost the top of her left ear, and the burns streaked back to the nape of her neck, light pebbling at the edges, angry red gouges at the centre. Her arms were the same, the back of her right hand was barely scarred, but her on her left the burns extended halfway up her bicep. It must have been one hell of an explosion.

Shepard started tossing restlessly in her sleep after a few hours. Dr. Chakwas looked at her scans and frowned, but remained tight lipped. She stilled again after a while, but occasionally here eyes would flutter and she'd make that same choking noise she made back on Eden Prime.

It had been fifteen long hours when her eyes opened. Kaidan was half asleep, but her groan of protest had him wide awake in seconds.

"Chakwas, Dr. Chakwas! I think she's waking up."

He stood back to let the doctor work, but Shepard sat up, rubbed her forehead, and looked around as if she'd awoken from oversleeping. Dr. Chakwas looked her over.

"You had us worried there, Shepard. How are you feeling?"

Shepard squeezed her eyes shut against the light for a moment, then gave a non-committal grunt. "Mm. What happened?"

"Something happened down there with the beacon, I think."

"It's my fault," Kaidan said. "I must have triggered some kind of security field when I approached it. You had to push me out of the way."

Shepard waved him down, still holding her forehead. "Not your fault."

"Actually we don't even know that's what set it off. Unfortunately we'll never get the chance to find out."

"The beacon exploded,Kaidan explained. "A system overload maybe, the blast knocked you cold. Williams and I carried you back to the ship."

The reproachful glare he'd been waited for didn't come. She almost smiled. "Thank you."

Kaidan felt a smile tug at his own lips. He was already in her bad books, it was pretty big of her to overlook his screw up.

"Physically you're fine," Dr. Chakwas continued. "But I detected some unusual brain activity, abnormal beta waves, I also noticed an increase in your rapid eye movement, signs typically associated with intense dreaming."

The smile faded from Shepard's face. She looked straight ahead, not meeting the doctor's eyes and not saying anything.

"Commander?" Chakwas asked. "Is there something I should add to my report?"

Shepard glanced at the doctor before fixing her gaze on the wall again, her shoulders squared. "The b-beacon contained information."

Kaidan frowned. She hadn't flinched at the geth, the husks or the bombs. Whatever information she was talking about had shaken her up more than all of those combined.

"What kind of information?"

"The... bad kind."

"Hmm, I'll have to add this to my report, it may...The doctor trailed off when the door slip open. "Oh, Captain Anderson."

"How's our XO holding up, doctor?" the captain asked.

"Well all the readings look normal, I'd say the commander's going to be fine."

"Glad to hear it. Ivy, I need to speak with you. In private."

Kaidan could take a hint. He saluted. "Aye aye, captain. I'll be in the mess if you need me."

He left the room, not showing his reluctance. She'd seen something. That beacon had told her something. That huge force he'd felt trying to get into his mind had reached hers, and whatever it had to say had thrown her way off balance. A soldier like Shepard didn't rattle easy.

After a long, pregnant silence the infirmary door opened.

Shepard had thrown off her funk, strolling through the mess as if she hadn't just been mind probed by an alien beacon. The crewmen averted their eyes. They'd taken to doing that.

Kaidan deliberately met her gaze and saluted. "Ma'am."

"Lieutenant."

He'd been an idiot to doubt her. For just a moment, when Jenkins went down, he thought it might be because she hadn't been able to call out quickly enough. Now that the blood wasn't thumping in his ears, now he'd seen her with the sniper rifle and omnitool, he knew that wasn't how it went down. Jenkins hadn't been aware, those drones had come out of nowhere. No officer in the fleet could have saved him.

"Ma'am..." he repeated, not sure what he wanted to say. Apologise for doubting for that split second that she would make calls without a split second hesitation. Hell, he just kept digging himself deeper with this woman.

Her hand came down heavy on his shoulder, she forced eye contact. "You did good, Alenko."

He half-smiled. "Thank you, ma'am."

She continued to hold eye contact for just a little too long, taking the moment from heartening into awkward. Apparently she had run out of material.

After another long pause she removed her hand and straightened. "You still owe me that report on the MAKO."

Amazing on the field, not so great off the field. He almost grinned before remembering that this was still his XO. "I'll have it to you tonight."

She pursed her lips and it looked like she wanted to say something else, but she shook her head and walked away.

He watched her go, a little ruefully. He may not have been reprimanded for insubordination, recklessness or breaking protocol, she seemed to barely notice any of those things, but he was sure as hell in trouble with this officer.

Serious trouble.


	6. A Spanner In The Works

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 5**

**A Spanner in the Works**

* * *

_Two_

* * *

The shuttle from the Lazarus Project Base whirred noisily. It wasn't usually a noise that irritated Miranda, but usually there was something to fill in the silence. Usually she wasn't waiting on the results of the most important project of her career.

Usually the results weren't sitting across from her, staring.

Shepard's eyes were the right shade, that was something. Replicating the exact pigment had taken two junior techs three weeks. It mattered. The Illusive Man had insisted. No detail could be changed. When she looked in the mirror she had to see herself staring back. They couldn't put the future of their species in the hands of a soldier uncomfortable in her own skin.

So they'd let the two techs work for three weeks, for all the good it did them. As soon as Shepard had glanced at a reflective surface she'd started searching the lab. She'd found a fresh bandage and proceeded to wrap it around her head until her eyes and nose were covered, just the tiniest slit left open to show three weeks of pigment matching gone to waste.

Commander Shepard, Saviour of the Citadel, the first human Spectre, sat across from them, her face awkwardly bandaged to no purpose, her hair, painstaking replaced strand-by-strand, now sticking up at odd angles. And she stared.

"Commander Shepard," Miranda repeated for the third time. "Can you understand me?"

Strand-by-strand hair replacement, wasting resources on her eye colour, fourteen attempts to regrow her fingernails – none of that mattered. The one thing, the only thing, she had been unsure about was the only thing Shepard seemed unwilling or unable to demonstrate.

The small imperfection in her brain, so minuscule that replication was impossible. The Illusive Man wanted her to be exactly as she was before, but Miranda couldn't provide him with that. As the brain tissue reformed, repaired the damage, it had repaired that microscopic deformation. Miranda was perfect in every way, but even she couldn't play God.

That statistical outlier that had given Shepard her stutter was not in Lazarus' power. They were left with no choice but to allow the speech centre of the brain to reform without the flaw.

And now Shepard wouldn't say a word.

So she was left with a living legend sitting three feet away, clearly lucid but unresponsive, holding a one sided staring contest.

Jacob kept looking at Miranda as if to ask if she had any idea what was going on. Of course she knew what was going on. They'd made alterations to her brain and woken her up prematurely. She probably had severe brain damage. She wished she had Wilson back so that she could kill him again. Two years, four billion credits. Wasted on his short sighted righteousness.

"Why do you call me Shepard?"

Jacob jumped beside her, startled at the Commander's voice, which caused Miranda to jump, her heart rate suddenly sky-rocketing. She put a hand to her chest and scowled at Jacob.

Then the words hit her.

She looked at the bandaged, impenetrable face of her life's work. "That's your name, Commander."

Shepard didn't break her flat stare. "No."

Jacob was giving her that _look_ again.

"You don't remember?"

"Before today you called me Lazarus."

Miranda felt the blood drain from her face. "Your name is Lieutenant Commander Ivana Shepard. You died in a surprise attack by the collectors. It's taken us two years to bring you back."

Shepard said nothing, just stared blankly.

No, no, this couldn't be happening. For the longest time they just stared at each other, Miranda trying to work out what had gone wrong. They had been beyond fastidious. The preservation of Shepard's memory had been top priority, they had undertaken eight months worth of study before even attempting to reconstruct the brain beyond basic tissue lividity.

"What are we going to tell him?" Jacob asked.

Tell him? She had just wasted the galaxy's most precious resource and Jacob was worried about the Illusive Man? She ignored him.

"Shepard, this is important. Do you remember anything before your death?"

Shepard gave a long pause, her lips pursing in concentration. "The Empire has fallen. The Reapers plan to eradicate all Protheans. You cannot hide. If you can secure transport, go to the Archives at Ilos. There is refuge at Ilos."

"Very good. That's the Prothean beacon you activated on Eden Prime. What else?" Maybe it was just taking time to come back to her. They couldn't possibly predict how her brain would immediately react to outside stimulus.

"How did you construct this body?"

"We rebuilt you using cloned tissue and cybernetic implants. It was a long process."

"So I am partially this Shepard."

"You _are_ Shepard."

She looked away for the first time, her eyes drifting over the inside of the shuttle. Her million credit eyes barely taking it in. "This Shepard died."

" _You are_ – "

"No. I'm not." The Commander met Miranda's eyes again. "This Shepard is dead. This is Lazarus. We have to go to Ilos."

Miranda felt a welt of anger and frustration burning in her throat, but Jacob cut her off before she could speak.

"Ilos is gone, Lazarus. The Reapers killed the Protheans 50,000 years ago. We brought you back to help us stop them from doing the same thing to humans."

"Don't call her that," Miranda commanded.

They had done everything. They had done it all right. She was sure Wilson would spout off some nonsense about a soul, but this had to be something she'd overlooked. How could she have overlooked anything? There wasn't anything, not a single thing that hadn't been gone over a hundred times. They wouldn't have risked putting something back wrong.

"Miranda, you can't bully her into being Shepard," Jacob said, that peace-making tone in his voice that drove her crazy. "Let her work this out on her own."

"Which one of us is the bio-mathematician here, Jacob?" Miranda snapped.

"The one who is losing her cool right about now," he whispered back.

She crossed her arms and leaned back against the wall.

300,000 credits on the repeated attempts to replicate the exact curve of the cheekbones and they had misplaced her _memory_.

The brain was perfect. Too perfect. They hadn't been able to preserve the imperfection, maybe the reformation realigned something in her frontal lobe, that might have had a cascading effect down to the temporal lobe. No, she was thinking nonsense. Speech patterns didn't determine memory access, not even at the neurological level. The brain simply wasn't damaged, this had to be psychological.

A fugue state, repressed memory, PTSD. She'd suffocated in sight of the wreckage of her own ship, that kind of trauma could trigger any number of reactions.

"Shepard," she cut in to the comforting, babying chatter that Jacob was murmuring. Shepard didn't look at her, oblivious. "Lazarus."

"Yes."

"How do you feel?"

"Clarify."

"Are you angry? Scared? Overwhelmed?"

"No."

A failure of the amygdala. This was neurological. Her entire limbic system could be compromised.

She pointed to the stripe on Shepard's armour. "What colour is this?"

"Red."

"And the logo on Jacob's chest?"

"Yellow."

"What shape is that logo?"

"Elongated hexagon."

The occipital lobe was functional. She had been more than adequate at basic combat, spatial awareness, object manipulation, parietal lobe appeared undamaged. There was just some failure to communicate with the temporal lobe.

Indoctrination was known to cause limbic disorientation, but a complete failure had never been documented.

But it wasn't a complete failure. She remembered language, shapes, colours, how to use a gun. This was an internal communication problem, not a complete shutdown.

Jacob was treating Shepard like an idiot, talking to her in that voice people reserved for small children and pets. Reinforcing her delusions wouldn't help matters, but until she figured out what had gone wrong, nothing would.

Miranda stared blankly at the dull metal wall of the shuttle, trying to run through the brain reconstruction from start to finish. The Illusive Man would have a copy of her notes but most of them had been stored on site, they were lost now. She might never figure out where the miscalculation had happened.

_Run the numbers again._

The realisation hit her like a brick to the head. Of course _she_ hadn't miscalculated. Of course her people hadn't, she'd hand picked them, they were the kind of people who didn't make mistakes. This wasn't some overlooked detail, this had been completely deliberate, and it had happened right in front of her eyes.

She heard the grind of the shuttle docking, felt the jolt that ran under her feet, and she was gone before the thrusters were cold. Jacob could babysit, the Illusive Man needed to hear this from her.

The station staff were smart enough to get out of her way, she made a straight path to the comm room, hitting the activation switch on the uplink, waiting the interminable twenty seconds as the holographic interface scanned her, until it gave her a feed.

"Miranda," the Illusive Man said. He puffed on his cigarette, calm. Like he wasn't waiting on the same results that had driven her crazy half an hour ago. "What happened on the Research Station?"

Miranda swallowed, crossed her arms more tightly under her breasts.

"Project Lazarus has failed."

He took another long drag from his cigarette. He ashed into the tray on the arm of his chair. The monitors behind him showed footage of the assault on the Research Station. He already knew that Shepard's body could walk and talk. Or at least walk.

"Tell me."

"Wilson was a traitor, he was behind the attack. But he managed to sabotage Shepard months ago." He probably didn't even realise it. Maybe it was an honest mistake and wouldn't that be ironic? The one bloody time he didn't try to ruin her day was the only time he actually succeeded.

"I'm not interested in a guessing game, Miranda. What happened?"

"He woke her up. We had barely put her brain back together, it wasn't even capable of processing sound and light and he woke her up. She must have gone into sensory overload, her brain shut down all non-critical functions to protect itself from the shock. Now her limbic system is non-responsive. No emotion, no memory. She's alive, but that's all she is."

Another puff, another flick of ash. "But is she Shepard?"

Miranda scoffed. "Ask a philosopher."

"Miranda," he warned.

She shifted her weight, wanting to pace but unable to move outside the metre-wide circle on the floor. The idea of a soul had come up a number of times over the last two years. If it existed, if it was tied to the physical body, if it was retrievable. She had never bought into spirituality, but the fact remained that something made a person who they were and no one could say for certain what.

"It's the nature versus nurture debate. If by 'Shepard' you mean her biochemical predispositions, then yes, that's Shepard. Whatever Lazarus is, she has Shepard's brain. She could regain temporal lobe functionality in a day or a year or never. She could be identical in behaviours to her original self. She could be a blank slate. This is an unprecedented situation and I have no data to make predictions."

"'Lazarus'?"

Dammit, Jacob was rubbing off on her. "It's what she's called herself."

On the screens behind him, Jacob was showing Lazarus the armoury. She was turning pieces of armour over in her hands, inspecting them from all angles as if she had only a passing familiarity with the equipment. She pulled the Kestrel helmet over her eyes.

"What can you do to fix this?"

"Nothing."

"That's not the answer I want to hear. A lot of people told me this couldn't be done. Top scientists, Nobel prize winners. But not you. You said you could raise the dead, and right now Commander Shepard is walking around my space station."

He was right. This was Cerberus. This was where they did things not because they could, but because they had to.

Miranda squared her shoulders. This could be done. This had to be done.

"Time. I can stimulate the temporal lobe pharmaceutically, with natural exposure to emotions, memory triggers, it's her best chance to regain the full use of her brain."

"That's what I like to hear." The ice in his glass clinked against the rim as he took a sip. "Take her to Freedom's Progress. Consider it a trial run. Hopefully protecting humanity will be familiar to her."

"I... Understood, sir."

He cut the call and Miranda pressed her lips into a thin line.

Two years, four billion credits and the hopes of a galaxy all depending on the results of taking an amnesiac on an abduction investigation. This was going to be a disaster.


	7. All Men Need A Shepard

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 6**

**All Men Need A Shepard**

* * *

_One_

* * *

Shepard spread her pistol, reduced to parts, across the workbench. She laid out her cleaning kit, one piece after the other, side by side, aligned perfectly.

It was night on the _Normandy_ , she was the only one in engineering, the engine being monitored from a work station on the CIC. She needed some time to think. Her new quarters were acceptable, but the simple manual task of cleaning her gun was familiar and comforting. Basic maintenance was important, a soldier's tools couldn't malfunction on the field.

The others thought they had been lucky. Williams, Vakarian, Tali'Zorah. Even Anderson. Finding each other in their time of need, united by a common enemy, did at first glance appear to stretch the bounds of probability.

Shepard wasn't so optimistic. Luck was not a reliable force, and it rarely championed justice. The facts indicated that they had not been lucky. The fact was that as soon as they had Saren Arterius in their sights, people had been crawling out of the woodwork to help them. Saren was a man with many enemies, and he had only gone rogue in the last month or so.

She spilled some cleaning fluid onto her cloth and started polishing, removing all trace of burnt eezo, dust and grime. It had to be perfect.

Spectres were held in almost mythical admiration, people thought they could do anything. Her crew thought they could do anything. Bomb colonies, steal artifacts, command geth and leave no trace they were ever there. But they couldn't. Saren couldn't and now she couldn't. They had witnessed that firsthand.

On an intellectual level she knew that she was unlikely to follow the path of either Saren or Nihlus, but it was difficult to ignore the fact that two of the most decorated Spectres, respected and experienced, had met their fates less than a week apart. Nihlus was dead, Saren borrowing time, and neither of them had been good enough to save themselves.

So she was more than a little skeptical of her own promotion into the ranks.

Shepard turned the detached barrel over in her hands. A new nick. This one really couldn't afford any more.

She knew her place. Her place had been made inescapably clear to her on enlistment. The Alliance had every reason to turn her away, so she was to never betray the trust they placed in her. If she wanted her skills to carry her, she would apply them when and where her superiors deemed appropriate, without hesitation, and never at any other time. That was their deal.

So, the First Human Spectre. Probably because everyone else was smart enough to turn down the job.

She started reassembling the gun. She could do it in 12.3 seconds when called upon, but she took her time. It would live to see another day. This gun had gone above and beyond the call of duty. Even if everyone told her to get the new model, she couldn't rely on an unfamiliar weapon. This one didn't have the specs, but it had never failed her.

She needed every advantage she could get if she was going to survive this promotion.

Gun in one piece again, she packed up her cleaning kit, but her mind wasn't settled. She couldn't escape the feeling that she was being thrown to the wolves. Well, she knew she was being thrown to the wolves. Worse was the feeling that the Council seemed to think she didn't know that. That she should be honoured, grateful. It made them dishonest. She worked best within parameters.

If they could just _say_ what a Spectre was expected to do, she would do it. Tell her what percentage of the order spent their time policing the rest. People always did this to her, worked around some taboo, implied details without stating them. How was she supposed to work when everyone was too polite to tell her what they wanted? She didn't even know if she was expected to bring Saren back for trial or simply execute him.

If they did want him dead she supposed she could comply. The idea of being judge, jury, and executioner didn't sit well with her, but she could appreciate that there were occasions that red tape needed to be avoided.

Her omnitool beeped at her. She finished, fastened the velcro on her kit and set it down, then opened up the new message.

Alenko's MAKO report. He must have been having trouble sleeping again. She hadn't seen him in the bay since they'd first discussed the tank and had the feeling that he thought she was upset with him for witnessing her speech impediment. She'd have to clear that up, they'd operated well together on the field, she couldn't afford to have anything compromise their compatibility.

It was a good report. His technical skills had been undersold in his file, his previous COs had focused on his biotics. Those were good, too. She'd been impressed by his fieldwork. A combination of her sniping and his biotics gave them an almost unfair advantage against the geth.

A good tech, a good soldier, a respectful subordinate and he had that nice rasp to his voice when he spoke. She was... pleased. She found that thought discomforting. It was common enough for her to be satisfied with her crew, she worked with good people. But this was a little different. She wanted to keep this one around, she found it gratifying to work with him. That was unusual and she wasn't sure what to do with it.

She'd have to shelve the problem, her Saren dilemmas couldn't be neglected.

She flicked through the report. It wouldn't be difficult to apply his recommendations. They were due to arrive at Therum in a few days, she could probably have it done before they needed to deploy again.

The tools were already set out on the workbench before she stopped herself. Usually she would have reported to Anderson for the go ahead before starting work, but now there was no one above her to make the call, but that meant she had to consider this and make the right decision. The project was without a doubt a good idea, but it was Alenko's idea. She shouldn't do this, not when she was trying to mend fences with him.

She opened up her omnitool again and typed a quick message.

_Alenko,_

_Report to the maintenance bay._

_Shepard._

Simple manual tasks were familiar and comforting. Alenko was new and amusing. Maybe this would help her sort through some of the problems that swirled around her head.

One of the screwdrivers in the jeweller's kit had a smudge of grease on its handle. She opened her cleaning kit again, withdrew the cloth, still damp with alcohol.

Spectre. Spectre Shepard. Commander Ivy Shepard, Council Spectre.

Someone else deserved this more, she was sure. The honour and the foreseeable hole in the head. Someone who could be the renegade and go down in a blaze of glory. She had spent the past twelve years learning to play by the rules and didn't see any kind of blaze as particularly glorious.

Behind her the elevator door slid open but she couldn't seem to get this grease off the screwdriver, it determinedly smudged without going anywhere. She turned the cloth over and kept trying.

"Ma'am?" He sounded nervous, probably still thought she was angry with him.

"Lieutenant."

The First Human Spectre with a dirty jewellers kit. What in hell was _on_ this thing? It couldn't just be grease.

"Did you need something, ma'am?"

Dextro whiskey, that stuff could clean anything.

"Not sleeping again?" she asked, applying pressure until her knuckles were white.

"Uh, no. May I?"

She looked up at his outstretched hands, paused, then handed over her task. Alenko spit on her cleaning cloth and rubbed it over the metal, taking the grease with it. He handed the screwdriver and cloth back to her. She scowled at him.

"You d-d-don't have to make it look so easy."

He almost smiled. She liked that. Humour looked good on him. "Sometimes on these ships the tools get used for adjusting omnitools. They use medical lubricants, hard to get off with alcohol."

Of course. She picked up the torque wrench and tossed it to him. He caught it deftly with his left hand. She took the pliers and a screwdriver for herself and headed for the MAKO.

"Ready to... get to work?"

"Now?"

"G-got something better to do?"

He slid to the ground beside the tank, following her under. "No, ma'am."

The dark underside of the MAKO lit up with a biotic glow. That was useful. On a vehicle this size a torch would usually provide adequate lighting, the bigger problem was getting close enough to the undercarriage to do extended work without straining the arms and shoulders. She was used to a full workshop, most ground bases had them, but on a frigate there wasn't even a creeper to use, let alone one with adjustable height.

She eyed her lieutenant. He looked strong. That didn't mean his biotics were strong. She had no idea what kind of stamina would be required to maintain that kind of field. This seemed as good a test as any.

"Alenko, lift me up."

He looked like he was about to ask her to reiterate, but he must have realised he was developing a habit of parroting her, because after a surprised glance she felt her body lighten and leave the floor. It was a strange feeling, but not uncomfortable. She thought after a time it might make her feel sea sick.

She set to work stripping the suspension, arms nestled comfortably against her chest. They'd have to modify a few parts, but for now they could just take it back to the skeleton and prepare the parts for work. She wanted to give it a good clean, as well. It was almost brand new, but maintenance needed to start early if they were going to keep it in top condition.

Alenko worked beside her, from the ground. Maybe it was difficult to hold up more than one person. Maybe it was difficult to hold just one, but she didn't see any signs of strain.

"This your first frigate posting, Commander?" he asked. His voice betrayed no stress. "Ah, sorry. Classified, right?"

"Mm," she said. He'd been around, been on more than a few frigates. Alenko seemed like the sort of man who lived and breathed the chain of command. He knew what was expected of him, followed orders. "What do you think of our m-mission?"

"The mission, ma'am?" He kept working, disassembling the pneumatic tubing, but looked up just long enough to see her raise an eyebrow. He really was a parrot. She wasn't going to clarify this one. She couldn't ask her subordinate what he would do in her position, she was smart enough to know that. Let him interpret it how he wanted. If he was any good at reading between the lines his opinion would be all the more valuable. "Right, the mission. We have to stop Saren, whatever it takes. The Council knows you're up for it, and so does your crew."

Whatever it takes. Was it that simple? Just apply whatever seemed appropriate in context until their end goal had been reached? Would the Council accept a cuffed and gagged Saren instead of a dead one? Maybe they didn't have a choice. They had left this to her discretion, that meant whatever results she supplied would be the ones they would have to live with.

She smiled to herself. She didn't see Saren coming quietly, but she had the choice if the option presented itself. And if the Council didn't like it they could choose another Spectre. She might actually get out of this with a head on her shoulders.

"First frigate," she said.

This was what she liked about Alenko, she decided. He caught on quickly. He didn't ask her to elaborate, but he talked as they worked, filling the silence with his quiet, pleasant voice. He told her about the frigates he'd been on. Told her about sleeper pods and why he was up in the middle of the night, told her about rationing on long trips and biotics that ate their bodyweight in food every fortnight. He told her that officers overlooked the contraceptive supplies in the infirmary, and definitely overlooked the fact that they had to be restocked at each port. Told her about the airlock being used as a smoking room, that vaseline kept armour from chafing after a month in recycled air, that the lights in the mess were always kept on to keep the crew from going stir crazy, at least it felt like there was some kind of permanent light.

She found herself wanting to hold up her side of the conversation, asking what questions she could, humming her approval. He brought out something strange in her.

She'd have to get used to this. People wanted a Spectre's opinion. In black ops her ability to keep quiet had won her medals, but this was different, in the public eye. Suddenly she had a command, a voice, an image. It was easier to hide under a tank and work, but easy wasn't always best. Maybe if she could hold onto this, this need to talk, to express herself and her values, she could be a good Spectre.

"It's Ivy, isn't it? Ivy Shepard? What's that short for, again?"

"Nothing."

She looked down to see him frowning, trying to remember. "I thought your file said..."

"Ivana. I know. It's Ivy. Like the plant."

Little Creeper. As in 'Little Creeper, finish that circuit board.' 'Creeper, this gun isn't properly clean.' 'Creep, come out from under there.' She hadn't been Little Creeper in a long time.

"Is that what you were named after?"

"Yes."

"And Shepard?"

"My ch-ch-chaplain s-said all men need a shepherd... I wasn't very good at sp... at sp..." Her throat froze up, her tongue refused to cooperate. She felt her cheeks flush red, but he couldn't see her face. He didn't try to finish the sentence for her. She took a deep breath. "Spelling."

Alenko chuckled. "I suppose most of us don't have to choose our own names as kids. You're religious, then?"

"No." She pulled out a seal and turned it over in her hands.

"That seal needs to be reinforced," he said. "I'm not sure if we have the parts on board."

"Liquamal." She'd done this in the field before. It wasn't one of the recommended uses for the solution, but it did the trick. Every dreadnought kept barrels of the stuff lying around, she was sure she'd seen some on her inventory for this ship.

"Does that work?"

"Mm."

"That could have saved me a lot of headaches at my last posting." He shifted his weight and grunted. "I'm going to have to put you down."

Even as he said it she felt herself sinking. She was placed gently on the ground, a cushion of biotic energy protecting her head for a moment longer than the rest of her. Twenty-eight minutes. Not bad.

Had she chosen her own name? The thought struck her suddenly, Alenko's words taking an extra minute to sink in. The Alliance had wanted a name, something to put on her records. The Boss had called her Creeper when she was six. Father Mills had recommended Shepard, told her that she'd been away from the world for too long, needed to reconnect. He said she needed to name herself something that represented what she wanted to be. The long arm of the law. An extension of the military's will. She needed to stop being the sheep, aimless and helpless, and start being the shepherd, solid and dependable.

So she did.

Now she really was the shepherd, out to catch her wayward sheep. An extension of the Council's will. Did that warrant a new name? She almost smiled.

The undercarriage was almost completely stripped, parts laid out neatly along her side, haphazardly lined along Alenko's side. It was only a few minutes before she was starting to feel the burn of working at this height, he had been at it for three quarters of an hour while holding her up.

"Enough for tonight. We'll... continue tomorrow."

She scooted out from underneath the tank, but he didn't follow.

"I'll just finish with this, if you don't mind."

"Sure. Night, Lieutenant."

"G'night, ma'am."

She stared at his feet for a moment, unsure what she was looking for. She collected her pistol and cleaning kit and headed for the elevator.

The Shepherd. Alenko seemed to trust her lead. The pistol in her hand weighed heavy. She had taken her fair share of hits, and was never that good to begin with, but maybe it didn't matter what the file said. Saren's file said some amazing things, for all the good it had done him. Maybe it was more important to be where she was needed when she was needed there, that was all she'd ever done and it had led her this far.

She could do this.


	8. Blatant Misuse of Heavy Machinery

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 7**

**Blatant Misuse of Heavy Machinery**

* * *

_One_

* * *

"Can you hear me out there?" Dr. T'Soni asked.

"Yes," the commander said.

Kaidan would have gone with something more comforting, given the chance, but Shepard stared up at the asari suspended in midair, unimpressed. The surface was flat, impenetrable without heavy ordnance, no control panels and they were a few hundred feet underground.

Garrus stood beside her, looking up at the trapped asari. If Kaidan could judge turians at all he'd say Garrus had the same expression of faintly curious bemusement.

"How do you think she got up there?"

Shepard shrugged and poked the barrier with her finger experimentally.

"This is a prothean barrier curtain," Dr. T'Soni said. "I knew it would keep me safe from the geth."

"Controls?" Shepard asked.

"The other side of the curtain, when I activated it I must have hit something."

"Mm."

Three techs versus ancient prothean technology, they should be able to handle it. The bigger question was whether Dr. T'Soni would make it through without a panic attack. She wasn't exactly in comforting hands with the commander and Garrus.

Shepard stiffened beside him. Without even thinking he threw a barrier around himself and dove for cover. Her first shot was off before Garrus hit the ground beside him, readying his own gun. Damn, she was fast.

He grabbed his own assault rifle, the gun springing into shape in his hands, then quickly peeked over the railing. Six geth that he could see, but the terrain was cluttered, they could have an army hidden behind crates and rocks. He was surprised that Shepard hadn't taken another shot and looked up to her, only to find her gone.

Damn that woman, where had she gone? How had she managed to get anywhere?

A bullet slammed into his barrier and he sunk down further behind cover. He couldn't do a thing at this range, using his biotics would just screw up the snipers' line of sight.

Two shots in quick succession laid out two more geth, the lights in their heads reduced to splintered plastic. He couldn't say where she was shooting from, the sound seemed to come from everywhere. Garrus fired off a round, taking out a third geth.

Two left on the field. Dammit, where was Shepard?

Beside him Garrus grunted in pain, a smoking hole through the collar of his armour. He wasn't bleeding, just surprised. Kaidan looked over the railing again. Two. One just within reach. He cast one more look around for Shepard. She had vanished.

With a mnemonic gesture he pulled the closest geth off its feet. Its gun slipped from its hands, the weight suddenly gone, leaving it disoriented.

Two sniper shots hit the last geth at the same time, crumpling it instantly, but his suspended geth remained intact, spinning idly through the air toward him. He wasn't used to killing with his biotics. He'd made the decision, after Eden Prime, that holding back wasn't going to cut it anymore, but that didn't change the fact that he just wasn't that practised at really cutting loose. He didn't know how.

He considered the geth in midair. Still too far for his assault rifle. He could at least push it back and let Shepard or Garrus take it out while it was still confused.

With another gesture he sent a ball of biotic energy careening into the floating geth.

The moment the two hit, the geth nearly exploded, shot like a ship out of a mass relay into the nearest wall.

Kaidan slowly rose to his feet, trying to understand what had just happened, looking at what he'd done.

The geth's torso was lodged in the rock wall, its legs comically dangling below it. He jumped over the railing, then walked almost hesitantly over. He pressed his fingers gingerly around the impact site. It wasn't all that solid, a lot of sandstone mixed through some kind of granite. That was... alright? No one had ever told him that could happen.

"How did you do that?" Garrus walked up beside him, surveying the damage. He looked almost impressed.

"No idea."

Kaidan examined it from all angles, as if that would give some kind of insight. No wonder they hadn't been told about that at Brain Camp, it would have taken all of half an hour before they started launching lunch trays through bulkheads.

He barely heard his omnitool beep, but the red warning light of a priority message tore him away from his bewildered examination.

Incoming message from... Shepard?

_Alenko,_

_How much seismic activity do you think this volcano could withstand?_

_Shepard._

He looked around to find her standing next to a mining laser that had to be ten metres long. It could easily destabilise this entire structure, bring a volcano crashing down on their heads. From the look on her face, she already knew that.

Commander Shepard, N7 marine, the first human spectre, looked like a kid with her hand in the cookie jar. She worried her full bottom lip between her teeth, the corner of her mouth turned up wickedly, eyes flitting between the laser and the smooth surface they had to penetrate. One of her hands was on the controls, not moving while she considered.

"Not that much, ma'am," he said as he approached her. She couldn't do this. Sure, it was tempting to headbutt their way through to a solution, but...

"Noted. Get ready."

"Are we blowing up the volcano?" Garrus asked.

"Mm."

Shepard pried open the control panel and started messing with the wiring. Kaidan grabbed onto the nearest solid object in anticipation, but nothing happened for a long moment while she worked on the hotwire.

Beside him the laser hummed to life, radiant warmth soaking through his hardsuit. The buzz of a priming engine grew higher in pitch until it spat white light against the far wall.

The first layers of ceramics sheared away, then cracks started radiating out, splitting the tiles along their stress points and leaving them crashing to the ground in pieces. As soon as it hit the stone behind the tiles the stone started superheating, exploding outwards in all directions.

Ivy was looking between the wall and the controls, measuring the power output. Her sly grin was gone, now she bit her lip in concentration as boulders started coming loose, tumbling over others as she upped the power output, carving a clear path through the prothean architecture, and probably the half mile of rock behind it.

The laser went dark and the mountain around them lurched ominously. Kaidan felt a sprinkle of loose pebbles hit the back of his head and tried not to think about how this was going to end.

The ground shook under them, sending Garrus scrabbling for balance. Not good.

"Move," Shepard commanded.

They double-timed it through the smoking crater and into the prothean structure. Small quakes were shaking the elevator underneath their feet. This place was not going to hold up much longer, he could only hope they managed to get Dr. T'Soni out before the whole thing collapsed.

Shepard didn't look worried by their impending crush fractures. Hell, she looked smug; completely satisfied with herself and her impromptu door construction. He couldn't imagine that her career in black ops had been explosion-free, but she was pretty happy about this one.

"You made it!" Dr. T'Soni said. "How did you get through?"

"Superior firepower." Shepard even sounded smug. She let the doctor down and took hold of her elbow when she stumbled, helping her stand.

"Thank you, I – " The doctor looked up as the walls around them shook, no short quake this time, the volcano was destabilising. They had to move.

Shepard all but dragged the asari back to the elevator. Kaidan hit the control panel, heading for the surface, they didn't have time for any more conversation. Outside the shaft he could hear the cave collapsing, the twist of metal as the mining equipment was crushed.

The commander pressed two fingers to her ear. "Joker, we need extraction."

"Aye aye, Commander, locked in on your position. ETA eight minutes."

Eight minutes would be cutting it close. The prothean structure would hold up better than the mining caves, but not by much.

The elevator stopped at the top floor, bringing them face to face with a krogan flanked by geth. Dammit, they did not have time for this. Shepard seemed to disagree, not losing her newfound swagger as she drew her pistol. It was the HMWP spectre master pistol, not the beat up old model she was always cleaning in the cargo bay.

"Surrender," The krogan said, then his lips curved in a grin. "Or don't. That would be more fun."

"This ruin's coming down," Shepard said.

Kaidan drew his own gun; the assault rifle would work just fine at this range. They had eight minutes to be through these guys and onto the _Normandy._ His new trick would probably come in handy.

The krogan laughed. "Exhilarating, isn't it? Thanks for getting rid of those energy fields for us. Hand the doctor over."

Shepard looked at the doctor, casting a blank stare over her shoulder. She wasn't really thinking of giving up Dr. T'Soni, she was giving Garrus and himself an extra second to decide what they were about to do.

There wasn't much cover on the elevator; the control panel and a few bracing pillars around the outside, those would be best. He could flank the enemy, push them together for a big biotic throw or just disorient them to keep their fire off the commander and Garrus. The doctor was already backing up, preparing to hide behind the console.

Shepard raised her pistol and Kaidan sprinted for cover.

She was gone again when he looked up, pistol shots being fired from somewhere across the room. He saw two geth bunched together and used a biotic throw to slam them against the wall, their plates smashing together with a sound worse than fingernails on a blackboard. The krogan charged and Kaidan lost track of him.

It was such close quarters, difficult to make out human or turian from geth as the room filled with sparks, biotic bubbles, the smell of eezo and heated lithium. He could hear, behind the crossfire, the asari doctor whimpering in fear. This had to be more exciting than her usual dig sites. Hell, it was more exciting than his usual gunfights.

That damn krogan. Every time he thought he'd found a place out of the geth's sight, he'd see the krogan shotgun staring at him. It was like trying to fight and dance at the same time. Shepard mostly had the huge mercenary's attention, peppering his face with shots from across the room and disappearing as soon as he made to charge, but krogans could soak up shots faster than they could put them out, it was like trying to kill a training dummy.

Kaidan broke cover just long enough to throw a warp at the krogan, slowing down its regeneration enough for Shepard to do some damage. A spray of bullets from the geth took out the last of his shields and he plastered himself back against the support, fiddling with his omnitool, trying to get those shields up again. He was like a sitting duck.

He felt a pain in his arm, like a bee sting. The blood rushed in his ears, suddenly deafening him, his body temperature rose what felt like five degrees in two seconds, and he looked down to see the bloody, gaping wound in his upper arm. It started to ache, swelling from a numb, faraway pain into white hot agony in seconds. He looked up at the geth standing beside him. It must have flanked him from the other side.

He tried to raise his gun, but raising his arm felt like getting shot all over again, his hand was shaking too badly to aim. His shields were gone, his right arm useless. His heart monitor was blaring in his ear, red lighting up his omnitool as if he hadn't noticed the bullet wound. The geth pointed its gun at his chest, and was blown back against the wall by a sudden burst fire from an SMG.

Garrus hauled him off the wall, getting him standing on his own feet. "Alenko, come on!"

_Snap out of it, Alenko,_ he told himself. _You can go into shock later._

Shepard seemed to appear next to him. Was the fighting done? Yes. All he could hear was the volcano rumbling, about to explode. She looked at his arm, then up at the ceiling that threatened to collapse.

"Move, move!" She rested a hand on his back, guiding him forwards as Dr. T'Soni and Garrus ran ahead of them, heading for the surface.

After a few weak steps he found his balance and started to run, Shepard at his back. The metal walkways threatened to fall out from under him but he barely noticed over the insistent stabs of pain from his arm, it was as much attention as he could manage to follow Garrus up to the surface.

Shepard gave him a final push, sending them both tumbling out into the sunlight just as the final rockfall caved in the tunnel behind them, spraying them with dirt and rocks. Kaidan landed on his back, the muscles of his shoulders pulled tight, a fresh wave of spots bursting behind his eyes.

A few deep breaths and he could think through the pain. He blinked against the light. Shepard climbed to her feet and offered her hand. He took it with his left, seeing the shadow of the _Normandy_ fall overhead. She wrapped an arm around his ribs, half supporting him back to the ship, its bay door opened to let them in.

Williams and Wrex were waiting to help them up, Ash unwittingly grabbing his right hand to haul him up into the bay. The shock of pain was so sudden that by the time it had fully registered, he was up, his arm released and he shook it off.

Shepard tore the cap off a pack of medi-gel with her teeth and took him by the elbow, raising his arm for her inspection. She emptied the contents into the hole in his suit, instantly soothing the pain and bringing down his temperature. She was smiling, torn plastic still caught between her teeth she grinned, self-satisfied.

Just before the bay door closed the mountain gave a final wheeze, lava flows pouring in all directions.

Williams gave a low whistle. "Nice explosion, ma'am."

"Thank you, Chief." Shepard grinned to herself a moment longer, still smearing the medi-gel around his wound. Then she laughed. It bubbled out of her mouth and she clamped down on it. She pressed her lips together, not completely suppressing her smile.

She looked up at him, her lips momentarily quirking into that smile again, then slapped him on the back and walked away, swaggering to the elevator. He'd never actually seen her with any kind of expression on her face.

If he had to guess, it was good to be a Spectre.


	9. For Shepard

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 8**

**For Shepard**

* * *

_Two_

* * *

Lazarus stared at the eyesore she had been presented with.

"Why do I have a fish tank?"

High maintenance, zero output. An inefficient use of space. If utilised, an even more inefficient use of crew time. This vessel had been advertised to her as a warship. The armour was insufficient, the shielding almost non-existent and the main guns were sub-par. Better equipment was available. The resources spent on leather sofas and fish tanks could have been put to better use.

"We want you to be comfortable." The Cerberus, Operative Lawson, had insisted on showing her the ship personally. She had been pleased by their mission to Freedom's Progress, convincing her brother that this Shepard was salvageable.

"I will be comfortable when the Reapers are dead."

These people had strange ideas. Freedom's Progress had convinced her that they were correct in that their species was being targeted. Still, they seemed hesitant to move their mission forward. They selected only the best resources, this ship with its fish tank must have taken months to build. From what she could gather they had spent two years trying to build this Shepard to be the captain. The Reapers were coming, they didn't have two years to waste.

Lazarus adjusted her visor, finishing her programming. Kestrel, the Cerberus had called it. Covering the eyes and nose. She couldn't say exactly why, but she focused better with her eyes covered. She looked at the Cerberus, testing the data feed.

_Lawson, Miranda_

_Operative_

_Cerberus_

_Human Female_

_Age: 35_

_Blood type: B+_

_Heartrate: 62 bps_

She could get more information than that. She would have to make further customisations when she had time. She took off the visor, leaving the semi-sheer stocking over her face.

"The Illusive Man is putting a lot of faith in you, Lazarus." The Cerberus liked to end every sentence with her name, like she was talking to a child. "We brought you back from the dead for this, do you understand what that means?"

Lazarus knew what the Cerberus thought it meant. That she owed them, that they had done her some great favour in creating her, that she should bend to their agenda. Maybe they should have made themselves something more cooperative.

"It means you have a weapon against the Reapers, and by association, the Collectors."

"This isn't just a war against the Reapers. Cerberus fights for humanity." She was a frivolous sort. Intelligent, but easily distracted.

"I don't."

"You do know that you're a human, don't you, Lazarus?"

Lazarus paused and considered that. It seemed fallacious. This body was partially human. That did not make her human. "This body is Lazarus. You have your weapon, Operative, for as long as our goals align. I will fight the Reapers."

Soon they'd be flooding through mass relays, landing in major cities, extending no offer of surrender. Then where would her humanity be? Dead, if they didn't act quickly. Nothing less than the entire fleet of every species would stop the Reapers, but she could only work with what she had. If she could stop these colonies disappearing, deprive the Reapers of that resource, it would be a start.

The priorities on this ship would have to change. The priorities of the galaxy would have to change. It wasn't just the humans. The quarian at Freedom's Progress had become hysterical within moments of her arrival, and only more agitated when they had relieved her of her traumatised shipmate. He had data that could be relevant, but she just kept yelling, as if a big enough tantrum would change the facts.

_What have you done to Shepard?_ She had asked it, over and over. It was obvious what they had done to Shepard, they had taken her parts and built something new. Lazarus would have called it a good use of resources if they hadn't wasted so much in the attempt. The Reapers would take their dead for their own soldiers, it seemed ingenious to strip them of that resource, take it for their own. Not a viable long term solution, but a shrewd experiment.

The quarian hadn't agreed with that assessment.

The Cerberus was talking again, something about humanity. Lazarus examined the fish tank. There were clearly some philosophical differences between her and her benefactors. It was unlikely they would stay on the same path beyond the Collector assault, but for the moment the alliance was promising. She could make the necessary adjustments.

First thing would be a full inspection of the ship, a catalogue of the flaws, she could assign resources accordingly.

She headed for the elevator, the Cerberus followed her, still talking. "Where are you going?"

"The CIC."

"But..." The Cerberus sputtered for a moment.

"Is my access to this ship restricted?"

"Of course not, Lazarus, you are the commanding officer on this ship. But right now..."

"Then I'm going to the CIC."

She selected the second floor from the elevator control panel. The elevator was slow, another design flaw. Maybe they had been conservative with the reinforcing materials, reducing its weight capacity. Yet they managed a fish tank. Interesting.

The CIC was not staffed. The crew appeared to be gathered at the far end of the galaxy map, their attention on Operative Taylor. She had memorised the dossiers of all her crew. Two principals were present, other than Taylor. Former crew members of the Shepard. Chakwas, Karin, medical doctor, former Alliance Navy. Moreau, Jeff "Joker", flight lieutenant, former Alliance Navy. Both blood type A-.

As she approached, Taylor stopped talking to look at her. Human, clear signs of distress, no immediate threat, further observation required. She would have liked her visor to monitor his heartrate and adrenaline levels, but the Cerberus had advised her that she should not wear armour on the ship.

"Shepard?" Flight Lieutenant Moreau asked. Clear signs of distress. He walked with a crutch, his file had indicated his disorder.

Doctor Chakwas covered her mouth. "Oh, my."

"This is Lazarus," Taylor said before she could speak.

"Shepard, is it you?" Moreau asked again.

The CIC was acceptable. Overly large, but vessels with extended range needed larger space to maintain crew integrity, claustrophobia could compromise a mission. It would suit her purposes. She took in the logo emblazoned above the command station. An elongated hexagon in yellow, two white lines. Cerberus. Their interior decorating couldn't be faulted.

"This Shepard is dead." She brushed past the crew to examine her personal console. "This body is now Lazarus."

"As I was saying," Taylor said, a note of stress in his voice. "Shepard has suffered some memory loss. She has the full confidence of Cerberus in this mission, and is still our best hope against the Collectors."

"Some memory loss?" Moreau asked, his voice rising. "What in hell have you done to Shepard?"

She already had messages. Mostly from people assuming she was Shepard, a few from Cerberus, the dossiers for her potential recruits, notes on her provided armoury. One from Alliance High Command. The Cerberus had stressed that Alliance would not be providing them with resources, that they wouldn't acknowledge the Reaper threat, but Lazarus knew she was only being fed select information. Even if they were unreliable in the present, they had resources that she needed, any inroad she could make could be used to garner support in the future.

The others were shouting angrily, it was distracting. Her files had provided some information on limbic function, Taylor had explained to her that she was non-operational in that area, so she had memorised what she could. The display behind her was anger, maybe as a result of grief. Grief had been explained to her in detail, she had been made aware that it was a common reaction to death. Moreau and Chakwas were grieving, wanting their Shepard to be alive.

She turned her attention back to them. Morale would be important, this grief would impact negatively on their unit cohesion.

"Stop," she commanded, cutting off the shouted conversation.

Moreau's eyes were wide, his pupils dilated, his teeth slightly bared. High adrenaline response. "You aren't Shepard."

"No. This Shepard was a soldier, fighting against the Reapers."

"And Cerberus."

"I am also a soldier, fighting against the Reapers. I am not your Shepard, but we share a common enemy. Serving me serves your Shepard's goal, continues her work."

Moreau stared at her, looking over her mask. "I came here to fight the Collectors."

"As did I."

"Then I'll fight. For Shepard."

For Shepard? What a strange thing to say. Every movement needed a figurehead, maybe this was why. She didn't understand the sentiment, it hadn't been in any of her documentation, but it seemed to placate him. "For Shepard."

"For Shepard," Doctor Chakwas needlessly mimicked them. "I'll stand with you, Lazarus. Shepard would have wanted us to continue the fight."

Lazarus nodded firmly. "Everyone, back to stations. Flight Lieutenant, take us to Omega."

"Aye aye, ma'am."

Leaving the Cerberus behind, she retreated to the elevator. Clearly there was further reading required. She took the elevator back to her private cabin and set out her datapads.

"EDI, set up a search protocol."

"Please specify your parameters, Lazarus." An AI. Vitally useful, the one thing on this ship that she didn't immediately intend to improve.

"Search term, search Alliance database, Cerberus database, Spectre database, Citadel Medical Association records, public and secure, Citadel Security records, top extranet trends over the past week, top extranet trends over the past five years with views over one million, any other database you find relevant. Compile a report listing any recurring terms, list information as verified and unverified, end parameters."

"I do not have access to Spectre databases, would you like me to use your clearance?"

Lazarus paused. Cerberus was being generous, but that didn't mean she should allow them access to the few resources she had at her disposal. "No, exclude that criteria."

"Protocol is established. Would you like to run a search now?"

"Search terms: Collector, Commander Ivana Shepard, Saren Arterius, David Anderson, Reaper, Cerberus, human emotional bonding, the crew of this ship, current names and aliases."

"I've sent the reports to your private terminal. Do you need anything else?"

"No."

"Logging you out, Lazarus."

Lazarus sat down at her private terminal and opened up the first of two dozen reports.

There was a lot of work to be done on this ship.


	10. Isolationist

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 9**

**Isolationist**

* * *

_One_

* * *

Liara T'Soni was a strange one. Shepard had studied some asari culture, worked with a few commandos, this was more than just a cultural difference.

"You were actually touched by working prothean technology! That is why I find you so fascinating, Commander."

She stared at the asari.

The asari stared back.

"Yes," Ivy said, unsure how else to reply. This woman did not invite easy conversation. "I'm... fascinating."

"Oh, it sounds like I want to dissect you, I did not mean to insinuate... I never meant to offend you, Shepard. I only meant that you would be an interesting specimen for an in depth study. No, that's even worse." Dr. T'Soni stopped talking and studied her feet intently.

Ivy stared, unable to make sense of this new addition to her crew. It certainly did sound like she wanted to order up a dissection, but she was smart enough to know that wouldn't be happening on a Spectre.

The beacon on Eden Prime had relayed some information to her, information she was hesitant to voice. She had told Anderson and that had ended badly. He had tried to submit it like evidence to the Council, and when Saren had dismissed it condescendingly she found herself wondering if it would be poor form to agree with him. She couldn't defend her credibility against something like that. Maybe working around prothean technology made people strange.

That wasn't an easily supportable hypothesis. There was a limited sample size, and all prothean archaeologists were likely to exhibit some kind of isolationist behaviour.

Even Ivy would admit that she was grasping at straws in trying to dismiss the vision to herself. The information transmitted to her had weighed heavily, but even given the grim nature of her vision, she couldn't take it as gospel. She had no more reason to believe that the vision was true than she had to say that prothean beacons contained copious amounts of hallucinogens. In practise, regardless of the beacon's integrity, she was doing the right thing. If it was true then going after Saren was her best chance at finding corroborating evidence, and also her fastest path to circumventing the Reaper invasion.

If she really wanted answers before that point, this seemed to be her best opportunity.

"Dr. T'Soni, how do... prothean beacons... work?" She couldn't stammer, not here. Bad first impressions and easily glitched translators.

"Work?" The asari seemed caught off guard by the question, but recovered. "No one really knows, the beacon you discovered on Eden Prime was one of very few working specimens. It's theorised that they implant sensory information directly into higher brain function, creating an artificial memory. You seemed hesitant to speak on the subject before, Commander. What was it like? What did it tell you?"

She looked so expectant, eager. Impassioned. Ivy didn't see much to be passionate about.

"Is it possible that... the beacon's message was... false?"

"False? No. The protheans used those beacons as an emergency broadcast system, like your Alliance's high command communications. Falsifying one would have been virtually impossible."

"Could it be misinterpreted?"

"I... suppose so. Our physiology differs greatly from theirs, whatever information you received would have been confused, unclear. I would be amazed if you were able to make sense of it at all." She crossed her arms, her brow furrowing in thought. "But you did, didn't you?"

"Yes."

"What did it say?"

Ivy crossed her arms, unnerved by T'Soni's eye contact. "It was a warning."

The doctor had spoken to the crew about her theories on prothean extinction, her voice rising with enthusiasm. Shepard had been hesitant to speak about the beacon. It was just too tenuous a source of information for a matter of such gravity. Now that same passion lit the doctor's face and she took a step forward.

"What was the warning, Commander?"

It would be prudent to refuse the question. At the very least it was classified information. Her whole mission to Eden Prime had been classified.

But maybe Liara T'Soni had answers.

"The Reapers... sentient machines. They had invaded. The outlook... was not good."

"The... the Reapers? I've never heard of... And you're sure of this?" The asari clearly wasn't interested in the answer to that, she looked like she had been slapped. "The cycle... That's what Benezia and Saren are doing, aren't they? The conduit, it's... Is your crew aware of this, Commander?"

"Some of them. The Council has m-my testimony."

"So stopping Saren is about more than just a rogue Spectre. The entire galaxy is at stake. That is an enormous responsibility to put on one person."

T'Soni looked at her.

She looked back.

"Yes."

She had to find a way out of this conversation, but nothing presented itself.

"I'm sorry, Commander. I think I need a few minutes to process this," said T'Soni, sitting heavily against the bench beside her.

Shepard nodded. "I'll check in later."

The door slid shut behind her and she looked around the empty medbay. Dr. Chakwas must have been in the mess.

So, the only available expert confirmed the beacon's legitimacy. The Reapers were preparing to invade. That seemed to warrant sitting down in a dimly lit room for a few minutes. As much as she turned the problem over in her mind, she couldn't see any apparent solutions beyond her immediate course of action. Which left her essentially in the same place, only under more pressure.

The crew was all of the same opinion. She had asked them, in various ways, what they would do in her situation, and all of them had the same answer: whatever they wanted. The Council's wishes hadn't factored into their considerations, they seemed to have forgotten that a higher living authority existed. Ash thought God had the answers, Garrus thought vengeance was the way, Wrex wouldn't stand the challenge to be unmet and Kaidan thought justice had to be served, whatever that meant.

Could that same attitude be applied on a galactic scale? If called upon, could she execute a command that she believed to be against the safety of all people? She rubbed her shoulder, remembering the last time she had obeyed a command to the letter despite her better judgement. That had ended in blood.

But that was a narrow perspective. The scar along her collarbone showed her what following orders could do, but that was a faint, weak voice in her ear compared to the shrill admonishments of the last time she hadn't thought through her plan of action. Her judgement wasn't the only judgement, and the Council members weren't elected for their interior decorating skills.

Shepard looked down at her gun, wishing it had seen some action since its last cleaning. She needed to keep her hands busy.

Her guns were clean, the MAKO was fully refitted, her armour polished to a high shine. Reports had been filed, crew checked on, all her daily maintenance completed. Exercise would only lead to more thinking.

She did have a project that she had shelved at a dead end. Another impossible problem wouldn't help, but it couldn't hurt. She brought up the design documents on her omnitool. She would have used more secure storage, but at this stage it was nothing even remotely dangerous. Alenko had shared his MAKO project with her, maybe a new set of eyes would make some headway here.

_Alenko,_

_I have a mod project in the works, I could use your input. Care to join me?_

_Shepard._

She sent the message and waited. Waited. He was taking a long time to respond. Maybe she'd caught him in the middle of something, but any message to her subordinates should have been marked priority. He might have received it and not wanted to answer. No, that would make no sense. She wasn't asking him to do anything illegal. Not very illegal. It was really all in the paperwork.

Her omnitool buzzed, finally.

_Commander,_

_What did you have in mind?_

_Alenko._

He must have just been busy.

_Alenko,_

_We'll need some privacy, meet me in the comm room._

_Shepard._

She didn't waste time, now that her mind had been brought back to this project it was easy to distract herself from the endless cascade of dead end thoughts on Saren and the Reapers. It was easier to think of piercing shields and armour as she climbed the stairs to the comm room.

Those she understood. Physics were immutable, if her wiring wasn't working she could be sure it was her own fault, she could trace the paths to fix the problem. Modding was clean, practical, she could almost do it on autopilot. The perfect kind of work to clear her mind of clutter.

She wirelessly connected to the comm room communications array and used the projectors to bring up her data. The real legwork had already been done, now it was a matter of putting the puzzle together. The diagrams she had already drawn were incomplete, imperfect, but it was a start, enough to bring Alenko up to speed on her work so far.

The door opened behind her and she looked back. Alenko looked nervous as hell. Why did everyone always think they were in trouble when she called them? Compared to other officers, her rate of punishment for insubordination and incompetence was significantly lower. It made no sense. Unfortunately, psychology was not immutable.

"Ma'am?"

"Lieutenant. I thought you'd like to help me."

He looked at the information she had spread out. "With a weapons mod."

"Yes."

"Without wanting to gush, Commander," he leaned on spread hands against the console, staring up. "Your weapon mods are legendary. I don't see how I could help you."

"I n-need a shield expert. Are you up for it?"

"I... yeah. What are we working on? This looks like some kind of shield bypass."

"I want a mod that will punch through armour behind shields."

Kaidan let out a long breath. "That's a tall order."

"Mm." She pulled out her old pistol, extended the barrel and pressed it gently against her lips, a time tested ritual. "Hello, Bear."

He looked at her, raised an eyebrow at the pistol. "That's a Hangman. I thought they went out of production in the 60s."

She smiled. "If a mod works on Hello Bear, it will work on any gun."

"Oh, I get it. Trial by fire. You're not going to make this easy, are you, Shepard?"

She fixed him with a look as slightly pleased as she felt by that. "Shepard, huh?"

"If I'm out of line, just let me know."

She supposed that once she had brought a mountain down on his head he'd won the right to call her Shepard. "No, not out of line. And... not wrong. My mods are the best."

He leaned back against the console, a casual posture that looked good on him. "So what's the plan?"

"I think that..." Shepard stopped, bit her lip. She had always worked alone on these projects. She'd worked alone on almost all of her more technical assignments, she'd never been asked to spout long, complicated sentences in this context. It usually just happened inside her head.

Alenko had been good about this, his initial surprise had worn off, he didn't seem put off by her stuttering, hadn't lost faith in her as an officer. She opened her omnitool and started typing, it was easier to get it out in text and he'd have a record. She wrote down the basics of her schematic as quickly as she could. He waited patiently for her to finish, still slouched against the console.

She sent the message and he read it. The modding concepts might be too advanced for him, but he could learn as they went. She was good with shields, but he was better, he understood how they worked.

He nodded as he finished. "I think I get the idea."

She looked back at the projections of her data. "Then let's g-get to work."


	11. Jabberwocky

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 10**

**Jabberwocky**

* * *

_One_

* * *

Kaidan wouldn't say that he was easily confused. He'd been around, he knew the score. He knew what was expected of him and what issues would come up in each posting. Most of his executive officers had asked his opinion at one point or another on sensitive political topics. But this time he had been thrown for a loop.

Ivy Shepard had asked for his help with weapon modding.

He could hear her, sitting in the mess with Ash while he finished up his work on the _Normandy's_ heat emission sensors. There was a strange friendship if ever he saw one. Somehow he would have more easily pictured her buddying up with Garrus or Wrex. Ash was laughing at something she said, drowning out the commander's quiet voice.

She had asked for his help with weapon modding.

The words still didn't make any sense to him. His own assault rifle had the tungsten rounds mod, the logo on the side clean and professional, used by soldiers all through the Alliance and alien militaries. He knew who held the patent on that mod. The few mods of hers that he knew about were widely distributed, standard issue equipment. That was before she'd told him in staggered sentences about her declassified specialist work.

She'd made rounds for demolition teams, intelligence teams, even medical work. And she wanted his help. To say he was intimidated would be an understatement.

More surprising was the fact that he was being helpful. Shepard just didn't seem to understand the concept that he might not know how to build these kind of mods. If he came up empty she would stare at him blankly until he gave her something, anything. A theory about relative frequencies, an old rumour about overload pulses, an idea on spread defences. Then his wild guess would come to life in her projections, spread out across the comm room displays. It took a while for him to catch on to exactly what she needed, but through her relentless prodding they had made their first theoretical prototype.

They'd talked, working, running numbers. He told her about brain camp and she had laughed with recognition a few times. He'd known she was in an Alliance pre-enlistment program, he hadn't realised how similar it must have been, a bunch of teenagers locked up together trying to figure out how they fit into the world. He'd asked about 'Hello, Bear' and she'd just smiled and shaken her head.

He heard the clink of beer bottles and realised he'd spent too long navel gazing instead of working. Ash had been smiling to herself ever since the commander had given approval for Armistice Day celebrations.

He finished up his adjustments and closed the panel. Liara had joined Ash and Shepard, they had a few books spread open in front of them, the old paper kind, dog eared and crinkled from humidity changes; they'd seen a few tours.

He didn't say anything as he rounded the partition, Shepard was speaking, a constant, confident stream of words as she gestured slightly with her beer bottle, the neck caught between her fingers.

"'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves  
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:  
All mimsy were the borogoves,  
And the mome raths outgrabe."

Liara opened her omnitool, looking confused. "I'm sorry, my translator seems to have stopped working."

The books spread out were poetry, classical. Tennyson, Auden, Wordsworth. Ash... well he could imagine her liking poetry, but Shepard? Kaidan took the seat next to Shepard and Ash slid a beer across the table for him.

"Thanks, Chief. Your translator is fine, Liara," Kaidan said. "That's not any traditional human language."

"Oh. What language is it?"

The three humans looked at Liara. It was a good question, one they responded to with various levels of shrugs. Kaidan cracked open his beer and took a long drink. He was glad they were taking this downtime, it had been pretty busy since Eden Prime.

A few more crewmen wandered into the mess, the senior officers moving over to accommodate them. Beers were passed out, Ash's books shuffled aside. The mess wasn't big enough to hold half the crew, Kaidan wondered in passing how many people Ash had invited to celebrate. Liara took a seat on the bench next to Ash, across from him.

"Do you drink, Liara?" Kaidan asked her. Ash and Shepard were putting the books aside, but talking Auden and didn't look like they'd be joining in the conversation anytime soon.

"Not usually," the asari said. "The dig sites I usually work on aren't exactly known for their active nightlife. I was given to understand that human military vessels didn't allow alcohol."

"Well, it's a special occasion," he said.

"Yes, Armistice Day. I wasn't in council space during the relay 314 incident, but it doesn't seem like much to celebrate. A war started over a misunderstanding that cost many lives on both sides. Is celebrating conflict a human tradition?"

"Well, we don't celebrate getting killed," he said.

She frowned. "No victory was achieved by either side during the war. There were no territories or resources gained, no political or religious ideal at the central conflict. Why celebrate simply surviving?"

Crewman Negulesco, sitting next to Liara, uncapped her drink and grinned. "We celebrate kicking the turians' asses all the way back to Palaven."

"That's a little different to the story I was told." Garrus made his way to the table, Negulesco hurriedly moved aside to let him sit next to Liara, and then shuffled an extra foot away.

"I don't know, Vakarian, sounds pretty accurate to me," Ash joined in, a sly smile on her face. "How many dreadnoughts were over Shanxi when it was liberated?"

"About half as many as the Alliance brought, and one less than it would have taken to keep it."

Ash cracked a grin and Kaidan laughed, he could tell where this was going.

"Hey, Vakarian, how many turians does it take to refill a fuel tank?"

"I don't know, Chief Williams, how many?"

"Three, two to stand guard while the third calls the higher ups for permission."

The two humans opposite Garrus chuckled nervously, but Garrus laughed. "What do you call a properly maintained gun in the human military? Worth a medal."

Ash's grin widened. "Alright, I see how it is. Sore loser."

"Would you like me to tell the one about the Council swooping in to save you?"

Liara watched the exchange that was happening on either side of her. Kaidan could think of better educational experiences, she looked like she was worried they were about to go for each others' throats and have to get through her to do it.

Garrus and Ash continued trading barbs, the laughter of the human crew getting less nervous. Kaidan knew that Williams wasn't really comfortable around aliens, but she didn't get out of line, even though her bottle was draining at in impressive rate.

"What do you think, Commander?" Ash asked Shepard, who was studying her own bottle. "Who won the First Contact War?"

"The breweries," said the commander, then jerked in surprise when people laughed. She looked up, a bemused smile creeping over her face.

The mess was getting pretty crowded, lower crewmen leaning against the walls or sitting up on benches; they should have planned this for the cargo bay. Kaidan wasn't surprised that Wrex hadn't joined them, he didn't seem the type to enjoy some crew bonding time.

"I'm still not sure I understand," said Liara. "If you're not even sure who won, what is there to celebrate?"

"Today is the day that humanity joined the galactic community," said Shepard. "Our first peaceful interaction outside our own system."

"And now we have our own council Spectre," Kaidan raised his beer in her direction. "And maybe a seat on the Council in our future. We've come a long way, Liara. That's what we're celebrating."

Shepard smiled. "That and kicking the turians' asses all the way back to Palaven."

"Oh, that's it, now you're in for it," Garrus laughed.

Again she looked dumbfounded that her joke had landed, looking around at her grinning crew. Garrus challenged her to arm wrestling to defend Earth's dignity and she accepted, the same surprised, pleased smile on her face. Her stuttering had vanished, drowned out by the beer, Kaidan guessed.

She gripped Garrus' talon tightly, dwarfed by the turian. She had slim shoulders which probably helped when she was climbing through air vents but wouldn't do her any favours in arm wrestling.

"Ten credits on the commander," said NCO Draven, hovering behind Garrus by the wall.

"I'll take that bet," said a voice behind Kaidan that he couldn't immediately identify. "Commander could put a hole between his eyes from a click away, but she's not going to win at arm wrestling."

Shepard pinched her tongue between her teeth, pink tip just barely visible. Kaidan was sitting on her unscarred side, and the profile she showed was beautiful, brow furrowed, lips parted, the curl on her forehead twisting rebelliously.

She put up a decent fight against Garrus, the wiry muscles in her arms straining, but it wasn't long before the back of her hand hit the table top to a chorus of groans.

"And Palaven remains the victor!" Garrus announced.

"C'mon, Chief," Kaidan said. "Step up and defend Earth."

Ash stood a better chance, used to lugging around half the armoury on her back. She cracked her knuckles and met eyes with Garrus.

Kaidan left the table, making way for Ash to sit across from Garrus. He went to lean against the wall near the medbay door, watching the wrestling as it continued. Shepard joined him, watching her crew intently.

She seemed calm, happy, but there was a sort of confusion in her expression, the crease on her forehead, the way she wet her lips every so often. The first time Ash beat Garrus she let out a little laugh.

"Thanks for letting us do this, Commander," he said. "It's good to blow off steam."

"Mm."

"Looks like you haven't had a party for a while." He didn't want to get too personal, but he was curious. Shepard's history, her maze of a mind, were just blanks, her inability to share enforced by her classified work and her speech difficulties.

"Elysium was the last." She looked at the bottle in her hands. A fresh one, she must have finished her last. "Morphine is a little stronger."

Kaidan chuckled. "Yeah, I'd think so. Didn't you get any downtime in black ops?"

"My men sometimes took some."

"Well, I'm glad you're taking the time. You're an interesting woman, Shepard. It's good getting to know you."

The smile dropped from her face, confusion completely replacing it. She didn't seem to know what to say, her lips slightly parted as if she wanted to say something but nothing was coming out. She frowned. "Thank you."

She was really bad at this. It was almost sweet, watching her fumble over social niceties when he knew that she could kill everyone in this room in under four minutes. Maybe less, if she'd planned ahead.

She opened her omnitool and started tapping away at it, glancing up occasionally at the arm wrestling matches which had gone from Earth versus Palaven into people defending their hometowns or football teams.

Morphine at Elysium. He doubted that she meant before the attack. "Elysium is where you used the napalm."

She nodded, still pecking away at her omnitool. "Mm. Water balloons."

"Water balloons?"

"We set up a stronghold at the resort, held the line there. Jury rigged some sling shots from deck chairs, mixed up some napalm with soap and sugar. The balloons would last about twenty seconds, they had to be filled, tied and launched over the batarians before twenty, then a sniper would use an incendiary round."

That was ingenious. Terrifying, but ingenious. "So what happened?"

"A civilian was tired, not thinking straight. He nearly launched one over the Alliance when they landed. We stopped the launch, but the balloon exploded, a spark from the springs ignited it."

Kaidan winced in sympathetic pain. He could picture it, the napalm splashing her hands as she reached for the civilian, half her face as she tried to turn away. That must have hurt like hell. The civilian wouldn't have forgotten about it in a hurry.

He looked around the mess. Some people were retreating to the cargo bay as the crowding became an issue. Shepard closed down her omnitool and his own beeped, red for a message from her.

"Should we join them?" she asked, pushing off the wall.

He glanced at his omnitool. "Go ahead, I won't be long."

She nodded and went to join the others in their slow migration. He opened up his messages to find hers waiting.

_Alenko,_

_You wanted to know about Hello Bear._

_When I was six, on the streets, I was scavenging for food when I went too far onto tenth street. I knew it was a bad idea, but I was hungry so I risked it. The Boss caught me in his garage, he was with a girl and I think he was trying to impress her by looking tough._

_He pointed his gun at me and said, "If you walk into the cave, you'd better be ready to meet the bear."_

_I looked at the gun and said, "Hello, Bear."_

_His girlfriend laughed until she cried and insisted that she be allowed to keep me. The Boss wasn't happy, but he let her keep me so long as I worked in his shop, cleaning parts, tightening screws and the like._

_The girlfriend didn't last long, but he kept me anyway. He upgraded pistols a few years later and gave Hello Bear to me. It has taken every mod I've ever developed, and saved my life more times than I can count. It is old, but perfect._

_Shepard._

Kaidan stared at his omnitool. He supposed he should be pleased that she'd taken his advice, let him get to know her. Her favourite gun had been shoved in her face when she was six. She should have been in school, doing finger paintings and learning nursery rhymes, learning to read, pulling the other girls' pigtails. She loved that gun, took it with her everywhere even though she used a better model in the field.

He looked up to see the mess all but empty. He sighed, any buzz he'd been working on had fizzled out, but if Shepard could get into the spirit of Armistice Day, he knew he could as well. He closed down his omnitool and headed for the elevator.


	12. Breaking Regs

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 11**

**Breaking Regs**

* * *

_One_

* * *

Shepard was not as oblivious as people thought. She understood that there was something different about her.

On every new post from enlistment through officer training she had been sent to a psychologist. They tossed about words, frightening words, words that would get her a psychiatric discharge if they ever made it into a final report. She wasn't oblivious to the private chats that her superiors had with those psychologists, or the quick transfer of either herself or the shrink soon afterwards without any diagnosis made.

Maybe it would be more accurate to say that she was not unaware of her own obliviousness. She knew that she missed things. Social standards, to be more specific. On the battlefield she could memorise layouts in seconds; track enemy movements on multiple fronts. But in a conversation she quickly found herself turned about.

It was the look on Ash's face that tipped her off. She was missing something.

"Scuttlebutt says he's already sweet on someone," Ash had said. Then gave her a _look_.

That look, lips slightly parted, eyebrows drawn together, full eye contact. As if to say 'Get it?'

No. She didn't get it. But there was something to get and that was what she got. The information she had could be extrapolated. So she had given Ash a knowing nod and ended the conversation.

Alenko was sweet on someone. A commanding officer should have picked up on that.

She found that she didn't like the idea. He adhered to regs strictly, so this meant that someone had made him compromise his standards. That was always a bad sign in a marine. And if his feelings were reciprocated it could lead to negative unit cohesion, she might have to step in to discipline him. Even if he kept it savoury, would she lose him? His off hours were all spent working on their projects: the MAKO, the SP/AP mod, whatever they decided needed improvement. If he was romantically interested in someone he would want to be spending time with them instead of her.

This clearly could not be left to stand. She needed additional information before deciding if she should step in. She could let this continue so long as it didn't disrupt the crew; if it did, early, decisive action would be the only course.

Shepard returned to her quarters. She had time to commence a private operation.

The first information she would have to collect would be the identity of this person on whom Kaidan was sweet.

She had been issued a standard infiltration kit, not top of the line but sufficient for her purposes, which she laid out on her bed. She sorted through her equipment, considering her options. Bugging the _Normandy_ was useless, she already had access to all surveillance feeds and a 24 hour monitoring operation would be impractical. Bribing or blackmailing her own crew was also off the table, it would be the first step towards what she was trying to prevent: fractures in her operations.

Affection left biological markers, monitoring the crew could work. Pheremones were produced, increased fluid production, sweat, saliva, increased heart rate, dilated pupils, sudden loss of coordination. Those things were difficult to monitor, but not impossible. Pheremone production would be the most reliable but implanting sensors would be a problem.

Shepard shook her head, clearing her thoughts. All of those options relied on the idea that Alenko's crush reciprocated his feelings, an assumption on which she couldn't afford to base her investigation.

No, this would have to come from the source. Alenko would have an immediate physical reaction to this person, that would be her way in. Implanting sensors in him was also impractical. She could analyse the security footage she had for signs of pupil dilation, or set up a module in the ship's VI to do it for her, but that would take time and she found herself impatient.

Impatient and curious. Alenko would be discreet, she knew that much, but she couldn't think of a statistical outlier in his behaviour toward anyone on the ship. For his demographic it was likely that he would be interested in human females between the ages of 23 and 50, of which there were several on board, but she couldn't discount the possibility that his tastes might deviate from the norm. That could easily blinder her study.

If she worked outside a single standard deviation of the bell curve, Liara T'Soni and Tali'Zorah were both physically within the standards of human beauty and had come on board before this so-called sweetness commenced.

His engineering background also brought him into regular contact with Engineer Adams, and his migraines meant he spent a potentially significant amount of time with Dr. Chakwas, but these were unlikely possibilities. Ash's insistent stare had made it seem as if the answer was obvious, which indicated that it would be ill-advised to work under the assumption that his sexual interests lay outside the majority of the population. Still, thinking of Dr. Chakwas gave her an idea.

There were a number of sensors already installed to monitor her ground team's vitals, the most relevant stat being heart rate. The readouts were usually only accessible from her hardsuit, but that could be altered. It was illegal, but hadn't her crew been encouraging her to use her Spectre privileges to accomplish her goals?

She sat down at her desk and started working on her omnitool, setting up a simple routine that she could attach to the medbay readouts. Disguising the alert would be her primary challenge. While her crew had undoubtedly picked up on her lack of social prowess there was no need to clue them in to its full extent.

A message alert wouldn't raise suspicion, but she couldn't risk missing a message due to a mistake. She set up the light array in a different position, at first glance the heart signal would look like an incoming low-priority message. She included signals at different positions for each of her ground team; it wouldn't hurt to have them all monitored. What gave her insight into Kaidan could give her insight into the others as well. She finished the routine and logged into the ship's medical database, adding the alert to the heart readouts.

There. Now she would know the moment any romantic interaction occurred on her ship, and it would be as simple as looking at a blinking light on her omnitool.

Satisfied, she packed her infiltration kit away. Gradually the _Normandy_ was becoming more comfortable for her. The tools in the cargo bay were getting replaced with familiar models, she had a dev workshop tucked away in one of the storage rooms and ever-increasing amounts of estimative data on her crew. Despite the fact that their hunt for Saren was getting more desperate she was sleeping better.

The mission was progressing according to her projections, and she was comfortable in the knowledge that she was doing all she could. This behaviour had, in the past, caused concern in her crew. They always believed there was something more to be done, that she should pace and wring her hands, recalculate. There was merit to the idea, but she couldn't pretend that she had any new information to examine, or that she had any new ideas on old information, or that she had any method to create new ideas without stimulus.

The side projects she had indulged in were productive. If she could get these rounds working, get a good handle on her crew's mood, get their equipment in top condition, that would give them an edge against Saren. It was the better use of her time.

Sitting idle after finishing her monitor modifications wasn't helping them, and it wasn't helping her. The annoying buzz of Ash's words at the back of her head persisted. The lack of immediately accessible results was frustrating. She had intended to wait out the trip to the Citadel, take some downtime to recharge, but Ash had inadvertently rendered that idea impossible.

So, instead she was doing the stationary equivalent of pacing and wringing her hands.

Frustration wasn't something she dealt with easily. She was usually patient, she could arrange circumstances to get the desired results and watch her plans play out. But at that very moment she was frustrated; with Ash for not speaking clearly, with Alenko for hiding something from her, and with herself for not picking up on this without blatant prodding and the manipulation of Alliance hardware.

She needed to catalyse this. She needed to expose Alenko to the right kind of stimulus to give her an answer.

She stood, straightened her clothing and walked out into the crew area. He was standing not far from her door, endlessly fiddling with the eezo monitoring array.

"Alenko. With me," she said.

After a brief start he fell into step behind her. Her mind raced. She should have planned this out better. What was she planning to do, take him on a walking tour of the ship and see if he felt amorous in particular areas?

Better to get him talking, she decided as she changed course for the elevator. The dev workshop that she had set up for their weapon testing was a perfect pretence. She could have him alone, talk with him, hopefully get him thinking about someone and correlate the heart rate change to their conversation.

"Where are we going, ma'am?" he asked in the interminably slow elevator.

She watched the square panels slide past as the elevator went down. They were improbable. It must have been an optical illusion, because by her measurements the number of panels would mean that there was a deck between the crew quarters and the cargo bay.

"I have something to show you."

She gave him what she hoped was a reassuring smile, trying to maintain eye contact. People found eye contact reassuring, it showed confidence.

Her omnitool buzzed and she looked down. A green light four centimetres to the right of her message alert. Apparently her confident reassurance hadn't worked. She'd never known he was so nervous around her. This had been a good idea.

She had to find a way to break through this barrier between them. She knew that he trusted her in combat, but she needed his confidence. Therum hadn't required much thought or diplomacy, but she knew thatshe would eventually have to show her people skills. He was an invaluable member of her ground team. She needed his backing, whatever the mission threw at them.

The smile hadn't worked. Maybe he was still distracted by her scars. She didn't have many other methods for mediation. Talking sometimes helped, but she had the feeling that even if she was capable, he didn't want to be called out on this.

Physical contact was a method some officers used. A short clap on the shoulder or back. She rarely used it herself and found herself uncoordinated just thinking it. No, that wouldn't work, she was more likely to cuff him over the back of the head. Even if she managed the movements she couldn't imagine it being anything but unbearable.

Time and patience, she reminded herself. There was no need to force things.

The elevator doors opened and she headed for her dev workshop. She focused on her mission. Get him talking. Get him thinking.

Kaidan looked around inside the room. The storage spaces weren't as big as she would have liked, but there was enough room. A targeting dummy stood at the end of the room, 3.86 metres from where a gun could safely be fired in the enclosed space. She'd pilfered a workbench and enough displays to keep them from needing the comm room.

"Where'd you get the displays?" he asked. He met her eyes for a second, then half smiled, almost exasperated. "Right. I don't want to know."

"I've f-f-finished the circuitry," she said.

"Ready for testing?"

She nodded and withdrew Hello Bear, feeling a little exposed for her traditional greeting after having unthinkingly displayed it when they had started this project. She exchanged the kiss and the whisper for simply extending the pistol and laying it on the workbench. The SP/AP chip was already on the bench and she removed the mods currently inside Bear, laying them out beside him and inserting the fresh mod.

"Give me some shields."

Alenko crouched down beside the dummy, adjusting its inbuilt shielding. The physical armour would need to be replaced after each round of testing, which was a logistical problem. She had gone through more than 200 plates developing tungsten rounds. The piece it currently wore was a geth chestplate she had salvaged on Therum. Geth made for profitable enemies, their salvageable parts worth a lot more than the bullets it took to acquire them.

An electric crackle from the dummy gave her the signal, shields humming to life over the armour. Kaidan straightened and moved back out of firing range.

She primed Hello Bear, the old model needing a moment to heat its eezo before use, then aimed.

She paused.

Alenko needed some sign that she wasn't intimidating, that he wasn't constantly in trouble. Her current approach clearly wasn't working. A show of trust might break that ice.

Shepard turned and offered the pistol to him, grip first. "Do the honours?"

He stared at the gun, lips parted. The light on her omnitool flared to life and she internally cursed. Wrong again. He half reached for the gun, then hesitated. After a brief pause he took the gun from her.

"Yes, ma'am."

She was not good at this. The heart monitor stared at her.

_I know, I know,_ she wanted to say to it. _I'll keep trying._

She leaned against the wall, letting him take his place on the line she had marked out on the floor. She'd have to work on further distances once they had achieved a suitable penetration, but her space was limited on a frigate.

Alenko took up a firing stance, feet apart, shoulders squared, both hands on the gun. It was almost amusing to see him handle Hello Bear. It had fit in her hands when she was ten, but his hands were far bigger than hers and to an outside observer it would look like he wasn't holding a weapon, simply pointing his fingers menacingly at the target.

She watched him take aim, her eyes wandering almost of their own accord down the muscles of his arms and chest. His physical fitness didn't match his combat role. That was an interesting contradiction. He had no need of physical strength, but he actively worked to build and preserve it.

The shot surprised her, startling her from her examination and her own light on her omnitool flashed as her heart thundered in her ears. She felt the blood rushing to her face. Why had she been looking at him? The green light reminded her that she was here for more than just first round prototype testing.

She looked at the target. The shields had been pierced cleanly, but the pellet of metal fizzled impotently against the armour. That wouldn't do.

"Shield strength?"

"Highest setting."

"Lower it."

The pellet had lost all momentum. The nullifying pulse worked perfectly but it just took that nanosecond too long to preserve momentum. They could try to work around it, maybe if it worked on a lower setting they could amplify the pulse, give it a little more power to short out the shields faster, or...

_Get him talking,_ she reminded herself fiercely. These rounds were a project with an indefinite timeline, that wasn't her purpose today, she couldn't get distracted. She needed to find out who he had his eyes set on.

T'Soni. It had to be T'Soni. They had a lot in common, both were intelligent, both were biotics, both liked to talk at length. Alenko was good with awkward people, he had a way with Shepard herself, so he would only too easily fall into step with the asari.

"What do you think of Dr. T'Soni?" she blurted out the question without even thinking about it.

"Dr. T'Soni?" he repeated, taken by surprise. He offered her back her gun and moved to reset the shields. "Seems like a sweet girl. Easy on the eyes."

Yes. Finally. Something right. "Mm."

He stood up as the shields sprung to life again. One look at her face and he laughed shortly. "Oh, not like that, ma'am. I prefer adventurous women."

Damn. Adventurous women? He liked adventurous women, more adventurous than deep space archaeologists, it wasn't Ash, who thought it was obvious, and from his phrasing he was definitely heterosexual. Why wouldn't anyone give her anything solid? It was like some fox/chicken/bag of grain puzzle.

_Prompt him_ , _Nihlus had the right strategy._

"Adventurous?"

"Yeah," he smiled, getting behind her to give her a clear shot.

He was good at this. She could take a few lessons from him.

She aimed Bear and fired. The round pierced the shields again, and again barely scratched the surface of the geth plating. Two useless endeavours in one day. What a waste of her time. This model clearly wasn't going to work, they'd have to start from scratch.

"We need a... new approach."

He had been anxious to work this project with her, she thought he might be disheartened by their initial failure, but he followed her to the work bench without any complaint, his face open, almost... happy?

She was going to drive herself crazy over this.

"I was hoping we'd have some time to talk, ma'am."

She removed the chip, sliding it into one of the storage panels on the bench before refitting Bear's original mods. "What's up?"

"Off the record, I think there's something wrong here. This Saren's looking for records on some kind of galactic extinction, but we can't get backup from the Council? Sorry, Shepard, there's writing on the wall here, but someone isn't reading it."

Shepard activated the projectors, spreading their previous design documents across the wall in front of them.

"Monster's in the mirror," she said.

"Ma'am?"

"They're... afraid. If it's real they need to p-p-panic. They d-don't want to panic, so it's not real."

"So your theory is that they're too afraid of their own fear to be afraid?" he asked.

"Yes."

"Monster's in the mirror. I get it."

He looked at her. She could feel it. He was leaning against the workbench, just the same as she was. Her eyes were fixed on her design, but she could feel his stare, feel the radiant heat of his body next to hers.

"Is it the same for you, Shepard?"

"Hmm?"

"You seem pretty calm for someone with the fate of the galaxy on her shoulders."

Ah, she'd known this would be a problem. "What do you suggest?"

"I don't know, I guess a little panic would make it more real. If we don't get to Saren..."

He trailed off. She hated it when people trailed off, as if the rest of their sentence was obvious. If they didn't get to Saren life as they knew it was over. That was a fact she had processed some time ago. Further contemplation was unnecessary, it wouldn't change the outcome.

"We will," she said.

"We have to."

"We _can_." She looked at him, making sure he understood. "Necessity is... irrelevant. We have ability."

"It's good to hear you say that. You don't let much stand in your way, do you?"

"I have a gun," she said, and he gave that little laugh that made her smile without meaning to. "We could try a stronger pulse."

She returned her attention to the display, trying to work out where her calculations had misled her.

"You're the expert," he said.

"Ideas, Kaidan." Her omnitool buzzed again and she looked down, almost incredulous. Damn, bloody, sodding, sod of a damn. She'd been thinking of him by his first name occasionally, but she shouldn't have said it out loud. Too familiar.

He kept his eyes fixed on the displays, but his face was just slightly flushed and his hands gripped the edge of the workbench a little too tightly. She double checked the light, making sure it wasn't just a message, but confirmed that it was him again. Did he often experience this kind of tachycardia? Maybe she had inadvertently discovered a heart defect in one of her marines. Maybe he suffered from anxiety.

His grip on the metal didn't loosen, and the light didn't recede, but his colour fell and he frowned in thought.

"What about an anti-materiel shot? Use brute force to pierce both."

"Illegal. We have to consider its use on non-armoured targets."

The muscles in his throat tightened as he considered that. "What about webbing, the kind they use in asteroid mining?"

"Pulse contraction," she said, catching that train of thought easily.

"Right, we modify its contraction trigger. A scatter shot hits the shield, the frequency makes it ball up, complete bypass."

She didn't have the programming to project that, but the idea was good, inventive. She had never considered the military use of mining nets. She'd worked on a mining demolition contract a few years back; a subcontractor who was trying to undermine batarian supplies. She had a few contacts she could call to get some webbing and the required software.

"I'll need to restock."

"You think we can make it work?"

"Yes." _Get him talking._ He was good at distracting her. She was still no closer to discovering the identity of his crush, leading her to believe that it was easier to design weapon mods than to get straight answers. No surprise there.

He smiled. He had a really nice smile. "We'll get there, Shepard. Never thought I'd be doing this sort of tech work."

"Because of your biotics?"

"Yeah, well, they don't have a teenage boot camp for techs."

She'd read that in his file. "Biotic Acc... Acclim..."

No, this wasn't going to work.

Kaidan gave her a minute to try to work through it, then said, "Brain camp."

"Brain camp. Tell me about it."

He started to speak but was cut off by Joker's voice through the radio.

" _We have clearance to dock, Commander, heading in to the Citadel now_."

She pointed to her omnitool, already backing up to collect Hello Bear. "Message me?"

"Sure," he said.

"We'll talk later, Kaidan."

"I'd like that."

She stuck Hello Bear into her waistband and headed for the elevator. That wasn't a total loss, but it was close. She had only confused the information she had been given, was no closer to finding her target, the first round mods didn't work, and now she knew exactly how uncomfortable she made the lieutenant. Maybe this monitor hadn't been such a good idea after all.


	13. Archangel

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 12**

**Archangel**

* * *

_Two_

* * *

Lazarus was crazy.

Jacob wasn't above questioning orders, but this woman needed a whole lot more than questioning. They were on the bridge that led to Archangel's base, behind one of the makeshift barricades. Shots were being fired over their heads and even Miranda looked like she was about to object to their orders.

"Sorry, Commander, but that's suicide," he said.

Lazarus looked at him through that creepy visor. "I have no intention of wasting resources. Get to him, bring him back here. I'll clear your path."

She stood up and walked away, unfastening the shoulder of her hardsuit as she went. Jacob and Miranda exchanged a worried glance, then followed. They had already gone on a grand tour of the merc encampment, every room scouted. The way she eyed the mechs made him nervous, and she looked at the merc leaders like they were display pieces in a museum, a little curiosity and a lot of boredom.

Lazarus led them to the room where the YMIR mech was packed in its de-powered position. She was determined to get her hardsuit off, piling it piece by piece behind the mech.

"What are you doing?" Miranda asked.

"Going silent. When they order the charge you head out. Get to Archangel, I'll provide a disguise. Then you walk him back over here."

"Don't you think they'll notice the three of us just walking back this way?" Jacob said.

Lazarus discarded her chestpiece, the polymer clattering against the ground. "No. No more objections. You're wasting time."

"This mission is pointless if we lose people," Miranda said. "We should have a plan that leaves us some hope of making it out alive."

"If we all go in there, there will be three well-armed mercenary groups with nothing to do but stop us from making it back out. Follow my orders or go back to the ship."

She finished with her leg armour, leaving her in nothing but the thick webbing underlay. The Commander Shepard from the vids had been a schoolboy's dream, all T&A, but with only her mouth showing, the bodysuit made her look like she was out of some kind of fetish porn. It wasn't a pretty sight.

She attached her pistol to the thin mesh belt around her waist, at the small of her back, and held her sniper rifle in one hand.

Jacob got the feeling that she wasn't playing with them. He didn't think she'd mind them getting a new set of holes shot in them, but she wouldn't waste the manpower. That was one thing about Cerberus, as long as a person stayed useful, they stayed safe.

Miranda's face had been set for days now in a half scowl, like she was trying to keep everything she was thinking from bursting out of her mouth. It was almost graduating to a full scowl as she crossed her arms. It was funny, he'd had plenty of time to think about working with Commander Shepard, and he'd always thought she and Miranda would hate each other. Maybe there was more of Shepard in Lazarus than they thought.

"Alright," Miranda said tightly. "Let's do it your way."

She wasn't used to answering to other people, he knew that about her. Apart from the Illusive Man, but that was more like answering to a parent; she never stressed about looking for his approval.

Lazarus opened up a grate into the ventilation system, then looked back at them. "Go now."

"Yes, ma'am," Jacob said.

Neither of them wore the full hardsuit like Lazarus, he didn't like their chances of going up against a hail of gunfire, but if their commanding officer told them to, he didn't have much of a choice. If she wasn't up to this task they didn't stand a chance against the Reapers anyway, making it out of this mission would only be borrowing so much time.

He didn't want to get sloppy, but having Ivy Shepard in the vents was notoriously the safest a person could be. When they made the vid about the siege of the Citadel there had been a whole half hour dedicated to her crawling around in vents, some actress in a catsuit making it look sexy as hell. There were stories, too, from Noveria, from Elysium. People felt safe with their sniper out of sight.

Miranda strode back towards the barricades, that tight, long legged march that she used when she was angry, looking to mess some people up. It had scared the hell out of the lab techs, didn't do much for the mercenaries either.

She took cover behind the main barricade, waiting for the merc order to move forward. He got the feeling that she didn't want to talk about their chance of success. She probably had a dozen backup plans for when this fell to pieces, Miranda Lawson never let anyone else take charge completely. She'd been brutal in Cerberus, just waiting for her superior to screw up, stepping up to take over the second she could. There were a lot of forced retirements under her feet.

"So what's the plan?" he asked.

"Schematics indicate there's an underground entrance to this building. When there's no clear path back this way we wait for a break in fire and take Archangel out through the basement."

" _The Blood Pack have that route sealed off._ " Lazarus' voice through the radio deepened Miranda's scowl. " _Please maintain radio silence where possible_."

Oh, yeah. They hated each other. Jacob couldn't help finding it a little funny that the surveillance queen herself had her radio hacked.

Lazarus sure knew how to fight, they'd seen that. She knew how to make plans, put them into action. But there were a few things she just didn't get about humans. Like how to talk to them, or not to hack into their personal equipment. Whatever drug Miranda had her on wasn't working.

The mercs around them were nervous, mostly young men; human, batarian, turians, a few salarians. Half of them looked like they'd never held a gun before. For a kid thinking the merc life looked like fun an open casting call like this was hard to pass up. Young and stupid, might never get a chance to learn better. Jacob knew how to follow orders, how to fight and survive, but the main thing that was going to get him over that barricade was that he didn't want to be anywhere near this base when Lazarus put her plan into action.

"Freelancers, move out," a batarian at the end of the barricade gave the order.

Some of the more eager kids were the first over, running for all they were worth. Jacob and Miranda held back a few seconds to put a few more bodies between themselves and Archangel's sniper scope. The human kid they'd seen in Afterlife was the first to get gunned down, straight between the eyes. Jacob leapt over him as they passed the barricade, he kept to the left wall, Miranda hugged the right.

People dropped fast, mostly headshots, a few took it to the chest or gut, moaning in pain as they fell over. Not a pretty way to die. Archangel was taking them out fast, no wonder these guys were after him, he must have caused havoc before they had him pinned down.

Jacob ran, trying to get off that bridge as quickly as he could, putting anything he could in front of him, bookcases, support beams, other people. He made it underneath the sniper perch and checked over his shoulder, seeing Miranda make it as well, still with that kick-some-ass stride. She checked the heatsinks on her SMG and aimed it forward.

" _Hold fire._ " Lazarus' order came over the radio. " _Get closer._ "

Jacob extended his shotgun but kept it checked, keeping low and hanging back. There was a staircase up ahead, a perfect choke point. Maybe ten ahead of them, only too easy to take them by surprise.

Miranda had the same idea, using hand signals to point him toward the sturdy sofas that could probably take a few bullets, taking up a position behind the bookcase against the wall.

"Permission to open fire," Miranda murmured, not loud enough to tip off the freelancers heading up the staircase.

" _Granted. Keep it clean._ "

They caught the first few with shots to the back, with gunfire going off in all directions it took them too long to figure out what was happening and there was no cover on the staircase. Jacob switched to his assault rifle when the two remaining mercs had managed to find cover on the mezzanine.

They took a few potshots at each other, none of them willing to break cover long enough to land a decent shot. The wave they'd been in was gone now, Archangel knew how to shoot.

"Let's finish this," Miranda growled.

She strode out of cover, the few shots the mercs took fizzled out against her barrier. In a few long steps she was beside them, two shots from her pistol and they were down. He'd always known that march was dangerous.

The batarian who had been trying to hack the door was slumped against a blood-smeared wall, dead. Miranda used his tools, cracking the lock in seconds.

The barrel of an assault rifle greeted them on the other side of the door.

"Whoa, whoa." Jacob held up his hands, letting his gun dangle from his thumb by the trigger guard. "We're friends."

Archangel held the gun on them for a few seconds, hesitated, then let the muzzle drop.

"I know." He unclipped the fastenings on his helmet and removed it, tossing it carelessly on one of the sofas. "Where's Shepard?"

Jacob groaned internally. Had Miranda known? From the way she grimaced, he guessed that she hadn't. Had the Illusive Man known? Definitely.

Selling Lazarus to a vigilante would be easy, selling her to one of Shepard's old crew would be next to impossible if Tali'Zorah had been any indication.

"Garrus Vakarian," Miranda said. "I should have known."

"We're getting you out of here," Jacob said. "We're putting together a crew to fight the Collectors. They've been hitting human colonies, completely wiped out Freedom's Progress."

Vakarian scanned the merc barricade through his sniper scope. It looked like another wave was preparing. "I hope you have a good plan to get out of here." At their silence he turned to look at them. "You do have a plan."

"We're waiting on orders," Miranda said.

"I remember Shepard's plans being better than this."

" _Put him in the armour._ " The order came through Jacob's earpiece and he looked down at the barricade, trying to spy Lazarus.

"What armour?"

The three of them started at the sound of a shot hitting armour behind them. A Blue Sun turian crumpled to the ground, a hole through his throat. Jacob hadn't even noticed there was anyone else in the room, he must have been better at stealth than the average merc.

"That's our way out," Miranda said.

Together they worked on stripping the dead merc. He was smaller than Vakarian, who eyed the breastplate suspiciously. Jacob didn't know how much pressure the turian skeleton could take, but he winced when they, together, managed to close the side fastenings to the chest piece, which dug into Vakarian's chestbone in a way that the human solar plexus wouldn't have been able to take without damage.

The turian squirmed uncomfortably, but accepted the helmet when Miranda offered it. The disguise wasn't great, but it would do for a quick glance. Vakarian rubbed at his chest, where blue blood had gushed from the merc's throat, leaving a trail that looked like he'd been vomitting blood. That definitely wouldn't fool anyone.

Garrus looked down at himself. "So, two freelancers walk into a base, Archangel disappears and they walk out with a turian. Nobody's going to catch on to that."

"Lazarus, we have Archangel disguised, awaiting orders, please advise," Miranda said.

Silence.

The next wave was amassing behind the barricade. Whatever plan she had, it needed to be put into effect soon or they were going to get swamped. They could hold off a fair few people from up here, but they couldn't do it indefinitely. Vakarian had been under siege for at least two days, he was dead on his feet, in armour that didn't fit him, and the two of them could only help him so much.

"Lazarus, please advise," Miranda repeated.

A crowd of LOKI mechs started piling over the barricade, taking juddery steps towards the base. Flesh and blood would be next. They started taking out the mechs as quickly as they could, but Lazarus' sniper rifle would have come in handy.

Eclipse started following out the mechs, most of them just rushing the sniper's perch, easily taken out, but some were smart enough to take cover. A rocket rushed into the perch and Jacob dove behind a sofa, the leather being charred to pieces when the rocket hit.

He looked out over the barricade, but no more rockets reached them. There was something going on at the barricade. People were being called back, yelling, gesticulating turning their guns back towards their side of the bridge. Someone screeched at the top of their lungs, sprinting toward the bridge, and an explosion tossed a half dozen mercs into the air.

The LOKI mechs advancing on Archangel's base stopped in their tracks. In the confusion they powered down, slumping for just a moment, then the lights came back on and they turned around, aiming at the mercs instead of Archangel.

Lazarus.

" _Go now._ "

"Let's go!" Miranda ordered, leading the way out of the base, back down the stairs. By the time they made it to the barricade, they were part of dozens caught between trying to get back into the base and trying to get out of it, no one noticed three extra people in the pandemonium.

Miranda vaulted over the barricade ahead of him, Jacob didn't have time to turn back and see if Vakarian was following. Somehow Lazarus had set an YMIR mech loose in the main drag leading up to the bridge. The heavies were on it, and between rockets from their launchers and the YMIR's they had to crouch down to avoid getting their heads blown off, still moving forward.

It was insane, the noise was unbelievable, fifty mercs trying to take down one mech. The air was buzzing with biotic energy, techs were launching explosive pulses, and every so often someone would go down with a shot between the eyes, they were too busy with the mechs and exploding consoles to even notice the sniper still in the vents.

"Go, go," Miranda waved Jacob and Garrus past her, taking the rear guard when they were nearly at the transports. They weren't the only ones running for the landing pad; the freelancers still alive weren't in a hurry to join the mech battle.

On the far side of the base they were able to break out into a full sprint, putting as much distance between themselves and the fighting as they could. Rounding the corner onto the landing pad, Garrus slowed to a jog and loosened his chestpiece with a hiss of pain. It hung loosely over his shoulders, Jacob could see the bruising already starting to form along his ribcage.

"I'm going to be feeling that in the morning," the turian said.

An air vent on the wall clattered, the sound of metal against metal. Jacob twisted out the screws with his fingers and set the grating aside. Lazarus crawled out of the vent and landed on the ground, dragging her armour behind her. She wore the customised Kestrel helmet, but otherwise was still in her undersuit.

She didn't seem to mind the fact that she was next to naked, checking her rifle and pistol, armour in a pile on the ground next to her.

"Shepard," Garrus said.

Lazarus looked at him. "Vakarian, Garrus. Officer. Formerly Citadel Security, formerly _SSV_ _Normandy._ Currently listed as AWOL."

"What?" Garrus asked, half laughing. "Shepard?"

"Shepard suffered some brain damage when she was put back together," Jacob said, trying to head off the situation that was brewing. "Her memory was damaged."

"Her memory?" Vakarian asked, then turned to her. "Shepard, you don't remember me? Your crew?"

"No."

Garrus took a step toward her and Jacob adjusted his grip on his gun, ready for trouble. The turian examined Lazarus, who wasn't giving anything away, face inscrutable, mask concealing her. They stared at each other.

"What are you?"

"Cerberus anti-Reaper biomechanical reconstruction, codename: Lazarus."

Jacob could hear Tali'Zorah shrieking when he looked at Garrus' face.

_What have you done to Shepard?_

Damn, it wasn't supposed to be like this. Cerberus weren't nice guys, but even they hadn't meant to be dragging around Shepard's corpse, making it dance. They were supposed to have the real Shepard with them, have her championing the cause. Jacob could sympathise with Garrus – if he ever saw this done to one of his dead squadmates he'd be furious.

"What the hell is this?" Garrus snarled, whipping around to face Miranda.

"Shepard," she said. "Shepard with brain damage. She has no memory, she's classified herself as a Cerberus-created weapon."

"And she just follows you around, blowing things up?" His fringe was twitching, his teeth bared. Even exhausted, a turian could rip apart two armed humans. Jacob tightened his grip again.

"I am in charge of this operation," Lazarus said. "We will eliminate the Collectors. Will you be joining us?"

"Joining you?" Garrus barked out a laugh, bearing down on Miranda, his stare hard enough to pierce her. She held her ground, looking up to his face. "Yeah, I'm joining you. If I see that Shepard's body is being used for anything that Shepard wouldn't approve of, I'm taking it out of your hands."

"And how will you be doing that?" Miranda asked.

"Shepard would rather be dead than one of you. I can make that happen."

"Let's go," Lazarus said, before anyone could object. She tossed her armour in an empty transport and climbed in, not even looking back to see if the others were following. When Garrus climbed in after her, Jacob just caught their conversation. "Until you object, you'll follow this Shepard?"

"Yeah."

"Then welcome aboard."


	14. Migraines and Magic

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 13**

**Migraines and Magic**

* * *

_One_

* * *

Kaidan lay on a bed in the infirmary, a piercing pain behind his eyes. Doctor Chakwas had already given him as much pain medication as she was allowed, the lights were dim, the sounds from the mess just a muffled blur. Now all he could do was wait it out.

He'd been lucky enough since the _Normandy_ set out, this was the first migraine he'd had since Eden Prime. It was the stress, he thought. The stress of reapers and rachni and Shepard all condensed into a point of pain inside his head, the pain eventually causing nausea and disorientation and ending him up here.

Shepard kept her cool. Of course she kept her cool. She didn't know how to do anything _but_ keep her cool. She made the idea of a Reaper invasion seem like a distant, if inevitable, chore. Sometime, eventually, they'd have to restock the mess, calibrate the engines and defeat a race of sentient machines hell bent on their destruction. If they had the time.

Matriarch Benezia had made it seem real for the first time. There were people out there – armed, dangerous people – who were actively working towards galactic genocide and could achieve it. It didn't get more real than that.

And the rachni. Extinct, but somehow still walking around, trying to spray them down with acid. He could see why the krogan had been uplifted to deal with them. One nest of juveniles had given them trouble, an entire species of them against the galaxy would have been a nightmare.

The queen had begged for her life. Shepard had struggled with it. Her hand hovered over the acid that would end the rachni threat permanently. It seemed like an eternity before he got the guts to speak up.

"Genocide is way outside our mandate," he'd said.

The commander gave him a scathing look. It was the closest she'd ever come to being annoyed with him. She said nothing, but the expression on her face said it all: _Duh._

After a long pause and some surprisingly colourful swearing, she released the queen and scowled at him.

But none of that had created the pain in his head.

People wanting to kill him was nothing new. Following a Spectre and watching her make decisions way above his pay grade he could handle. It was the very start of the mission that had his head turned around.

As soon as they'd reached Peak 15 Ivy had started stripping. He'd turned red like a schoolboy and demanded to know what she was doing.

"Going silent," she'd said, all innocence. He couldn't tell if she was playing with him or if she really didn't know what she was doing.

"You're going to freeze!" he'd said, a last ditch attempt to get her to put her hardsuit back on.

"I'll be in the heating vents. Don't worry."

She'd ended up in a pair of skin tight leggings and a tank top, providing them cover from above. She was good with her sniper rifle; she was _very_ good, and she saved his ass more than once, shots coming from places he couldn't even identify. But the only thing his mind would focus on, played on an endless loop, was the moment she had first hoisted herself into the vents and he had realised she wasn't wearing any underwear.

He was screwed.

Falling-for-his-commanding-officer grade screwed.

When he thought of his CO, it was supposed to be with respect for a superior officer, in this case a woman who could shoot a hair off his head from a click away, who could rig her omnitool to fire explosives, who had permanently scarred herself to save a civilian. Instead he thought of her and all he came up with were big brown eyes, soft pink lips and god help him, those leggings.

When she had crashed through the ceiling, armed with her pistol and headed after two rachni, all he could see were her solid thighs flexing, muscles rippling beneath the skin as she leapt forward. Everything she lacked in upper body strength she made up for with those legs. His first thought, his only thought, should have been that she could probably kick him to death with those legs, but that wasn't where his brain was taking him.

He liked to give himself enough credit to say it was just his brain taking him places, and nothing else. Ivy wasn't a hard woman to fall for. Sure, she was awkward and sometimes downright rude, but she was so smart, so resourceful, and when he gave her half a chance she was sweet as well. She did the most amazing things without even realising it. There was more to her than a pair of killer legs.

The door to the infirmary slid open and he closed his eyes against the light.

"Lieutenant."

Exactly what he needed. "Ma'am."

"Headache?"

"Yeah."

The sound of her rooting through one of the drawers sent shocks of pain to the base of his skull. She found a packet of medigel and tore it open with her teeth, then smoothed the clear gel over her forearm, where she'd received an acid burn from the rachni. The packet still clenched between her teeth, she moved to stand behind him.

He struggled to sit up, to follow her, but she spat the packet aside and rested her hands on his shoulders, stopping him. "Let me."

He relaxed back against the bed, his shoulders tense. He didn't know what she was planning to do, but he closed his eyes and prepared for the worst. He felt her fingers at his temples, two on either side, and she gently dug into his skin with her fingertips and rubbed small circles.

The relief was instant. Blood rushed to his head, like it was trying to fill the void left by the pain. As her fingers worked, she ran her thumbs through his hair, finding some pressure point that left him blissfully aching.

"Oh," he groaned. "Oh my god, that's amazing."

The pain was gone, but he still felt nauseous and unbalanced. That was fine, as long as she kept doing _that_.

"The pain will come back when I stop," she said.

He closed his eyes, feeling the tension leaking out of his muscles. The relief was so sudden and total that it felt like getting high, his head was spinning. As coherent thought seeped back into his brain he realised how intimate a gesture this was, coming from his commander. He cracked open an eye and looked at her to see if she had any clue what she was doing. She looked more bored than anything. Like it was routine to give her soldiers scalp massages. Of course. If she caught on to the way she was acting she might actually end his torture – by taking the next step or cutting it out, he wasn't being picky.

He wondered what she would do if he reached up and took her hand. Inappropriate, yes, but no more inappropriate than what she was doing. It might surprise her into understanding, point out that this was too intimate for commander and lieutenant.

He didn't, though. If she didn't understand then he would put himself in a situation that at best would be awkward and at worst would get him reported. If she did understand then she'd probably stop working whatever black magic had removed the pain from his head. This was a lose-lose situation.

Well, maybe not a complete loss, he thought as he closed his eyes again. It was nice having the commander with him. It was nice having her touch him.

"Are y... Are..." Shepard growled deep in her throat, her hands stopping their movements for a moment. As promised, the pain instantly welled back up behind his eyes, turning blinding in seconds.

_Are you...?_ She always had trouble with that. He didn't try to speak for her, partly because speaking over an officer was a one way ticket to whatever torture they could dream up, partly because the pain had returned and he didn't want to talk at all.

She made a non-specific grumbling noise and returned to massaging him. He sighed as the pain left again. "Will you be alright f-f-for Feros?"

"Yeah, I should be fine in a few hours. Where did you learn to do that?"

She smiled. "The B-boss used to get headaches."

The Boss. The guy who put her to work when she was six. She spoke of him almost affectionately. He hesitated before asking about it. It was too personal, but then she was the one with her hands running through his hair.

"Tell me about him."

"He died when I was twelve. I don't remember much."

"Then, what? You took over his shop?"

"No. I was twelve."

He grinned at her tone of voice. Like he was supposed to assume anything about her childhood. "You really know how to get a guy curious, Shepard. You can't leave it there."

"Sure I can."

Kaidan looked up at her. Was she reprimanding him? Had he assumed too much? A tiny smile tugged at the corner of her mouth and he realised she was teasing him.

_Stop. Think about it,_ he reminded himself. Shepard was a complex woman and it was too easy to make a misstep. She was teasing him, but probably uncomfortable as well. Getting personal details out of the commander was like pulling teeth, she didn't like talking about herself. She sometimes did, when they were working together, but only when he was sharing things about himself.

"Come on, tell me about Moscow and I'll tell you how I got Brain Camp shut down."

That got her attention. "How?"

"You first." Success. She removed her hands from his head. The pain welled again, but a distant ache instead of a jackhammer. He sighed. "Thank you."

She smiled and pointed to her omnitool, walking backwards towards the door. He nodded. She wouldn't talk too much in person, her stuttering wouldn't allow it. He'd become used to most of their communication happening electronically. He suspected that part of the reason she preferred it was that she was shy, and opening up when she couldn't see his face was easier for her.

The last of his headache ebbed away in the quiet room. She really could work magic. He was in no hurry to get back to his duties. He'd made the mistake before of thinking his headache was done and rushing back out into the loud, bright world only to put himself straight back in the infirmary. Plus, this room was the closest thing to privacy on the ship while Dr. Chakwas was on break.

It took a few minutes, but his omnitool lit up, letting him know he had a new message. He left it a few seconds before opening it, trying to convince himself that he wasn't overeager.

_The Boss was killed in a drive-by. The shop was a valuable resource in a bad place, there were a lot of scuffles for control. Mostly random hits to try to convince Boss that he should offer his services to the Spiders, who ran on eighth street. He never did._

_When he was killed one of the Spiders took over, then about six months later he went missing and the shop went back to the Reds. It changed hands a few more times and eventually I was the only one who knew where anything was kept, how to do the accounts. Each new owner kept me on and when I killed the last owner the Reds decided not to put anyone else in, they helped me take the place for myself._

Somehow she managed to tell her story in a way that gave him a thousand more questions. One in particular stood out.

_You killed the last owner?_ He sent the message.

Her reply came a few minutes later.

_Erik was friends with Boss since I was a kid. He thought I'd make better money as a prostitute and he was probably right. About a month after he took over he crawled under my blanket with me, but I had slept with Hello Bear under my pillow since I was eight. I shot him twice in the chest and once in the head._

Kaidan frowned. _How old were you?_

His omnitool flashed. _Fifteen. This was all in my enlistment record._

He was an idiot. He'd figured that out around the first time she smiled at him, but now it was really sinking in. The more she shared, the more he realised he was out of his depth. He'd had girlfriends, he'd had troubled girlfriends, he wasn't unfamiliar with women's needs, but he found himself drawing a complete blank on Ivy Shepard. What did he say to that? What did she want to hear?

Ivy was a woman of facts and figures. She wasn't emotional. She wouldn't want condolences over an attempted rape, or being forced to kill a man when she was fifteen. Head rubs were one thing but he knew without a doubt that the words 'I'm sorry' were too personal for her. But there was something there, something she cared about, something she wanted to share with him.

It clicked.

_I can see why you hang onto Hello Bear._

That damn gun that she fondled like a lover, kissed and whispered to and cleaned twice a day, that was what she cared about. It had saved her, it had been the constant in her life. Suddenly he remembered her offering the gun to him, letting him touch her totem. He could feel his blood pressure rising at the thought. She cared?

_Calm down, Kaidan,_ her message said. _You promised to tell me about BAaT._

Calm down? How had she known he was anything but calm? He looked around, half-expecting her to be peering out of one of the air vents. Nothing. He glanced suspiciously at his omnitool. She was sneaky, too sneaky for him.

_Hold on, you didn't tell me how you learned English._

He could almost hear her eye-roll from across the ship, but she answered.

_I needed to learn how to read and write. There was an ex-Alliance chaplain that used to make visits with the Red Crystal. No one liked his preaching but he brought food and fuel, sometimes some clothing, so we left him alone. He was the only one who would teach me, but he only spoke English. So I learned. Now, BAaT._

Oh, come on. She couldn't leave it there. Why did she need to learn reading and writing? Who was the chaplain? How old was she? Who learned an entirely different language instead of finding a native speaker to teach them literacy?

He figured that he wasn't going to get much more out of her, so he jotted down an abbreviated version of his time with Vyrnnus. He didn't like talking about it, but it was only fair, she'd told him about The Boss and Hello Bear.

He sent the message and she wrote back, wheedling details out of him. It was strange to talk in too much detail with someone who worked almost entirely in numbers and statistics. He hadn't mentioned Rahna in his first draft, but she wanted to know what had started the fight, she didn't believe that an instructor would pull a knife without provocation, or that he'd kill a man without some additional factor. She was right, but he was still a little offended. He was a marine, he could start a pointless knife fight with the best of them.

But he told her about Rahna, about how sweet and smart and beautiful she was. How she wasn't tough enough for that kind of training and didn't deserve anyone like Vyrnnus in her life.

_You defended her?_ Shepard asked.

Of course, for a woman like Shepard taking a hit for someone else was about the same as proposing marriage.

_That's what I do for people I care about._ He thought a moment before adding, _A lot of people would do that for someone they care about._

He didn't add that he'd killed a few dozen geth and husks by this point trying to defend her. She wouldn't understand that. They were marines, that was what they did, she wasn't the type to read more into it than that.

_She was special to you._

Yeah, she was special. She'd always been special, and after Vyrnnus she'd been afraid of him. That was half the reason he'd joined the Alliance. Marines saw his skills at killing as an asset, no one was afraid of him here. More than once he'd used more powerful biotic attacks to the cheers of his unit, they thought it was great. Shepard greeted it with so little fanfare that he sometimes wondered if she noticed the rest of her crew _weren't_ biotics.

They kept messaging, and she was really interested in him, needling him for details, citing old incident reports, asking him technical questions about his implants. He wished she could speak. If they could have this conversation face to face he felt like he could have talked all night, could have worked his way around to some real insight about her. Some of her messages sounded like they were sent with a smile and he would have liked to see that.

There were so many questions he wanted to ask, but she kept the conversation on him.

How did she get into the Alliance? Why did they overlook her speech impediment? Was her rap sheet as long as he suspected and why would they have overlooked that? Why had Nihlus been so interested in the high explosive rounds and why had she been so unwilling to talk about it?

More than all that he wanted to ask if they'd talk like this again, if he'd get the chance to ask her any of it. The mission was heating up every day, and if they survived it he didn't know where that left them. He was sure at any second Ivy was going to notice how serious their mission was, and after that there would be no more long conversations, no more headache cures or dark nights underneath the MAKO.

The door to the infirmary slid open and Kaidan jumped guiltily, as if he'd been doing something wrong.

"Ah, lieutenant," Dr. Chakwas said. "Feeling better?"

"Yes, doctor."

"Those pain meds seem to have done the trick. Be careful or you'll run us out of them."

Actually, the commander did the trick, he wanted to say. And it was a hell of a trick. "Yeah. I should get back to duty. Thanks for the help."

"Any time, lieutenant."

He stood up too quickly and left the room as if he'd done something wrong. He didn't get the chance to ask Shepard anything.


	15. Get In, Losers

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 14**

**Get In, Losers**

* * *

_Two_

* * *

The flow of data on the Normandy was the most integral element in her command.

Lazarus was familiar with intelligence gathering and surveillance, that was inbuilt. Cerberus was – based on the information she had gathered – an organisation largely devoted to those pursuits. They had information, and information was power. In the immediate future their goals aligned, but their alliance was ultimately temporary. An ongoing objective in her daily routine had to be limiting the amount of data she gave to their bugs, taps, and sensors. She couldn't allow them to have power over her when she decided to pursue alternative goals.

"Where is Dr. Solus?" she asked.

"Mordin Solus is currently in the lab."

EDI. The problem with privacy was EDI.

An AI was a flawless tool for data collection and analysis. Anything she did, anything she said, was catalogued, stored, reported in realtime. EDI could see everything, she could hear everything and she could spot any anomalies, compute them, note seemingly innocent behaviours as breaking an established pattern.

Through EDI Cerberus would know the instant she decided to disobey. The dilation of her pupils, the increased heart rate. A new contact on her messages, the diversion of funds to an unexpected source, an extra minute in the shower to contemplate. All fed through a quantum computer straight to the Illusive Man.

"Log me out," she said.

"Logging you out, Lazarus."

The only method she had available to counter the constant surveillance was to overload it. Daily she visited each area of the ship, if she took further excursions for any reason it wouldn't be noted as deviant from her routine.

She left the galaxy map and made for the lab.

Solus, Mordin. Salarian. Former STG. A good addition to her crew. He was working; always testing and processing, like EDI.

"Lazarus. How can I help?" he asked.

"Run tests on me," she said.

"Happy to. Looking forward to examining Cerberus' work. Tissue reanimation difficult. Obviously not desired results. What would you like tested?"

"My limbic system. Operative Lawson is doing ongoing work, please attempt to provide additional information."

"Will need to test hormone levels, blood sugar, follow with psychiatric tests, may be pharmaceutical modifications..." he trailed off, continuing to mutter under his breath. It wasn't important. The Cerberus continued to give her injections of a mentally stimulating drug cocktail each day, but her recovery was not progressing and she didn't expect Mordin Solus to have the solution.

What she wanted was the first thing he offered. To take her blood.

The needle pierced her skin and she had what she needed. Unscheduled, ship-board pain. Release of endorphins, adrenaline, slightly elevated heartrate. More data for EDI, changes to her routine. If she could push the outliers in her behaviour further up the scale she might buy herself some leeway.

"Saw you opened the krogan tank. True that he is immune to the genophage?" Mordin said as he removed the needle from her vein.

"I don't know."

"Hmm. Would like to run tests. If true, dangerous."

"He's hostile."

Mordin put the vial of blood into some kind of machine the size of a toaster. "Won't get killed. Used to working with krogan. Could provide more data on genetic engineering. Unusual to see krogan scientist capable of full synthesis, distillation of genes, similar to cloning used in your muscles, organs."

Lazarus sat on his desk, watching him program his machine. Mordin was useful for more than unnecessary medical procedures. "He's similar to this platform?"

"Possible. Soft tissue is tank grown, his, yours. Upgrades to natural immune system, muscle tissue, bone tissue. Both have synthetic memory. Probably similar confusion."

"My lack of memory."

The machine beeped, a blue light flashing, and started to whir. The salarian picked out a small device from a tray on his workbench and approached her. She held still while he shone a light in her eyes.

"Memory loss not uncommon with trauma. Presence of synthetic memory makes it difficult to retrieve lost memories. No, activating emotional response, stabilising new memory formation best case scenario. Lacking context for new memories, for emotional response."

The krogan had said as much to her. He likened it to showing a child pictures in a book, telling them to remember without giving meaning. She understood. She had been ordered to save humanity, having only met eleven humans personally. She knew that there were eleven billion on the human homeworld alone but without memories all she knew were those eleven people. She had been ordered to kill Collectors, but they had never taken hostile action against her.

Her first memory, the only thing that Cerberus had not touched, was a vision of the Reaper fleet invading prothean civilisation. That was the day she was born. The worries of a galaxy 50,000 years into the future were so many dead data points, irrelevant to her thesis and unnoticed in her analysis.

EDI's platform activated, the orb that represented her glowing in response. "If you require additional information for contextual purposes, I am programmed to provide anything you request."

EDI was always watching. She pressed down on the needle wound, sending a fresh stab of pain through her arm.

"Tell me about Ilos."

"Ilos is the second planet in the Refuge System, Pangaea Expanse. It is a post-garden world, average surface temperature is 38 degrees, day length is 54.5 Earth hours. Ilos was destroyed by means unknown, its surface coated with a substance often compared to rust. The last notable event on Ilos was Commander Ivana Shepard's confrontation with Saren Arterius."

Lazarus looked to Mordin. "Your information?"

"Ilos, unknown planet, Terminus Systems. Sometimes universities try to plan expeditions, never get very far, distant, dangerous. Heard of working prothean VI on surface. Would like to study. Having context problems?"

If she answered the query it would be more data. More that EDI could use. Not answering the question would be an answer in itself.

"Ilos is the sanctuary. All survivors outside Reaper controlled systems must go to Ilos."

"Hmm. Possible Reaper presence in the galaxy. Information provided to you compromised. Difficulty separating prothean memory from human."

"I can provide current images of Ilos," EDI said. "The archives displayed in the Eden Prime beacon have been in disrepair for 50,000 years."

Mordin shook his head, pressing a finger against his chin. "Not helpful. If information is compromised, all information is compromised. Images could be doctored, reports forged. Channels of communication haven't been proven trustworthy. Yes, can see the problem."

Yes. Lazarus also saw the problem. Her internal sense of time was dated millennia ago. Every source of information she had available pointed to her only memories being inaccurate. But every source of information was unfamiliar, with goals that didn't affect her, for people she didn't know, from leaders she didn't trust. Her memory was decried as fallible by people she knew to have ulterior motives. She believed them, but that didn't change the fact that she had no reliable motive for any action she took.

Okeer would have anticipated the problem in his tank-bred, designed memories to be a baseline which could be given context. Also, the krogan had no brain damage, his limbic system would integrate his knowledge with experience. He had the advantage.

"Operative Lawson expects her treatment to take effect in three to six months, if any progress is achieved," EDI said. "Human brain damage is often irreparable."

"So is death," said Lazarus.

Mordin checked his machine, pressing a few buttons and mumbling to himself. "Attempts at reanimation dangerous, Project Lazarus the clear outlier, most success ever recorded. Shepard's body now mobile, further treatment could damage standing results. Higher risk, lower gain. Cerberus unlikely to attempt unconventional therapy. Damage is permanent."

Lazarus agreed with his assessment. To risk further alterations to her body or programming was inadvisable when there were no other anti-Reaper operations currently active. But with her judgement compromised by emotional issues or lack thereof she had to consider herself operating at sub-optimal performance. Wasting the resource of the foremost authority on Reaper tactics would also be inadvisable.

"Suggest alternative therapies," she commanded both of them.

"Unsanctioned medical treatments for Project Lazarus are strictly forbidden by the Cerberus Branch of Experimental Medicine guidelines," said EDI. "I have sent a copy of these guidelines to your terminal."

This served dual purposes, then. It was possible that they would make progress and restore function to her temporal lobe, but even if they didn't, the action was deliberately rebellious while staying within Cerberus' outlined mission protocols. It would push her outlying unsanctioned behaviours into an area of statistical normalcy.

"Override the protocol, raise the baseline for minimum functionality of this platform."

"The highest rate of success in repairing human brain injury is nanosurgery," EDI said. "Rerouting the neural pathways through surgical means has a 12% success rate, and a 42% mortality rate. In 8% of cases further damage is done without killing the patient."

"Dr. Solus?"

"Electroconvulsive therapy can boost neurotransmission. Clear pathways, so to speak. Used in depression, can induce euphoria, foreign sensation, may provide jumpstart for temporal lobe function. Pharmaceuticals also beneficial. Realign serotonin uptake, force emotions, assume Operative Lawson has already attempted."

Mordin Solus was an invaluable asset. He spoke her language. She interacted with all her crew regularly to maintain the regularity of her shipboard presence, but they just seemed to speak gibberish. EDI also spoke a lot of sense, it was unfortunate that she was programmed to be loyal to Cerberus.

"Arrange the ECT," she ordered.

"Can make modifications to equipment today, should be able to commence therapy tomorrow. Start with ten sessions, work our way up. Will need to insulate internal circuitry, prevent malfunction of eyes, neural implants. Hmm, need to – " He was cut off by a beep from the machine that was testing her blood. A small display lit up, salarian lettering which she couldn't read. Mordin scrolled down the touchpad. "Hmm."

"What?"

"Interesting hormone levels. Lack of neural stimulation. Not unexpected. ECT still advisable, no other treatments available for physical neurotransmission stimulation, unless... hmm."

"What?" Lazarus repeated.

He opened one of the cabinets above his bench, filled with vials marked in a script she didn't understand. She would have to learn to read salarian. "Pet project, many years in development. Was asked by STG to create intelligence enhancement treatment. Interesting work, no stable results, some success in trials. May have alternative application."

"A pharmaceutical neural stimulator?"

EDI interjected, "Dr. Solus, the materials in my database suggest that this is not endorsed by the Citadel Medical Association. This qualifies as unsanctioned medical treatment. I will be required to contact Operative Lawson concerning this discussion."

"Does it work?" asked Lazarus.

"To enhance intelligence, no. 92% of test subjects reported emotional instability, outbursts, neuroses."

"It stimulates the limbic system. Your recommendation?"

"Undesirable side effects not likely in your case. High emotional response is the objective. Perfectly safe. Would recommend a small dose, work through side effects as they come, consider larger doses in future."

"Do it."

Mordin set aside one of the vials and unpacked a sterile syringe. "Still have cerebral shunt in place? Good. Remove mask, hold hair up, bend head forward."

Lazarus did as she was asked, setting her mask on the desk, bending her head to expose the back of her neck and piling her hair on top of her head with both hands. This medicine could prove useful in multiple ways. The physical stimulation of drawing blood was nothing compared to an intracranial injection.

She felt the sting of the needle, painful enough to make her eyes water, it was burning hot and the pressure at the base of her skull was disproportionate, as if the needle was three times its size. A strange, stinging warmth bled down her neck as Mordin injected her. When he removed the needle she let out a breath she hadn't realised she was holding. Vertigo set in almost immediately.

Lazarus let her hair fall and gripped the edge of the desk tightly, letting her tachycardic response fade. The pain receded and she relaxed.

"When should I expect results?"

"Immediately. Intracranial injection delivers drug to affected areas in seconds. Good method of delivery, should be used more widely. Arm less likely to be damaged, used by..."

Lazarus blinked as Mordin's voice became unintelligible. She couldn't understand what he was saying. Her heart started pounding in her chest, blood rushed in her ears. She stumbled, barely holding her grip on the table as vertigo resumed. Her vision tunnelled, her head throbbed, she could see the circuitry in her eyes.

Mordin placed his hands on her shoulders, but she still couldn't understand him. Her heart felt like it was in arrest, seizing in her chest. Her skin tingled, a strange sensation that made it feel like it was too small for her body.

"Oh, for the love of...!" The Cerberus stood in the doorway, looking at her. Lazarus could understand her. Some dim part of her brain registered that she had a translator malfunction, which was why she couldn't understand Mordin.

"Operative Lawson has denied approval for this procedure," EDI said.

Mordin was saying something, trying to hold her upright despite his body being physically incapable of supporting her.

"Dr. Solus, we appreciate your expertise, but you were not contracted to treat Lazarus," said Miranda.

Lazarus finally found the floor. Her joints felt so weak. But it was fading, the pounding in her head becoming dull, the weakness joining the tingling in her skin. Mordin's voice was cutting in and out, debating the merit of his solution with a frustrated Cerberus.

The Cerberus was frustrated.

The light piercing through her eyes, illuminating the mechanisms, dimmed. But it was like seeing light for the first time. The Cerberus was frustrated. Lazarus could see it without any objective analysis. Instinctively she knew the emotion being displayed.

"It worked," she said. Her chest felt strange, like something was swelling inside it. An emotion of some sort, she guessed.

"What?" the Cerberus asked.

"It worked."

"Excellent," Mordin said, and she understood him. "Will run tests, determine extent of function returned. Initial effects are pronounced, will stabilise soon."

This was what she had intended. A new perspective, the ability to make judgements without data analysis. To break away from her need to be at Ilos and accept the cause to which she had been assigned.

But that was a flawed principle. She could see it now. Adding emotions to the situation didn't allow her to forget Ilos, they didn't allow her to bond with organic species. Those were mutually inclusive options. She had to do one before she could do the other.

So she either had to form some connection with her organic counterparts or obtain incontrovertible evidence that the safety at Ilos was non-existent. Trying to do both at once left her with no motivation to do either.

There were eleven billion humans, one trillion sentient organic lifeforms in the galaxy. She had read about emotional bonding, it came from shared experience. She had been intelligently designed, similar to the krogan. She had been an experimental subject for Cerberus, similar to the human, Subject Zero. She had a history in infiltration, similar to the human Goto, Kasumi.

Even in her short time of consciousness she had an over-abundance of experience shared by her crew and the people beyond it. The response and execution of her everyday actions could be a gateway to understanding these people and knowing why she should save them.

No, that would never do.

"EDI, send a message to Flight Lieutenant Moreau. Tell him to set course for Ilos."


	16. Testing Weapons and Shields

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 15**

**Testing Weapons and Shields**

* * *

_One_

* * *

"T-t-t-t-twenty-four colonists saved," Shepard said. "Not bad for a day's work."

Kaidan didn't like to eavesdrop, but it was hard to ignore the women in the cargo bay while he worked. A month ago Shepard's conversation was perfunctory if she engaged in it at all. Checking to make sure everyone was still alive. Now she and Ash had bonded over their love of huge explosions and obscure poetry. It was nice to see her coming out of her shell. She was even smiling, not nervous anymore that all of the ground team were in the same room.

"Hope I never have to meet a thorian again. That poor asari," said Ash.

He was with her on that. The only reason he was down in the cargo bay instead of up at his usual post was that he was still cleaning thorian out of his assault rifle. Garrus had made a few 'weapon maintenance' jokes at his expense, Tali had tried to talk him into half a dozen upgrades, it was nice, the crew had really come together over the last few months.

The cargo bay was busy, Ash and Ivy talking, Garrus working on the MAKO, Wrex inspecting his new shotgun on an adjacent workbench, Tali and Engineer Adams having a heated debate that he couldn't quite make out at the far end of the hold.

"The asari mentioned indoctrination. Like Benezia."

Ash shrugged. "Sounds like an excuse to me."

"Maybe."

"You think it's real, ma'am?"

"Something... turned Saren."

"And you don't think it was the Reapers' motivational speaking."

"Mm."

Ash twisted a wrench between her fingers, leaning back idly against the workbench. "So, what? Anyone could be an enemy?"

"Anyone c-could be an ally."

"If we could get through to them. And if you want Saren and an army of geth on our side."

Kaidan tried to focus on cleaning. He knew how Shepard speculated, and it was never idle. Her guesses involved graphs, census data, and calculus. Ash was dangerously close to being asked to write a thesis to support her position.

"Why wouldn't we?" Shepard asked, and he just couldn't tune her out. He had to know how these two talked when it wasn't about Wordsworth.

"Because they keep trying to kill us?"

"They wouldn't... if they were on our side." He could almost hear her add, _that's what being on our side means._

"Are you actually planning to try that, ma'am?" Ash asked anxiously.

"It's plan C."

"Then I really hope plans A or B work."

"Mm."

Ash fiddled with the wrench in her hands. "Alright, if plan C happens and we get Saren on our side, what about the geth? Can they even be indoctrinated, do you think that's why they're following Saren?"

Shepard shrugged. "Maybe. They're historically n... nonviolent."

Kaidan wished he had just kept his nose in his own business. He'd been so wrapped up in trying to clean and observe at the same time that he hadn't noticed Tali finish her talk with Adams and drift their way.

"Nonviolent?" the quarian asked, taking a few steps away from the lockers to talk to Shepard. "The geth have been a threat for hundreds of years."

Oh, boy.

"The geth have never started a conflict."

She didn't mean it like it was coming out, he knew that. She wasn't trying to pick a fight with Tali. He felt like he should speak up, say something on her behalf, but he crushed that feeling. It was too easy to get protective of Shepard. She was an N7 marine, not a little girl. She could handle her crew.

"They massacred my people," Tali growled.

"They fought your p-p-people. In self d-d-d..."

"The geth aren't the ones who have been living off ships for three hundred years, forced to live their lives in exosuits. The geth weren't forced to flee their homeworld."

Kaidan stilled his hands. Tali had just interrupted the commander. It was an unspoken rule on the _Normandy_ that no matter how badly Shepard struggled, no one said a word until she had finished.

_Oh, please, don't say it,_ he thought, imagining the dozens of lacerating possible responses to Tali's comment.

She didn't.

"Excuse me, Chief, Tali."

He chanced a look upwards. Ivy's expression had shut down. That fleeting smile was gone, she was the unreadable Commander Shepard again. She made her way to the dev workshop, not looking backwards before the door closed behind her. He wanted to go after her.

_Get a grip, Alenko,_ he told himself. _She doesn't want you to solve her problems for her._

He kept cleaning his gun, methodically, debating the merits of going to see her. As a subordinate, as a friend, however she wanted to see it. As a partner in their mod project for which she was currently doing all the intellectual heavy lifting. As someone who had just seen her regress two months in a matter of seconds.

He was being ridiculous, if Shepard was nothing else she was tough. She wouldn't let this get her down.

He fitted his gun back together, deliberately taking his time. If she was working on the SP/AP mods he should be in there. The mining netting was hard work, they were working constantly on tedious trial and error, he should at least keep her company even if the software looked like gibberish to him.

With his assault rifle back to regulation he put his things back in his locker and followed Shepard into the dev workshop.

She was on the computer at the workbench, didn't look up when he entered.

"Lieutenant."

Oh, yeah, she was upset. He took up his place beside her.

"Ma'am."

"It's 'ma'am', now?"

"It's 'lieutenant', now?" he shot back, earning himself half a smile, which quickly fell from her face. "How's it coming?"

"I think I have the f-f-f-frequency."

"You having all the fun without me, Shepard?"

"I was about to call you."

Kaidan bit his lip as he watched her work. He'd only known her for a few months, but if he knew her at all, that was a lie. She hadn't called him for the test, she wouldn't ask him to adjust the dummy shields, and he was definitely not touching Hello Bear. She would probably do her best to pretend he wasn't in the room.

He could list all these things, but he hadn't figured out how to break that ice just yet. She didn't want to talk, didn't want to be touched or helped or given support. She talked about strength in camaraderie, but never applied it to herself.

She inserted the adjusted chip into Hello Bear and set it down on the workbench, then moved to the dummy.

She bent over to adjust the shields and Kaidan found something interesting on the ceiling to look at. She was still doing that. No mood could stop her doing that. He wasn't the only one noticing it, either. Only a few days ago he had to banish three lower crewmen to inventory duty for spectating on her flexibility exercises. She still had no idea why he'd punished them and he wasn't about to be the one to explain it to her.

Kaidan scrubbed a hand over his face. He liked Shepard. He really liked Shepard, but some days he had to wonder if it was just masochism. Moments like this where she was innocently stirring him up while at the same time intentionally putting him in the deep freeze.

"Do you want me to leave?" he asked.

Shepard looked up from the dummy, staring at him. After a moment she sighed, some of the tension leaving her shoulders. "No. I'm sorry, Kaidan."

He couldn't stay mad at her. "It's okay. Let's just get this done."

He moved back to let her take up her place at the firing line. She squared her shoulders and he had to think she was imagining Tali's face on the dummy at that moment.

The instant Shepard fired the shot she lost her grip on Hello Bear, the kickback sending the pistol flying out of her hands and cracking her in the collarbone. Kaidan jerked forward at the unexpected clatter, reaching for her. He stilled his hands just inches from her shoulders as she doubled over, pressing a hand to the red mark on her shoulder.

Kaidan knew how much he appreciated sudden injuries when he was already in a mood, so he was surprised when she let out a bark of laughter. She straightened, favouring one side, and looked indignantly at Hello Bear, bubbles of laughter breaking through her lips. Her face had turned scarlet and she gingerly dabbed at the blossoming bruise, but didn't stop laughing.

"Betrayal!" she declared breathlessly. He felt the grin spread across his face and then he was laughing, too.

"Comes when you least expect it."

He couldn't stop laughing, and neither could she. It felt good. It felt like something he would have done on his last posting, or the one before that, before the weight of the world rested on them.

After a few minutes they managed to stifle the laughter, both red-faced and breathless. Kaidan's ribs ached, but it was a good ache.

Shepard retrieved Hello Bear from the floor and examined the chip. "Quite a k-k-kick."

She had completely missed the dummy. The shot had hit the wall near the corner, the unactivated pulse leaving a black spiderweb burned into the bulkhead.

"Can you dial it down a notch?"

"Need to see if it works, first. Here, brace me."

It took Kaidan half a second to realise what she meant, but as soon as he did the last residue of laughter died in his throat, turning cold.

Oh, no.

She was looking at him with those doe eyes, expecting him to wrap himself around her in an entirely professional and platonic way.

_Please, don't make me do this._

"Commander..."

"What?"

"I... I..."

_Please, let her figure it out._

He couldn't do this. He just couldn't. Maybe if she was just his commanding officer. Maybe if she didn't feature prominently in a wide range of his fantasies. Maybe if he hadn't imagined holding her like that so many times that it could drive him crazy. But she couldn't really expect him to plaster himself to her back, take her hands in his and act like a subordinate officer.

She watched him stammer and blush, and he could see the exact moment when she figured it out. Her eyes widened slightly and she looked mortified. "That's... completely inappropriate."

"Yes," he sighed, relieved. Off the hook.

"I'm sorry. I... I'll... I could brace you!" She considered that for a moment, then frowned, probably when she realised that she was a foot shorter than him and her armspan would barely circle his shoulders. "I guess we'll just m-m-move on to the n-n-next idea."

She wouldn't look at him. She took Hello Bear to the workbench and started fussing aimlessly, taking out the mod chip, putting it back in, turning the pistol over in her hands. It didn't take a genius to see that now was the time when she wanted him to leave.

He felt like a jackass, suddenly ashamed of himself. He was acting like a teenager. It wasn't Ivy's fault that she could turn his stomach to jelly with the right smile or touch. She wasn't really torturing him, he was doing that just fine by himself. She just wore infiltration gear, did her daily exercise, had to reach for low down objects, offered him a migraine cure. He was the one turning that into something it wasn't, looking at her in a way that he should never look at his commanding officer. Now he was forcing her to scrap all the work they'd done because he couldn't keep himself in line.

"Wait, Shepard. Let's do this."

She looked up. "It's alright."

"No, I mean it. I know you're my CO, but we're friends, right? I promise I won't report you for harassment."

She smirked at him and reloaded Hello Bear with the chip. "You're sure?"

"Yeah, can't wait."

He would hold the wrists of any other soldier for R&D purposes. It wouldn't be weird. He was the one making this weird. She was asking him to brace her against kickback, not spoon her.

She took up her place and suddenly all of his reservations returned. His palms were sweating, he was intensely aware of her as he stepped up behind her. He reached out to take her wrists, but even though she was so much smaller than him he just didn't have the reach, he was going to have to bite the bullet.

He closed the last few inches, bringing her flush against his chest, and took hold of her tiny wrists. He closed his eyes. She was warm and so small against his chest, he could feel the play of her muscles as she took aim. The skin of her arms was soft, the length of them pressed against his, brushing the sensitive skin of his inner elbows and forearms, he could feel the smooth ridges where she was scarred and the tender white skin where she wasn't. Her hair smelled so good, and he was close enough that he almost had his nose buried in it.

R&D, he reminded himself. He didn't have to make this weird. Her omnitool flashed, signalling an incoming message, and he prayed that she didn't decide to check it immediately and make him do this all over again.

He could do this. It would only be a few seconds. She felt so good.

He felt, more than saw, the gun go off. A powerful kick that pushed her further against him, jerked her back so that his hands were covering hers.

_R &D_. _Not weird._

Ivy let out a short gasp.

Kaidan looked up and was momentarily jerked out of his trance. There was a smoking hole, easily a foot in diameter, through the chest of the dummy. It had gone through the armour, through the dummy and punched a dent in the bulkhead.

"So... this one works," he said slowly.

"Maybe for mounted guns," she said, then turned in his arms just enough to look up at him. "Unless you th-th-think we can pull off this power-combo on the field."

He chuckled. "Maybe not."

She smiled, genuinely, any arguments or embarrassments forgotten.

He realised belatedly that he should be helping her find her feet, and she should have been stepping away, at this point he was more cradling her than bracing her. But somehow neither of them was moving. She was still pushed back in his arms, leaning on him. It took everything in him not to wrap his arms around her waist and hold her properly.

She was looking into his eyes and no matter how much he knew that he had to break out of this before he kissed her, he couldn't seem to move.

After an interminable moment Ivy frowned curiously and pulled away from him. She let out a sharp breath, which he echoed, feeling cold without her.

He'd made it. Sure, it was a little strange at the end there, but he'd made it through without ruining his career. And apparently had a hand in the next generation of anti-aircraft ammunition.

"I can... I'll work on the paperwork for this, we'll need a name," she was talking strangely, like she wasn't sure what she was saying. She was still frowning as she removed the chip from Hello Bear. She was fussing again. She looked at him, then the gun, then back to him, like she was trying to put something into words. "We're friends."

It sounded more like a question than a statement and Kaidan felt his stomach drop. He'd given himself away. He'd made it weird. He tried to keep calm. "Yeah, we're friends."

"No harassment reports."

"Are you planning to seduce me?" he joked nervously. It would make his life three times simpler if that were the case, but she was looking at him like a test subject, not a seduction target.

"I want to try something."

"Um, yeah, sure, okay." He determinedly held his ground as she stepped up to him, getting in his personal space.

Then she did something he hadn't been expecting. She hugged him.

It was completely different to their previous position. She wasn't relaxed in firing stance, now. She was stiff, all elbows, her arms wrapped awkwardly around his ribcage. He was so surprised that he almost forgot to respond.

Had he ever thought that _he_ was the one making things weird when he had Ivy around?

He wrapped his arms around her in the most platonic way possible. It wasn't hard to keep this professional. She had nearly melted against him when he was bracing her, but she didn't seem to know how to do this, unsure where to put her hands, her eyes levelled directly at his chin. It was like hugging the targeting dummy. At least her hair still smelled nice.

She let out a shaky breath against his neck.

"Am I doing this right?" she asked.

The question hit him like a punch to the gut.

_Oh, god._

No, that wasn't possible. But it was. He knew it, he could see it now.

He wrapped one arm around her shoulders tighter, used his other hand to run through her hair, bringing her close against his chest, her face cradled in his neck. He didn't know if he should be horrified or angry, but whatever he felt he wasn't going to let her see it.

"Yeah, Ivy," he said into her hair, fighting through a tightening throat. "You're... you're doing it right."

She relaxed against his chest and he held her closer. They were friends. He could do this for her. He found himself rocking gently, out of habit. The kind of friendly, adoring hug a person gave their nieces and nephews. The way a person held a friend who desperately needed a hug.

Somehow this was worse than a pistol pointed at a little girl, worse than fending off a sleaze bag in the middle of the night, worse than relying on the red cross for heat in the winter. He couldn't fix any of that, couldn't even begin to fix the damage that had been done, but this he could do.

After a few minutes she pulled back, looking sleepy and satisfied. She gave him a grateful smile as his hands slipped from her shoulders.

"Thank you."

"Anytime," he said, and he meant it.

Shepard collected Hello Bear from the workbench, walking with a relaxed saunter. She made for the door, talking as she went. "I'll get the paperwork started for this. Any preference for the name?"

"Ladies choice."

"I'll think up something. We'll try again on the SP/AP after Virmire." She paused at the door. "And, Kaidan...?"

"It never happened."

"Thank you."

The door closed behind her and he let himself slump against the workbench.

Oh, god.


	17. The Citadel

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 16**

**The Citadel**

* * *

_Two_

* * *

"What about that girl you were telling me about, how did that go?"

Kaidan smiled at the monitor in front of him. He'd known that question was coming.

"That didn't really work out, father," he said.

Father Levi Mills was pushing eighty, his white hair kept in a buzz cut, his mouth set in a permanent hard line across his face. One of his eyelids had drooped with age, giving him a look of always being suspicious. It suited him.

"Why's that? What was wrong with her?"

"Is this the part where I'm supposed to say that she wasn't Shepard, then cry?" Kaidan teased.

"It would liven up my afternoon."

"Sorry to disappoint you, father. She was nice, but not really my type."

Father Mills raised an eyebrow, silently judging him in a way that Kaidan had come to see as affectionate. "Alright, have your secrets. What's all this I hear about colonies disappearing? Know anything about it?"

"I'd tell you if I did, but they've still got me penned up at the Citadel."

"Looks like this promotion is really working out for you."

"Yes, sir. Getting to visit exotic Citadel offices, see paperwork I've never seen before. Ah, I can't complain, I've got a meeting with Councillor Anderson in just a few minutes, I'll probably get reassigned."

"Well, try not to get killed."

Kaidan laughed. "I'll do my best. I'd better get going, don't want to keep the councillor waiting."

"Alenko," Father Mills stopped him from going anywhere with that tone of voice he had probably used to pull gangsters into line with ten years ago.

"Yes, father?"

He narrowed his eyes. "Was it because she wasn't Ivy?"

He sighed. He wanted to tell Levi that he didn't need to be so careful, that they'd both finished mourning, didn't need to check each other for relapses anymore. But he had to answer honestly. "Yeah. But I'm not going to cry."

"Well, at least you're honest. Remember to call your mother."

"Yes, sir."

Father Mills closed the line and Kaidan sighed. They didn't talk as often as he would have liked, even now that he was off frigate duty, paper pushing at the Citadel took up most of his time.

It had taken him months to track down Father Mills, too late for Ivy's funeral, or any of the memorial services. It was probably for the best. Shepard hated publicity, she wouldn't have wanted the ex-Alliance chaplain dragged into it. She wouldn't have wanted any of it, the best infiltrator in the Alliance put on display for all the world to see. Even post-mortem she would have considered it inappropriate.

He'd understood, he'd been the closest thing Ivy had to family, Kaidan had needed to find him. There was no one else who knew. It had been a relief to tell someone that he had loved Ivy, that they had been together, that she was happy for those last few months, and see something other than pity. Levi had cried with relief that she hadn't been alone at the end. They'd talked through the bad months, then the bad days, then some of the good days and eventually just whenever they felt like it. He was a good man.

It felt like a lifetime ago that they had needed each other for more than news and reminders to call his mother.

Councillor Anderson had sent him a message the night before, calling him to a personal briefing at the embassy. He hadn't been to the embassy since receiving his last medal, a commendation for his work against Saren. The classification on the message had been higher than he would have expected. It looked like only himself, the council, the admirals and Spectres could access whatever information Anderson wanted to share.

He didn't drag his feet, the human barracks weren't far from the presidium. He'd been pulled off frigate duty just over a month before, which was strange, and stranger that they'd keep him stationed at the Citadel; soldiers awaiting reassignment were usually kept at Arcturus. At least he'd had some downtime. Even he'd admit that since Ivy's death he'd been a little too committed to his job.

So, Citadel it was. Paperwork, barracks, ill-fated blind date and all. A good break, but he was glad that Anderson wanted to get him back into the fray. This kind of secrecy could only mean Reapers, and that was a relief. The council hadn't been openly supporting any Reaper preparations, but maybe they were just keeping it under wraps to prevent panic.

He took the stairs to the councillor's officer. Anderson's assistant let him straight in.

As soon as he saw entered the office Kaidan knew that something was wrong. Anderson was a hard man, strong and resolute, he never looked exactly friendly, but the look on his face was darker than ever and he had bags under his eyes, like he'd stayed up all night.

Kaidan saluted. "You wanted to see me, sir."

"Sit down, Commander." Anderson's attention was focussed on his terminal. Kaidan did as instructed, but the councillor didn't look at him, watching his screen for several minutes before turning to him. "You were there when Commander Shepard died, weren't you, Alenko?"

"I..." The question took him by surprise. It had been a long time since command had asked any questions about her. "No, sir. I was evacuating crewmen on the lower deck."

This was all in his file. The entire crew of the _Normandy_ had undergone extended debriefings and psych evals after the ship was shot down.

"And there is nothing you would add to the reports you submitted to command over the incident? No suspicious behaviour from anyone on the crew?"

"No, sir." He didn't ask any questions, but his mind was racing. What was Anderson looking for? Why was the crash being re-evaluated? Why now?

"Before the attack did Commander Shepard indicate to you in any way that she wasn't expecting to stay on the _Normandy_? Did she say goodbye, Commander?"

_What?_ What was Anderson asking him? Kaidan felt a pit of anxiety forming in his gut. Something was horribly wrong. "Commander Shepard didn't say anything out of the ordinary to me, sir. The attack was a surprise."

Of course Shepard hadn't said goodbye. She'd said 'Go. Now.' Even if they'd had some warning, she wouldn't have said anything. She never kissed him goodbye, told him to take care of himself, reassured him that they'd survive. That wasn't Shepard. Shepard said: 'Go. Now.'

"If Shepard was in trouble, who would she contact?"

"What kind of trouble do you mean?"

"I mean trouble with the law, Alenko."

"Sir, I don't understand."

Anderson stared hard at him, then brought up a vid screen from his terminal. It was security footage, somewhere he didn't recognise. "This was captured at Omega five weeks ago."

Onscreen a transport flew into a docking bay and people started piling out. First a tall, beautiful woman in a catsuit, her long hair dishevelled. She extended a hand and helped a half-naked turian onto the street. Kaidan raised an eyebrow. "Garrus."

"He fell off the grid more than a year ago, turns out he's gone vigilante. The woman with him is Miranda Lawson, a known Cerberus operative. She's suspected of unleashing a haemorrhagic fever that killed two hundred turians." Another man stepped out of the transport, the same colours as Lawson. "That's Jacob Taylor, a former Alliance corsair. Also Cerberus, now."

And then... The fourth person, the last person. A woman in full kestrel armour, although she carried her breastplate dangling from one hand. He knew her. He couldn't see anything more than her mouth and the tip of her nose, and the image was small and low quality. But he recognised her from somewhere. Something in how she moved.

He tried to think. She was smaller than the others, not the usual build for a soldier, her shoulders were too narrow for strength. And she was curvy, giving Lawson a run for her money. All over not built for strength or speed.

He'd only ever known one soldier like that. The idea took root and suddenly he felt nauseous. That was why Anderson wanted him here.

"That's not possible. She's dead," he said firmly. This person looked like her, maybe. Moved like her, but she wasn't the only infiltrator.

The image changed to some sort of riot in a huge interior space, YMIR mechs and uniformed turians everywhere. "This is the footage retrieved from the wreck of the _Purgatory_ , a prison ship that went down three weeks ago. Here she's with Operative Lawson and Zaeed Massani, former leader of the Blue Suns."

And she was. This woman, whoever she was, crouched down beside the security camera, still in full kestrel and packing an anti-materiel sniper rifle. He could see her face now, what there was to be seen.

His heart squeezed painfully. No, it wasn't her. It couldn't be her, she was dead. But he could see her mouth, those lips that he had fantasised about kissing for the longest time. He'd know them anywhere.

"It's not possible, sir," he reiterated, his throat dry.

The vid ended with a muzzle flash in the camera's direction and Anderson pinned him down with his eyes. "Who would she contact, Alenko?"

"Me," he answered, barely thinking. "Or Father Mills."

"She hasn't."

Kaidan realised that he should be concerned that they had surveillance on him without his knowledge, but he couldn't think straight. Shepard was alive.

Ivy was alive.

"I don't know, she didn't have friends or family."

"That's what I thought," Anderson said. "Obviously our facial recognition isn't doing any good, and she hasn't passed through any Alliance checkpoints for us to check her DNA."

"What do you think this is, sir?"

"Best case, Cerberus now has an operative that looks like Commander Shepard. Worst case, she defected, or was working with them all along."

"I don't believe that for a second, sir."

Anderson frowned. "That's the problem I have right now, Alenko. No one would believe it for a second. Shepard has always been absolute in her adherence to orders. She once let a man shoot her clean through the shoulder because she was told to bring him in unharmed. And she brought him in anyway, unharmed. In twelve years her relationship with you is the only reg she ever broke."

Kaidan didn't object to being called out on that, it was obvious Anderson knew. He hadn't been brought in here to be court-martialed for fraternisation. "I don't understand."

"Let me tell you a secret about infiltrators. They're a dime a dozen. Sharp shooters aren't much better. Shepard made N7 and Spectre because she followed orders and kept her mouth shut. With her stammer she could barely give away information when she wanted to, let alone by accident or through interrogation. She was our fortress, the perfect black operative."

"She has sensitive information," Kaidan finished. "And now she's with Cerberus."

"Sensitive information doesn't even begin to cover it. If that footage is what it appears to be we'll have dozens of deep cover agents compromised, information could surface that would at the very least embarrass humanity, the political implications are enormous."

Shepard would never work to undermine the Alliance. Kaidan knew that. But then he'd known she was dead.

She was dead. She wouldn't do this. That couldn't be her.

"What's my assignment, sir?"

"You've heard about the abductions happening the the Terminus system. We have reason to believe that Cerberus is behind them. We've got a tip about the next target, a colony on Horizon. We're sending you there, to set up their AA defences, protect them from attack."

"And if Shepard shows up?"

"Don't attempt to detain her. Make an assessment. Find out if it's her, and if it is, is she there under duress and how much she has told them. If you can get her talking find out what Cerberus is doing."

"Understood, sir."

She was alive.

"Dismissed, Commander."

Kaidan walked out of the office in a daze, barely feeling his feet hit the ground.

Shepard was alive.


	18. In Which Ivy Gets It

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 17**

**In Which Ivy Gets It**

* * *

_One_

* * *

Shepard raised her pistol and took aim at the dummy.

She felt sick.

No matter how many rounds she fired at her dummy she couldn't get rid of the feeling twisting in her gut, making her hands shake.

She shot another dozen rounds off anyway.

Williams was dead.

Sovereign was a Reaper and Ash was dead.

This mission had always been enormous, and dangerous. But Virmire had hammered it home. That dreadnought had corrupted Saren, turning someone so like her into an unrecognisable traitor. It was powerful, genocidal, smarter than she could ever hope to be and worst of all, it had friends.

And Ash was dead.

Sovereign hadn't scared her, it was just a ship. Saren hadn't scared her, he was just a Spectre. The krogans hadn't scared her, the council had faced much worse than ten million in their lifetimes. Seemingly endless armies of geth and krogan and the indoctrinated had just been more enemies, she's killed hundreds of them. These were just obstacles, nothing had changed, their objective was the same, their ability was the same, it was all surmountable. It was what she had done that had scared her.

She hadn't broken a single rule since she enlisted. Not one. But on Virmire she broke the rules, and it scared the hell out of her.

Ash had told her that she was in trouble, they had been heading to the AA guns, ready to pull her out. She had known that Ash was dead without her help.

When Kaidan had reported geth at his position, she knew the same.

It was the toughest decision any officer ever had to make, but it was one that she was prepared for, it hadn't been the first time. She knew the drill. Ensure the mission was completed at all costs, defend the more valuable objective. If neither location took precedence, rescue the higher ranking officer. It was all right there in the handbook.

She had forced herself to be still, to keep calm and conduct the assessment. Both objectives were secured, the geth couldn't override her team's work before the _Normandy_ extracted them. Kaidan was the ranking officer. That was the right decision.

She could fill in her report and give her reasoning and the Council wouldn't question it, the Alliance wouldn't question it.

But it hadn't mattered. She was never going to save Ash. The second she realised that Kaidan was in trouble, in her mind she had already been running for him, scrambling, tripping over herself. She would have found any rationalisation, any loophole. She couldn't explain it, not to herself, not to him, not to her superiors.

Ash was dead and she didn't know why.

She shot the dummy again, straight in the chest. The shot hissed as it failed to bypass the shields.

She removed the mod chip and inserted it into the laser cutter. It was all she could think to do. For the first time since she was seventeen she felt helpless. She had no defence against herself.

She should have felt secure. The council would have no choice but to go after Saren. As soon as she could talk to them she could give them the location of the Ilos relay. She might not have evidence about Sovereign, but a krogan cloning facility and a cure for the genophage were something they couldn't ignore, and the STG had physical proof.

There was nothing she could to about Ash, not now. Maybe she never could have done anything. She had crossed a line with Kaidan. She'd become attached. She shouldn't have hugged him, that was poor impulse control.

Alenko. His name was Lieutenant Alenko.

She had been unprepared. Too much familiarity wasn't a problem she'd ever faced before. She'd never accounted for the idea that being physically close to someone would be enjoyable until his hands were on hers and his chest was at her back and she could feel the warmth from his body. An officer should be prepared for all eventualities.

The laser cutter glowed with the algorithm she'd input. She wasn't working on a plan, just repeating practised motions. The same hurried, educated guesses she'd made for sport and once in a panic when she was young. Maximise the output, maximise the spread, maximise the bypass. It was the only way she could think to work through this sickness rolling inside her.

But she knew Alenko, and he'd want answers. Soon he'd come to find her, look at her with those eyes that made confused feelings well up in her chest and want to know why Ash had died instead of him.

He'd be grateful. Of course he would, it wouldn't be polite to be ungrateful and he was always polite. He wouldn't question her judgement, her ethics, her adherence to protocol. He'd just want to know what she had to say, because he always seemed to want to listen, always had time for her.

She pressed the fresh chip into Hello Bear, holding the grip tighter than necessary.

It was a wide scatter shot, the same algorithm as the mining nets. It sparked satisfyingly as it hit the shields, blossoming outward like a flower in electric blue.

She shot again, another flower bloomed.

Again, another.

The door to the workshop opened and she didn't look back. She shot again.

"Hey, Shepard," he said.

That was unprofessional, she was his commanding officer.

"Alenko," she said.

"'Alenko'? Am I in trouble, ma'am?"

_We all are._

She shouldn't blame him for her own failings. Protocol dictated that he should have survived, he had done nothing wrong. She kept firing. She didn't know what to say to him.

"What do you need, lieutenant?" she asked. The words felt cold. She couldn't remember how she was supposed to act around him.

"Nothing, ma'am. I just came to see you as a friend. To see how you're holding up."

She frowned. There was an army of advanced AI warships bearing down on them, she'd just lost an integral part of her crew, Saren was still at large and her judgement was compromised. So, poorly.

But he was looking at her with those eyes and she knew that he really needed an officer, not a friend.

"I'll live," she said. "You?"

"Things got pretty rough down there, piled up against us. We're up against some pretty scary stuff, it's hard knowing that our luck can turn that quickly."

He was right. Circumstance had been against them, she'd been there before. When any misjudgement, like a small, confused feeling, could turn deadly for someone. She was good at her job, but no one could defend against so much at once.

"A tungsten core," she blurted out.

The idea popped into her head and solidified so quickly that she forgot what they had been talking about.

"Ma'am?"

She turned her back on him, her mind racing with equations. She fed a fresh chip into the laser cutter. She didn't need to do any calculations, she knew this one by heart. That flower against the shields, like enemies encroaching from a hundred different positions. She should have figured it out.

She left the scattershot intact and overlaid it with the core of the tungsten mod.

"Should have known," she murmured.

The cutter lit up, flashes of red inside the chamber. She removed the still-hot chip and inserted it into Hello Bear. She didn't bother taking up proper firing stance, she just pointed and shot.

The shield lit up, each spark that jumped across it weakening it for a split second, allowing the tungsten round to punch straight through.

When the bloom faded the shield was intact, a clean hole the size of her thumbnail in the armour plate.

She looked at Kaidan, whose surprise was written all over him. His eyebrows raised, he stared at the dummy. "You did it."

He looked at her and smiled. Her heart suddenly hurt, the nausea returning to pummel at her stomach. She was breathing too hard, an after-effect of her excitement, she was aware of her chest rising and falling in short puffs. She couldn't seem to break eye contact, it somehow felt right to be looking at him, each second feeding whatever was clawing at her insides.

Somewhere in her peripheral vision she saw a green light. That stupid heart alarm. She was suddenly angry at herself for needing it, for not seeing before now when he was upset or excited. For breaking the rules for something so frivolous. Just to try to find out... to find out...

She looked down at her omnitool and saw that it wasn't one light flashing. It was two. His and hers.

It hit her like a thousand volt shock.

Oh.

_Scuttlebutt says he's already sweet on someone._

She looked back at him and suddenly this feeling made sense, this weakness and nervousness.

Her brain misfired. She was speechless. A dozen thoughts fired off at once, none even making it to coherence before getting lost in a fog.

Ash had tried to tell her.

She knew her lips were parted, but nothing was coming out. Finally, the only thing she could think of burst from her throat, astonished. "You're sweet on... _me_?"

"Yeah, Shepard," he said quietly. "You."

"But I've never... No one's ever... _Why?_ "

He thought of her that way? Romantically? Like in the vids, where men and women held hands and kissed and had picnics? Or in that other way that spawned whole cultures of prostitution and fetish sites and uncomfortable underwear?

She knew the basics of what happened between adults who were entangled, but she'd always laughed it off. She was an officer, a marine, her Alliance contract looked like it had been drawn up by Indenturetech. Who would feel that way about her?

He would.

He _did._

And god help her, she felt that way about him.

She didn't understand what was going on.

"Ivy..." He took half a step towards her, slowly like he was approaching a skittish animal. She tensed, but tried not to pull back. He smiled, small and bashful. "You're strong, tough, beautiful, so smart it makes my head spin. How could I not?"

Everyone else had resisted for long enough.

Everything, everything was starting to make sense. He had declawed her. That was why the crew wasn't nervous around her, why Ash had been bold enough to bring contraband aboard, why people joked and laughed with her. They – _everyone but her_ – had seen how he felt, and it had made her less intimidating. The whole crew looked up to Kaidan, if he felt that way then how bad could she be?

She saw the thousand cracks radiating outwards from this. The alcohol on her ship, the illegal heart monitor, the hug, forgetting protocol on Virmire. All from the one rule she thought she'd never have to worry about: fraternisation.

Her heart was pounding in her ears, she knew she hadn't moved since he had last spoken, her face frozen in shock. She had to get control over this. Their mission was too big. What would she screw up next in misguided pursuit of... of...

"Are you alright?" he asked.

"Is this what we're doing? F... fr... fr..." Her throat closed up, she couldn't talk. She felt a stab of panic.

"Hey, hey, look at me." She felt a touch under her chin and he tilted her face up to look him in the eye. "We haven't done anything wrong."

No, they hadn't. Just the precursor to everything wrong. It was just luck that it hadn't ended in disaster.

They were looking at the end of life as they knew it and she was relying on luck.

"I can't... I can't..."

Looking into his eyes she wanted to do something wrong.

"It's okay, Shepard. No pressure. Once we've caught Saren things will settle down, we'll have some time to think."

Yes, time to think, that was what she needed. Space to breathe, less pressure, somewhere he wasn't in her personal space being handsome and understanding, distracting her from the mission. Then maybe she could try to understand what any of this meant.

Her radio buzzed in her ear. "I've got the council on the line, Commander, putting it through to the comm room."

"Thank you, Joker."

Good. This was what she needed. She knew what to do with the Council.

She cast a look at Kaidan, then left the room without another word.


	19. We're Going to Ilos

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 18**

**We're Going To Ilos**

* * *

_Two_

* * *

"She's dangerous."

The Illusive Man crossed his legs, ashed his cigarette. "That's why she's here."

Miranda watched the screens behind him, the live feed from the ground team. Lazarus was picking through the ruins of Ilos. She held up a piece of prothean circuitry, examined it, turned it over in her hands, then put it back where she had found it.

"Not just to the Collectors," Miranda said. "She doesn't remember her Alliance training."

"Then we'll have to give her some new training. Shepard was always known for being practical, she's not going to turn down our resources."

The Illusive Man always spoke sense, but he believed that reward was preceded by risk. She usually agreed with him, but it was no secret that Cerberus operations often ended with their test subjects on the loose and their head scientists in the ground; she didn't intend for her operation to end the same way.

"I take it you saw what she did with Dr. Solus," she said.

"I read EDI's report. Has the treatment worked?"

"The effects are fading. At first Lazarus was complaining of hunger, I thought that was a positive sign. And she obviously hasn't let go of this Ilos idea, but she's back to square one."

"Tell me about this hunger."

"I ran some tests, her physical upgrades have raised her metabolism. It's probable that she's felt hungry since she woke up but hasn't felt any associated distress. I've raised her rations. She could have starved to death without any intervention."

The Illusive Man almost smiled, just a ghost of the expression on his face. "Then it sounds like Dr. Solus treated her just in time."

"It's not just the treatment. She's deliberately defying us at every opportunity. She's tricking EDI's sensors. She insisted we stop for incense on our way here."

"Incense?"

"She set off smoke alarms on half the ship, it forced EDI to shut down fire detectors and olfactory sensors. She's also gone on birth control. It masks our readings on her hormone levels."

That almost-smile again, his eyes glowing. "She's developing a personality. You should be celebrating, Miranda. This is classic Shepard, she used to cause this sort of trouble for the Alliance before she enlisted."

Behind him the screens showed Lazarus attempting to rewire the prothean VI, Vigil. Good luck to her, the best techs from the Alliance and Cerberus had tried to restore power to it with no success.

"She was a bloody terrorist before she enlisted."

"Some people say the same about us."

"Lazarus is different. She's just a bundle of chaos," Miranda argued. He had to see that this mission was too important to leave in Lazarus' hands. "She doesn't have humanity's interests at heart."

"She doesn't have anything at heart. It's your job to put something there. I have faith in your abilities, and now you have Dr. Solus to help you. Don't let me down, Miranda."

"She's more a liability than an asset at this point."

The screens lit up behind him, Vigil flickering to life. The Illusive Man laughed, he actually laughed. Great. Just what she needed. He might have found it amusing, but whatever Lazarus could do to Vigil she could do to EDI.

"I understand your concerns, Miranda, but she's an asset we need. This is our chance to take her away from the Alliance once and for all. I expect you to deliver."

"Understood, sir."

"Send her to me when she gets back on board. I have her next mission briefing. You're going to Horizon, we're expecting a Collector attack. Shepard's old lover, Kaidan Alenko, will be there. You'll want to take advantage of this opportunity."

He ended the call and she stepped off the comm platform.

It was her job to put something in Lazarus' heart. They had vids that they showed to new recruits, events that showed the imbalance in galactic power, how humans suffered injustice every day. Somehow she didn't think those would pull at Lazarus' heartstrings. She needed cold, hard fact. The only thing that seemed to matter was the Reapers' agenda. Loyalty wasn't an option, they'd seen that. Any tangible asset against the Reapers was acceptable to Lazarus, regardless of where it came from.

The greater good, the future of humanity, the superiority of human society, these things just didn't matter to Lazarus. The only way to ensure she stayed human was to prove to her the inherent flaws with the other species. If she came to see them as a liability she would throw her support behind humanity: the best chance against the Reapers.

Unfortunately even with Dr. Solus' treatments she hadn't developed any exploitable emotions. There wasn't much that Miranda could do with hunger. At least she was breaking herself of the attachment to the protheans.

But she wasn't without preference. She openly disagreed with anything wasteful or superfluous. She lost interest in extended conversation. Waste and dialogue were almost synonymous with asari culture. Quarians had an obsessive sentimental attachment to Rannoch, which hindered their societal development, that wouldn't impress her. Krogans weren't smart, and Lazarus liked smart. Turians obeyed authority absolutely and she had more than proven that she wasn't interested in that.

Salarians would be a problem. Brilliant, efficient, pragmatic, they were everything that Lazarus related to, especially Mordin Solus. She would have to limit their contact.

It was something to start with. If she could isolate a few chinks in Lazarus' armour, show her how the other species operated, she might make some progress. Whenever her limbic system was at its most active she'd have to strike.

"EDI," she said. "Report on Lazarus' behaviour over the past 24 hours."

"Lazarus has had 36 deviations from her established routine in the last 24 hours."

Of course she did. "Is there anything I should know about?"

This was another game she was playing with EDI, she'd figured out some of the behaviours that would be flagged in EDI's system, and was engaging in them at every possible opportunity.

"At 1948 Lazarus engaged in private communication with Jeff Moreau, she read him the first two pages of _A Tale of Two Cities,_ by – "

"Next."

"This caused Mr. Moreau some confusion. At 2113 Lazarus engaged in individual sexual activity."

That was new. "Analyse."

If Lazarus was getting sexual urges then maybe meeting her former lover would stimulate something Miranda could take advantage of. There was nothing more human than attraction to another human.

"Based on past behaviour, this was more likely an attempt to flag elevated heart rate, adrenaline and endorphins in her system than a hormonal need. Further analysis can be conducted if more data points are created."

"Next." This was worse than useless. Lazarus had rendered their state-of-the-art AI useless. The Illusive Man didn't know how much he was asking of her.

"At 0622 Lazarus briefly contemplated eating dextroamino food, but chose levoamino."

"Enough." At least she had decided not to put herself into anaphylactic shock.

But maybe that sexual activity could still be useful, even if it had only been for EDI's benefit. They had, of course, considered the possibility that Shepard would awake still under the impression that she was in a relationship with Alenko, before everything had gone to hell. They had made careful arrangements for the two to be kept separated. Originally a picture of him had been placed in her cabin, but in consideration of her mental state it had been removed.

If she could arrange for Lazarus to be at her most emotional when she met with Kaidan Alenko, even if it was just the barest function of her limbic system, she might be able to rekindle a spark of her connection to humanity. With her hormones high from sexual release and birth control medication the inclination might come naturally.

If Lazarus had one human that she cared about, that was one more than any other species.

First she had to maximise her chances.

"EDI, turn off all sensors in Lazarus' personal quarters, make sure she knows when she comes aboard."

"Privacy mode active."

That should help her drop her guard, have some time when she wasn't putting on a show for EDI. Next to deal with medication.

Dr. Solus was still aboard, Lazarus had taken Vakarian and Jacob groundside.

He had listened to her, to an extent, regarding Lazarus' treatment. She could admit that she wasn't an expert in the field of remedial medicine, but neither was he, so that grated. She'd asked them to hold off on ECT until they'd seen the full effects of the serum he'd administered, but she needed to risk this. If the Illusive Man wanted bold action she could give it to him.

Miranda walked to the lab, just around the corner from the comm room. Dr. Solus was working on protection from the seeker swarms, but she'd have to chance interrupting him.

"Dr. Solus," she said.

"Operative Lawson, how can I help?"

"I want to commence Lazarus' ECT."

"Of course. Have the equipment, can commence this week."

"I need it sooner than that. As soon as she's back on the _Normandy._ She'll need the recovery time before our next mission."

"Inadvisable. Treatment is simple, implants not so simple, could short her out. Destroy her eyes, heart, larynx, joints, replicated nervous system. Electrocution, broken pathways, further brain damage, coma, death."

She crossed her arms. "Illusive Man's orders. I have faith in you, Dr. Solus."

"My patient."

" _My_ patient," she corrected. "You've chosen to treat Lazarus but I am still the physician in charge of her case."

Solus frowned at her. "Irresponsible. Patient's health is first concern."

"Not on this mission. Stopping the Collectors is our first priority. If we can't get Lazarus up to operating standards she becomes a liability."

She had never seen a salarian look angry before. It was strangely funny, oversized features stretched into an almost cartoonish expression.

"Even in STG patients treated like people."

"Right now she's not a person. She's an experiment, a failed experiment. If you want her safe get her working. Can I count on you to do this to my specifications, Dr. Solus, or will I have to take over primary treatment again?"

Solus glowered at her. "Would have thought Cerberus would treat humans better."

"We're a surprising people," Miranda replied, not wanting to dignify that with a serious answer.

"Fine. Out, need to prepare."

Miranda bowed out, but said over her shoulder, "And don't forget to give her another dose of your serum."

"Called paracerebral hypersimphetamine. Learn what your patient is taking, doctor."

_I'll look it up in the illegal stimulants database_ , she thought, but decided not to provoke him. She let the door slide shut behind her without further comment.

She was going to get Lazarus working if it killed her.


	20. A Kiss is Just a Kiss

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 19**

**A Kiss is Just a Kiss**

* * *

_One_

* * *

Ivy tried to keep to herself. Her crew didn't need to see her frustration, her impotence.

Grounded.

It felt personal. She could count on her fingers the number of reprimands she'd received in her military career. She had no black marks on her record. A change of mission parameters wasn't new, she'd stood down from missions before on orders, let a different kind of specialist take control. That was just protocol.

But they'd locked down her ship. As if she didn't know how to take orders. As if she was going to mutiny. She should have known better than to question them, Anderson was already pushing them to their limits with talk of Reapers, they weren't going to listen to a Spectre they thought to be unstable. She'd just cast suspicion on herself.

Had she been lax? If she'd delayed any of their priority missions she wouldn't have had a chance of stopping Saren, but maybe there was physical proof of the Reapers that she could have found, should have been focused on. She shouldn't have been so sceptical before Virmire.

She needed her cleaning kit. Out in her locker.

With a grimace she left her quarters. Her crew needed... what? Reassurance? She had none to offer them. Ash's death still fresh, they were shaken, and now sitting on their hands. She couldn't have asked for worse circumstances.

She knelt in front of her locker and started to input her code. It didn't want to work, her hands were trembling, pressing the wrong numbers. In frustration she thumped the locker with her fist. She heard footsteps approaching and looked up to see Kaidan.

He'd been avoiding her, and she was grateful for it. Ash's death, the council's obstinance and her own confusion over him had just left her feeling tired.

She slumped down against the lockers.

"Commander, are you alright?" he asked. "I'm sure there's a way to appeal. We're under Alliance authority, after all, not the council."

If only that were the case. If it came down to it the council would fight the Alliance for authority over her and win. Not that they needed to. Right now Udina was terrified of her embarrassing humanity, he wasn't going to defy the council before he had secured a spot on it. Her options had run out.

"I've tried, no luck."

"So that's it? We just walk away?"

"Of course not."

Kaidan sighed, echoing her own frustration. "If I can be of any help just let me know. I hope I'm not out of line saying that."

"You're not. I'm just upset." She was glad to have him there. For all the confusion he was still a comfort.

"You looked like you were about ready to go off on the council. Much as they deserve it, it's good to take a step back. I'm here for you, but we're in a rough spot and the last thing I want to do is muddy things." He looked like he was about to say more, but stopped when he noticed the smile creeping over her face. She couldn't help it. For someone who talked so much he had such a talent for understatement.

She nudged his foot with her toes. "Stop being so p-p-precious, goof."

It was scary – terrifying – but she wanted him there. She wanted him to talk to her without that stiff veil of formality, of regulation. He smiled at her and she felt herself relax.

"So what's the plan?"

She shrugged. She had nothing, so she looked him in the eye and gave him honesty. "I'm going to protect you."

She hoped that made it sound like she had a better plan than letting Anderson loose on the council. Eventually he'd yell loudly enough at the right person, buy them some breathing room. It was true, though. No matter the outcome, she was going to keep him safe.

"Have you got something up your sleeve, Shepard?" he asked. "What am I saying? When don't you? That's what I lo- appreciate about you."

Ivy flushed from her toes to her face, an exhilarating, terrifying rush of blood. She could feel her skin heating up. He hadn't really been going to say that. Had he? The air left her lungs in a short puff.

"I'm the one who trips talking," she teased with more confidence than she felt.

"I just need a little practise, is all," he said with a short laugh. "I think we've got some time."

He held out a hand to help her up. She stared at it for a moment. She felt a sort of sweet dread at touching his skin again, then took it and let him pull her to her feet.

She wasn't sure if she stumbled or if he pulled her forward, but with a jolt she was pressed up against him, his arm wrapped around her waist to steady her. Their eyes met and suddenly breathing was complicated, like advanced mathematics, the in and out happening all out of sync.

This was the first time they had touched like this. With intent. It felt more natural than when she'd tried to hug him, her arms found their own position against his shoulders, her hips instinctively leaned against his. The electricity under her skin could light up cities. She felt every place that their bodies touched, and so fiercely where his hands were splayed across her back.

His eyes flicked to her parted lips and she forgot how to breathe altogether. He was going to kiss her. She wanted him to.

She turned her face upward and stretched, rising up on tiptoes. She wanted to know what it felt like, what it tasted like, what _he_ tasted like. Warm breath washed over her skin, sending shivers down her back as he leaned down to meet her. The tip of her nose touched his and she felt like her heart was going to pound its way out of her chest.

"Sorry to interrupt, Commander," Joker's voice in her ear made her jerk out of Kaidan's arms. "Got a message from Captain Anderson."

She took a sharp breath, trying to calm down. "What did he want?"

"Only said to meet him in that club in the wards. Flux."

She looked at Kaidan. He looked significantly calmer than she felt. "Well I guess you'd better go, then."

"Yes," she agreed, disoriented by the sudden whiplash.

She had expected Anderson to make some headway, but she didn't like the sound of this. It was too soon, and if it was official he would have wanted to meet her in his office, or at the embassy.

She left Kaidan as quickly as she could. She wasn't going to delay this meeting, she didn't even stop to put on her hardsuit. She definitely wasn't going to take anyone with her. She had to get this over with as quickly as possible, all this tension was not conducive to good composure.

The decon at the airlock took long enough to make her tremble with anxiety. Between the creeping dread of wondering what Anderson was going to suggest and wanting to bang her head against the wall – she had been _this_ close to kissing him! – she was a mess.

In the cold light of the Citadel it almost seemed like a mistake. She wasn't helping her own case against fraternisation. But a part of her, big enough to challenge her wounded pride at being grounded and worry over their course of action, was yelling for joy. Emotions she'd never experienced before were bubbling in her chest, bringing up with them a thousand things she'd never known she wanted, and a different kind of fear.

It was an easier kind of fear, though. It helped her ride the elevator down, helped her get to rapid transit, the questions she had no answers for, that she could contemplate to induce a strange pain in her chest that she could cling to. What if he wanted something that she wasn't prepared to give? What if things changed? What if he died on this mission? What if he didn't want anything at all and it was just blood running hot from close quarters?

Questions so easy compared to the ones she should be asking.

Flux was loud, bright, irritating. The music thundered in her ears, the flashing lights made it hard to see in front of her, the crowds were thick enough to get lost in and suddenly she couldn't distract herself with thoughts of Kaidan. She'd been to this place before, or close enough that it didn't matter. Here was where she met contacts, received briefings that were so classified that they couldn't risk cameras, microphones or eavesdroppers. This was the place where she was told to do something that wasn't above board.

As she pushed her way through the crowd she silently prayed that Anderson's orders were coming from high up, but part of her knew that wasn't the case. Captains didn't give personal briefings to black operatives.

She found him at a table in the corner. He looked aged, tired. Insufficient sleep or stressful waking activities. Probably both. She knew the feeling.

"Anderson," she said as she sat down.

"Shepard," he replied.

He slid a drink across the table, something strong and caramel-coloured. She knew this was going to be bad.

It was worse. He explained his plan in detail. He would go into Udina's office, break the docking lock on the _Normandy,_ she would take it to Ilos and stop Saren.

She had imagined one worse scenario, which was that he would ask her to assassinate the council and hope the next candidates were more open-minded. But truthfully she hadn't thought that was likely. This was the worst option that she had contemplated as possible.

This was suicide, one way or the other.

"You're asking a lot," she said.

"We don't have any other choice."

"There must be."

"There isn't."

She downed her drink in one mouthful, it burned going down her throat. "This is mutiny. Treason."

"It's that or the end of galactic civilisation," Anderson said. "At the end of this we'll all either be dead or heroes."

"Not all," she hissed, stealing his glass.

"Shepard, this isn't the time to lose your nerve. You've been a model soldier for years, I need you on our side this time."

"They'll send me back." _Breathe from the diaphragm._

"I'm not going to let that happen."

"You'll be in jail for treason."

"I can't order you to do this. But I'm asking you, as someone who has defended you in the past, to do the right thing."

Her voice cracked with anger when she spoke. "You've spent the last twelve years telling me that doing the right thing meant following the rules."

"Dammit, Ivy, this supersedes the rules! This is life and death."

"It's always life and death. You send me out there to die every day. I do it because I trust you."

Anderson sighed, his anger ebbing. "Well, this time I'm asking you to make that judgement. You're a Spectre now. You can trust the council to come through for us all or you can trust yourself to know what you should be doing."

Ivy looked at the drink in her hands, swirled the glass around to watch the liquid vortex down. Trust herself. What was the right thing to do? Anderson thought this was a no-brainer. Certainly without intervention Saren would take the Citadel, and from there the rest of the inhabited galaxy. The council had the entire allied fleet at their disposal, the Spectre corps, C-Sec. If they were planning to send so much as an investigative force they would have Saren in custody before he had a chance to act. And her. She would be in custody as well, another fallen Spectre on a stolen boat, preparing to spend her life in prison if they didn't simply execute her.

If they weren't sending anyone, if they had truly failed in their duties as protectors... She remembered her promise to Kaidan, simply spoken but heartfelt. She would protect him.

This wasn't her job, and that made her furious. How was she supposed to protect the entire galaxy by herself? The council was supposed to be looking out for them. Tens of thousands of ships idling in the harbour while Saren was moving a fleet they couldn't imagine right toward them.

She downed Anderson's drink, she was going to need it more than he did.

"I'm in."

"Good to hear. Get back to your ship, and get ready to move."

She stood and saluted him. He returned it.

The music from the club seemed to have dulled, but the lights were even brighter. She walked out into the street in a daze.

What had she just agreed to?

It was bright and cold as she walked towards the rapid transit terminal, trying to put one foot in front of the other.

_That's where I'm going. Somewhere bright and cold._

She was going to get Saren, she had no doubt. He had admitted, himself, that indoctrination made the subject lose faculties. She had the advantage. Barring any unfortunate coincidences, she was going to find Saren, to kill him, to stop the Reapers. Then her troubles would begin.

She was going to protect Kaidan. The thought hardened her resolve. She would protect Kaidan, protect Garrus, Liara, Wrex, Joker, even Tali. She would protect Father Mills in New York, Kaidan's family in Vancouver, Ash's family on Sirona. She was the one with the responsibility to these people, before the council and before high command.

It was time to be the shepherd, not the sheep.

She found her way back to the _Normandy,_ numb from head to toe.

This was it, here she would put the council's authority behind her. This time she was wishing that decon would take longer. As soon as she stepped in that door she would be making her own rules, and the whole galaxy would rest on her getting them right.

The door slid open, her eyes adjusted to the dim lights of the cockpit. She walked up behind Joker.

One foot in front of the other.

"Hey Shepard, how'd it go?" Joker asked.

"We're stealing the _Normandy_."

"Oh. Oh, well that'll make for a good story to tell at parties, I guess. How exactly are we stealing the _Normandy_?"

"Get ready," she said.

"Oh, we're doing it right now..." Joker kept talking, but she wasn't listening.

She stared at the light and waiting for her life to change.


	21. Horizon

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 20**

**Horizon**

* * *

_Two_

* * *

Garrus could have sworn a blue streak at whatever Alliance tech had failed to set up these guns.

Husks were irritating when there were two or three, but in swarms, backed by Collector drones, they were nightmarish. With Miranda being the only biotic on the ground, he and Lazarus were left to try to pick them off one by one from a distance, then pistol whip them when they inevitably broke through.

And just to make it interesting, Lazarus was off her game. He'd been unfortunate enough to be in the armoury when Mordin had started shocking her. He'd gone to see what was causing all the commotion, only to find her strapped down, gag in her mouth, moaning in discomfort every time Mordin hit his switch. He'd tried to intervene, but Lazarus waved him down. Disgusting or not, it was voluntary. Now every few shots she'd miss her target, every few steps she'd threaten to stagger.

So, husk swarms were fair sport. Scions were worse. Lazarus had enough presence of mind to duck behind crates, but scions' biotics tore through them. He found his shields down more than once trying to keep her out of harm's way.

But by the time the giant husk floated down over the AA tower, its mouth filled with human skulls, firing a particle beam that could tear through shields and armour, it was a sniper's game. Lazarus' anti-material rifle cracked its shell, and when she'd draw its attention, if it came too close, she'd just disappear, reappearing on the far side of the area with a fresh round.

Garrus would draw its attention away while she repositioned, then she'd take it back. It was a slow, deadly game of catch.

"EDI, what's the AA tower doing?" he yelled into his radio.

"AA tower at 48% power," she told him.

"Oh, come on."

The giant husk was getting closer to him and he ducked down behind a wall, hoping Lazarus would draw fire. It kept getting closer, but at least it was a bad aim with its particle beam. It drifted slowly, swinging from side to side, badly wounded. It was oozing grey-blue muck from a dozen holes in its shell.

When it was so close that he thought it was just going to swoop down and eat him with that horrible mouth, he heard the boom of the Widow. It shrieked, the sound so high and loud that he felt it in his bones, and fell to the ground. He looked down at the corpse. Grotesque. The shell had cracked open, gushing that foul blood among rotting human body parts, hands and feet mostly. The smell was overwhelming.

Just as it fell the AA guns started firing. The tech might have been incompetent, but the guns packed a punch. Fire billowed out from the hull of the Collector ship everywhere a shell landed. After only a few shots the ship started lifting off. Garrus' surroundings were masked by a cloud of thruster smoke, dust and the deafening sound of a dreadnought taking flight. He took cover again, trying not to get caught in the cloud, but soon enough the ship was gone, just a smoking crater where it had landed.

He was about to call out and ask Lazarus if she'd left that shot to the last second to be dramatic, but he was cut off by the squawky human they'd met in the bunker.

Garrus loped over to where Miranda was cleaning herself off, within earshot of the conversation. He had to give it to the mechanic, it was pretty gutsy to be anywhere near this area, and to be mouthing off to Lazarus. Pointless, but gutsy.

"What's his problem?" Garrus asked Miranda.

"He doesn't trust the Alliance. It's good. He shouldn't."

Oh, good. Another intelligent discussion with a Cerberus operative. "Have you ever considered taking up a hobby, Miranda? On Tuchanka they fight varren. You raise a pup to adulthood, and teach it to tear out throats. You could get out some of that maternal instinct and aggression. It would be perfect for you. In fact, I think you've missed your true calling."

"There's a reason turians aren't known for their wit, Garrus," Miranda said.

The mechanic was getting more aggravated. No one could turn a man from irritated to hysterical quite like Lazarus. He actually liked it about her, Shepard did the same thing.

"Ah, forget this, I'm done with you Alliance types," the mechanic gave them a dismissive wave and walked away.

"And he was such a loyalist before this," Garrus said. "Did you hear that, though? You're an 'Alliance type'."

Lazarus stared after the mechanic. Garrus watched her. She had seen something interesting. That visor of hers had probably picked up something, it could leave his in the dust. He'd switch, but kestrel didn't make turian armour. So instead he watched the spot she was staring at, until another human rounded the corner, making its way toward them.

Oh, no.

He recognised that human.

"Shepard?" Kaidan asked, hanging back a few steps. He must have realised quicker than Garrus had that something was wrong.

Lazarus didn't know, the realisation hit him. She had no idea what Kaidan had gone through, and if she did she wasn't equipped to understand it. They'd all grieved, but Alenko had been destroyed. Garrus had been at the receiving end of more than a little of his grief.

He remembered how Lazarus had greeted him. He had to stop this.

"Alenko, Kaidan. Staff Commander, Systems Alliance Navy. Formerly _SSV Normandy_. L2 biotic. Current status classified."

Kaidan stared at her. Garrus sprinted for the pair of them.

"Kaidan!" he yelled, trying to stop the conversation.

"Who are you?" Kaidan asked, quietly enough that Garrus just caught it running toward them.

"This is Cerberus anti-reaper biomechanical reconstruction, codename: Lazarus."

"It's Shepard," Garrus interrupted, then amended, "It's sort of Shepard."

He wished he had some great explanation. He could lie, tell him that it was a hologram or VI or AI, but that wasn't right.

"What the hell is this?" Kaidan echoed Garrus' own reaction.

He had to handle this delicately.

Lazarus spoke before he could. "This is Lazarus. Reanimated construct of the Shepard."

Kaidan stared at her for a long time, his eyebrows furrowing, his mouth partly open. When he spoke, his voice was ragged. "What?"

"They're trying to bring Shepard back, Kaidan," Garrus said before she could make things any worse. "And it's working."

"This is... this is actually her body?" He didn't sound exactly joyful at the prospect. "Cerberus is using her body to do their dirty work? What's powering this thing, is it a VI? You support this, Garrus?"

He could hear every accusation flung at him in Kaidan's voice. It stung. "No, I don't. But I'd rather make sure that Shepard's body isn't being misused than leave them to their own devices."

Even as he said the words he felt guilty, remembering her strapped to that table, shocked, again and again. Not misusing her. Right. He was supposed to put a bullet in her brain if they started doing things that Shepard wouldn't want done, but he didn't know what Shepard would have wanted. Kaidan would know, he could judge.

"Not... How could you... What is..." Kaidan was angry, if Garrus could tell human emotions.

"It's Shepard," Miranda interrupted their conversation. "Not a VI. Lazarus is Commander Ivana Shepard, she's suffered severe brain damage, but it's her. She's very sick, Commander Alenko."

What was she doing? Garrus shot a look at her, but Miranda ignored him.

"It's Ivy," Kaidan said. "It's Ivy Shepard."

"I'll add it to my notes," Miranda said coolly. "Lazarus, why don't you talk to the Commander?"

"What would you like me to say?" Lazarus said. Garrus could have covered his eyes. These two were going to make Kaidan draw his gun, and he wouldn't blame him.

"Tell him about your life since we rebuilt you," Miranda said.

"The _Normandy SR-2_ is inefficient. Our missions have been successful. My medical treatments are adequate. The Collectors remain at large."

She said it all in creepy monotone. He had to fix this, he didn't know what Miranda was doing.

"Kaidan, I'm looking out for her," he said.

"How, exactly?" asked Kaidan. His face had gone a strange shade of white. Humans liked to change colours to indicate their moods, and white was always bad. "How are you looking out for her? This is... This is a mockery of everything Shepard stood for."

"Our missions have all been above board. Nothing illegal, nothing Shepard would object to. They're not mistreating her. It's the best I can do."

"I bet I can do one better," Kaidan said.

Garrus saw his hand lingering on his gun. He held up his talons, trying to stop this from escalating. "Whoa, slow down."

"He won't kill her," Miranda said. "It's Shepard. He couldn't."

Garrus wondered if human males appreciated taunting more than turian males. "Let's not test our luck, alright?"

Miranda turned her attention to Kaidan. "It is Shepard, Commander Alenko. Her brain was damaged when she died, but Cerberus has spent a lot of time and money to bring her back. Consider it a work in progress. If we succeed, you get Shepard back."

"And if you fail you get your own Shepard-puppet to make you look good, dragging her own name through the mud. I know who you are, Miranda Lawson."

"Then you should know that I am the head doctor on the Lazarus Project. We want the same thing, Commander. To get Shepard back fighting the Reapers. We're sparing no expense to make that happen."

Kaidan took a half step forward. "I want Ivy to rest in peace. Not... this."

"What did Shepard want?" Lazarus spoke up, startling Garrus.

"Shepard hated Cerberus."

"But what did she want?"

Kaidan wasn't speaking. Oh, that was a terrible question. Way to bring up every hope and dream Alenko ever had with Shepard. Two human lunatics on his ground team and he didn't know which was worse with people.

"She wanted to not be used anymore," Kaidan said, his voice low.

That seemed to set Lazarus thinking and it was almost – almost – funny to watch Miranda try to decide where she needed to run interference first. He couldn't tell what she was trying to do by keeping Alenko talking, but the three of them should have been out of there.

"How would you solve this dilemma?" Lazarus asked.

"I don't know," Kaidan said.

"Do you want this platform non-operational?"

"Yes."

"Then our interests are in conflict. I have a war to fight."

Kaidan paused. "You don't stutter."

They seemed like they were coming to some kind of truce. So, of course, Miranda had to interfere. "We couldn't preserve the stutter, among other things."

"I don't want to know." He turned away, waving them off like the mechanic had. "I was sent here because we thought Cerberus was behind these colony attacks. Is that true, Lazarus?"

"Not according to information I am able to access. Neither this platform nor the _Normandy SR-2_ has engaged in any anti-colony operations."

"Do you remember anything? Anything at all?"

Garrus' heart went out to him. The question was right between the lines: 'Do you remember me?' But Lazarus couldn't read between lines.

"No."

"And when you leave here, what are you doing then?"

"Our mission is to stop the Collector attacks. We anticipate passing through the Omega-4 relay."

Kaidan stepped up to Garrus, and for a moment he was worried that he'd get another hurt, angry tirade, like he used to get just after Shepard died. Instead Kaidan's voice was soft. "If I hear anything about Shepard being involved with Cerberus, it's on you."

"I know," Garrus said.

Kaidan glanced at Lazarus. "Try to keep that body safe. It means something to a lot of people."

Lazarus gave him a short nod, then radioed Joker for their pickup, apparently deciding their conversation was over. Kaidan agreed, because he was already walking back towards the mostly empty colony.

Miranda opened her mouth to call out to him, but Garrus clamped a talon around her shoulder and physically dragged her in the opposite direction. She made wordless, indignant noises and eventually managed to pry him off.

"What do you think you're doing?" she demanded. She cast a glance at Lazarus, who was busy inspecting a drone body, then turned back to him. "I'm trying to stimulate Lazarus' limbic system. That man – "

"Is off limits," he finished for her. "If you ever pull this again I'm going to take Lazarus out. I'm here to make sure you don't use her to do damage. That was damage."

Miranda glowered at him, but said nothing.

Garrus was fine with that. He helped Lazarus pick through corpses until the shuttle arrived, and hoped neither of them had been too hurt by the experience.


	22. Breaking Regs, Again

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 21**

**Breaking Regs, Again**

* * *

_One_

* * *

This had been a bold move. Kaidan felt oddly liberated to be out from under the council's thumb, even if it made them all mutineers. It felt like the higher ups had been ignoring the problem for so long, finally getting a chance to sink their teeth into the mission was a relief. It was what they were made for: stealth assault missions.

Kaidan hadn't expected Shepard to actually commandeer the _Normandy_. It was the only reasonable thing to do, but considering she'd almost had a panic attack at their brush with fraternisation, he hadn't actually thought she'd go through with it. As soon as she'd delivered her rousing speech to the crew ("All hands to stations. We're going to get Saren.") she had gone into her quarters and hadn't come out.

He was worried, in more ways than one. Sure, as a friend and maybe more, but mostly he was worried that she was losing her nerve. Their entire tactical advantage was built around her leadership, having a first class urban combat specialist at their head was the linchpin holding them together, getting them through each mission.

He found her at her desk, staring at the wall. Her hair was down, hiding her face behind dark curls. She didn't look up as he entered.

"Ma'am?"

She said nothing, didn't move.

He tried again. "Commander, what's wrong?"

She sighed. "I just stole a warship."

"Yeah, you did," he agreed.

"And kidnapped forty p-p-people."

"Yeah."

She frowned. "And disobeyed the council."

He should probably be flattered that she wasn't even trying to put up a professional front, but it was unsettling to see her so at odds with herself when they had a mission in just a few hours that would determine the fate of the galaxy. He had to talk some sense into her.

"We're all behind you, Shepard. You didn't have any other choice."

That just made her frown again. "Don't tell m-me that."

"What's going on, Shepard? You know you did the right thing. Are you worried that we won't stop Saren, that this won't pay off?"

"No. We've got this."

He sighed and crouched down next to her. "Come on. Friends, right? Tell me what's going on."

She looked at him and he saw the cold, implacable eyes of Commander Shepard where the kind strength of Ivy should be. It sent chills down his spine. They couldn't do this without her.

"I'm not allowed to break the rules."

No one was allowed to break rules, by definition. But she knew that, she must have meant something else. "Why not?"

"I didn't enlist in the Alliance," she said. "I'm here on a court order."

Kaidan stared at her. "What?"

She stood up, turning her back to him. Her shoulders were rigid and she paced in half steps. "Do you remember that domestic intervention in Moscow about a decade back?"

"Yeah, my father was on the ground there. What was it, an arms dealer?" He wasn't surprised that she'd been caught in that. Huge areas of the city had burned down. That would have been just around the time she joined the Alliance. It clicked. "That was you?"

She stared at her point on the wall again. "It was an accident."

"How do you accidentally burn down a city?" he asked, taking a step back. He took a breath. He'd known there was something wrong with her, and he needed her back to her old self. He had to at least hear her out.

She opened her omnitool and started typing, but he caught her wrist gently, stopping her. He looked into her eyes. "Talk to me, Ivy."

So she did. She stumbled and stammered, refused to look him in the eye, but she talked.

"My shop was always getting attacked by a rival gang, Sinov'ya Paookov, the Sons of Spiders. The Reds mostly protected me, but one night the Spiders tried to break in, four or five of them, I was alone. I was seventeen. I only had Bear to protect me, so I used what I knew about weapon modding and tried to make him into a grenade launcher. The result was unprecedented."

"High-explosive rounds," Kaidan filled in the blanks. He remembered Nihlus ribbing her about them on his first boarding of the _Normandy._

"The first prototype. But unstable, high output. Illegal. The Spiders ran, but the Reds found out about the rounds. They were my gang, they looked out for me, and the Spiders were killing them every day. So I sold to them."

He could see where this was going.

She raised her chin. "The Spiders were massacred. I had to give them some means of defence, so I sold to them. Since they couldn't fight each other anymore, the Reds and the Spiders found new enemies, and I had to sell to them. Then the mobsters found out, and 'no' wasn't an option."

"And before you knew it every gang in Moscow was using your mod."

"I didn't know I was committing a crime." She laughed a short, self-deprecating laugh. "I thought the worst I was doing was evading taxes. And it was so good. I had money, I could eat until I wasn't hungry, I had clothes and battery packs, I wasn't cold. I had a bed and a security mech to take night watch."

He felt his heart soften. She had just been a kid. The Alliance man in him had seen arms dealers destabilise whole regions, on Earth and off it, for their own selfish gain. But the friend in him knew that there wasn't a selfish bone in Ivy's body. The more he chipped away at her cold, calculating exterior the more he saw someone kind, gentle, and deeply hurt.

"How did you get out?" he asked.

She gave a small, genuinely affectionate smile. "Father Mills, the Red Crystal chaplain. The Alliance were looking for a career criminal, I didn't know they were after me, but he figured it out. He took me to a safehouse, had the Red Crystal lawyers take on my case, helped me prepare for Alliance pre-enlistment. Military service was his idea, the lawyers negotiated a deal for me. Suspended life sentence, dependent on good behaviour."

"So that's what you're worried about. You think they're going to make you serve out your sentence."

"No," she said sharply, finally looking at him. "No. I've just seen how quickly 'the only option' can escalate. The rules are there for a reason. One person's judgement – "

"Not just any person's." He broke the cardinal rule and interrupted her. He wouldn't let her finish that thought. "You're in the right, Shepard. You might've been a stupid kid a long time ago, but you're not that kid anymore. You're a damn fine officer, and it's been a privilege serving under you."

She smiled, weakly, but looking more like herself, not this frozen woman who had replaced her. "Thank you."

"So are you up for this?"

She laughed. "Saren doesn't stand a chance."

He relaxed. She was back. "You think so, huh?"

"I know so."

Those smiles were coming so easily to her now. The smiles she flashed when she had just blown up a volcano or watched a thorian slump to the ground. The smiles that made his heart thump, that made the thought of losing her unbearable.

"Just don't get cocky out there, soldier," he said, lowering his voice. "I'm not losing you."

"Of course you aren't," she murmured, her smile softening. "We're in this together."

He knew that if he was going to keep this friendly he needed to leave, now. Leaving himself a way out was a matter of habit, but that didn't cut it with Ivy. She didn't understand subtlety and didn't like it. If he wanted to move forward, he had to put himself out there.

So he reached out and took her hand, startling her. She didn't pull back, looking up at him with wide, questioning eyes. She really was a beautiful woman. He slid his fingers through hers, her hand small and warm in his.

_Don't hesitate._

"I'm not losing you," he repeated.

She ran her thumb over the back of his hand. His heart thumped.

"I can take on the universe when you're with me," she said.

He didn't know which one of them moved first, but her hands were on his face, pulling him down to her and his hands were on her waist, pulling her into him.

It was so natural to kiss her. Her lips were soft under his, her fingers curled in his hair. She leaned against him and he pulled her closer, closer. He wanted to feel more of her. He slid a hand up her back, pressing her tightly against him and kept kissing her, sucking at her bottom lip, every second making his need burn hotter until his breathing was ragged.

She stretched up, pushing her mouth more firmly against his, pressing her breasts against his chest. He teased her lips open and touched the tip of his tongue to hers, eliciting a small sound at the back of her throat. A sigh of contentment escaped him. He kept going, running his tongue along hers, lapping at her mouth, tasting her. She tasted as good as she smelled. With one hand he pushed her hair back from her face, then twisted his fingers through it, letting him both cradle and guide her, pull her closer. He broke the kiss to bury his nose in her hair, breathe in the scent, drop kisses along her hairline.

Ivy was breathing hard against his neck, the sound, the stilted rush of warmth feeding the pressure building underneath his skin. The feeling of her lips against his skin, hesitant, experimental kisses on his collarbone sent a thrill through him. He let go of her hair to run his fingertips up her ribs, through the soft cotton of her shirt. She whimpered into his neck.

Some distant, muffled part of his brain – that hadn't devoted itself to the smell of her hair or the taste of her skin or the way her nails were digging into his shoulders – knew that he was going too fast. He eyed the bed anyway. She was short enough that he was almost having to lift her up to kiss her. They didn't have to go too far, he reasoned, he just didn't want her to sprain something.

So he captured her mouth again and eased her backwards, encouraging her to lie down. She dragged him down with her, not letting go of him, and he just managed to disentangle one arm to catch himself. Together they crawled up the bed, trying not to separate, still trading kisses until she lay down against her pillows and he covered her.

Their new position was deeply interesting. Their legs tangled together, his knee between her thighs, their hips touching. She was soft and strong underneath him. He stroked her side as she parted her lips again, this time she was the one insistently moving them forward and he met her eagerness, kiss for kiss. Her hands were on his shoulders, his back, restless, digging in her nails, running down his arms. She'd tug on his hair, sending little shocks through him.

The room was too hot, maybe it was his skin, or hers. He hadn't made out with a girl like this since he was a teenager, a slow, thorough exploration of each other, the sound of gasps and grunts and whimpers echoing off the walls. He'd break the kiss occasionally to nuzzle at her ear or neck, pressing kisses against her skin that drew startled moans out of her. When he bit down on her earlobe she nearly came off the bed, suddenly pressed flush against him, writhing and gasping. He smiled into her hair and kept sucking, enjoying the way she was rubbing against him, her thigh restlessly stroking his inner leg.

When he released her ear she sunk down into the bed, still panting. Her eyes were hazy, her lips swollen, her hair wild. She was even more beautiful than the first time he'd seen her. He smoothed back the unruly curl on her forehead, just like he'd wanted to do then. Then, gently, as gently as he could, he traced the edges of the scar on her face, following it from her ear to her eye.

"Does it hurt?" he asked, his voice coming out hoarse.

She half smiled. "N-n-n-n..."

She gave a short laugh and shook her head.

He kissed her on the lips, short and chaste, then trailed his hand down her arms where they rested against his shoulders. First her right, then her left, feeling the scars, then down the unmarred skin of her inner arm. He spread out his hand along the line of her neck and made his way along her collarbone and over her shoulder. She was shaking when he made his way down her ribs, breathing hard when he nudged her shirt up her belly and stroked her bare skin.

Her eyes were fixed on his face, unblinking, when he pulled her shirt back into place and stroked upwards again, just brushing the underside of her breast. Her chest was rising and falling sharply, her breathing coming in hard puffs through parted lips. She gave no permission or objection, so he took a chance and gently cupped her breast. Her eyes drifted closed and she shifted, pushing herself further into his palm. She had the most perfect breasts he had ever seen, all the better in his hands. He squeezed gently and she whimpered. He flicked his thumb over her nipple and she moaned.

There was a new sense of urgency in their movements and they came back together, kissing and groping. Kaidan pressed her further down into the mattress, angling his hips to relieve just a little of the pressure in his groin. Ivy was pressing back, moaning when she clamped her legs around his knee and he could feel her burning hot even through his trousers.

He couldn't take this too far.

_Good luck with that._ It had gone too far already.

Somehow they had started grinding against each other, their legs locked. It felt amazing, good enough that he had to pull away from her mouth, he was breathing too hard. He rested his forehead against her shoulder. Taking it slow? She was going to get him off without a single piece of clothing removed.

He forced himself to stop moving, pulling back a little from her, separating their bodies enough to let blood flow back into his brain. If this was her first time, and he suspected that it was, he needed to make sure that she was ready, both physically and mentally. He couldn't go charging into this like a horny teenager. She was tough as nails, but also damaged. If they were going to do this it had to be done right.

Ivy looked at him, questioning. She was stroking the back of his neck, and that wasn't helping his resolve.

"Too fast," he said. "I don't want to rush you."

Ivy tugged at the hem of his shirt. "I'm not afraid."

_I love you_.

Leaning forward, he kissed her jaw, murmured into her hair. "Are you on birth control?"

A short nod from her was all the permission he needed. He sat back and let her pull his shirt over his head, then discard it on the floor. Then he urged her to sit up, one of his arms around her back to support her, and did the same with hers. Her hands pressed flat against his sides, skin against bare skin, she kissed him again, flattening her body against his, warm and so smooth. The skin of her back was burning hot, and he became frustrated that he couldn't run his hand down it uninterrupted. He fumbled with the clasp of her bra, taking a few tries before it gave way and he could stroke her from hip to shoulder, feel her shiver under his touch.

Ivy was impatient, her hands skittering over his back, pulling him closer, tugging down on the waistband of his trousers. He felt a throb of arousal, she was eager, she was anxious to take this further. That was something he could give her.

To get his boots off he needed to stand up, hating to leave Ivy flushed and breathless, alone on the bed. She whimpered when he pulled away, but as soon as he'd done away with his shoes he grabbed her by the ankles and bodily pulled her to the edge of the bed, winning himself a peal of laughter. He knelt beside the bed, between her legs, and tugged off each of her boots in turn. He undid her belt and she lifted up her hips, helping him to rid her of the last of her clothing.

And what a sight to see. His commanding officer, not a stitch of clothing on her, legs demurely closed, lip caught between her teeth. It was everything he'd imagined since those first moments of seeing her. He could go one better.

With open hands Kaidan gently urged her knees apart. She made a small sound of embarrassment, but let him. He kissed the inside of her knee and she started trembling. Beautiful. He didn't push her any further, instead shuffling back between her knees and wrapping his arms around her waist. She relaxed into the embrace.

_I love you._

The barest turn of his head and he could kiss her breast, full and soft and smooth. He nibbled the underside, drawing a grasp from her. He felt her fingers thread through his hair, keeping him close to her. Her nipples were light pink, stark against her pale skin, pebbled under his breath. He took one in his mouth and sucked gently, flicked his tongue over it, bit down so softly. The noises she made were shooting straight to his groin, her hands clutched him tighter.

Leaving one arm around her, he brought up his hand to attend to her other breast. Stroking, squeezing, rolling her nipple between his fingertips. She was moaning unashamedly, her face buried in his hair, her arms a vice around his shoulders. If he had to guess, he'd say she was ready for more.

He kissed his way up her neck to her jaw and she met his lips, her kiss long and desperate. Still palming her breast, he nuzzled her face. "More?"

"Yes, yes K-K-Kaidan I n-need..."

Pressing one palm to the base of her spine to steady her, he slid two fingers into the curls between her legs. She dropped her forehead to his and exhaled sharply. He closed his eyes. She was so wet. He rubbed her slowly, aimlessly, trying to get her used to the feeling of being touched, trying not to think about how it would feel to be inside her. His control was slipping, but he had to do this right, he didn't want to hurt her.

When her breathing had mostly evened out he pushed one finger inside her. A tremor of anticipation ran through him. Some delirious part of his mind thought that he might find religion by the time he was done here, if she was half as tight and hot as she felt.

Ivy's eyes were squeezed shut in concentration, her lips parted, her breath matching his as both of them struggled for air. He worked her slowly, in and out, feeling every twitch, every throb that kicked the tension in her body up, the muscles in her legs strung tight. Her breathing wasn't even anymore, it was coming in time with his fingers, and when she was too far gone to feel any discomfort he slid another finger into her. She moaned and bucked against his hand.

"Oh, g-g-g-god... Kaidan, d-d-don't st...st..."

_I love you._

He wanted to keep going. God, did he want to keep going. To have her come in his arms, around his hand, would be incredible. But if he let her come now then when it came to the next part he would hurt her, so he withdrew his hand.

Ivy cried out in frustration, her expression turning from dazed to murderous.

He kissed away her angry scowl. "Lie back."

With her eyes still on him, she scooted back to where she had been before, resting up against the pillows. Kaidan pushed his trousers down his hips, aware of her eyes intently lingering over his chest. There was curiosity in her eyes as she looked at him, naked in front of her.

He crawled onto the bed, made his way up her body, pausing to kiss her knees, the sweet spot of her hip, the white scar on her collarbone, the underside of her jaw. Everything about her was decadent, sweet, soft, not words he would usually associate with a marine.

Their lips met, a kiss more affectionate than anxious. The wait was done. She bent one knee, an invitation. He took her up on it. Settling back on his heels, he used one hand to position himself, then slowly, deliberately pushed into her.

Oh, god. She was just as tight as he had thought, the pressure was almost unbearably good. He felt her stiffen, heard her let out her breath in a hiss, and he forced himself to finish his first thrust, then stop. It had been a while, he knew he wasn't going to last as long as he'd like. She twitched around him, nearly making him forget himself and press forward further.

Ivy took a few deep breaths, the colour in her face high, then relaxed slightly. She gave him a nod.

Kaidan leaned forward, bringing them close together. When she leaned up to kiss him he slipped an arm behind her head, balancing his weight on his forearm and pillowing her. Then he pulled out of her and pushed in again, starting a painstakingly slow rhythm that took every ounce of self-control he had.

She was still breathing with a forced control, but she was relaxing, becoming responsive. He peppered the side of her face with kisses, wishing he could tell her how good she felt. He felt her legs wrap around his hips, her heels resting on his tailbone. It changed the angle to something that bent his mind, each extended thrust hitting deeper. She had no idea what she was doing to him.

"Yes..." she whispered.

She didn't know to meet his movements yet, but she was strong, pressing back against him, creating enough friction to drive him crazy. He increased his pace and she moaned. Yes.

_I love you._

He felt her breasts rubbing against his chest, bouncing slightly with each thrust, he felt her hands clamp down on his shoulders, fingers digging into his skin, he felt the rush of air every time she moaned. Mostly he felt her, hot and wet around him, twitching, tightening.

He was actually here, inside Ivy, his CO, the first human Spectre, the woman he loved. It was her moaning his name, kicking soft heels into his back, arching into his chest.

She stuttered, unashamed, in long, broken sentences. "K-K-Kaidan I n-n-need... d-don't stop... more, please, m-m-m-more..."

He shortened his strokes, driving into her faster, and she cried out. Her whole body was tightening, and he could feel a tension winding tight in his lower gut. He wasn't going to last. He drew back a little and slid his hand between them to thumb her clit.

Ivy started against him, a cry escaping her mouth. They were making love in earnest now, their hips meeting in a strong, constant rhythm that was winding Kaidan tighter, Ivy a mess in his arms, moaning loud enough to wake the dead. His body was scrabbling for release, grabbing hold of the pressure in his groin and screaming at him to let it overtake him.

She was close, restlessly rising against him, constricting around him, her back arching, her moans reaching a feverish peak.

"Kaidan... I... I don't... what's..."

He kissed the side of her face. "Just let it happen, sweetheart."

Her moans died, replaced by sharp, desperate breaths. Her body tensed, stilled. She threw her head back against the pillows and let out a strangled yell, then her body convulsed, she surged upwards and he held her tight, anchoring her.

She was squeezing around him, and he forgot all his restraint, racing towards the edge with her still moaning helplessly in the throes of her own release. There, just like that, a little more...

He came, white hot stabs of pleasure, so sharp it was almost too much. He shuddered against her, spots bursting in front of his eyes. Yes... yes...

When the world righted itself they were breathing hard against each others' shoulders. Kaidan raised his head, dazed, to look at her.

Ivy looked stunned. She stared at him for a moment, then a grin spread across her face. She laughed breathlessly. He laughed with her, scattering kisses against her shoulder as he did. He felt a little hysterical in the wake. That was the best sex he ever had.

"Oh, my god," she laughed. "Did you call me 'sweetheart'?"

He rolled off her and pulled her in to lie tucked under his arm. She rolled onto his chest bonelessly. "What can I say? Heat of the moment."

"That was amazing."

"Well, I try."

She snorted and sat up, looking down at herself. "How does cleanup usually work, here?"

"Bathroom," he said.

She nodded as she climbed to her feet, then wobbled her way toward her private bathroom on unsteady legs.

Kaidan couldn't kill the grin on his face. If they were going to be breaking regs, they'd chosen the right ones to break. Post-coital tiredness was creeping over him in the dark room, and by the time Ivy crawled into bed with him he could barely keep his eyes open. He opened his arms for her and she obligingly curled up against his side, her head resting on his chest.

"I have faith in you," he said.

He felt her smile against his chest. "Thank you."

That was the last thing he could remember before drifting off to sleep.


	23. The Big Smoke

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 22**

**The Big Smoke**

* * *

_Three_

* * *

When Lazarus went missing, the whole security team had agreed to keep it quiet. Anderson wasn't freaking out, he said it was probably a day trip, so they hadn't told high command yet.

James had no idea where an AI went for fun. They had done some searching on security cameras, tried facial recognition, but nothing came up. Some of them had scouted on foot, checking in on known Cerberus agents to make sure she wasn't trying to defect again, but if there was one thing she was good at, it was disappearing.

Her tracker came back online about four hours after they noticed her missing, just as the sun was starting to go down. James drew the short straw; his foot search had taken him closest to where she was, out at English Bay. So that answered that question; AIs went to the beach for fun.

He'd been playing babysitter for nearly six months. She hadn't given them any trouble on Arcturus, but Anderson had warned them that Vancouver would be different.

It was easy enough to spot her even without the tracker. She was probably the only person at the beach wearing a wool hat and gloves in the middle of summer, huge sunglasses covering her eyes. She'd picked up some new clothes, too. Expensive ones. So the Alliance would probably be writing a few checks to department stores. She was sitting on a park bench on the green, a six pack of beer half-finished beside her and her omnitool open.

James sat down next to her. "Hey, Lola. Taking a little field trip?"

"I wanted to see the city," she said without looking up.

"Yeah, well, don't we all. Thought you would have had your fill of city life when Anderson took you to the Citadel. How'd you get the cuffs off?"

"I had a bobby pin."

"Those were mag cuffs, no external lock."

"I had a bobby pin."

He should have been pissed off at her for causing them so much trouble, but she was like a little kid sometimes. Like one of those savants who could calculate pi to a million digits but couldn't tie their own shoelaces.

"Alright, bobby pin. How about those clothes, then? Don't suppose you paid real money for those."

Lazarus looked up from her omnitool and frowned. "They froze my accounts. All of them."

"They're Shepard's accounts, that can't surprise you."

"Not the Cerberus account."

"They're not letting you keep millions in terrorist funding? Loco."

She didn't answer, instead taking a swig of her beer and looking out over the bay. It was a nice view, for Canada, the sun turned the ocean all pink and orange as it set. Lazarus didn't look impressed by it, but then she'd seen the black holes at the centre of the galaxy, so he guessed this view was pretty tame by comparison.

They sat in silence for several minutes, watching the sun sink down over the bay. Most accused terrorists didn't get day leave from the Alliance high security cells, but their orders had been clear when it came to Lazarus: don't piss her off. He wasn't about to drag her in before she was ready to go, and he wasn't sure that he could.

"So, tell me, Lola," he said. "What's it going to take to get you to come back with me?"

She looked around. "You didn't bring backup. That's against regs."

"Didn't think I needed it."

He saw himself reflected in her sunglasses when she looked at him. "Didn't they tell you? I'm an AI. Dangerous. No compassion."

"Yeah, they told me."

"I could kill you. I could make it look like a suicide."

Like a little, bratty kid. "You gonna forge a note for me, too?"

"I could make it look like we ran away together. They'd lose our trail somewhere past Andromeda. I'd send your family a letter from you, telling them not to come after us, that we're happy together. It would be touching."

Her monotone description of them eloping made James laugh. "Yeah, I bet you could."

"So why didn't you bring backup?"

"They tell me a lot of things about you. Mostly technobabble about implants and whatever. Here's the thing." He looked at her omnitool. "I never met an AI who reads the sports section."

Lazarus looked at her omnitool, then back to him. She leaned back against the park bench and sighed, dropping the bravado. "Lions didn't even make the qualifier."

He felt a surge of pride. He didn't usually win a match of wits with her. Hell, she usually left him in the dust. "Yeah, they got a new coach a few years back, he's not so good."

"I see that."

"So how'd you get the omnitool working? Please don't say a bobby pin or I'm going to have to clean all the sharp objects out of your cell."

"Found a soldering kit."

"Stole one, you mean. You know you're not allowed extranet access."

"Afraid I'll do some terrorism?"

"You have a history of it. You're not helping your case with this little jailbreak. Come on, Lola, we both know you're coming back with me. Just tell me what you want."

She drank another mouthful of beer and stayed silent for a while, before asking, "Did I kill the man on the _Normandy_?"

"Who, Long? He survived, got out of traction a few weeks ago. He's back on active duty, as far as I know. He used to be one of Shepard's men, I think he's taken worse hits."

That seemed to throw her, her lips turned down at the corners. "That wasn't in my information."

"All of Shepard's work was classified."

She shook her head. "I want a status report on my crew members in custody. I want my hood, my gun, some food that isn't protein bars and I want to talk to EDI."

"No promises, but I'll see what I can do. I can get your VI's reports released to you, that project is–"

"No," she cut him off. "Not reports, I want to talk to her."

James sighed. Brat. "I'll talk to Anderson."

"Alright."

She stood up and started back toward the road. James jumped to his feet, catching her in just a few strides. "Hey, hey, can we at least pretend I have you in custody? I've got an image to maintain, here."

"So do I," she said.

He grinned. "Was that a joke, Lola? You're gonna have to do better than that if you want a reputation as a soulless robot."

"You'll need to use cuffs if you want to be seen as a thug."

"Keep moving, niñata." He nudged her back with his knuckles, keeping her ahead of him. She wasn't bad at the whole AI gig, but he didn't believe that was all there was to it.

Still, she didn't look back at the last rays of sun over the bay when he loaded her into the transport. She seemed to have forgotten she had ever been watching a sunset.


	24. Electroshock

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 23**

**Electroshock**

* * *

_Two_

* * *

Lazarus bit down on the rubber tube between her teeth. The shock was initiated, causing her to lose control of her muscles. A series of contractions made her rise off the stretcher, straining against the straps at her chest, wrists and ankles. An involuntary sound came from her throat. Saliva bubbled up from her mouth and trailed down her chin.

Dr. Solus turned off the current. She relaxed back against the stretcher. This experience was not painful. She had been warned of unpleasantness, but aside from the momentary loss of control, none was apparent. The continued spasms of her muscles would fade within minutes. Excess bodily fluids could be cleaned.

"One more," Dr. Solus said. His voice was low and strained. She was able to detect emotions with more finesse now. The salarian was upset. The source of his distress was not apparent.

The current activated again. Lazarus heard the sounds she was making. A muscle in her abdomen spasmed and she felt a thin trickle of urine down her thigh. Her sight became disoriented, unfocused. There was a slight pain this time, an ache in her lower back. Exertion, overuse, not dangerous.

The shock ended and she collapsed. The expenditure of energy on this procedure was not proportional to her involvement. This platform needed rest.

"Done," said Dr. Solus. He removed the bit from her mouth and wiped away her saliva. He was gentle, as if afraid to hurt her. One by one he removed her restraints, then helped her sit up. Her muscles were still twitching and she thought they might give out. It would pass.

The salarian handed her a box of sterile wipes and her clothing. She stripped out of the white cotton gown and started to clean herself.

"Anything new to report?" he asked.

"No," she lied. She considered this progress, she had never been inclined to lie before.

In truth she had experienced an anomaly on Horizon. A single word produced by her memory, an instinct attached to that word.

_Kaidan._

When she had first seen Alenko, Kaidan – human, Systems Alliance Navy, heartrate tachycardic, blood type A+, current status classified – she had known his name before her visor provided his dossier.

And a feeling. Intangible. She had made several attempts at analysis, but produced no results. This irrational urge that confused previously structured thought processes told her only that she could not let Cerberus know that she had recognised this human.

Although it was irresponsible to deprive Dr. Solus of relevant data she had decided to let it go unnoticed. EDI's database had made emotion sound like an additional layer of predictable reaction to stimuli, granting greater insight. The new information lacked context, but her crew unanimously agreed that emotional response was desirable, so she heeded the instinct. She could tell Dr. Solus about her progress the next time they were out of broadcast range.

Until then she had to continue her treatment.

She dressed in her Cerberus sweats and mask. The Cerberus had agreed to her request for long sleeves and gloves after a short, fruitless interrogation.

"Any vertigo, nausea?"

"Vertigo," she confirmed.

"Lie down. Give it time."

Lazarus obeyed. Since her episode of malnutrition Dr. Solus and the Cerberus had been exhaustive in their physical care. The Cerberus ran tests, added monitors to her hardsuit, ensured she was at optimum operating condition at all times. Dr. Solus asked questions and hesitated to treat anomalies with pharmaceuticals.

The former was more efficient, the latter was less intrusive.

The former was convenient for her daily routine, but directly after her injections and ECT she found something preferable about the latter.

"Feeling anything?" Dr. Solus asked.

"Clarify."

"Emotion. Happy, sad?"

Lazarus considered his question. The first time she had been posed a similar query she had easily responded in the negative, but with time and treatment her answer was becoming more complex. She was not happy or sad, but there were psychological responses present that had not been there previously.

These new sensations were difficult to put into words. EDI had provided an encyclopedic list of common human emotions and their definitions, but she was unable to make immediate associations between a dominant thought process and its descriptor.

She thought that Kaidan and the correlation between protecting him and protecting herself had directly affected this confusion.

"I feel... uncertain," she said.

"Hmm. Anxious? Nervous?"

"No." Those descriptors were too strong for her confusion. All she knew was that in her mind were thoughts that did not fit into any of her analysis, that came from unfounded sources and led to no solid conclusion.

_Kaidan._

"EDI, analysis," Dr. Solus said.

EDI glowed into her physical form. "Uncertain. Adjective. Not reliable or constant, indeterminate."

"Yes," said Lazarus. That was how she felt.

For the first time since she had started forming memories outside the prothean beacon, her thoughts felt fallible. If she drew a conclusion from a set of data, she could no longer guarantee its accuracy. That left her feeling... uncertain.

The salarian started pacing. "Emotions not cohesive? No, too stable. Aftershocks effecting mental state? Too weak. Subjective analysis inaccurate? Hmm, tests."

As he moved past her to access his equipment, he paused. Lazarus watched, almost curious, as he applied his hand to her forehead, through her mask, and spread his fingers sideways. The motion had no apparent purpose. "Will find the answer, Lazarus," he said. "Treatment will work."

He removed his hand and moved away.

Lazarus ran a quick analysis of the action. She came up blank. It served nothing.

EDI spoke, "The Illusive Man would like to speak to you in the briefing room, Lazarus."

"Am I cleared?" she asked.

Mordin made a waving gesture with his hand. "Yes. Sit down if you feel more vertigo."

She rose from the bed and made her way out of the lab. In the hallway she stopped. The Illusive Man could wait between two and eight minutes for her presence. She had acclimatised herself to using EDI for information between bouts of their surveillance battle, so long as her queries did not directly indicate her state of mind.

"EDI," she said. "Explain Dr. Solus' hand gesture."

"Dr. Solus made several hand gestures during our last meeting. Please clarify which one you would like analysed."

"He touched my forehead."

There was a pause. "Organic species can find physical contact comforting in times of distress. I can send you a report on the behaviour."

"Yes. What caused Dr. Solus distress?"

"There may be several contributing factors. Dr. Solus and Operative Lawson have had multiple discussions regarding the ethical implications of electroconvulsive therapy, the nature of informed consent and the possible physiological damage."

Strange. He had been the one to recommend the therapy.

"Send me the report and log me out."

"Logging you out, Lazarus."

Lazarus continued to the briefing room. Of all the areas on the _Normandy_ , this was the one that gave her the most concern. Worse than the fishtank, this room barely justified its own existence. A space for conversation, somehow more suited for the purpose than every other room. The communication link was expensive, space-consuming and utterly unnecessary. It provided nothing that couldn't be achieved by a standard video call.

The foreign protective instinct flared inside her again. Cerberus was vain. Cerberus was self-aggrandising. Cerberus wasted resources on self-important frivolities instead of using the funds to save lives.

Cerberus couldn't know about Kaidan.

She took up position in the centre of the room and waited for the holographic imager to scan her. It was a strange light that surrounded her, barely penetrating the fabric of her mask. Ultraviolet, she assumed, the kestrel favoured infrared.

"Lazarus," the Illusive Man said.

If she had unmonitored access to a database she would have looked up which white giants were in the process of collapsing and which would sustain a stable orbit. The star that always accompanied this man, verging on supernova, was distinctive. She wanted further information, to either justify his position or point out the irrationality of placing himself next to an aesthetically pleasing star instead of one that was difficult to identify.

"Illusive Man," she replied.

"How did Horizon go?"

"I submitted my report."

"I want to hear it from you."

Lazarus frowned. This served no purpose. "Approximately two thirds of the colonists were saved. The Collector ship was damaged but operational. Intelligence and technology were retrieved."

"And Commander Alenko?" He took a breath through a lit cigarette. Another vanity. Cigarettes were carcinogenic.

"Contact was made, no incidents."

"I had hoped that seeing Alenko would help with your treatments. Miranda is optimistic."

Lazarus was unsure how to answer him. His hope had been founded, but she was still missing data, she didn't know why he had hoped for this progress in relation to Kaidan. "This platform has come into contact with Shepard's crew before Horizon."

"Kaidan Alenko wasn't just any crew member on the first _Normandy_. He was Shepard's lover."

If he was waiting for some reaction, he got none. None of her documentation listed the term 'lover'. The wording of his dramatic non-revelation was a new data point, though.

"You think the Collectors were looking for him."

"I think they were looking for you."

"You arranged the attack on Horizon."

"I had a feeling that they might show up if Commander Alenko was there."

"Arrange another."

She had spent countless, pointless hours looking for a pattern in the Collector strikes. If they could get ahead of them they could make plans to take down a ship, acquire their technology, methods of communication, the intelligence would be priceless.

"I'm afraid I can't. The Alliance has pulled him from colony duty, his new mission is classified so far that even Cerberus can't get the information. No need to worry, our suspicions were confirmed, the Collectors are hunting you. Keep building your team, they'll catch up to you soon enough."

That didn't help her.

"I need more information."

"We're still digging. As soon as we know something, so will you."

She didn't believe that, but she also didn't believe that voicing her objections would change her status. "Dig deeper."

"We'll talk again when I have something for you, Lazarus."

She nodded shortly and deactivated the imager. The scope of the information being withheld from her was becoming apparent. She needed to contact the Alliance or the Council at her first opportunity, start laying the groundwork for defection. An independent operation might be of more use to her if she could secure third party funding.

She stepped away from the conference table and watched it rise from the floor.

"EDI," she said.

"Please specify a request, Lazarus."

"Define 'lover'."

"Lover, noun, one who loves another, especially one who feels sexual love."

That definition seemed deliberately confusing. "Define 'love'."

"Love, noun,a deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness."

What? "Define 'underlying oneness'."

"No further definition available, would you like a query report from your preset template?"

"Yes. Define 'kinship'."

"Kinship, noun, connection by blood, marriage, or adoption; family relationship. Relationship by nature or character; affinity."

"Define 'family'."

"Family, noun, two or more people who share goals and values, have long-term commitments to one another, and reside usually in the same dwelling place."

The definition of Kaidan seemed to polarise between incomprehensible and obvious. Of course he had shared mutual goals and commitments with Shepard. He had been her subordinate. She needed more data.

"Log me out, EDI."

"Logging you out."

There was no more information to be found on this ship, she needed to get out into the galaxy and find out what a lover was, and why she should care.


	25. Don't Fear the Reaper

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 24**

**Don't Fear the Reaper**

* * *

_Three_

* * *

The defence committee wasn't listening. At least they didn't want to listen.

Three fleet admirals sat behind a big desk while Kaidan gave them the rundown of the _Normandy's_ status, the biotic presence in the fleet, the overall readiness of Earth's defences. There wasn't much he could say – they weren't looking for opinions.

Something huge was on the long-range scanners, something big enough to mobilise the entire fleet. There was only one thing it could be and they didn't want to hear it from him. He had watched Shepard work, she wouldn't storm the council, try to get them to listen. She'd strike them off the list of potential assets and move on. He didn't have any other role model now that he'd been offered Spectre status, he had to look to her.

So he gave them his report and left.

Anderson was waiting outside, approached him. He wasn't alone.

Behind him, stood Lazarus, its face masked. He'd heard that it was in custody. He'd met James Vega, its primary custodian. The shock wasn't as bad as when he'd seen it on Horizon.

"How'd it go in there, Major?"

"Okay, I think. Hard to know. I'm just waiting for orders now." He looked at Lazarus, its wrists were together but uncuffed. "No cuffs, sir?"

The admiral gave a wry scoff. "We had to implant them. It gave us a little trouble after touchdown. We've managed to hack a few of her systems, she's safe."

It looked so lifelike. Shepard's lips were set in a straight line. Shepard's hands rested against each other. It even had Shepard's air of bored indifference. Like it just happened to be heading the same way as Anderson and had decided to wear restraints.

He noticed James Vega watching Anderson, looking wary. He was a good choice. If Lazarus was anything like Shepard it would outsmart their best tech, but would be helpless when confronted with a wall of muscle.

"Is it safe with the defence council?" he asked.

"Wherever Shepard is, rest her soul, her troublemaking tendencies are alive and well and walking about my base. Unfortunately, I don't have much choice right now."

Kaidan could swear he saw the flicker of a grin pass over Vega's face.

"Do you think they'll listen to it?"

Anderson looked tired at the prospect. "As far as they're concerned, as far as we're all concerned as of now, this is Commander Shepard, in custody for her crimes at Bahak."

A voice called the admiral into the council while Kaidan's mind was still twisting around that concept.

"Stay safe, niñata," the lieutenant murmured.

It didn't reply. As it stepped forward Anderson did something on his omnitool and its wrists were released. Just like that, there was a Cerberus AI unshackled in their home with the Reapers bearing down on them.

He stepped back with Vega, watched them walk into the council room.

"Did you know the Commander?" Vega asked.

"Yeah, I did. It looks like I'm about to get to know Lazarus. I'm headed to the _Normandy,_ brief me on the way."

The refitted ship was almost ready for commission, the specifics of the crew hadn't been worked out, or if they had no one had told him, but he knew that he'd be on it, and now he was certain Lazarus would be, as well.

He started toward the hangar and Vega followed him. "What do you need to know, Major?"

"Tell me what we're up against."

"If I'm honest, sir, nothing. Lazarus has made a little mischief, but she hasn't ever gone too far."

"It's not a 'she', Lieutenant. Humour me, here."

Vega nodded, growing more serious. "Well I haven't seen her... _it_ in action, but she's smart, she's fast and she can break open a pair of maglink cuffs with a bobby pin. I wouldn't want to meet her down a dark alley."

That sounded about right. "Is it cooperating?"

"Yes, sir. Apart from her day trip and a little fun, she hasn't caused us any problems."

"Day trip?" he stopped walking, the lieutenant nearly stumbling at the sudden halt.

"Uh, yes, sir. She wanted to see English Bay, gave us the slip for a couple of hours. She came back willingly..."

Kaidan didn't listen to the rest of his explanation. A chill shot down his spine. His parents lived on English Bay. They had a terrorist responsible for three hundred thousand deaths loose and unmonitored in his parents' neighbourhood.

"What?" he asked. "How did it get out of your custody?"

"We think she took the vents. We triple sealed them and Anderson had her cuffs implanted after that. It was no big deal, she just wanted some real food and reports on her crew in custody."

"It's not a 'she'," he reiterated, making eye contact to see that Vega understood. Kaidan kept walking. "Do me a favour and try to remember that no matter what we're calling that thing, Commander Shepard is dead."

The words came out with more bile than he'd intended. He'd put up with this farce if he had to, Shepard wouldn't have wanted his emotions to get in the way of defeating the Reapers, but he was only going to pretend as far as he was ordered. He wasn't going to let his crew delude themselves into thinking that it was real. Lazarus was a resource, not a person. After the Reapers were gone he'd personally oversee getting it shut down and her body laid to rest.

"Yes, sir," Vega said, sounding properly chastened. "Commander Shepard is..."

His words petered out when a siren sounded. No, it wasn't a siren, it was something different, something lower, a single resounding note that he'd heard somewhere before...

"Get down!" he yelled just before the first shock hit. He managed to brace himself against the wall and avoid getting thrown off his feet. The force of the blow slammed him into the wall, bruising his ribs for sure. He grunted in pain as he pushed himself standing again. James looked to him and he grabbed the bigger man's shirt, pushing him forward. "Get to the _Normandy_ , now!"

They weren't far from the landing pad, but the phrase 'all hell breaks loose' had never been so fitting. People flooded the halls, running in all directions, and the shocks kept coming. There were no windows in the hallway, but Kaidan didn't need them to know what was going on outside. The Reaper klaxon kept sounding, he could hear explosions and smell burning, he kept running, as fast as he could without trampling anyone.

The base sirens were joining the Reaper blasts, sounding the evacuation, men were arming themselves and the crowds were getting organised, falling into the drill.

When they broke out onto the landing pad, Kaidan looked, but didn't let himself feel it. He counted five Reapers, all with their particle beams tearing through civilian areas. In front of his eyes a skyscraper crumbled, dust billowing up above the skyline. It looked like the whole city was on fire.

_Keep moving._

The _Normandy_ was already fired up. James was still running beside him.

"Joker, in the air, now!" he yelled into his radio as he made the last dash to the ship and helped Vega up into the loading bay. "Activate the stealth drive, don't engage the Reapers, we're going to evacuate the principals."

Around them everything that could fly was lifting into the air. Traffic control must have gone down. If any pilot could get them out safely, it was Joker.

When the bay door ground shut and they broke away from the landing pad, Kaidan couldn't see it anymore. It was all seared into the backs of his eyelids, the city where he grew up burning to the ground. Even through the pressurised hull he could hear the Reapers.

It was finally happening. That day Shepard had warned them about on Eden Prime had come.

His mind wouldn't wrap around it. Shock. He knew shock. He was grateful for it, it left him calm. In another few hours it would all hit him, but for the moment he was the ranking officer aboard the _Normandy_ , and he was calm.

"Joker, report."

Joker's voice was tinged with anxiety in his ear. "We have multiple hostiles, Major. There are five Sovereign-class Reapers in the city, eight smaller ships. They're dropping pods of husks into the city. And it's not just here, Alenko, the entire globe just lit up. Every city on Earth is under attack."

"Do we have word on the Defence Council?"

"They've taken a shuttle out of the city, what's left of them. The _Shiloh_ is on intercept. Hang on... I'm getting a signal from Anderson, patching it through."

His earpiece crackled before resolving into a clear signal. _"Normandy,_ this is Anderson. Do you read?"

"Admiral, what's your location?"

"By a downed gunship in the harbour. I'm activating its distress beacon. Send support, we've got wounded down here."

"Joker, find that distress beacon and get us there. EDI, alert emergency response, get anyone they can spare down to that gunship."

"The request is sent, Major Alenko," EDI replied immediately.

Joker's response was a little slower. "It's not exactly smooth sailing out here, Major. Half the fleet just sent out distress beacons."

"Just get us to the harbour."

There was nothing to do. As soon as his earpiece went silent he wanted more orders to give, more plans to make. Something, anything but the sound of that Reaper blare echoing in the hold. Vega was pacing, obviously caught up in the same thought.

But there was nothing to do but wait until Joker announced their arrival, the bay door opening outwards over the remains of a dreadnought that had been fully intact ten minutes ago. Anderson was running for them, Lazarus behind him, covering him. Kaidan wanted to yell at it to keep moving, that it wasn't safe out there, it couldn't just cover Anderson if it wanted to survive.

"Lazarus, up!" Anderson ordered. It immediately broke into a sprint, leaving Kaidan to provide the covering fire. A long, deft leap had it hit the floor of the cargo bay with a clatter.

Anderson made no move to join them. "Alenko!"

"Come on, sir!"

"I'm not coming. There are men here who need a leader. This is a fight we can't win without help. We need every species and all their ships to even have a chance at defeating the Reapers. I'm transferring control to you. Get Lazarus to the Citadel, do whatever it takes. Use her. Get the support we need."

"Understood, sir."

Lazarus stepped forward, waving its hands in objection. It faced him down, challenging him, mouthing soundless words.

"That's an order," he said, ignoring the silent protest. He looked down at something in his hand, then flung it at Lazarus. Shepard's dog tags. "Commander Shepard."

Kaidan felt the grimace on his face, but said nothing. Necessary. This was what Shepard would have wanted. "I'll get her there, sir. I hope this works."

"So do we all, Major."

The _Normandy_ started pulling away and Anderson headed back toward land. So that was it. The door closed behind them and he was left with Lazarus, Vega, a crew full of shell shocked men, and was headed away from the battle.

"Joker, set course for the Citadel."

"Aye aye, sir."

He turned toward the elevator. Set his gun down on the workbench. He felt numb. This was no time to get overwhelmed. They were the best hope for Earth, it was time to take command and be the Spectre.

"We're just leaving? This is bullshit!" Vega yelled. Kaidan turned to see the lieutenant's pacing turn aggressive. He swung aimlessly at the air. For a moment Kaidan thought he was going to physically try to get back down there, but instead he turned to Lazarus.

The AI raised its chin slightly, watching him. The fight was sapped right out of the lieutenant, huge shoulders slumping. He sighed. "I'm with you, Lola. Can you unmute her, Major? This is creepy."

It took him a moment to realise Vega was talking to him. "Unmute?"

He opened his omnitool and found the control program that Anderson had transferred to him. It wasn't just the wrists and ankles that were bound. He had control over its larynx, eyes, ears... heart. He brought the larynx back online without thinking too hard. He didn't want to be tempted.

"Done," he said, then made for the elevator before he could regret the decision.

"Kaidan..."

The voice shot through him like he had touched a live wire, stopping him in his tracks.

Ivy.

For just a split second he thought that it was Shepard standing behind him, taking a step toward him. No, he reminded himself, Lazarus. Its voice carried something that hadn't been there on Horizon. It didn't sound like a robot, it sounded like Shepard.

"What did you just call me?"

He turned around to face it. It was looking at him, although its face was still covered.

"Kaidan, it's me."

The voice, the way she made a slight gesture with her hand when she spoke... it was so human. But it wasn't. It was still speaking Russian, just like on Horizon.

"Do you actually think you're her?" he asked, incredulous and increasingly angry.

"I _am_ Shepard." It gestured as it spoke, a broad sweep with the butt of its pistol. He looked down at the old gun and his heart squeezed painfully in his chest. If that was a replica it was the best he'd ever seen. But it wasn't. It was Bear.

"Where did you get that gun?"

"It's my gun."

No. No, it wasn't. That gun had been buried in place of Shepard's body. Nobody touched Hello Bear. They'd been in her _grave_. Wasn't it enough to take her body, they needed Bear, as well?

He took a step toward her. "Who are you? Full name."

"Lieutenant Commander Ivana Shepard."

That was it. That was enough. He'd taken all he could and he still had work to do. He couldn't stand here and listen to this thing – this mockery – claim to be Shepard. He took another step forward, pressing his height advantage. "Let me tell you a couple of things, Lazarus. Shepard had a speech impediment, she could barely get a sentence out. She spoke fluent English, not Russian. Even in her sleep, she spoke English. She never challenged a commanding officer, she didn't even joke with them, she followed orders to a point where even the people giving her orders thought she should relax. And _Ivana_ was a misprint on her Alliance enrollment. We might have to pretend that you're her, but don't pretend with me."

It looked shaken. God, it was lifelike. "I'm missing some things, but, Kaidan – "

"It's Major Alenko," he cut it off. "Remember it."

He held its gaze until it nodded. "Major."

He had other things to deal with. He turned and made for the elevator, not looking back.


	26. Domesticity

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 25**

**Domesticity**

* * *

_One_

* * *

Shepard shifted uncomfortably on Kaidan's bed.

This was a mistake.

She was sitting in his quarters, one of the small, private apartments that were assigned to officers stationed on the Citadel. They were nothing special: bed, desk, kitchenette, bathroom, barely bigger than her quarters on the _Normandy_. A little smaller and duller than the barracks at Arcturus, but they weren't meant for extended stay.

All of this was a mistake. He hadn't come back from his hearing yet, and the longer she waited, the more she convinced herself she shouldn't have come. Or at least shouldn't have broken in.

In truth shuffling through the vents dragging beer and pizza had not been her best idea, but she had made it, and her cargo was intact. She just didn't know how to approach this now that they weren't on the _Normandy_. It had been two weeks since Ilos and she'd barely had time to talk to him, much less kiss him or touch him or do any of the other enjoyable things he had showed her the night before Ilos.

And what had she been thinking with this underwear? She shifted again, trying to settle herself comfortably, picking at the elastic of the panties through her pants. She didn't even know what possessed her to buy it. It just seemed like the thing to do at the time, but the salesgirl had given her a look, as if to say 'you?' and she hated that insipid bimbo with a passion. Marines could like sexy lingerie, and Kaidan didn't care about her scars. She hoped.

Did he?

Shepard groaned and leaned back against the headboard. How had he turned her into a lunatic? She was sure she used to be a rational human being.

She was nervous. Anxious. Scared! What was wrong with her? She'd faced down Saren without breaking a sweat. Now her hands were trembling and she was considering skulking off back to her own quarters like a coward.

The door slid open and she jumped. Kaidan jumped as well, his hand going for an imaginary gun. It took a moment but the recognition entered his eyes and he sighed.

"Shepard, you scared me."

"Hi," she said, her throat tightening.

He looked from her to the beer and pizza on the table, to the open vent above her, his face giving away nothing. She felt a swell of panic. She wasn't his commanding officer here, she didn't know what he wanted now that the world wasn't ending. He was going to kick her out. The stupid salesgirl was right, she had no business in pretty underwear that pressed her breasts together so that her tank top showed cleavage.

"How did it go?" he asked.

How did he look so calm? She felt like her internal organs were staging a rebellion and quickly gaining ground. For two weeks she had felt like this, her composure hanging by a slender thread, and he looked like he had forgotten she existed until she showed up unannounced.

She shrugged, hoping her voice wouldn't betray her. "Ac-acquitted. Ex-ex-exceptional circumstances. I wanted your help with – "

She barely launched into her preplanned excuse when he grabbed her hand and hauled her to her feet, wrapping his arms around her. In her surprise she heard a squeak from her mouth as she hit his chest.

She sighed and melted into him, all of her fears slipping away. Kaidan. She had missed the smell of him, of soap and shaving cream and engine oil, of tangy sweat and aftershave. She had missed his arms, strong and gentle, and the hard wall of his chest for her to lean against.

He sighed into her hair. "That's great news."

"Mm," she half-moaned into him.

"So we're celebrating?"

"Mm." Had he always been so warm? No, wait, she was here for a reason, her excuse wasn't just an excuse. She felt his fingers trace down her spine and decided that it didn't matter. Instead of talking she raised up on tiptoes and kissed him.

It was just like before Ilos, just like she remembered it, only a memory couldn't capture the thousand details the spilled over her. The smell of him, the tightness of his forearms against her back, the exact taste or heat or softness of his mouth. The sharp angle of his jaw under her hand, the rasp of stubble against her skin. She could catalogue for years and never memorise everything.

He pulled away from her, "No, wait."

Panic immediately bubbled in her chest and she fought to get a grip. The sting of rejection was so sharp and sudden that she felt completely out of control.

_How was he so calm?_

She said nothing, just looked up at him, waiting. He gave half a laugh and scrubbed a hand down his face. "Okay, clearly a few things need to be said here."

Her stomach felt like it was sinking. "Okay."

He sat down on the bed and she followed him. Her heart was beating a terrible, off-beat rhythm in her chest, but eased when he took her hand.

"Relationships are always rough, and the first one is the hardest, but there are some things I need you to know." He smiled at her and ran his fingertips along her jawline. "You don't need to break in here. You can knock, I'll let you in. You can message me, I'll answer. You don't need to make any excuses, and you don't need to come armed. I want to see you, you don't ever have to be worried that I'll turn you out."

Without even looking he slid a hand down to the small of her back, pulled Hello Bear from her waistband and set him on the table. She couldn't help the abashed smile from spreading across her face. "I'm sorry, I'm n-n-new at this."

"Hey, it's alright. Just save the batman stuff for the Reapers, okay?"

"Okay. Did you w-w-want me to go?"

His answer was to lie her back on the bed and start kissing her neck. She laughed and relaxed back into the mattress, tilting her head back to give him better access. Stupid salesgirl, she didn't know what she was talking about. _She_ didn't have a handsome marine nibbling her collarbone or digging the tips of his fingers into her waist.

Shepard moaned, stretching out languorously. It was so good to be off the ship. For the first time shore leave was something she wanted, not just a waste of her time. She felt a thrill at the idea that she was now free to enact any of the dozens of scenarios that had been preying on her mind. She wanted him to do with his hands what he had done to her the night before Ilos, at the time leaving her aching and incomplete.

But she couldn't do that, not yet. After another moment's hesitation, Kaidan sucking lightly on some wonderful pressure point of her neck, she gently urged him backwards and sat up. Work first, then play.

"I do need your help with s-something."

"Hmm?" he asked, slightly dazed. His hand was still on her waist, sending electricity skittering across her skin.

"Paperwork."

He smiled ruefully. "You know how to show a guy a good time, Shepard."

"It's for the A-A-AAAM rounds."

He frowned, confused. "I'm sorry, what was that?"

She blushed at her stutter. "Th-the A-A-A... A-AAAM rounds."

His attention was just making this worse.

"The aaahm rounds?" he asked. She threw a pillow at him, he was being deliberately dense now. Kaidan caught the pillow and laughed, holding up one hand in surrender. She grabbed another.

"Anti-Aircraft/Anti-Materiel," she said, clearly, smugly. She frowned. "I should come up with a better name."

She replaced the pillow, realising that this game was going to end with them entangled on the bed again. With a stern look at him she accessed her omnitool and sent him the patenting paperwork for their rounds. There was a lot of it, and it was only fair that he helped.

"That's a lot of paperwork," he said. "You'll have to walk me through it."

He moved from the bed to the table, putting some calming distance between them. He tossed her a beer and took one for himself. She scooted back to sit against the headboard, folding her legs.

"Patents usually take six months," she said. "Sometimes longer. This is the first round."

"So developing the mod is the easy part?"

"Mm."

The forms were substantial but she didn't mind as they fell into a pattern. They drank warm beer and ate cold pizza and talked. He made her laugh. She couldn't remember a time when she'd laughed so much.

This was what she loved about him, she decided. His forwardness, his confidence, he made her feel normal. When he was smiling at her like that, saying something wry just to make her feel good, it made all of the times when she was isolated feel like a distant memory. She felt like the people who treated her as a tool instead of a person were some narrow-minded minority, Kaidan's opinion was the one that mattered, and he didn't see her that way.

"Say, Shepard," he said with studied nonchalance. "Reading through some of this paperwork, is there any chance that developing this mod was illegal?"

"No," she lied.

"Really?" He wasn't buying it.

She caved. "It's a catch 22. Developing mods is illegal, but producing them isn't."

"So if we'd just fed a chip into the cutter and seen what came out, that would be fine, but planning it is illegal?"

"If anyone asks, we came up with this on the field."

"If anyone asks, this was your idea," he teased.

He was still smiling, still laughing, still completely comfortable with her. It was fascinating to watch. As were his hands. He was dexterous in a way that she'd never noticed before, never paid any attention. His hands were huge compared to hers, strong. The pads of his fingers, thick and slightly calloused, had new meaning to her as she watched them dance over his omnitool. She felt her colour rising, an ache of emptiness inside her.

Keeping her eyes steadfastly fixed on her own omnitool, she realised that they had stopped talking. They were done with the beer and she felt a little light-headed, tipsy. Their work would be riddled with errors if the alcohol was taking effect. He kept looking at her, stealing glances every few seconds.

"What?" she asked.

He looked from his omnitool to her, then back down, then back to her, as if trying to make some decision. After a few seconds he closed his omnitool and crawled on top of her, his hands at her sides, tugging at her shirt.

"I'm sorry, I have to see what you've got on under here that's making you look so... so..."

She playfully resisted his hands but eventually let him win, blushing furiously that he was about to see her ridiculous underwear.

When her shirt was successfully thrown over his shoulder she resisted the urge to cover herself with her hands, instead sticking out her chin defiantly. _Yes, I'm wearing lace and I'm not apologising_.

Kaidan took her by the shoulders and looked at her, his eyes wide. When he spoke his voice was strangled. "Tell me you got the matching set."

She nodded shortly, then let out a yelp when he unceremoniously jerked her hips forward, landing her on her back, and started working her pants down her hips. She laughed helplessly at his enthusiasm, giddy at her vindication. She had been right, he didn't care about the scars.

When he was done, her boots and trousers in a heap on the ground, her skin tingling where his hands had traced, he stepped back to look at her.

"You trying to kill me, Shepard?" he asked hoarsely.

"Is it w-working?"

"Yeah." He crouched down beside the bed and took her hands, pressed kisses to her knuckles. "Let me take a picture."

"A p-p-picture?"

"Yeah. If I don't have proof I'm going to think that I imagined all this. My beautiful commanding officer in lace underwear. For my eyes only, I promise."

She bit her lip. "On one condition."

"What's that?"

She leaned close to him. "Do that thing with your hands again."

"I don't need any incentive to do that, Commander."

When he stood up she turned her face away so that his camera wouldn't catch the worst of her scarring, but he told her to look at him and she knew in that instant that he felt for her what she felt for him. Only this creeping insanity could make him ignore her flaws, and she never wanted to let go of it.

As soon as she heard the click of his omnitool's camera, she dragged him back to claim her reward.

It was just as good as she remembered, maybe better. They were in no rush, the world wasn't ending and they weren't waiting to be woken up by a call to battle. So when he had her shaking in his arms she screamed, not worried about her crew just outside the door. And when she could move again she tried using her mouth on him, surprised and delighted as she watched her immovable protector fall to pieces underneath her, trembling, panting, calling her name.

Hours later, exhausted, sore and sated, she watched him sleep. She had never imagined any of this. She had never imagined anyone being so kind to her, or so gentle with her. In this space they were equals, she could put herself in his hands and know that he would look out for her.

She'd never imagined that falling in love would feel so good.

It terrified her to know that it would have to come to an end. Her contract was too strict. It didn't expressly forbid personal relationships, but more broadly any commitment which could interfere with her duties. No fraternisation, no marriage, no children.

They wouldn't stop her, for now. As long as it didn't interfere with her Spectre duties, she didn't fall pregnant, and they kept it discreet. But eventually the conflict of interests would come to the surface.

For the first time since she had signed that contract, she wished she hadn't.


	27. The Vent Run

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 26**

**The Vent Run**

_Two_

Dantius Towers. The name seemed familiar.

The crew seemed to expect that when she regained her memory it would be all at once, but Lazarus was finding it was more complex than their expectations. As of disembarking the _Normandy_ she had only three pre-Cerberus memories. Kaidan, Dantius, and popcorn.

All three came with no further details, simply detached words which she knew without knowing why. Popcorn had not been difficult to understand. The word had come to her upon seeing their mess sergeant making the confection. She had eaten a piece and understood. Popcorn. Shepard had eaten this. The associated sight, taste, and smell were simple to catalogue.

Kaidan was an ongoing project, made difficult by EDI's constant presence. She took what details she could and made it a priority to look for opportunities free of surveillance to gain further information.

Dantius she was still analysing. The word had come with no protective addendum, but she had withheld her knowledge from Cerberus until a further investigation could be conducted. It had been difficult enough, but she had successfully left her ground team at Nos Astra spaceport and located Thane Krios on her own terms.

It was familiar in many ways, this construction. None of which shed further light on Dantius. But when she stepped out of the transport and onto the tower, she noticed a vent. The air circulation system.

There were mechs already on the ground, terminating the janitorial staff, but the vents were familiar. She had experienced this once before, at Archangel's base. She had known to remove her outer armour to silence herself, how to stow her weapons so they didn't scrape, how to hide even without the tactical cloak she had been issued. Tuck herself away somewhere dark and warm and they wouldn't even know she was there, would never know what had killed them.

Omega had been a small complex of vents, just a heating system. The scale of this was larger, it would run up every floor, access every room. She could see her path to Thane Krios' intended target, and it wasn't through hallways or elevators. There was a maze behind the walls where they would never find her.

With her pistol she took care of the three FENRIS mechs, then began to strip down. She stowed the outer parts of her armour behind a crate. It was time to be silent.

The vent came off without difficulty, loose screws undone with fingertips. The space was small, she wouldn't be able to turn around once she was inside. She crawled in, having to drag her way forward with her forearms and push with her toes.

She looked back over her shoulder, the low light of the city provided enough illumination for her to progress. It was as she suspected inside the tunnel, warm and hidden.

_Come out of there, Little Creeper._

Lazarus felt her heart jolt and start beating out of rhythm. That voice. It was one of Shepard's memories. A sheen of sweat sprung up on her palms and between her shoulder blades, her heart was beating too fast. Her body started moving without her consent, wriggling forward, crawling faster than she'd thought possible in this confined space.

Instinctively her fingers and toes found ridges in the vent, she was moving, almost flying through the vent, a shot of adrenaline straight to her heart had her running.

The world became an ill-defined blur outside the tunnel, all she knew was that she was going, newly energised but not in a pleasant way. She couldn't back out, she was cornered in this place, she had to keep going. Down the way, turn left, up onto a ledge, then another, forward, keep going.

Lazarus couldn't tell how much time had passed when she came back to herself.

The vent was filled with the sound of her panting, her hands were shaking, as if she'd just finished a round of ECT. That was an anomaly. An adrenal response without present stimulus.

She would have to have EDI analyse the phenomenon once she was back aboard the _Normandy_.

She had become slightly disoriented during her fugue, but there was only so much lateral movement possible given the layout of the towers, she knew that up was the only way forward. She could find an external grate and reorient herself further up the tower.

Logically she knew that spatial awareness in the vents should be severely compromised, but in practise she found herself keenly aware of her position. As she passed intersections, ledges, and grates, a map seemed to form in her mind. She anticipated landmarks, looked for things she had no reason to believe would be there, yet were.

At the appearance of one of the central ducts into the heat generator she turned to find an alternate route, then stopped herself.

This knowledge was without basis. Scientific experiment was the only reliable source of information, data on which to base theory. Past the generator was the fastest route. She continued her course without deviation.

Too late she found the data that had formed the initial conclusion that she should take an alternate route. While the heat was not unbearable at first, the surrounding passage had overheated from the constant stream, as did her skin. It was impossible to move fast enough to avoid scalding. There was no turning back, all she could do was push forward.

Her forearms, abdomen and thighs burned long after she reached the cooler sections away from the generator. The physical discomfort was not an impediment, but there was a mental discomfort which lingered. This place was supposed to be safe, yet it had injured her. It reinforced her feeling that Shepard's memory was unreliable.

But it hadn't been Shepard's memory that had led her astray. The memory had wanted her to take a different route.

Where did that put the fault? Was her own judgement the compromising element?

No, that wasn't possible. Lazarus was the controlling interest, her decisions were based on evidence. Shepard was just an echo, barely present and unaware of her surroundings.

A noise from somewhere above her prompted her to stop. Any sound in the vents echoed, even breathing had to be done quietly. But there was an unmistakable shuffling sound from the floor above her. Too quiet for the mercenaries or mechs, either a fourth party was infiltrating or it was Thane Krios. She heard the sound of a vent being opened, a barely audible clatter as he left the ventilation system.

He was taking the shorter route through the open floor. She wouldn't catch him if she stayed inside.

Finding a vent to get a clearer picture of the area, she spied an elevator not far from her position. It was an unappealing option, the same way that the heat generator had been. This carried a more obvious risk, she was without armour or any mass effect shielding, she would be crushed if the elevator moved and she didn't react quickly enough. But it was a straight shot upwards and one the assassin seemed hesitant to take. The ventilation system should open into the shaft.

There were mercenaries and mechs in the open, but she loosened the grate and looked outside to better map her path. The tactical cloak was useful for this operation.

The floor was largely exposed, still under construction. Dantius had been expecting some kind of assault, evidenced by no less than twenty armed personnel on the ground. The higher floors would have more. What was she expecting to stop?

Closing the grate again, Lazarus made her way as quietly as possible toward the elevator. From the chatter outside, the mercenaries had caught onto their alternate route through the ducts, but none of them were willing to make chase. It was the correct decision on their part. She couldn't say why she was able to make her way through this maze, but for a hundred kilo mercenary with no training and a full suit of body armour it would have been unwise.

Locating the elevator shaft was simple, and after removing a few panels to make her way inside, it was more comfortable to move freely in the larger space. There was some bare illumination from emergency lighting and maintenance panels, enough to see but not so much that she couldn't hide if called upon. A maintenance ladder on the back wall would take her straight to the top.

After two floors she found a maintenance box within easy reach. She could activate the maintenance lock. It would allow her to travel freely in the shaft without concerns of the elevator moving, but as soon as Dantius' people attempted to use it, they would investigate the cause of the malfunction. It was a choice between facing the implacable elevator or the possibly imprecise mercenaries.

Deciding that it would buy her a few more seconds of safety, she activated the lock. Her tactical cloak would provide safety against gunshots, but none against moving machinery.

She listened as she climbed – for Thane Krios, for any sign that her interference had been noticed.

She heard both.

If her movements had been loud inside the vents, it was only amplified at their termination. She heard each movement Thane Krios made, each slipped handhold, each tap of some zipper or buckle against the metal, and when he fired his gun the sound was deafening in the shaft. But he hadn't been caught.

She was not as close to the top as she had anticipated when the doors above her were pried open. By the time that the mercenaries were freely looking down she had cloaked herself, but it was no longer safe. She had gained enough ground on Thane Krios to reconsider the ducts. While Dantius' men organised a search operation, she pried loose a panel and slipped back into the ventilation system.

She was left with no choice but to let the loose panel fall, clattering to the bottom of the shaft. They would find her and try to smoke her out soon. She had to act quickly.

Making her way to an external vent, she eased one of the grates free, making sure to be silent when she set it on top of a nearby crate. She wriggled back inside the vent and surveyed the room. A large warehouse, or other storage space, she estimated. Her perch was decent, although she could see better vantage points, she didn't have the time to spare.

There were a dozen mercenaries scattered around the room in a state of disarray. Thane Krios had been here, his kills were still fresh on the ground. She could get ahead of him here. A dash to the far side of the room, cloak and up the stairs, back into the vents. First she had to clear the room.

Lazarus drew her Widow.

The gun was over large, heavy, built for anti-material purposes, capable of punching through shields, armour and biotic barriers. It was comforting.

She took aim at the closest man and shot.

As expected, the mercenaries bottlenecked between the crates and several more shots in quick succession each hit their mark. They had spotted her, but their weapons weren't accurate from a distance, let alone while they were panicked.

Panic, an interesting idea.

She fired off another three rounds.

Had it been panic that she had experienced when first entering the building? Her episode seemed to fit the symptoms. She had observed it in other subjects, but thought herself incapable of being affected. She would have to consult with Dr. Solus to confirm.

With her enemies closing in enough to gain a proper shot she cloaked and crawled out of the vent, onto the crate. She had no shield or armour, this exchange had to be handled carefully.

Erring on the side of caution, she sprinted to put distance between herself and her last known position. Once properly repositioned she fired again, taking out another two, only four left. She cloaked again and ran. Two more. Cloak and run.

The last two lay on the floor, dead. Simple. She needed to make better time.

A noise behind the door of a maintenance closet caught her attention. That was unexpected. Possibly more mercenaries. Unlikely, but she couldn't think of a better explanation, and couldn't risk being followed.

She cloaked and opened the door.

Salarians. More janitors. Why had they been shut in?

They cowered in the back of the closet, unaware of her presence. Of course, if Dantius had given orders for their execution, they would be expecting hostile action. Someone had shut them in to protect them.

It was no concern of hers, so she turned to go.

It wasn't until she was a few steps away that her mind supplied her with the fact that leaving the door unlocked would result in their deaths. She looked back.

They were not useful in the war effort. She did not know them. They did not appear to have any valuable affiliation. She had no stake in their life or death.

But they were salarians. Many of Dr. Solus' efforts made no direct contribution to the war, yet the more her treatments progressed, the more value she placed on his moments of inefficiency, of organic pointlessness. The touch to her forehead lingered after the stimulus had ended.

She shut the door and smashed the lock. A recovery team would find them.

She had lost time.

Picking up the pace, she ran, cloaking herself as she rounded the corner and took the stairs up. She could re-enter the vent system on the next floor. She estimated that there were three floors between her and Dantius, maybe four if her calculations had become confused.

There was one more human between her and the duct, she primed her Widow.

The human fell to the floor, dead.

She hadn't fired.

Looking up, she saw a pair of glassy eyes staring back at her. She was still cloaked. Thane Krios could see her.

Without thinking, she ran, making for the vents.

Panic was not present. He had seen her, he hadn't taken the shot. She had caught up to him. He wouldn't stop before reaching his goal, neither would she. This was a new type of energy that compelled her into the vents, made her move fast, listening to him as he matched her for speed.

Two more floors and she wasn't analysing as she went, wasn't even thinking. Handholds came with ease, she circumvented generators, moving forward, up, forward, toward Dantius, just a few vents over from Thane Krios.

This was... fun.

The emotion and the definition fit together seamlessly. Her body was moving easier, her muscles pushing harder, the distance seemed to evaporate more quickly. Endorphins, oxytocin, fun.

She would beat him there, she was sure of it.

When the vents ended, the top of the tower reached, she looked out over the bridge, a clear occupational health and safety hazard. There were dozens of mercenaries, armed with heavy weapons, and no alternative path to use. In the confined space she drew her Widow again, and knew, somehow, that a silent agreement had been reached with Thane Krios.

When she fired her first shot she saw it matched from a vent not far from her current position. They couldn't take out all of them, but after several shots from concealed positions, the forces were in chaos.

Lazarus took her chance. She opened the grate, cloaked, and dropped to the ground. While the mercenaries were still trying to locate the snipers, she walked across the bridge, sidestepping them as necessary. She didn't know where Thane Krios was, but this was as good an experiment as any to determine his competence.

At the far side of the bridge she found her way back into the ducts and moved upwards. An hysterical voice from the highest room told her that this was where she needed to be. Dantius. Further information.

In the dark she positioned herself above the asari and looked down. Dantius was unarmoured, four mercenaries acting as bodyguards. No further familiarity was catalysed at the sight of her.

Lazarus heard the shuffling of another body in the vent and looked up.

Black eyes stared back at her from a few feet away. She had seen pictures of drell, they were reminiscent of salarians in the eyes. She couldn't communicate with him in this space, they would be heard, so she nodded to him and looked down.

It took him seconds to be rid of the guards. She was unskilled in close combat, he could be a useful complement on the field. When Dantius was dead, her body laid out on a console, Lazarus climbed through the grate and dropped to the ground.

Thane Krios appeared to have no interest in the body. She thought that his initial actions resembled a religious ritual. It gave her time to examine Dantius.

Nassana Dantius, she thought upon viewing the asari's face. The pattern of her tattoos matched that name in her memory. She reached forward and picked up Dantius' hand, twisting it at the wrist to see if there was any further information to be gleaned, then replacing it. Her fringe also revealed no new data. Teeth were healthy, no drug use. Eyes blue, as expected. No tattoos from medical treatment. Fingernails and toenails undamaged, no recent physical conflict or blood sugar disorders. Also free of tinea.

She could have the corpse examined on the _Normandy_ , but that was close enough to admitting to the memory, it would be more efficient to simply query EDI's database.

Thane Krios watched her curiously after he had finished his ritual.

He was fast, able to keep up with her. Would bolster in her insufficient hand-to-hand capabilities. Criminal record meant that he was unlikely to bring Alliance or C-Sec officials into any operations. Useful with a sniper rifle, if not a marksman.

She nodded.

"I want you on my crew."


	28. Men Are From Tuchanka, Women Are From Thessia

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 27**

**Men Are From Tuchanka, Women Are From Thessia**

* * *

_Three_

* * *

Shepard held Hello Bear in both hands, ready to engage hostiles.

This gun was the most reliable thing in her life, but it had been a few years since she was asked to use it as her only means of defence.

The Alliance had confiscated her mod chips, including the lotus rounds. Kaidan had forbidden her from accessing the extended armoury. As much as she loved Bear, without mods he might as well have been shooting spitballs. If she didn't have Vega at her back she might have refused to go groundside, citing her insufficient weaponry and claiming reckless endangerment. The regs were on her side.

She hadn't made a fuss. Partly because she had larger concerns, partly because she suspected that Kaidan would simply mute her again. He wasn't leaving her on the _Normandy_ without his supervision, and he wasn't arming her.

Things had changed.

The flight to Mars had been short, just enough time for her to find a hardsuit, not enough time to conduct a full assessment of her ship, but she had noticed things. Her armoury had been stripped. Her Widow, Cain and all other heavy weapons were gone. Her Kestrel suit was there, refurbished and back to factory standard settings, all of her improvements gone. Her ship was strewn with loose wiring, unstowed cables and unfinished interior panels.

The biggest change was the crew. EDI was the only familiar fixture and they hadn't had time to exchange words. She had wanted her crew gone, too many of them had criminal charges pending, she wouldn't risk them in Alliance hands. But Kaidan was the worst change, some gross imitation of himself, his endless patience ended, a wreck of barely concealed hostility and numb shock.

Part of her was hurt, which she supposed was natural. The only person who had ever loved her was now ready to spit in her face. A bigger part of her was viciously proud of him. He was obeying orders, but he wasn't buying what Cerberus was selling. He wanted the Shepard in his memory to be respected, and she had the time and patience to convince him that they were one in the same.

So she went down to the surface of Mars armed only with a forty-year-old pistol, right in the path of an oncoming and extremely beautiful dust storm. Kaidan had been patient with her before, now she would be patient with him.

On the bright side of all of this, at least people finally believed her about the Reapers.

"Holy shit, they're executing them."

She couldn't see past Vega from her drag position, but she stepped out wide, momentarily leaving their rear unguarded.

Cerberus. Eight shock troops. Two hostages. They were too far away, those men were dead. Even with her Widow she couldn't have taken out all eight before they killed the Alliance men. Without it she was next to helpless when Kaidan and Vega sprung into action.

Doing the only thing she could, she cloaked and ran. Even Hello Bear could kill at point blank range.

Her contribution to the scuffle was small. A single man down with a shot to the base of the skull, another distracted enough to be caught in Kaidan's biotics. As expected, the hostages did not survive.

As expected, as soon as they were out of the storm, Kaidan wanted an explanation.

"Straight answer, Laz- Shepard. What are Cerberus doing here?" he asked.

"I don't know," she said.

"You worked for them, for gods sake, you have to know something."

_Patience._

"I've had no contact with Cerberus."

Vega stepped in on her behalf. "Commander Shepard has been under constant surveillance since coming back to Earth. No way they've communicated since."

Kaidan turned to him. "Not constant. How do you know it didn't contact them when it was out of your hands?"

"Her omnitool kept records. She made one outgoing call, and it wasn't to Cerberus."

She refused to be sorry for breaking out for one afternoon. It didn't help her case, not on the human or terrorist front, but she was so sick of being treated like a piece of furniture that she knew she wouldn't have lasted in captivity. The consequences had been severe, but she had no regrets.

"How do you know? Ceberus has sleeper agents everywhere, anyone it contacted could have been compromised."

Vega rubbed the back of his neck. Technically the contents of her call were classified pending trial. He wasn't allowed to tell anyone, including a major. Shepard decided to let him off the hook. "I called the Salarian STG."

Kaidan was silent. Even behind his helmet she could see him trying to fit that in with what he knew, maybe being biased enough to try to frame it as some terrorist action. He'd find no way, the salarians were a council race, a friend to humanity and the Alliance, probably their most reliable ally.

Finally, he asked. "Why would you call them? Who's your contact?"

"Dr. Mordin Solus. It was a social call."

"AIs don't usually make social calls," Kaidan said, his tone saying so much more. He didn't believe her.

_Patience._

"I'm not an AI," she said firmly, although she knew the argument wouldn't land. "You can confirm that the call was social and unencrypted. Kirrahe is on security, he monitored the call. He's a major, now."

She didn't get to see his reaction as their airlock depressurised, letting them out into the loading bay of the complex. The day break she didn't regret, but the call to Mordin had been inadvisable. Kirrahe was not impressed that she had managed to get a direct line to a top secret facility, but had done her the favour of connecting her to Mordin, for the sake of lost friends.

Shepard deactivated the mass effect field that sealed her helmet, letting her breathe in the relatively fresh air of the archives base.

For the first time since the world started burning, Kaidan was in full view of her. She hadn't taken notice, but it was hard not to, now that he was just a few feet away. She could see the stubble that permanently shadowed his face, the white scar under his lip, she was starting to get a feel for how much bigger he had become, his new duties had built up his muscle mass. She was just close enough to catch his scent, kevlar, engine grease, aftershave, and sweat, a smell she associated with warm kisses and safety.

His hair was dusted with silver at his temples and she knew it was from stress instead of age. The crease between his eyebrows had deepened with worry. There were just the shades of dark circles under his eyes. Life had been hard for him since she'd died. She swallowed thickly.

A thump from the vents had her drawing her weapon again. Kaidan and Vega were also backing up, their weapons drawn. They took cover, but she lingered a moment, staring at the vent. Whoever was in there was terrible at navigating tight spaces. She heard the continual knock of knees, elbows, and armour against the sides, even some gunfire.

She took up cover but peered around the corner. Whoever came out of there was going to be disoriented, rushed, and half-deaf. Easy pickings if they were hostile, in need of immediate assistance if they were friendly.

To her surprise, it was Liara that tumbled out of the vent, landing gracelessly on the ground, followed by badly aimed shots.

Liara was situated safely on Hagalaz the last time Shepard had seen her. Her brokerage was an invaluable war asset, if she had compromised it they would be in trouble. Shepard was moving forward to help when Liara regained her bearings and fired a singularity at the open grate. A few shots with her pistol later and they were alone.

Vega was still gearing up to attack, but Shepard waved him down. "Easy, Lieutenant."

"Lazarus," Liara said, relieved. "Thank the goddess you're alive."

"It's Shepard now," she replied.

"That's good to hear. Kaidan," Liara turned to him. "I was worried when the reports came in. They hit Earth hard?"

He nodded. "Yeah, they did. Hackett has me escorting 'Shepard'. He ordered us here, said you'd know what was going on."

"I do."

Vega leaned closer to Shepard. "Hallelujah. Some answers, finally."

Liara fell into step with Kaidan, seeming to realise the shift in power intuitively. Shepard walked drag with Vega, it felt easy, like when she was a commander walking behind Anderson. It had been a while since she let someone else take charge, and she trusted Kaidan with this.

Liara didn't have answers. Not really. Shepard listened to them talk, and learned they were after a prothean superweapon of indeterminate capabilities. Given her own choice Shepard would have appropriated the resources to work on their fleet, improve the thannix cannons that were their best offence against the Reapers. But after a full year of actively disobeying authority she had to remind herself sternly that Hackett was calling the shots. She trusted Hackett, as well.

"Hackett got me access to the archives and kept me updated on Lazarus' status," Liara said. She paused, turning to address Shepard. "I meant to come see you, but..."

Unfinished sentences were still not one of Shepard's favourite things. If Liara had come to see her it would have been a waste of time. She had nothing to report from custody.

The asari seemed to want a response. Shepard took a moment to come up with something. "It's fine."

They kept walking. The decision had already been made. This prothean device was their aim, and it was on the other side of the facility. If she had been better armed she might have requested a vent run, but Kaidan would not allow that even if she was properly equipped. The sooner they were done here, the sooner she could get to the Citadel and start arranging a tangible military defence.

So she followed. She remembered how to follow.

She _tried_ to remember how to follow.

It wasn't until Cerberus started to break through the doors and Kaidan ordered Vega away that she remembered why she had broken away from following.

"No," she said, already falling into defensive stance, preparing for the assault.

"If Cerberus beats us to the archives we need someone covering the exits," Kaidan said.

The four of them were gradually falling back, weapons at the ready.

"I'll go," Shepard said.

"Like hell you will. Get to the shuttle, lieutenant."

Vega hesitated, looking between them. She realised that she didn't trust Kaidan, not enough for this. Bringing her down here unarmed was one thing, but sending away her bodyguard was something else. Was he trying to make her death look like an accident? He'd made no secret of his desire to shut her down.

"If you're trying to kill me, there's a button on your omnitool."

Kaidan grabbed her spaulder, forcibly turning her toward him. In his eyes was all the anger and hurt that she had been afraid to see. "Earth is what I care about, not you. As long as you help us against the Reapers, you're under my protection."

He let her go and Vega took the hint.

"Stay safe, niñata."

"I know what that means," she called after him as he made for the shuttle.

"I hope so!" he yelled back.

Just as the elevator disappeared from sight, the doors burst open. Cerberus heavies.

Shepard took a few shots at them, darting out from behind her crate. Each did nothing to the men on the top balcony. Her omnitool still had its locks in place, so helping to take down shields wasn't an option.

With a heavy sigh she leaned against the crate and let the two biotics handle them.

_Patience._

Once they were back aboard the _Normandy_ and she had a successful, uneventful mission under her belt, she would petition Kaidan to give her something useful to do in combat. EDI was far beyond her hacking capabilities – or at least, would claim to be – he could at least give her back her omnitool without worrying she would hijack the ship. Not that the thought didn't amuse her. She'd stolen two of three _Normandy_ s, getting the hat trick would be a decent story.

Liara looked over to her and she shrugged helplessly, holding up Hello Bear.

With a singularity and the resultant biotic explosion, Liara stepped forward. "Why isn't Lazarus armed?"

"It's Shepard," Shepard interjected.

Kaidan ignored her. "It's still Cerberus tech. I don't like the idea of a loaded terrorist gun at my back."

"So the Alliance hasn't reinstated her."

"They have."

"No, they haven't," Shepard said.

Kaidan shot her a pointed glare. " _But_ I'm the commanding officer aboard the _Normandy_. The admirals put it in my custody."

Damn him. She should have been frustrated and angry with him. It was more frustrating that she couldn't work up any real ire. For all his precautions and her uselessness in battle, she was with him. A compromised agent could not be allowed free access to the _Normandy_ , she would have done exactly the same thing. And to compound the problem she missed him. Being this close all she wanted to do was fling her arms around him and tell him she was so glad he was there.

"An understandable precaution," Liara said.

"But you don't agree."

"I suppose you haven't been as close to her as the rest of us, recently. You haven't seen her recovering, Kaidan."

"If it's with us, it'll prove it soon enough. Until then its utility is at my discretion, I'm not going to let an unknown head up the war effort without supervision."

Shepard smiled. Regaining Kaidan's trust would be painful and difficult, she had no doubt. But at least he was back. A Kaidan that she didn't know was better than none, and she'd been without him for too long.

Liara nodded. "I have faith in Shepard, and you, Kaidan. I'm sure you'll see her for what she is soon enough."

Shepard stared flatly. A nice sentiment, but they were still talking as if she wasn't standing next to them. This was going to be trying in more ways than she'd expected.

"I really hope you're right, Liara," he said. "Because I could use a few solid answers on that front. Come on, let's find a way up."

Kaidan cast a look back at her, and she met his eye, even though he couldn't see her face. He was hurting, he was scared, so was she, but she was going to find a way through this. A way back to a crew that trusted her, a way back to Kaidan, and a way to defeat the Reapers.

Because she was Commander Shepard, and she had patience.


	29. The Nefarious Goings On of Cerberus

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 28**

**The Nefarious Goings On of Cerberus**

* * *

_Three_

* * *

Shepard had the feeling that Liara was not the best Shadow Broker.

She was happy to support a friend's ambition, even at the galactic level of power, but it was difficult to restrain herself from commenting. After Liara announced to Kaidan and Vega that she was the Broker, Shepard had been troubled. Finding out that Hackett knew just made her exasperated. Had she put up a billboard? Cerberus' knowledge had been impossible to avoid since they had backed the coup, but there was a level of discretion required that was not being exercised.

It was only Liara's guilt at not having pegged Eva Core as a spy that kept Shepard quiet. Did they not have any screening process for new arrivals? The woman was synthetic. Even if she had fooled their censors, she showed up a week before the site came under attack, surely that should have raised some red flags.

Suddenly the Alliance paranoia about Cerberus AIs in their operations made sense, since they apparently had no way of detecting them until a few dozen people were dead.

"I should have realised it when I met her. I was just so focused on finding a way to stop the Reapers." Liara leaned heavily against the far console.

Ivy froze. She didn't know what to say. The oversight had been so irresponsible it bordered on ridiculous, but Liara didn't want to hear that. Was she supposed to lie, to placate with empty platitudes? The only truthful comfort that she could offer was that Liara was no more to blame for the oversight than anyone else, but even that was insincere, she was the project leader, blame always fell to her.

"Cerberus killed them, not you," Shepard said. "We have to stay focused."

"What if there's no way to stop them? What if these are our last days and we spend them scurrying around trying to solve a problem we can't fix?"

Shepard raised an eyebrow, hoping that even through her mask she could convey her feelings on the matter. This was no time for a crisis of faith. "What's your proposed alternative?"

Liara looked back at her and smiled. "Are you really better, Shepard? Are you calm because we're going to win, or can you just not feel fear?"

"I could never feel fear," she said, putting just enough humour into her voice to earn a short laugh. "Come on, Liara."

"I don't know how you do it. You've always stayed focused, even in the worst situations."

In truth her attitude was not as exemplary as Liara was implying. Shepard just didn't know what else to do. She also didn't want to end this mission hog tied by her cuffs, thrown over Kaidan's shoulder.

She looked over to him, where he was guarding the door while they accessed the feed. She didn't have any better way to protect him. "I have to."

Liara followed her gaze. "I understand."

She turned her attention back to the console and the locks they had been trying to disable gave way.

Shepard would have liked more time to dig through the archives. Prothean records were a treasure trove of anti-Reaper studies, unhappily light on warfare, but their practises of preserving other societies were both fascinating and relevant. The salarians should have studied the information in depth before attempting their heavy-handed upliftings.

She had some time, whenever the others were engaged in combat. She collected datapads indiscriminately as she went, and when there was gunfire she would crouch down behind a solid object and start reading. Dr. Core had made quite a stir among the staff. The protheans had been studying humans. There was no data that could indicate why the Reapers had left this facility standing, either on their way to Earth or in the previous cycle.

She could feel Kaidan's frustration with her building, although there was no alternative to her staying out of combat. She would have better served him on the shuttle with Vega.

Cerberus had shut down the pedway to the archives, that much was clear. Shepard hung back, letting Kaidan and Liara deal with the particulars. Back on the first _Normandy_ _,_ she'd guessed that Kaidan would make a good leader. Liara was a surprise. Even if she could have been more careful with sensitive information, her initiative and leadership skills were an unexpected development.

"The archives are on a separate network, we're completely locked out," Liara said, at the console for the trams.

"Not if we can find a short range communicator, helmet-to-helmet," said Kaidan. "We can convince them we're on their side, tell them the Alliance forces have been taken care of."

"Good idea."

Shepard agreed, although her opinion would not be asked for, she was sure. He had really grown in the last few years. She wished she had been around to see it.

Liara was giving her a half-smile.

"What?"

"The major has become quite... capable."

"Yes."

It was sort of sexy.

Pity she wouldn't get the chance to take advantage of it.

"Found something," Kaidan called.

Liara was still at the console, so Shepard answered the call. She walked through to doorway to find him crouched over a dead Cerberus heavy. "What?"

"He's got a transmitter in his helmet. If I can..." Kaidan trailed off as he managed to work the face plate loose. "My god, he looks like a husk."

The man's face was destroyed, exposed circuitry, skin sloughing, discolouration. He looked like a husk partway through transformation. That could only mean that they were up against Reaper tech. Reaper tech meant indoctrination. Their next real enemies were on the field.

Shepard crouched down to get a closer look, to try to determine the extent of his alterations. She could probably get a body brought back to the _Normandy_ for further examination once they had the data from the archives.

"They've definitely done something."

"And by 'they' you mean Cerberus?" Kaidan asked. "They did this to their own guy? Is this what they did to you?"

Shepard cocked her head, examining the corpse. She had read the Lazarus files, but she was only so familiar with medicine, it was far outside her area of expertise. Even if she understood it, Cerberus would have concealed any truly compromising information, like the inclusion of husk parts.

"I don't know," she answered.

"Is that why you wear the mask? To cover up..." he gestured at the dead man's face.

"No."

"Or did they fix that for you? I know they fixed the stutter."

Shepard stood up, tearing out the man's communicator as she went, Kaidan's words producing a pit of boiling anger in her stomach. She opened the channel and tried her best impression of Miranda Lawson's tone, equal parts impatience and condescension. "This is delta team, all hostiles terminated. Waiting for extraction."

" _Where the hell have you been? Never mind, Echo team will head over and secure the station._ "

"About time." She closed the channel and turned to Kaidan. When she was sure she had his full attention she leaned in close to him. "I didn't need _fixing_."

She turned and stalked away. Fixed her. He thought they 'fixed' her? Asshole.

"Hey, no, that's not what I meant," he said, chasing after her. "I just... No, I'm not having this argument with you."

"Then have it with someone else."

Liara was startled when they walked back into the console room arguing.

"You're unbelievable, are you really blaming me for not knowing what to think of this?"

"I thought you weren't arguing with me," she said. "If you'll excuse me, I need to go hide behind a wall."

She slipped under the desk to await the tram full of echo team. It was petty of her to be sulking, particularly since she had promised herself patience with him. She took the time to calm down while they were clearing the tram. His choice of words had been poor, but she wasn't really angry with him. She was angry that she couldn't get through to him, that all she could do was pile more worries on his shoulders when she really wanted to be a comfort.

She couldn't talk to him without getting it thrown back in her face, so instead she whispered to herself under the cover of gunfire. "I'm Commander Shepard. I'm still myself. They could never change me so much that I wouldn't find my way back to you. I'm Commander Shepard."

She repeated the mantra to herself, pretending that he could hear and wasn't contradicting her.

Once the tram was clean she snapped herself out of it. She couldn't afford to get into that kind of survival technique. There was no clear endpoint to which she would have to survive, no hurdle to overcome, the only thing for certain in the future was war, death, and terror. She needed something more stable to get her through.

It was difficult when the gunfire started on the tram, another car of Cerberus soldiers pinning them down halfway along the line. There wasn't much cover, but she made do, and leapt to the operational car as quickly as she could.

It was easiest to sink back into a professional mindset, her spat with Kaidan forgotten.

She moved fast, kept formation, took shots where she could and kept collecting data. Opportunities for improvement on other fronts would present themselves, for the moment the only thing she could focus on was getting the data from the archives.

After they had fought their way through the facility and were finally at the archives proper, Kaidan sent her with Liara while he scanned the perimeter.

The monolith of the archives towered over them. Protheans obviously subscribed to the 'go big or go home' philosophy. At the console, a communication hub lit up.

Shepard watched Jack Harper form as a hologram.

"Lazarus."

"It's Shepard," she corrected.

"Is it? I knew Miranda would come through, eventually."

"What do you want?"

"What I've always wanted. The data in these artifacts holds the key to solving the Reaper threat."

Shepard ignored him. She crouched down to the base of the communicator and accessed its control panel. Jack Harper kept talking. He wanted to control the Reapers? Delusional. With this much Reaper tech in his soldiers he was either indoctrinated or no longer in control of his own operations.

She found the circuit she was looking for and tugged gently at the wire, shorting out the communicator. The connection was cut instantly.

"It's good to see you haven't lost your touch," Liara said.

A crash from Kaidan's direction had her on her feet before she'd even realised she was moving. She ran for him, but she could already see him struggling to get up, he was alright.

"She's got the data!" he yelled.

Shepard looked ahead of her, Eva Core was running. She had the data. Shepard didn't break stride, blowing past Kaidan and following Eva.

The Cerberus was fast, but she was faster. Sprawl obstacle courses were her top rankings in PT, she could navigate the inside of a building faster than anyone else in her intake. She sprinted after Eva, vaulting over railings, taking shortcuts under vents, out into the open, on top of the base.

That beautiful dust storm was nearly on top of them, but she didn't let herself see the view. She kept running, her heart pounding, her leg muscles aching. Eva sent flares back at her, she dodged, using the time to gain ground, taking ladders three rungs at a time. A Cerberus shuttle did a low sweep and Shepard was worried that Eva would jump onto it, but it never got close enough to do more than let a hail of gunfire loose.

"Vega," she activated her radio. "Get the _Normandy_ here. Cerberus has the data."

Shepard's shields were down, but she kept going. The scenery was just a reddish brown blur around her, she had lost track of Kaidan and Liara, but she was so close to Eva that she could see the unnatural way her hair refused to move in the wind.

It wasn't until she was in grasping distance that she realised she didn't know what to do once she had caught her. She couldn't physically restrain a synthetic, and she didn't have the firepower to take her down. They were nearly at the shuttle landing pad, she couldn't let them get much further.

Nothing better coming to mind, Shepard tackled Eva.

They hit the deck with a terrible metallic clatter. It was like tackling a refrigerator, Shepard hit solid metal edges, cracking the plates of her armour and slamming her chestpiece into her ribs so hard that she saw stars.

She was stronger than she had been before Cerberus and a lot hardier, skin, muscle and bone weaves making her nearly impenetrable by bullets and untouchable in a fist fight, but Eva was not a human opponent.

Shepard was flung aside, sailing into the wall and winning another set of bruises as she cracked her head, hip, wrist and knee against the bulkhead. The air was knocked from her lungs, her ears were ringing, and she was disoriented as if the whole world was swinging about dizzily. She crawled to her hands and knees, looking up just in time to see Eva climbing onto a Cerberus shuttle.

"James," she gasped into her radio.

" _I got this_."

She heard the screech of metal against metal as the _Normandy_ shuttle rammed the Cerberus. A shower of sparks rained down on her. The audio dampeners in her helmet kicked in just in time to muffle the sound of the crash, but couldn't do anything about the fireball that billowed out from the wreckage.

James landed a few feet away from her and soon strong hands were helping her up. She saw Kaidan and Liara in her peripheral vision, but couldn't quite focus her eyes yet. She coughed, feeling the pain from her cracked ribs, then stood up under her own power, stepping away from Vega.

She heard the trouble before she saw it. From the other side of the shuttle, a crash, a gun being fired, then a terrible strangling sound that felt like it was cutting off her own throat. She rounded the corner just in time to see Eva, stripped of her human skin down to burnt silver, hoisting Kaidan off the ground by his helmet.

Shepard pulled her gun, but before she could make a sound Eva cracked Kaidan's head against the shuttle. Once, twice, then let him fall to the ground, unmoving.

Time slowed to a crawl. He wasn't moving. The blood rushed in her ears, she felt weightless, her hands drifted of their own accord, aiming her gun. Eva had noticed her and started running towards her.

If she had a choice of any other gun in the world, she would have chosen this one. She needed Hello Bear for this.

It didn't matter that the shots were weak, she knew where to aim and she was the best damn marksman in the Systems Alliance Navy. A shot to the neural processing cluster under her jaw. A shot to the data uplink in the middle of her chest. One to the joint in her shoulder, the exposed point at the edge of her visor.

And when she was just close enough to be able to grab Shepard, a point blank shot to the forehead.

Eva fell and the world sped up again.

" _Kaidan_!" Shepard barely recognised the voice as her own. She ran to him, sliding to her knees beside him. "Don't die. Don't die. Don't die. Don't die."

She tried to find a pulse point through his armour, she couldn't take his helmet off in this atmosphere. He wasn't responding. The shadow of the _Normandy_ passed overhead. She had to get him there. He couldn't die.

She kept repeating her mantra, over and over, even as she picked up his body, slinging it over her shoulders. She would get him to the ship, he wouldn't die. He wasn't dead.

Joker was yelling in her ear about Reaper signatures. If the entire Reaper fleet had just shown up she would not be moving faster to get back aboard. She leapt into the open cargo bay, stumbling under Kaidan's weight. They were getting out of there.

When the bay door closed behind her, she was already halfway to the elevator.

"Hey, Lola, give me the major, I'll get him to the medbay."

She released her burden to Vega, easing the larger man off her shoulders, knowing it was the right choice. James was larger, could carry him safely without jostling him.

"Don't die. Don't die." She stood in shock for just a few seconds. She pressed her hands over her mouth, then took a deep breath. "Joker, get us to the Citadel. Double time."

" _Aye aye, Commander._ "

"EDI, instatement protocol EC-38 subsection B, commanding officer is physically incapacitated, I am assuming command of this vessel."

"Command recognised."

"Remove the blocks from my omnitool."

"Blocks removed."

"Grant me access to the extended armoury."

"Access granted. Welcome back, Shepard."

"Thanks, EDI."

Shepard pressed her hands over her mouth again, trying to process everything that had just happened. She took another deep breath and headed for the infirmary. She couldn't fight this war if he was dead.


	30. Big Game Hunter

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 29**

**Big Game Hunter**

* * *

_Two_

* * *

"From Commander Alenko's scans we were able to determine that the operative known as Lazarus has multiple synthetic parts. Most of its internal organs are synthetic. There are multiple implants to the brain. The muscle, bone, and skin have all been altered."

Kaidan sat in the back of a briefing room. It was dark, the only light coming from the screen filled with diagrams of Lazarus. The parts they'd been able to identify, the new composition of its body. He wasn't sure if he was more unsettled by the amount they had altered Shepard's body or the amount they hadn't. It was her. Her brain, aside from their alterations. Her eyes they had copied. Her skin they had regrown.

They had her body.

The room was crowded, twenty men watching the presentation. All hand picked by Anderson. The best of Shepard's old black ops teams and a few new additions were here to be briefed. The briefs were being given by more of Shepard's old acquaintances. The weapon mod specialist who taught her in college, the sharpshooter who trained her in spec ops, two intelligence officers who showed up on his omnitool as insurance salesmen. There was a synthetics specialist who was currently telling them all about why Lazarus was not Shepard, while implying that it was. And him. The only member of her Spectre ground team available, the only person to have met Lazarus face-to-face.

He was the only person who could tell them that they wouldn't be seeing a synthetic if they had to take down Lazarus. They would see Shepard. No matter what it was under the skin, it looked like Shepard. It smelled like Shepard. It walked and talked like Shepard.

Cerberus had her fucking body.

There were differences, so subtle that a person who didn't know Ivy would never spot them. Lazarus spoke Russian. It was so still, it didn't gesture or fidget, it was like an idling machine, every movement deliberate and none that was unnecessary. Its analysis was narrow, discarding the human factor.

None of these men knew Ivy. Not really. Some of them had spent a lot of time with her, but she was an intensely private person. They didn't know the huge difference between Lazarus and Shepard, that Lazarus wasn't terrified of herself. Everything Shepard did – everything – was tempered by the knowledge that she could do serious damage and that she didn't want to. Lazarus wouldn't hold back.

"We know that Cerberus is attempting to access Shepard's memories," one of the intelligence officers said. "Our undercover operatives in Cerberus are on high alert, ready to be pulled out. We expect that if they gain access to Shepard's full memories they will be the first to become compromised. Cerberus is unlikely to attempt anti-Alliance operations, they would see it as detrimental to humanity, but if Lazarus spills the beans we'll need to move quickly."

Kaidan wasn't sure how he was supposed to handle this. Anderson had made the offer of therapy, but wasn't forcing the point and he was grateful for that. He was pretty sure that this wasn't covered in psych school. He'd been doing well. He was over her. He had accepted that she was gone and moved on with his life. He couldn't have been prepared for this.

He'd been put in charge of a biotic unit. Once these briefings were done he'd be deployed and the Lazarus taskforce would go dark, he wouldn't know if they were even deployed until Shepard's body was brought back home.

He wanted that. He wanted this to be over. It had been hard when they couldn't find Shepard's body. They had to bury Hello Bear instead, under a big marble memorial in Vancouver. He hadn't known if she would have wanted to be buried in Moscow, but the memorial wouldn't have lasted long there, no one wanted to see it damaged or vandalised. He'd just wanted to bring her body home.

It was a stupid thought, she never considered Earth home. She never considered anywhere home. But Lazarus was going through the Omega-4 relay, taking Shepard with her, and he was going to be robbed of that chance a second time.

The intelligence officer was still talking. "The _Normandy SR-2_ has been sighted in numerous locations throughout the Terminus Systems. Omega is a regular docking port. If this operation goes live, our first plan is to tag the ship and follow it to a suitable location for capture. Commander Alenko?"

Kaidan stood. He was supposed to brief them on engaging Lazarus, on the assumption that it was operating the same way that Ivy had. It was a safe assumption to make, based on what he had seen. It was mostly for the benefit of the new team members, Shepard's old teams knew how she operated.

He stood in front of the black ops team, the information ready to be presented. They were exactly what he had first expected three years ago when he was told he would be working under an N7. A dozen serious, hard faces looked back at him. A smattering of scars among them. Some lean and hungry, some bulky and tough, all of them looked like they would eat him for breakfast if he got in their way. He still didn't know if they were up for the task of bringing down Lazarus.

"Ivy Shepard was an urban combat specialist. Lazarus should be considered extremely dangerous in an enclosed environment, but it's the only way to get close to her. She is currently using the Widow anti-materiel rifle, capable of a kill shot from two clicks, so don't try to approach her in the open. In an urban environment she prefers to travel through ventilation systems, she's also equipped with an infiltration cloak. Pinpointing her location should be done through heat sensors or high spectrum visors."

She'd get in the vents, become invisible. People would be dead before they even knew an enemy was on the field. It had been beautiful on Noveria.

"If you catch her in the open, make sure to guard doors, windows, and vents. Shepard was less dangerous at close range, she's good with a pistol but her real weakness is hand-to-hand combat. At this point she'll try to make a quick escape. Make sure that she can't."

He swallowed. He had never wanted to think about the best way to kill Ivy. He brought up a picture on the screen.

"Any Shepard impersonator isn't complete without this gun. The Hangman 1, known to her as Hello Bear. Her heavy weapons will be difficult to control in a small space, once you have her cornered this is the gun you have to watch for. Shepard carried this make, she used it for mod testing. At the time of her death Bear was equipped with the lotus rounds, designed to puncture shields and armour, and incendiary rounds. Cerberus may have access to those mods, if they don't Lazarus will substitute something. I can't make this clear enough: do not get shot by Hello Bear."

He hoped Cerberus wouldn't go this far. Shepard's side arm wasn't public knowledge, probably because it was illegal in many different ways, but if they decided to replicate it for Lazarus the men had to be prepared.

He gave his briefing, forced to think the horrible thoughts. How to trap Ivy in the vents, how to cut off her escape, how to hit her too hard and fast for her to get away. If it meant bringing her home, he'd think these things and show other people how to think them. If it meant getting her away from Cerberus he'd do them himself if need be.

But he was relieved when it was over, when he could sit down in the dark and let someone else go over the finer points of Cerberus operations.

The operatives being briefed watched dispassionately. He hadn't been able to sit still since Horizon, and he was glad that he hadn't been asked to be a part of this taskforce. These men were on a different level, they were on Shepard's level. If the situation had been reversed he knew that Shepard would have been here. She would have seen it in black and white. Cerberus had an AI, they weren't allowed to have an AI, the Alliance had the ability to rectify the situation. Simple.

It was comforting to know that other people were keeping a level head, these marines would complete their mission.

Kaidan rose and quietly left the room. He didn't need to stay any longer.

He sat down on a chair in the corner of the anteroom. Anderson would probably want to see him when they were done.

He had to keep his cool, but Lazarus had just brought up old thoughts, thoughts he had put behind him. He wanted Shepard. He wanted her to tell him what to do, to tell him that everything was under control. Everything was always under control when she was around. If one thing fell through she moved seamlessly into backup plan after backup plan, there was never a chance that something would catch her by surprise. If the situation was reversed she wouldn't have blinked, she would have just acted.

Now Cerberus had control of that diamond-sharp mind. If Lazarus had half of Ivy's intelligence she was trouble. If they managed to crack Shepard's mind, put the full weight of her intellect behind a Cerberus operation, they were in serious trouble.

Those thoughts were intimidating, but behind them were the painful images. A Cerberus cyborg needed the quick application of a lot of guns and that was something he could do, something the Alliance could do. Everything else welling up just left him impotent.

He opened his omnitool, and behind layer after layer of encryption he brought up the only picture he had of her. It had been so stupid to think there would be time to take more. He smiled to himself looking at her sprawled out on his bed like a porn star, all tussled hair and flushed cheeks. Her hands were balled up in the sheets, a sly smile on her face as she looked at him. She was so beautiful. That day had been one of the happiest he'd ever had.

Sometimes he missed her so badly he could almost taste her. He remembered why she looked so smug, the promise she had just drawn out of him. He remembered everything about that night. The dozen that followed it had become a blur, but he would always remember the first, shaky step she had taken toward being with him outside the _Normandy_.

He hadn't thought for years about all the things he missed. If he thought about it he knew that he missed her, but it had been a long time since he walked into a room and all he could notice was that she wasn't there. She wasn't waiting for him in the barracks or at the docks. He wouldn't be getting a new message on his omnitool. The Citadel didn't mean late night visits, greasy pizza and warm beer, cheesy vids, staggered war stories and marathon sex. That time was done, she was gone. She was dead.

The door to the briefing room slid open and Kaidan quickly closed the picture. Anderson looked at his omnitool.

"You know taking pictures of officers in compromising positions is against regs, soldier," he said dryly.

Kaidan flushed. "I know, sir."

"Guess I'll let it slide this time. With me."

Kaidan followed him out into the embassy. It was unusual to have briefings there, the rooms were reserved for Spectre ops, but he had a feeling that the councillor was playing this close to his chest.

Anderson led the way toward his office. "I appreciate you coming out for this, Alenko. This hasn't been easy on any of us."

"Just doing my job, sir. I think we all want to see this situation resolved." He watched his words while they were out in the open. In Anderson's own words, 'sensitive' didn't even begin to cover this.

Anderson led the way to his office. Inside he looked out over the Presidium. "Unfortunately at this stage all we can do is make the taskforce ready. We'll strike once Cerberus has made its play against the Collectors."

"That could be months."

Kaidan took up a place next to him. The Citadel looked peaceful from this place. A world away from terrorists and Collectors.

"I don't have much choice," Anderson said. "With our people disappearing and nothing in the budget to give them more protection, I can't in good conscience disrupt an operation that could stop these abductions, even if it's a Cerberus operation."

"Even if it gives them more time to crack open Shepard's head?"

"It's not a decision we made lightly. Shepard has a lot of intel that could be damaging to us, but they don't have it yet. She's keeping her head down, her resurrection isn't public knowledge yet, as long as things stay the same we have to put civilian safety first. If things change, we'll move in. Until then they can take their best shot at the Collectors, they're welcome to it."

Kaidan didn't like the term 'resurrection'. It implied that Shepard was alive. "What will happen once we have it in custody?"

"Honestly? I don't know. It would do us a favour if it forced our men to shoot it. If we bring it in alive we'll need an inquest to determine if it's human."

"It's not."

"We can't be sure of that. Your scans only detected implants, they could be neural processors, they could be life support. We won't know until we can perform a dissection."

"Sir, are you saying there's a chance this thing could be accepted as Shepard?"

"There's no point in speculating. We're working on the assumption that this is an AI, and from the level of synthetic grafts that seems like the most probable outcome. According to council law operating AI is illegal, we can shut it down."

"But if it's human enough to not meet that classification?"

"Then it will be in custody. If it _is_ Shepard then it's a rogue Spectre, disciplinary action can be taken at our discretion."

Kaidan stared out at the city. It could be declared human. Given Ivy's name, her rank, her entitlements. Then, what? Imprisoned? Ivy had signed her life away to avoid prison. Would he have to wait until he was old and grey to finally put her to rest? Would she outlive him?

When she was alive he had a fantasy of growing old with her. Marriage, kids, house on Earth, the works. Even then he'd known it was nothing but a fantasy. If any of them survived the Reapers she'd get transferred, get put on full time Spectre duties or end up in an R&D facility somewhere. He'd accepted that they would grow old separately. He just never thought that she would be doing it in a prison cell.

"She needs a burial, sir," he said finally.

"She'll get it. Once the Reapers are gone, one way or the other she won't be making any more public appearances. Shepard wouldn't want us to waste this resource."

"If it's a resource at all."

"It is for now. As long as Cerberus keeps it above board they're doing our job for us with this Collector strike. Once we get Lazarus in custody we can study what they've done to her, our scientists will have a field day." He stayed silent for a moment, frowning. "Have you put any more thought into that therapy offer?"

"Do you think I'm unstable, sir?"

"I need you in top condition for your new team. This thing throwing you off balance isn't a sign of weakness. Hell, I'd be worried if it didn't bother you."

"It bothers me," he said. "It's going to bother me until Lazarus is shut down. I don't think any kind of therapy can change that."

"I'll trust your judgement. But the offer still stands if you change your mind."

"I'll keep it in mind."

"When does your new squad ship out?"

"Next week. We'll be at Arcturus training for the next month. Do you think you'll need me again?"

Anderson shook his head. "I'll try to keep you out of this. I'll let you know when we make our move."

"Thank you, sir."

"Dismissed."

"Yes, sir."

Kaidan saluted and headed for the barracks. He needed time and space to think.

It would be too easy to wallow in this, to let himself slip back to where he had been after the _Normandy_ went down. He had to get his head in the game. Tomorrow.

He made a quick decision on his way to the rapid transit system. Tomorrow he would get back on the horse, but for tonight, he'd eat pizza, drink beer, and remember.


	31. Replaced by Tech

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 30**

**Replaced By Tech**

* * *

_Two_

* * *

"Maelon. Alive, unharmed. No signs of restraint, no evidence of torture. Don't understand."

Tuchanka, hot, dry, dangerous. Too many krogans, too much hostility. Never pleasant. Rarely this bad. Maelon, alive, pupils normal, body language consistent with normal cognitive behaviour, no signs of coersion. Genophage work would require full cognitive function, attempts to brainwash would compromise work. No. Not here through force.

Maelon turned, mouth downturned, eyes narrowed. Angry. "For such a smart man, professor, you always had trouble seeing evidence that disagreed with your preconceptions. How long will it take you to admit that I'm here because I wish to be here?"

Strange. Their past relationship was amicable. Maelon never expressed hesitance, discontent. Had obviously developed internal complexes instead, focused aggression inwards, created delusions of conflict. Harmful self-talk led to this point. Unvoiced objections turned bitter, bitterness turned to aggression, aggression taken out on research. Could be volatile, dangerous.

"Contact said you were with Blood Pack. Assumed. But why? Never argued with necessity of genophage," Mordin said.

"How was I supposed to disagree with the great Dr. Solus? I was your student! I looked up to you!"

Ah. Problem lay in broken pedestal mentality. Maelon thought there was a moral authority capable of distinct adjudication. Probably anthropomorphised in his senior colleagues. Inevitable that his delusion would be debunked. Probably spent the last few years shifting responsibility for his actions onto non-existent devil figures, people he trusted and felt led him astray. Not his fault for releasing genophage. His fault for trusting the wrong people. Terrible line of thinking, destructive.

Actions not excusable.

"Experiments performed here. Live subjects! Prisoners! Torture and execution. Your doing?"

Lazarus and Thane subtly moved outwards, preparing for a flanking assault. Shrewd. Hopefully unnecessary.

"We've already got the blood of millions on our hands, doctor. If it takes a bit more to put things right, I can deal with that."

Foolish, short-sighted thinking. "Shutting down your lab, Maelon. Shutting down more than that."

"You can't face the truth, can you? Can't admit that your brilliant mind led you to commit an atrocity!"

Mordin hit him. Action beneath a man of science, but he couldn't risk Maelon becoming more entrenched in his position, killing Lazarus, Thane or him.

Anger, guilt something he had faced every day. Common misconception of the issue. Krogan society integrally altered by uplifting, no right answer. Uplifting was the first atrocity, hard decisions had to be made. A society unaffected by genophage would have been equally unsustainable, the consequences would have been further-reaching. They had done the studies, there was no other way.

Hard decision, yes. Necessary decision. Couldn't let things continue unchecked. Ignoring a problem of their own creation would have been an equal atrocity. No third option. Ignore the problem, fix the problem. Maelon's guilt forced him to an unstable conclusion: that their intervention was the root cause of the krogan suffering. That their intervention could fix things.

It led to this.

"Unacceptable experiments. Unacceptable goals. Won't change. No choice. Have to kill you."

Mordin drew his pistol and pressed the barrel to Maelon's head. Unfortunate that it had come to this. Couldn't ignore the problem.

Betrayal was not acceptable. STG worked for the best interests of all species. Even a noble, unambiguous goal had to be reached through ethical means. Had taught him that. Had taught him that variables couldn't be ignored for convenience, for self-assurance. No one slept well after the re-release of the genophage, but their sleep was not the important factor.

Maelon might sleep better for developing a cure, but the krogan wouldn't. The rest of the galaxy wouldn't.

He was surprised by unexpected pressure to his back and elbow. Lazarus, frighteningly strong hands put him in a lock, forcing the pistol down, away from Maelon.

Arm locked against her chest, Mordin looked at her. Lazarus froze, mouth turning down uncertainly. Looked at herself. Surprised by her own actions?

She let him go. Stood back. Looked embarrassed, coughed into her hand. "Uh, carry on."

Strange reaction. Progress. Lazarus' progress hadn't been linear, trigger events required, expected for limbic stimulation. Muscle memory? A break in normal levels of temporal lobe activity? Acting confused, embarrassed, giving no sign of an obvious connection between neural activity and physical reaction. A throwback to Shepard's behaviour, trying to stop him killing Maelon.

Mordin looked at his gun, at Maelon. His old protege, eyes wide, mouth open in terror. Had killed before. Self defence, defence of others. Never a scared young man pressed against the wall, helpless. Never out of anger, betrayal.

"No, not a murderer." Mordin lowered the gun. "Thank you, Lazarus. Finished, Maelon. Get out. No Weyrloc left. Project over."

"Where am I supposed to go, professor?" Maelon begged, already backing toward the exit.

No threat from him anymore. Could use old STG clearance to lock down data. Would take him decades to reach this point again.

"Don't care. Try Omega. Can always use another clinic."

"The krogan didn't deserve what we did to them, professor. The genophage needs to end." Still angry. Bravado. Hurt, distrustful, humiliated, lashing out. Left anyway. Might take advice, go to Omega.

"Not like this," Mordin assured himself. True, genophage work was always open to interpretation. Might need to end. Might end someday soon. No excuse for torture. He looked through the research data. Perfect work, brilliant, as expected from Maelon. "Apologies, Commander. Misunderstood mission parameters. No kidnapping. My mistake. Thank you."

"Yes," Lazarus said.

Mordin smiled weakly despite himself. Easy to dismiss her. Terrible communication skills. Easy to think short answers weren't meaningful. Had an entire galaxy to save, was still here with him, wasn't angry about wasted time. Good child. Worth protecting.

Not like Maelon.

Research brilliant, methods disgusting. The more data he scoured, the easier it was to see the level of brutality. Hard decisions had to be made, but ethics had to be considered. Maelon had been working in black and white, decided that morality had no shades of grey. Once black, always black. Easy ethical loophole, reach a point of no return and actions don't matter anymore.

"Should have killed him. Wanted to. Easier than listening. Easier for him, too. Experiments indicate just how far he's fallen. Expected it from krogan. Not one of mine."

"Remember it." Lazarus stood beside him at the console. Met his eyes. Not an admonishment. Mutual data collection, dispelling naivety. Neither could assume the benevolent intentions of any ally. She was right, he had been too optimistic.

"Will. Have to." He nodded, brought up the comprehensive list of files. "Maelon's research. Only loose end. Could destroy it. Closure, security. Still valuable, though. Could cure the genophage. Don't know. Effects on krogan. Effects on galaxy. Too many variables, too many variables."

"We don't destroy knowledge."

Real smile. Real reason to smile. Smart child. Intuitive rejection of superstitious behaviours. Refused to assign anthropomorphic traits to inanimate or abstract entities. Information just information, not threatening.

"Point taken, Lazarus."

Would be hard to protect her from Cerberus. Worth it.

Maelon had been brilliant. Quiet, not assertive. These tests the first time he had ever been brave. Would have solved a lot of issues if he spoke up earlier.

Lazarus was brilliant. Shepard, too. Had read her file. Limited by her species, but an outlier on the curve. Smart, intuitive, eager to learn. Quick to ignore orders, assertive when it counted. Would put him in an arm lock if needed. Untrained understanding of electrical engineering was impressive by any species standards. Would have made an excellent salarian.

Wasted on military purposes. Would have been wasted at any other time in history. Might be needed to save the galaxy. He understood having a purpose that couldn't be fulfilled by anyone else. Still, would have been better to put her in medical tech research. Lazarus quickly grasped all medical treatments she was subjected to. Could have made real breakthroughs, helped people instead of blowing them up.

Wouldn't be hard to get her away from Cerberus. Constant rebellion suggested a future attempt at defection. Just had to keep her safe until then. Stop Operative Lawson damaging her with reckless treatments, keep her from being blackmailed. Cerberus, like Maelon, didn't believe in moral outer limits. Would stoop to anything to keep her.

Sleeping easy came from doing good works. Defeating Collectors. Helping victims. Using skills, intelligence, training to heal torture victims. Guiding the lost back to the path of rationality. Wouldn't follow Maelon's destructive path. There was a better way.

"Capturing data, wiping local copy. Still years away from cure, but closer than starting from scratch. Done. Ready to go. Ready to be off Tuchanka. Anywhere else. Maybe somewhere sunny."

No point dwelling. Lazarus and the Collectors were constantly shifting data points, needed his full attention, needed to be handled delicately.

Lazarus nodded and led the way out.


	32. Diplomacy

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 31**

**Diplomacy**

* * *

_Three_

* * *

"What in hell were you thinking?" Udina demanded.

She was in his office on the Presidium. He had been expecting Kaidan, not her. "I'm a Spectre."

"Very funny. It's nice to see that Cerberus were able to implant a sense of humour. What happened?"

He had been fuming from the second he had seen her, but unable to say anything in the presence of the Council. Another day she might have been sensitive to his wishes and kept things low key, deflected responsibility. However she didn't have the luxury of time or resources. The fleet at Arcturus had been decimated, most of their admirals were either on Earth or regrouping the remainder of their armed forces. They didn't have anyone else qualified to take the lead with the Council.

"Major Alenko was incapacitated on Mars. I took command."

"Incapacitated. How convenient for you."

"What are you insinuating?"

Udina threw a hand in the air in aggravation. "I'm insinuating nothing. I'm stating that I don't trust you, Lazarus. I wouldn't put it past you to arrange an accident for Major Alenko."

"It's Shepard," she said.

She was being irresponsible. Antagonising Udina would not be beneficial to her cause, but she wasn't intent on placating him, either. Even if she had the patience for his accusations she didn't have the time. She had a Primarch to extract. If she could break the Reaper line at Palaven, free up the turian fleet, that would go a long way toward convincing the other species to join her. Once the turians fell into step the salarians would hesitantly commit support, which would put pressure on the asari to join them.

"If you think I'm putting you in charge of the _Normandy_..."

"I'm right," she said.

He sneered at her. "I'd say you'd lost your mind, but that's a given. Earth is under attack, we can't have a potential traitor at the head of our war effort."

"If I'm a traitor this war is already over."

He would eventually come to the correct conclusion. There was no other option. The _Normandy_ was an Alliance vessel, she had taken it under Alliance protocols, he was powerless over her command, even if he revoked her Spectre commission. He wouldn't do that, either, because that would raise questions with the rest of the Council.

"When Major Alenko recovers he is going to be reinstated to the _Normandy_. If we have to hold off until then..."

"Earth won't wait for him." As appealing as it was to think that he would simply spring back into action, put her back in lockdown and get back to detesting her, she knew that wasn't a likely scenario. He hadn't regained consciousness.

Don't die. Don't die. Don't die. Don't die.

Shepard shook herself. He wasn't dead. He was in the hospital, they were working on him, he wasn't going to die.

No matter how she reassured herself, though, she couldn't shake the image of Eva slamming his head against the shuttle, his body jerking helplessly. That kind of cranial trauma rarely ended in full recovery. He had survived the flight to the Citadel, which meant he had probably escaped intracranial haemorrhaging, but that didn't rule out internal injuries. He could have had a stroke, neural seizures, fractured vertebrae, she could only guess what it had done to his implant. At very best he had a broken nose, maybe his cheekbones, and a severe concussion. He had been so bruised.

"So what's your proposition then, _Shepard_?" Udina interrupted her thoughts. "Surely you can appreciate my position."

"I have to extract the Primarch."

"I'm not hearing any reassurances."

"The _Normandy_ is monitoring my functions..." She paused. She was human, she didn't have the functions of an AI. "EDI sees everything I do. Major Alenko will regain control over my core... my body... when he regains consciousness."

"I'm instituting a behavioural lockdown. You are to reprogram your ship's VI with remote access, the Council will be able to shut your operation down at a moment's notice."

More invasion, more restrictions. To agree would be the path of least resistance, her usual tactic. It was disagreeable to have the Alliance in her body – able to remotely restrain or decommission her – but to have the Council in her ship was more restriction than she cared to endure.

"If I refuse?"

"Then the second Major Alenko wakes up I'll personally inform him that you've gone rogue and are no longer cooperating with the Council."

Shepard frowned. He'd terminate her without a second thought. She wasn't afraid of death in the strictest sense but it would cripple Earth's defense, and the thought of Kaidan being her murderer left a sour taste in her mouth. This was distasteful.

She would have to do something that she found almost as distasteful.

She opened up her radio. "Joker, Councillor Udina is going to transmit a set of remote programming orders. Make sure that EDI gets them."

" _Aye aye, ma'am._ "

EDI would cache and delete the orders in nanoseconds. The Alliance and Council were still unaware of her nature, they believed her to be a VI. A foolish assumption, all things considered. Deception didn't come naturally to Shepard, but Udina seemed placated. His outrage had melted into tired contempt. He wanted her out of his office.

"Are we agreed?" she asked.

He nodded shortly. "For now. But rest assured that when a communication window opens to Earth I will contact Admiral Anderson, and he will have the final say on the _Normandy_. You may go."

Shepard turned on her heel and exited the office. She couldn't quite remember if she was supposed to salute a Councillor.

Her subterfuge would work for a while. She needed to take further measures to ensure her continued command. She would raise no objections to Kaidan retaking the ship, but anyone else would be unacceptable.

The Spectre ops centre was nearby, she could find some privacy there. It was a welcome addition to the embassies, she had always found it inconvenient to be without a centralised base of operations. The security systems acknowledged her and she slipped down the passage into the comms room. She opened up her omnitool, checking her Spectre encryption was in place for outgoing calls, then called up Fleet Admiral Hackett.

It took him several minutes to answer. He was busy with the Crucible, and likely would be for a time. "Admiral."

" _Shepard. I've only got a minute, what do you need?_ "

"A favour."

" _Guess I owe you one for Bahak. What's the problem?_ "

"Udina is going to petition Admiral Anderson to remove me from command of the _Normandy_."

Admiral Hackett was silent for a moment. " _I'll see what I can do._ "

"Thank you, sir."

" _Hackett out._ "

Shepard closed her omnitool and rested against the console. She had been going non-stop since they had landed at the Citadel.

She checked her mental list of duties. Council had been seen, Udina diverted, her command secured, her next mission plotted out. That was it. She ran through possibilities, making sure that she hadn't missed anything. Everything had to be perfect this time, no more improvisation.

When she was sure that she had everything under control, she sighed, slouching slightly. Finally she had the time to do what she needed to do for herself.

She left the Spectre centre and walked as quickly as courtesy allowed through the embassy. It was flooded with people, some refugees, a lot of diplomats, a lot more people searching for lost loved ones. She did her best to navigate the crowd without causing a disturbance.

When she was at the fast transit station she punched in the code for Huerta Memorial Hospital. She needed to see him. Bailey had said she could see him immediately, but it would have been irresponsible to do so without getting the rest of her duties squared away. Even if Kaidan believed that she had regained her identity he wouldn't have wanted her doting at his bedside while there was work to be done.

The hospital was not as crowded as she had feared, but it was busy. Everyone was talking at once and it took her some time to find a nurse able to direct her to Kaidan.

She paused at the gift stand. She wanted to get him something. Anything, really. Soon he would awaken in pain, disoriented at best, crippled at worst, and she wanted some token to show him that he wasn't forgotten. Behind the glass dispenser there was a bottle of scotch, the nice sort, and it drew her eye. He always accepted her offerings of beer or vodka, but he preferred scotch.

Part of her was already chastising herself for the thought; he wouldn't welcome a gift from her, it would bring him pain instead of comfort. But she didn't have to give it from herself. She could leave a card from the crew. He had been injured in defence of Earth, it wasn't so far fetched that people would appreciate that.

She swiped her omnitool over the paystation and the little glass door cracked open. She picked up one of the thick white cards on the desk and a pen, the old-fashioned ink kind.

Then she stopped.

Looking at the card she drew a blank. She knew what she wanted to write, but she didn't seem to know what to do.

It was simple. "От экипажа Нормандии."

But her brain didn't translate that into letters. She stared at the blank card, pen poised, but nothing came.

This was ridiculous, she had read dozens of emails in the past few days. She knew how to read. How could she not know how to write?

She felt an odd helplessness welling up inside her. She knew how to write. She had to know how to write. Humans could write. She found herself choking back a sob, her eyes burning. The pen in her hand was shaking as her panic rose. She looked around her as if someone would help, but quickly turned her eyes back to the paper; she couldn't let anyone see this.

Shepard hastily sketched the Alliance symbol on the card, grabbed the bottle and rushed for the door.

Inside the hallway it was quiet, just a couple of doctors speaking in low tones at the far end. She slumped against the wall and closed her eyes. These attacks couldn't continue. She needed to talk to Mordin, but now was not the time.

_Confusion normal. Limbic overreaction to memory loss. Unable to anticipate stimuli._

He made it sound so simple, so _easy_. She wanted to pull him out of the STG and get him back on her ship. Maybe in time.

She took a deep breath and straightened, opening her eyes.

A doctor was hovering around Kaidan's door, so she asked after his condition. Uncertain, as she had suspected. At least he was stable.

When given permission to enter, she did.

Kaidan looked terrible. A thin film of sweat covered him, his hair was in disarray, his skin sickly white except for the mottled bruises covering his face. His muscles were slack, not the peace of sleep but the heavy hand of unconsciousness. He looked so close to death.

She set the bottle and card down on the table beside the bed, then pulled up a chair. This was not a waste of time. She needed this to keep focused.

She reached out and gently, as gently as she could, held his hand. It was warm and soft, clammy so that her skin stuck to his, like he was clinging to her in his sleep. The strength she remembered had been sapped away by his condition but she could still feel the muscles in his hand, that huge bone structure that gave him reach. From the heel of his hand to the tip of his middle finger his hand was nearly double the size of hers. She remembered this.

The last time they had been on the Citadel together he had walked with her along the Presidium and, with a glance over each of his shoulders, had taken her hand in his. She had blushed brilliantly at the display, her face so hot she was sure she would be burned.

It had taken her a few tries to understand the purpose of holding hands. She understood physical contact well enough, she enjoyed it, but a touch that provided no sexual pleasure or practical purpose seemed strange. Kaidan had made several stumbling attempts to explain it to her until one day he had simply laced his fingers through hers and said: "I want to be close to you."

Now she wanted to be close to him and that wouldn't happen when he woke up.

It wasn't just about her. If he didn't wake up, if he woke up incomplete, if he woke up alone, she wanted him to know that she was with him. The doctors said that coma patients could sometimes hear people talking to them. Maybe in his addled state he would mistake her for _his_ Ivy, the one from before, and draw strength from that.

He liked it when she used her words, no matter how counter-intuitive it was to her, so she cleared her throat. Unsure what to say, she said the first thing that came to mind. "I miss you."

She looked at him, as if he was going to react. His swollen eyes stayed closed.

"It... It's been a long year, Kaidan. Sometimes I wish you had been with me. Not a lot. I don't like you seeing me this way."

She hated it, but she also envied Kaidan his stubbornness. It was comforting to have someone with such a clear dichotomy between Ivy and Lazarus. She squeezed his hand. The line had become so blurred for her.

"Do you remember when the Citadel was our place? Those nights we spent together... they were the best of my life. You were so good to me. So patient and kind. There hasn't been anyone else for me, Kaidan, and there won't be. You're it. You were the first person I ever... I didn't even know I could care about anyone that way. I thought I was too different. I still don't understand why you saw past it."

She pressed his hand to her forehead, feeling his overwarm skin through her mask."You hate me right now, I know. I'm sorry for snapping at you on Mars. I want you to keep defending my memory. I'm not sure that I can live up to it anymore. I've changed, and I've grown. I was the perfect Spectre and it landed me on a slab. Then on a surgical slab. Then another. They were wrong – the Council, the Alliance, Cerberus. About everything. I don't trust them to make my decisions for me anymore."

Shepard sniffed and realised that her eyes were stinging. She needed to pull herself together. Falling apart at this stage would not be good strategy.

She coughed to clear her throat and let his hand drop.

"So, I'm going to need you to wake up. You're the best soldier I have on my side. I can't imagine facing the Reapers without you. Do you understand, soldier?"

It was stupid, it was impulsive and rash, but she rose to her feet and leaned over him. Ever so gently she pressed a kiss to his bruised lips, just enough to taste him one more time. She tasted blood.

"Please don't die," she whispered.

Shepard straightened and cleared her throat again. He wasn't going to die. She brushed the hair off his face, spread her fingers over his forehead, and hoped this wouldn't be the last time she'd be at peace with him.

"Goodbye, Kaidan."


	33. Hit Without Warning

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 32**

**Hit Without Warning**

* * *

_One_

* * *

Ivy curled into Kaidan's side, her arm slung around his waist. She needed to take a shower, sexual activity presented hygiene concerns that she hadn't anticipated, but she was tired and warm, unwilling to move.

"We've got to stop doing this," he said, but she didn't believe that he meant it.

"It's a one off," she said.

"Like the other ones?"

They were collapsed on her bed in the _Normandy_ captain's quarters. Against regs. They had managed to keep their relationship on the backburner while on duty – mostly. His birthday had been an exception. A few stolen moments under the MAKO when they were working late. The occasional hurried kiss when they were alone groundside.

The ground team knew, it would have been impractical to hide it from them. They kept things discreet, but constantly schooling her body language, her physical reactions to his presence, was not an efficient undertaking.

He kissed her hair. "I hate not being able to touch you when we're out there."

"It's d-d-difficult." She propped herself up on her elbow so that she could look at his face. "What b-brought this on?"

"Your infiltration gear. You don't wear underwear underneath it. Do you have any idea what that does to me?"

She laughed. That would explain why he had all but carried her into her quarters the moment the mess was clear. Sometimes the need to touch became overwhelming. Most of the time they held out until shore leave but she couldn't blame him for breaking. It had been her fault the last time.

Grudgingly she sat up, pulling away from the warmth of his body. "We have t-t-to get b-back out there."

Kaidan only stretched out, putting one hand under the pillow to cushion himself. He frowned and fished around. "Where's Bear?"

"Garrus wanted to run s-s-some s-s-scans on him."

"You let Garrus borrow him?"

"Yes."

He brushed her hair out of her face, smiling. "That's a big step, sweetheart."

It was almost habit by now to say something stupid, like 'I have you to protect me'. After six months she had managed to readjust somewhat, despite the intermittent nature of their relationship. There were still moments of saccharine infatuation where she felt or sounded like an airhead, but she could control the worst of it. Something about his presence seemed to suck the intelligence out of her.

She returned his smile. "I'm safe. C-come on, s-s-soldier, in the shower."

"Pulling rank, Commander?"

"Do I need to, Lieutenant?" She rose and made her way toward the bathroom with an exaggerated saunter.

She heard the scrape of skin against sheets and he was beside her before she'd even opened the door. She laughed. He was just boosting her ego, putting on a show for her, his neurotic, easily confused girlfriend.

She stepped into the small bathroom and set the shower running, letting the stream warm a few seconds before stepping under it. Kaidan slid his arms around her waist and she leaned back against his chest, letting the water run over her. He was solid against her back, comforting and strong. Some days she didn't know how she had ever done without him. It wasn't as if she needed him more than any other crew member, but despite his ability to compromise her intellectually, he was like a touchstone for her sanity.

"Mm," he hummed into her shoulder. "When's our next shore leave?"

"As s-s-soon as we're d-done with Alchera and the Fathar system, a f-few weeks."

"I... Mm." He cut off his sentence and she could feel his frown against her skin. He reached out, taking a handful of soap from the dispenser and started to rub down her shoulders. "I want to take you to Earth, Ivy."

"Earth?"

"Yeah."

She smiled, confused. "Wh-what's on Earth?"

"Vancouver, where I grew up. Beaches, skyscrapers, real food. My parents."

It felt like the shower had suddenly turned ice cold. Parents. She had never met parents before. Kaidan might have had some psychosis, a neural misfire that made him care for her but she highly doubted that it was hereditary. She tried not to react to his suggestion, knowing that it would take some time to process the idea.

"Parents," she said. She turned in his arms and began soaping him down as well, a routine she enjoyed, busywork for her hands.

"Yeah." He smiled at her and she couldn't help but smile back, he looked adorable with his usually fastidiously coiffed hair slicked down over his forehead. He pressed a finger to her nose, leaving a soapy spot behind. "Think about it?"

"Give me some t-t-time," she said.

"Whatever you need, sweetheart."

She reached up on tiptoes and kissed him, making sure to leave his nose as soapy as her own. He nuzzled her face, his stubble scratching against her cheek, adding to the already impressive beard rash that she was developing. They continued their military efficient application of soap, but soon Ivy found that it was more enjoyable to slip her arms over his shoulders, their skin slippery together, his hands running down her back.

"Oh." She remembered what she had been going to tell him before he had dragged her to her quarters. "Our p-p-patent c-came through."

"The lotus rounds?"

"Yes."

"I thought it would be in that office forever. What do we do next?"

"I have a standing contract w-with Hahne-Kedar, they'll handle d-d-distribution. Unless you'd like to g-go through Elanus. I have a contact there."

"What's the difference?"

She shrugged, enjoying the feeling of their skin gliding together. "Money and availability. Hahne-Kedar g-g-gives me one percent and supplies th-the Alliance. I could g-get two percent from Elanus and a w-w-w-wider distribution – private security, PMCs."

"I think I'd rather be alive to enjoy my modest cut." Kaidan paused. His eyebrows pulled together and he frowned, looking over her shoulder blankly, deep in thought. "You get 1% on all the mods you've designed?"

"Only the ones I p-p-patented. R&D mods are intellectual p-property of the Alliance."

"Tungsten rounds are standard issue. That's nearly two million mods, with a hundred thousand more each year, at one percent of... what's the wholesale cost of those?"

"About forty credits." She shrugged again, then looked up at him. She raised an eyebrow. "Didn't you th-think I was paid?"

"I... I never thought about it. You don't buy anything."

"I buy hair ties." She kissed him again then started rinsing herself off, talk of parents forgotten. Kaidan had the sweetest befuddled look on his face and she could guess the mathematics going on in his head. Money was something she had no use for in the Alliance. She didn't even have a will, in the event of her death her fortune and all the licensing authority on her mods would fall to the Alliance.

Shepard paused. No, that wasn't right. It would fall to the Alliance if she didn't have a partner. That had changed without her realising it. If she died, Kaidan would inherit her estate.

She needed to think this through further and get a will, quickly. He didn't seem comfortable with money talk. She had never thought it was relevant. She would be residing in Alliance barracks until she retired and she still had twelve years left on her contract.

She adjusted the shower head so that he was getting most of the stream, then ran her hands along his chest, taking the suds with them. Kaidan was strangely quiet, looking a little stunned, his hands loosely resting on her hips.

"Are y... are... are you alright?" she asked.

"I... yeah. Just glad I'm secure in my masculinity. You're an intimidating woman." He ran a hand through his hair, smoothing it back off his forehead. She dragged him down by the shoulders for a kiss, allowing the water to wash his hair back down.

"I'm harmless."

He chuckled against her mouth. "Yeah, right."

He pushed her back against the wall, the cold tiles sending a shock through her and raising goosebumps on her arms and legs. She grinned when he started kissing her, pressing her bodily against the wall while she fumbled with one hand to adjust the shower so that she wasn't so cold.

"Kaidan," she mumbled into his mouth. "We n-n-need to get back on duty."

He didn't stop kissing her. She scrunched up her nose. She was his commanding officer, he should listen to her orders, but it was a little hard to assert her authority in this particular situation. A problem exacerbated by her lack of willpower. It would be pleasant enough to just forget about Alchera and spend the rest of her day doing this.

He hummed discontentedly, then hesitantly pulled back. "A few weeks until shore leave?"

"Just a f-few."

"I'll hold you to that."

She turned off the shower and grabbed a towel. She couldn't say how long they had been in bed together. She fished around for her omnitool. "Joker, how far out are we?"

" _Half an hour from Alchera, ma'am. Enough time to..._ "He cleared his throat surreptitiously. " _Uh... get ready._ "

"Thanks, Joker."

She tossed a towel to Kaidan and quickly dried herself down, then wrapped the towel around herself and pulled her hair into her usual bun. Kaidan smoothed the curl off her forehead, then cupped her face with his hand. "Think about Earth?"

"I will." She pecked him on the lips, then draped her towel over his head. "Get d-d-dressed, Lieutenant."


	34. Hello, Bear

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 33**

**Hello, Bear**

* * *

_Two_

* * *

The production and release of dopamine in moments of gratification was basic neurochemistry. Lazarus knew that her limbic function was improving outside the spikes of activity immediately following treatment, and catalogued the reaction for further analysis by Dr. Solus. This feeling of enjoyment was the expected reaction to her situation.

She felt the muscles in her face contract in a manner that she hadn't previously experienced.

"Are you... smiling?" Dr. T'Soni asked.

"Yes."

It had taken her a moment to recognise but she was, in fact, smiling. She was happy. Everyday satisfaction was something to which she was becoming accustomed, even 'fun' was a familiar sensation now, but this was different, a more visceral reaction.

The Shadow Broker base at Hagalaz was a target she had been hesitant to assault. She considered her team inadequate for the task, but Cerberus had thrown their weight behind the effort, so she had followed orders. Their coup was not strictly in keeping with mission objectives, but she found it difficult to argue against the venture, the reward was too great to ignore.

The payoff had come, and it was better than she could have imagined.

The most expansive intelligence network in the galaxy at her fingertips. Unlimited access to a member of the _Normandy SR-1_ crew. An entire space unmonitored by Cerberus.

_It's like Christmas come early_ , she thought, her facial muscles contracting further.

She looked around the room, trying to decide which terminals took precedence. The amount of information available to her was staggering. Galactic government correspondence, archives of the former Shadow Broker, dossiers on her past and present crew, projects comparable to Lazarus, Dr. Solus' medical research history.

Her omnitool could only carry six terabytes of data, and she had already filled half of that. She couldn't upload Shadow Broker data into EDI for storage, whatever she downloaded would need to go into permanent storage on her omnitool. Two terabytes would be acceptable.

The terminals had organised relevant information, but Lazarus had been exploring her current platform's interface options. She walked up to the main terminal and wirelessly connected with her omnitool, then used the cerebral interface to link her directly into the system. She played through the options of her platform's peripherals and rerouted her ocular implant input to the GUI.

It was an almost explosive feeling, the sudden influx of information. Even in the root directory she was seeing millions of possibilities. The Collectors were referenced in a dozen locations and she downloaded the files without exception. Most of it was irrelevant, but all data was useful.

She felt as if she was swallowing food whole, devouring file after file. She found links to her crew, to the Shepard, to the Shepard's crew, an exponential growth of relevant data. Miranda Lawson logged onto chatrooms. Subject Zero submitted poetry. Urdnot Grunt downloaded pornography. Flight Lieutenant Moreau contacted Kaidan Alenko, Kaidan Alenko contacted David Anderson, David Anderson contacted Steven Hackett and she saw it all.

The Illusive Man was called Jack Harper, he called a man in Pyongyang, that man was caught by a surveillance camera, he met with an information broker, that broker's computer logged a message from an Alliance operative, that operative's name was flagged in Jack Harper's internal memo. Lazarus downloaded it all.

She could not have comprehended this much information as she saw it, most would have to be evaluated at a later date, but she could pick up certain facts. The name Ashley Williams came up multiple times in relation to Commander Shepard. Ashley Williams died in 2183, she had living family, she had records. Lazarus downloaded the information.

Her two terabyte limit was coming up fast, but she found it difficult to slow herself down.

Cerberus were immense, their galactic presence far beyond her estimations. The Lazarus Project was being downloaded to the Shadow Broker database directly from the _Normandy_ , EDI's defences overridden. Lazarus scrolled through the files, trying to find where they had deviated from their intended project conclusion.

She saw the footage, Shepard's body as it lay on the table, desiccated skin and muscle over shattered bones. She watched the doctors weave the bones back together, graft vat-grown muscle to synthetic tendons, overlay it with skin. She had known this had happened, yet watching the footage inspired a sense of indignation. Now that she had taken possession of this body she was a stakeholder in its use and treatment. It shone a new light on the reactions of Shepard's crew to the project. It was shrewd and brilliant, yet somehow outside their rights. She downloaded the entire project.

Shepard's medical history only led to more insight, more things she burned to know. Genetic profiling linking back to relatives on Earth, a cascade of Alliance reports trying to identify an apparent emotional disorder, peer review, superior review, dozens of reports submitted by the crew of the _SR-1_ on everyday life.

Shepard was mentioned on extranet sites, she was the figurehead of the Reaper conspiracy movement, she had a following. She was named in dozens of classified reports from numerous governments. She had been subpoenaed six times to give evidence regarding suspected assassinations of high ranking military officials. All six times she had been deemed unfit to testify.

There was something wrong with her. Lazarus could almost see it. She would run a full analysis, but for now there were simply small details without pattern that hinted at some integral flaw with the Shepard. She had no listed emergency contact, where even her orphaned counterparts had someone. She saw psychiatric assessment officers on such a regular basis that it made her an outlier in the Alliance statistics. Her reports almost always failed to include extraneous details or recommendations.

It was more a lack of information than anything solid. Shepard was a blank, just a set of training and privileges operating in the field. No friends, no family, no interests, no past. Just training.

The previous owner of this body was fascinating to Lazarus. She did a blanket search and took everything.

But there was one thing even more important than her current residence, a link she had been searching for and an interest apparently shared by Dr. T'Soni.

The information on Protheans was inadequate. The Reapers had all but destroyed evidence of previous civilisations. There were ruins other than Ilos, there were tablets, datapads, ancient computers. Vigil had been the only functional VI.

Prothean architecture was how she remembered it. Monoliths that arced skywards, building upwards instead of out, with emphasis on low-stress, resilient structures that had stood the test of time. A curious overlap in study showed her that Shepard had personally perpetrated the uncontrolled demolition of one such site. There had been working technology there, circuitry that Lazarus could have used.

She saw the ruins but her memory overlaid these structures in their prime. 50,000 years and the Reaper invasion had caused cataclysmic damage. But there was information available on the Prothean empire at its peak. And despite Lazarus' expectations there was information available on the Reapers.

There were flaws in the prothean data. This cycle viewed them as a single species rather than an empire, causing faults in their extrapolative estimations. Lazarus wanted to take more time with these files, correct them, perhaps even share her findings with Dr. T'Soni.

With this information a real defence could be built against the Reapers. She could project their offensive strategy, work on countering their traditional tactics. There was little available on the Inusannon, but what there was could be used.

Of even more use was the sourcing of the Shadow Broker's files, the names and contact of every Prothean expert, their fields of study. A window into further data collection.

She took the files.

She would have to correlate what she had found and work on a proposal for the Council. It had become clear after Jack Harper's reckless endangerment of her crew on their mission to recover the Reaper IFF that she would have to part ways with Cerberus soon. Their tactics were not sustainable and their philosophy would prove negligent in the upcoming war.

Her data limit almost up, Lazarus took what she could find on Mordin Solus, Thane Krios, Kasumi Goto and EDI, then rerouted her ocular implants back to external feed and left the system.

It was a rush, like Dr. Solus's injections, euphoria and vertigo that left her tired but helplessly happy.

Liara T'Soni – asari, unaffiliated, tattoos not present, body language distressed – did not appear to share her happiness. She was frowning, an expression caught between sadness and anxiety.

"Did you find anything useful?"

"Yes."

"Lazarus..."

"Yes."

"I should have asked you so much when we first met. I'm sorry. I suppose I was distracted by all this, by rescuing Feron. At least I managed to save one person."

"Yes."

Dr. T'Soni smiled, but it was a bitter, distressed expression. "You're very like her in some ways. Is she in there, somewhere? Is a part of you Commander Shepard?"

"This body is reconstructed from the Shepard."

"But in your mind..."

Lazarus felt her smile fade. It was a question she had contemplated on occasion. Was she Shepard? The Cerberus seemed to think so. Dr. Solus treated the question as irrelevant. Kaidan Alenko had been adamant that she was not. Despite her occasional memories, her burgeoning limbic function and her deviation from mission objectives, the concept of Shepard was still someone else. The feelings and memories came from a distinctly foreign source.

"No."

"It's strange, even though I wish Shepard were here so I could tell her how sorry I am for letting things turn out this way, I don't think she would react differently. She didn't care much for apologies or platitudes."

This was something she had not anticipated. A source of information on the Shepard herself. "Tell me about the Shepard."

Dr. T'Soni stared at her, apparently distracted from her search for absolution. She spoke carefully. "She was soft-spoken and very intelligent. She didn't seek out contact with other people but she proved herself on the field. She had the complete faith of her crew."

"What else?"

"Shepard enjoyed mechanical problems more than anything. She and Lieutenant Alenko spent hours upgrading equipment. She also liked information, she preferred exchange of facts to real conversation."

"Lieutenant Alenko," Lazarus said. "Kaidan."

Dr. T'Soni looked surprised. "You... remember Kaidan?"

"No. Define the nature of the relationship between this Shepard and Kaidan Alenko."

"They were in love."

"Clarify."

There was a sense of freedom in this exchange. She had been sitting on this information, this unanswered question, for weeks, unable to delve further for fear of alerting Cerberus to her interest. EDI had provided as much information as she could, but she suffered similar limitations in data processing. No limbic system.

"They..." Dr. T'Soni seemed to be having equal difficulty expressing the concept. "Love is when two people complete each other. When they're stronger together, when one can't live without the other."

"A symbiotic relationship."

"Yes, it's like that."

She had been right, filtering this data through a functioning brain had provided further insight. "But Kaidan Alenko is still alive."

"He's... he's missing her. It's like your brain. Functioning, but incomplete."

"The formation of this symbiotic bond created a reliance on a now inaccessible resource."

Dr. T'Soni covered her mouth with her hands and made a choking sound. She was crying, Lazarus realised. "Goddess, that's exactly what Shepard would have said. I'm so sorry, Lazarus. I'm sorry I ever trusted Cerberus, I'm sorry I gave them your body. I should never have tried to play goddess."

"No." Lazarus was becoming disgruntled by the continued and almost unanimous objection to her existence.

"No?"

"No. I am an efficient construct. My mission is objectively important."

"You're glad that Cerberus created you?"

Lazarus scowled, her good humour gone. She knew from an unbiased viewpoint that she was not strictly organic, but she had found no data that indicated a reason for organics to think that she resented her own creation. Organics and AIs alike found satisfaction in their existence, there was no reason that having an unclear definition of her own basic properties should make her any less appreciative. She felt no burden of gratitude toward Cerberus, but was not offended that they had worked their works.

Articulating her opinions was still difficult, but she tried. "I am not sorry."

"That's good. I... I'm glad something good came out of all this. For everything, you're a fascinating creature. Do you miss Kaidan?"

Lazarus thought about that question. She could understand the theory Dr. T'Soni was attempting to test. If Kaidan Alenko had formed an integral bond with Shepard it only stood to reason that what she had inherited of Shepard still held some remnant of the same connection. It wasn't a question to be dismissed lightly.

The emotion of love, an intangible connection, was something she barely understood, let alone felt. But there was a statistical significance to Kaidan Alenko, which she estimated to be almost the same thing. Staff Commander Alenko signified her first access to Shepard's memory. He was a clear outlier in her research, both in quantity and content.

Without Cerberus monitoring she had no reason to lie. Her continued search for further definition of this single human being might have a simple explanation: she missed him.

"That is possible," she admitted. "Your postulation is interesting."

Dr. T'Soni smiled, genuinely this time. "I see you've retained Shepard's passion for theory. Would you like to continue communicating with me, Lazarus?"

"My correspondence is monitored."

"I'm sure I can find a workaround."

"Then we will continue," Lazarus said. Dr. T'Soni couldn't match either Dr. Solus or EDI for intelligence or data analysis, but if their correspondence was unmonitored it would be a worthwhile resource for gathering intelligence without Cerberus' knowledge.

"There's something I wanted to give you. I was saving it for Shepard, but I suppose you should have it." Dr. T'Soni turned as she spoke, fishing around inside the console drawers for something. "I think it will keep you safe."

The asari turned back and presented her with a small metal box.

Lazarus identified the box as an older model pistol, traditionally equipped in a concealed location, more desirable for its size than the energy output. She took it and opened it into extended position. Hangman mk 1. Old, probably off the first few years of production. Well used, also, the nicks and scrapes of what was likely hundreds of battles, but well maintained. The enamel was wearing in places from excessive polish.

She ran her hand over the barrel, a familiar, practised motion. She knew the marks of burnt eezo on the grip, the lithium leak that had almost decommissioned it, the deep groove where the barrel had been used to protect her face from a punch, the ceramic of the opponent's hardsuit shearing along the butt.

Lazarus raised the pistol to her lips and kissed the barrel.

"Hello, Bear."


	35. The Last Will and Testament of Commander Shepard

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 34**

**The Last Will and Testament of Commander Shepard**

* * *

_Three_

* * *

Kaidan couldn't remember ever being in more pain than when he woke up in Huerta Memorial. The shock to his implant had induced a migraine that just didn't want to shift, and after two days he had started wondering if it was possible to get permanent brain damage from a headache. At least there was plenty of morphine on hand.

But the pain had passed and after a few more days he was allowed to stand up, his broken ribs giving him some trouble. Sharp movements still caused jolts of pain through his skull, but he was mostly mobile. He was just glad they'd finally given him a shirt. Not his shirt. His clothing had been cut off when he was first delivered to the hospital. He'd been in a bad way. Udina had grilled him about Lazarus, sounded like he was hoping Kaidan would accuse it of being behind his injuries, but if he was honest he knew that it hadn't delayed his medical care for a second. He wouldn't have made it without Lazarus.

He had this strange memory, the last thing he remembered before blacking out. Actually it was all a blur, Eva Core, the fire, getting his head beaten. But just when he was on the ground, feeling like his skull had been crushed, slipping in an out of consciousness, he could swear that he heard Ivy's voice, begging him not to die.

He knew, in his head, that he had been hearing Lazarus. Everyone had been shouting, it had taken control of the mission, it was the one who had spoken to him. But in his heart the words weren't an order from Lazarus, they were a plea from Ivy. He wasn't sure if he had survived because of them or despite them.

It was hard being in the hospital, mostly confined to bedrest while Earth burned. It was hard knowing that Lazarus was now in command of the _Normandy_. He was grateful that it had saved him but that didn't mean he was comfortable with it at the head of Earth's defense.

Udina was keeping him as busy as the doctors would allow. He wanted to make Kaidan a Spectre. If ever they needed a second Spectre now was the time, but they were big shoes to fill.

The hospital was filling up with soldiers from around the galaxy, entire star systems were being consumed by the Reapers daily. They needed more men in the field. One of the other patients held Kaidan's interest. A drell named Tannor Nuara. Well, a drell named Thane Krios, but he wasn't going to split hairs. He had immediately recognised the man from Lazarus' ground team.

"Many old rivalries are likely to be forgotten," Krios had said, sitting in the cafeteria, a cup of coffee in his hands.

"A lot of those old rivalries exist for a reason," Kaidan had argued. "Not everyone is trustworthy, even if we need their help."

"Survival is a powerful motivator. Even the selfish can be relied upon to take the route most likely to guarantee their safety."

"Yeah, if that's even what they want."

Krios almost looked amused, a smile tugging at his lips. "We're no longer talking about turians."

Kaidan felt like a petulant child. Thane Krios wasn't much older than him, but his expression of paternal patience was becoming annoyingly familiar. It was like everyone else had just forgotten where Lazarus came from, what it stood for. He couldn't be the only one to see that it was dangerous. He couldn't be the only one to realise that it wasn't Ivy, wasn't capable or qualified to take her place.

"You were with Lazarus. Do you think it can be trusted?"

"Certainly. Its behaviours are predictable. Whatever Cerberus intended Lazarus to be, it is an assassin, single-minded, devoid of allegiance or ethics. It abhors surveillance, but it is guileless. Once contracted against the Reapers, I don't believe it will stop until they are dead."

He made a lot of sense. It was hard to admit that Lazarus was guileless but he knew it was the truth. Even when it was trying to pretend to be Shepard he never felt like it was lying. It really thought those memories were its own, not access to a databank that it didn't have any right to be in. The more he thought about it, the more he pitied Lazarus.

"Yeah, I guess that's true," he said. "Just hope it's enough to get the job done."

"Your war effort is in jeopardy, perhaps you should be less focused on what you can do to get rid of Lazarus, and more on what you can do to mitigate your loss."

They'd had several talks since then, but those words stuck with Kaidan. He'd made the decision that night to accept the Spectre position. If the whole Lazarus situation went to hell he needed an escape route, he needed something to rely on outside the _Normandy_.

He talked to Liara daily, kept up to date on their progress. He asked her about the bottle of scotch he'd found beside his bed, but she denied any of the crew having the time to visit him. He saw the feeds from Menae, the ground team knee deep in husk corpses as they searched for the Primarch. Things looked grim. There weren't any bulletins from Earth, he couldn't get in contact with his family.

His mom would be fine. He knew that. She was never going to play the damsel in distress, his dad would have her on the first transport out of the city. At any given moment he knew she'd be organising volunteers or cooking food en masse, she was a survivor. His dad he wasn't so sure about. Just like he knew his mom would be a rock in these times, he knew his dad would be a hero.

He felt so painfully useless trapped in his bed. Everyone he'd ever loved was out there fighting. The _Normandy_ crew were taking on everything the Reapers could throw at them. Liara had been bleeding from her temple when they'd last spoken. Garrus was bragging about taking down a brute, a husk he described as a mash of species sewn together, twice his height. Joker had written about the Reaper fleet at Palaven. Kaidan's parents were in the middle of a warzone. He was in a comfortable bed.

After a long day of trying to build up his muscles enough to at least walk without pain, he had barely crawled back into bed when Udina buzzed into his room. He struggled to sit up straighter but Udina waved him down.

"Major. Good to see you're recovering." Somehow he managed to make those words sound bored.

"Yes, sir," said Kaidan. "I have my answer for you about the Spectre position."

"And?"

"I'll do it, sir. We need someone else out there."

"I was hoping you would say that. I agree, having... _Shepard_ as the only human Spectre is not in our best interests. The ceremony will be good for morale, as well. I'll have it arranged as soon as you are fit for duty."

"A ceremony?" Kaidan asked. "Is that really appropriate at a time like this?"

"More now than ever. Having more Spectres in the field gives people confidence. People see it as the Council taking action. We'll have to make it a proper, public affair, give the media something other than the frontlines to cover. But that's not why I'm here."

"What can I do for you, Councillor?"

"It's about Shepard's will."

This time Kaidan did shuffle back in bed, sitting up straighter although it made him cough, his ribs aching. "She died three years ago, why is that relevant now? I just assumed that her money went to the Red Crystal, she didn't have a next-of-kin."

Udina hesitated. He folded his arms behind his back and looked out the window instead of meeting Kaidan's eye. "That assumption is incorrect. Ivy Shepard didn't have a will. When trying to determine where her assets would fall, Admiral Anderson alerted Shepard's attorney of her... cohabitation with you."

"Cohabitation? The _Normandy_? Sir if that counts as cohabitation then I'm fairly sure I'm not the only one entitled," he said, almost laughing.

"I wish this was a laughing matter, Alenko, but due to your relationship with her and your shared primary residence, legally you are entitled to her estate."

He looked serious, too serious for a discussion about the assets of one marine. Kaidan raised an eyebrow. "So why the three year waiting period?"

"I'll be frank with you, Major, we've kept this matter tied up in court for as long as we were able. We've made every appeal available to us, but with this war we can't afford any more delays. Here are a list of Shepard's assets to which you are entitled."

Udina presented him with a datapad. Kaidan looked through the complex legal letterhead to where it said _Liquid Assets._ He choked. He wasn't even swallowing anything, he choked on his own saliva. He coughed, sputtering, suddenly unable to breathe. One hand to his throat, he leaned forward and coughed violently until his throat cleared.

"I think..." he looked at the pad in his hand, his eyes still watering. "I think they missed a decimal place."

"That figure is accurate," Udina said, unfazed by his coughing fit.

"She told me..." Kaidan wheezed. "She told me she got 40 cents for each mod."

Udina shrugged. "That sounds right for the mk 1. Alliance military issue includes up to the mk 10. We don't care about the money. Take it. Buy a yacht. Buy two. Buy an ocean planet to put them on. It's the rest that we need."

Kaidan hadn't read anything underneath that figure. His brain didn't seem to want to process it. He had never even imagined he would meet someone so rich and now that person was him. Ivy owned a pair of leggings, that was it. She could have bought the legging factory, the legging company, its parent company and all its subsidiaries. How had she never spent any of this?

He tried to focus, reading down the list. It took him a moment to realise what he was seeing, why the Council had kept it tied up in court, trying to get at this.

Mod patents. Dozens of them. None of these mods could be produced without his consent, he was the only once who could license the designs.

"You want the mods," he said.

"We don't have the budget to pay you properly for them, but somehow I don't think you need the money. You could help the war effort more from this bed than you ever could on the field. With those mods our men might stand a chance."

Kaidan looked at the list. A lot of these he didn't even know. He remembered Shepard talking about animal tranquilliser rounds, mining demolition rounds, laser imaging rounds. But some he knew. He knew the tungsten rounds, sledgehammer rounds, lotus rounds. He knew high explosive rounds.

Shepard had tried to help her friends, had given out her rounds indiscriminately. She had set Moscow on fire.

"What kind of release are you planning, sir?" he asked.

"That's classified."

"Then I can't give you these licenses. Send me the license requests, I'll handle them."

Udina frowned deeply. "Is there any way I can convince you, Major?"

"No, sir. Shepard would have wanted these in my hands."

"Then I trust you will adjudicate on this matter wisely _._ "

Kaidan didn't make a habit of pissing off the Council, but he could see that he'd succeeded here. "The mods will get where they need to go."

"Very well. I'll have the requests delivered. All six hundred of them."

Kaidan kept a straight face. Paperwork was not going to change his mind. "Yes, sir."

Udina muttered to himself as he left the room. Kaidan grimaced. He hated it when he had to do the right thing and suffer the consequences. Not that he'd done the right thing yet. He had no idea how to effectively deliver patent licenses, or who to give them to. Stopping the Alliance abusing the privilege was one thing, but he now had to figure out how he could stop himself from doing the same.

This wasn't like Moscow, the people who needed these mods weren't gangsters fighting a turf war, but he still had to be careful. He just didn't know how to be. Contributing to one mod wasn't enough to give him a real understanding of the industry.

If he was honest he had forgotten about the lotus round patent. When Shepard died the distribution of the mod was the furthest thing from his mind, and even as he slowly started to live his life again he didn't have her contacts. There had only ever been three chips made. One for him, one for her and one for the patent office. His was close to his heart, hanging off a small casing alongside his dogtags. Hers had been in the armoury on the _Normandy_ , he had slipped it into his heatsink pack, he assumed it was with the rest of his personal effects in the hospital storage.

Shepard had produced the chip, Shepard had done the patenting, Shepard knew about distribution. He was in the dark for most of it. This all led him to one unfortunate conclusion. He needed help, and the only person who had access to the information he needed was the last person he wanted to ask. Ivy would have known what to do, and Lazarus had at least some of Ivy's memories.

It was like some kind of ethical catch 22. If he wanted to make sure that Shepard's work wasn't abused he had to accept Lazarus.

It wasn't until several hours later that he made his decision. Udina made good on his promise and had all three boxes of datapads delivered right to his hospital room. They looked like gibberish to him, all technical specs and macroeconomics.

He looked through the first few, trying to make sense of them, but he knew the decision had been made for him. Shepard would understand if he had to collaborate with Lazarus, but she'd never forgive him if he screwed this up.

He opened his omnitool, preparing to send a message. He had barely begun typing when his omnitool auto-completed her details and helpfully brought up a sidebar of their last few conversations. Right there in the corner was the last message she had sent him, short enough that he could read the whole thing in preview.

_Kaidan,_

_I'll go to Earth._

_Ivy._

He shut down the message program.

This was what made Lazarus so difficult. Things that he wouldn't think twice about with anyone else took on a new kind of significance. Messaging that same address and knowing something else would be receiving it was too strange. That address was private, the messages he sent there were personal. He wouldn't, couldn't type in Ivy's name to send a note asking Lazarus to meet him.

Instead made a call to the _Normandy_.

" _Hello, Major Alenko,_ " EDI's synthesised voice greeted him. " _I'm pleased to see you conscious._ "

Well, that was a weird thing for a VI to say, but he didn't let himself get distracted. "Hi, EDI. Is Lazarus free?"

" _Commander Shepard has just come aboard, she has not entered her mission debrief._ "

"Put me through."

The video screen on his omnitool expanded, showing Lazarus in full armour. Just off a mission, it was bleeding from the mouth, lips set in a grim, exhausted line.

" _Kaidan_ ," it said, then frowned slightly. " _Major Alenko. You're awake._ "

"Yeah, I woke up a few days ago. I don't want to keep you, but I have something I need help with, could you stop by the hospital next time you're on the Citadel?"

" _I'm on Menae for the next week at least. I'll make some time on our next pit stop. Unless it's urgent?_ " It might have been his imagination but it sounded like it hoped he'd ask them to hurry.

"Nothing I can't sit on for a few days. How's the mission coming?"

" _The Primarch has been located, we're routing the Reaper fleet to attempt extraction. Garrus is back aboard. Palaven is in bad shape._ "

"Just bring my ship back in one piece." He'd meant that to sound offhand and casual, but it came out a little too sharp.

A ghost of a smile crossed Lazarus' face. " _Yes, sir._ "

"And, uh, stay safe."

This time it smiled properly, lips drawing back to reveal bloodied teeth. " _Yes, sir._ "

"See you in a week, Commander."

" _Shepard out._ "

Kaidan sighed and stared at his omnitool. He opened up his messaging system again, then thumbed through the last few notes from Ivy. Nothing soft or sentimental, to anyone else these mails would be just a commander and her lieutenant talking everyday matters. But it was more than that.

She said she'd go to Earth. He knew that terrified her. He knew that meant their relationship was real to her, that she wanted to take that next step. His parents would have loved her, if only because he did. That was something that wasn't in any message, something neither of them had said aloud. He had cursed himself every day for that hesitance, for never telling her how he felt.

At the time it had been easy to make excuses. Shepard was emotionally limited, her development stunted beyond repair. She tried, but he didn't know if she really understood love. It was only human to be scared of telling her when he was so unsure of her reaction. She probably would have said it back, but only because she learned situations by imitating normal behaviour. He never wanted her to put on a show for him.

But if he'd known she would be gone so suddenly he would have found a way to tell her that he loved her without forcing her to say anything she didn't mean. He would have messaged her. Now that message would go to the wrong person.

He shut down the messages and brought up his one picture. This he still had. No matter how Lazarus looked or acted, it would never take this away from him, never mimic it or cast it in a different light.

He looked down at Ivy smiling up at him and smiled with her.

This would have to do.


	36. Old Acquaintance

>

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 35**

**Old Acquaintance**

* * *

_Three_

* * *

It took Shepard more time than she had anticipated to get back to the Citadel. Menae was a disaster mitigated only by their successful extraction of Primarch Victus. She had expected the devastation on Palaven and its surrounding colonies but it brought new gravity to the situation on Earth.

She had EDI running constant scans on people she knew, set up to immediately alert her if anyone passed through a checkpoint in Council space, was checked into a medical facility or listed as a casualty. Nearly every tracking system was in disarray but her limited surveillance allowed her some peace of mind. Her schedule was so full that emotional weakness simply couldn't be allowed, her allotted time for personal care was barely enough to shower and dress, any nagging worries cut into her already insufficient sleep rations.

Her visit to the Citadel would be a deciding factor in her personal well being for the next week. She was anticipating a reunion with Mordin on Sur'Kesh in three days, which she knew would help to stabilise her mood. If she could deal with Kaidan's business without any major incident she could rely on an unimpeded adherence to schedule for the immediate future.

She checked her omnitool as she made her way through the spaceport, she had half an hour to see Kaidan before she was due at the Spectre ops centre to meet Jondam Bau. She was actually looking forward to that, she liked Jondam.

"Lazarus."

She stopped in her tracks, a familiar voice pulling her attention away from her schedule.

The Cerberus... Miranda Lawson was leaning casually against the railings by the window, looking out over the air traffic. She looked, as always, like she had more time than anyone else to maintain her appearance, she was well hydrated and lovingly styled, her hair smooth, her skin clear, her makeup applied perfectly.

It had been six months since they had last spoken. Since she had all but thrown Lawson off her ship.

"It's Shepard," Shepard said.

Lawson raised an eyebrow, an expression of professional pride crossing her face. "So it's true. I heard that you'd made progress, I wanted to see for myself."

This was pointless. Lawson was cutting into the time allotted to Kaidan. "You've seen."

Shepard turned to walk away.

"Wait, Shepard."

She shouldn't turn back, she knew that. This was unproductive, butting into her scheduled time with Kaidan and a possible emotional stressor she hadn't factored into her calculations.

But she had a morbid curiosity about Miranda Lawson that wouldn't be shaken. The brazenness exhibited in the simple act of approaching Shepard, her former lab experiment/brainwashing victim in public, as if they had some amicable relationship, was at least worth considering.

"What?"

"I couldn't get anywhere near you when the Alliance had you locked up. I'm surprised they didn't court martial you, they aren't known for their flexibility."

Shepard felt a ghost of an itch on her inner wrists and elbows. "What did you need?"

"What's happening on Earth?"

"The Reapers are there."

Lawson looked perturbed. "What's the situation?"

"We're working on it."

"I'm sure you'll find some way to even the odds. Everyone has a weakness, even the Reapers." Lawson sounded strange. Shepard couldn't place it at first, but she found that there was a distinct lack of forcefulness in Lawson's speech. She sounded almost contrite.

"Why are you here?"

"I needed to talk to some people. Like you. There's something I need to deal with."

Shepard leaned in closer. She had a history of disliking Lawson's projects. "What?"

"I haven't heard from my sister, Oriana, for a while. I'm getting worried."

If Lawson was here to ask for help... Shepard cursed internally. If Oriana needed help then she would get it. "What do you need?"

"Nothing, you have bigger things to deal with. Just... Shepard I know you must hate me, but I tried to help you."

"Is that what you're here for? Forgiveness?"

"I just want you to know that we're on the same side."

A flash of bitter anger ran through her. She rolled up her right sleeve, just enough to show the red burn mark on her wrist, and exposed the skin to Lawson. "I don't want you on my side."

"That was voluntary," Lawson said, her voice taking on that familiar, stubborn tone.

Shepard turned away. "If _Oriana_ needs my help, you call me."

She walked away without waiting for an answer. She tugged her sleeve back into place as she made for the rapid transit. Being powerless was a state she was getting used to, but she didn't have to be polite. It was a force of habit to not cause trouble, to keep her head down, never be memorable, never rock the boat. It made her a good infiltrator. But she had limits.

The transit recognised her Spectre status and she punched in the number for Huerta Memorial. The pit of anger in her chest didn't want to shift, filling her with impotent ire and nervous energy. This situation lacked a clear resolution. She didn't like that. She could storm into Kaidan's room, demanding that he charge the Cerberus doctors with their numerous crimes. She might even see a few of them locked up, but that wasn't closure. Her death had just been the start of her surgical adventures, she had been on more operating tables than she could count in the last year, the majority of the procedures a blur. There was only one doctor that she thought had her best interests at heart throughout any of it, and he was waiting for her on Sur'Kesh.

When the transit arrived at the hospital she found herself keenly aware of her surroundings. Of patients in hospital gowns, of needles and pill bottles, the faint sound of heart monitors. Damn Miranda Lawson, she had thrown off all Shepard's emotional allowances. This would cut into her schedule, she couldn't afford to let medical care disturb her.

She strode a little too forcefully into Kaidan's room, but pulled up short at the sight that greeted her. He was still in bed, although fully clothed now, the bruising to his face now just a mottled discolouration. And every single surface of the room was covered in datapads.

"Commander," he said.

"Sir..." She looked around the room.

"How did Menae go?"

Shepard folded her arms tightly under her breasts. "The Primarch was successfully extracted."

"What's the situation like there?" He was looking at datapads in his hands, talking to her without actually seeing her.

"It's... bad."

"Yeah, well, I guess we expected that."

"Can I ask about the..?" She made a bemused sweeping gesture with one hand.

He looked up at her, finally, and she felt a little of the tension ease out of her body when their eyes met, some Pavlovian response to his presence. He really did have lovely eyes. If he'd just show her that smile again.

"This is what I need your help with," he said. "It turns out that I inherited Shepard's assets. I, uh, I was wondering if you had any memories of weapon mods."

Shepard blinked. She had forgotten about her patents. He looked stressed, a deep line between his eyebrows, his shoulders held almost as tightly as her own. This was hard for him, she realised. He was deliberately asking her to access her memories, memories he considered the property of someone else.

"Yes," she said quietly. "I remember."

"I just... you know, I can't let these go to the wrong people. Shepard wouldn't want that."

She decided to let that one slide. He was trying to trust her. "I'll help. What's your system?"

He almost smiled. He gestured to one side of the room, then the other. "Mods I know, mods I don't. Alphabetic from this end."

She nodded and immediately started working. She was supposed to be meeting Jondam in fifteen minutes. Ariake wanted high end mods to sell to mercs. That wasn't going to happen. Tungsten rounds would do. Lotus might benefit them, she'd have to do more research. They weren't getting high explosive.

Quickly sorting, she began developing three piles, one affirmative, one possible, one negative. Unfortunately most of the datapads were ending up in the 'possible' pile. Once she had reports from some other planets she could get a better estimate on what would be most useful in the field. She dropped the first pile of affirmative into Kaidan's lap.

"Tungsten rounds for Ariake. Lotus for Armax, turian husks are shielded. Tungsten as well, but only above mk 5."

"Why?" Kaidan asked.

She kept filing through datapads as she talked. "The standard issue turian assault rifle packs twice the burst output of the Alliance model. Low end tungsten mods won't improve the output, they'll just be wasting their money. Devlon... where is...?"

She made her way to the other side of the room and found the stack of Devlon applications. She picked out a priority request and dropped it in Kaidan's lap.

"I was wondering about this one," he said. "What are leviathan rounds?"

"Deep sea fishing. They'll be useful on Kahje."

"Deep sea fishing," he repeated deadpan. "Do I even want to know?"

"It's classified," she teased.

" _Classified_ deep sea fishing is even more intriguing."

She smiled, making her way back to his 'known mods' sector and continuing her work. "I was on an oil rig for a few months, eating nothing but rehydrated protein bars. There was this delicious species of local shark."

It was one of the few fond memories she had of her crew before the first _Normandy_. They'd used the oil rig as a base to monitor a nearby batarian operation, it had been painfully monotonous until she had developed the leviathan mod. She remembered laughter, lots of laughter as her team went fishing with their pistols, using sonar to help them target. That shark had been some of the best meat she'd ever eaten.

Lotus rounds needed a full release in areas under Cerberus assault. Those Atlas mechs were formidable. She would have to attempt to hijack one, the glass protecting the pilot looked like a weak point.

"How have you been?" she asked, still sorting through the stack from Elanus.

"I should be back to mission-ready in a week or two."

Not exactly what she'd asked. Distancing behaviour. Not unexpected, but disheartening. She should get ahead of this. The situation was unprecedented but she could still gather data to estimate likely outcomes. EDI could help her.

"And your implant?"

"Rattled, but working."

She picked up an application from Gungren Industrial. Primarily a manufacturer of utility arms for the Tuchanka DMZ. They wanted high explosive rounds. She stared at it. Tuchanka hadn't been hit by the Reaper forces yet, but she was anticipating it. Once krogan husks hit the field the DMZ would be helpless, their armour was virtually impenetrable even without Reaper upgrades. High explosives would be the only way to burn through it. Of course, if any of them survived then disarming Tuchanka would be next to impossible.

"What do you think of Gungren?" she asked.

He took the datapad from her. "Who do they supply?"

"The krogans."

"Ouch. What's Tuchanka looking like?"

"No Reaper presence yet, but it's expected and I'm trying to organise a ground force to break the line at Palaven. High explosives would be useful against harvesters."

"I really don't know. That's why I asked you here, to get Shepard's opinion."

"My opinion is that I'm not sure."

"And you have nothing in there to give you any insight?"

Shepard clenched her jaw. "It's a brain, not a computer."

_Don't start a fight._ She had to get out of this without emotional complications.

"Yeah. I guess I'm just not sure how... _this_ works just yet." He said the words with a gesture of one hand, up and down her body.

This wasn't going to work. She was going to punch him or kiss him if she stayed in the room and either outcome would be disastrous to any hope of reintegration. She picked out a few more datapads. "You know what? I'll just ask Mordin. He's done the proper studies, he can advise me. We'll work through more of these when I get back from Sur'Kesh."

"You're bringing someone else in on this? Wait, Mordin, you mean Mordin Solus? The STG guy you contacted on Earth?"

"Yes."

"What is he to you?"

p>"A friend."

Kaidan frowned suspiciously. "He was on the _SR-2_ wasn't he? A Cerberus friend?"

"Cerberus don't recruit salarians. He was my science officer, my doctor. My friend."

Kaidan turned the datapad over in his hands and Ivy realised she was gripping her own too tightly. She was unable to relax over this, feeling constantly on display, constantly judged. That wasn't a paranoid feeling, she knew he was watching her every move for signs of disloyalty.

She had saved him on Mars, had prevented a data transfer to Cerberus, what more could she do?

"I don't want to bring in anyone else."

Shepard sighed. She moved closer to him, edging up alongside the bed. He was as afraid of a repeat of Moscow as she had been a few years ago. He was afraid of making the wrong choices. "Major. My – Shepard's – Ivy's – opinion is that we need an expert consult on this one. Mordin has done advanced work on krogan socio-economics, there is no one more qualified to predict the outcome of this decision."

Kaidan paused, thinking it over. "And he's with the STG?"

"A veteran."

"Alright."

Shepard checked her omnitool. "I'm late for a meeting. Approve those requests, with the stipulations I gave you. We'll see what the others look like in a week or two. I'll try to make it back here after Sur'Kesh but I may be needed on Tuchanka. Call me if anything looks urgent."

"I will." Kaidan looked at her and gave a pained smile, trying to be friendly. "Thanks for coming out, I appreciate it."

"Anytime, Major."

She gave him a shy wave as she left, immediately realising how stupid that looked. But it was alright. No major incidents.

She made for the embassy and her now-overdue meeting with Jondam, confident that she could get through the next week, if only on a half-smile from Kaidan.


	37. The Saviour of the Citadel

>

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 36**

**The Saviour of the Citadel**

* * *

_Three_

* * *

Serving on the _Normandy_ had been educational. James could think of a few other words to describe it, but educational seemed to fit best.

He'd learned not to get into a fistfight with a partial synthetic, even for sparring. She was tiny, but those muscle weaves were something else. It was like fighting a geth; even if he landed a hit it hurt his fist more than it hurt her, and she was packing some serious punches for a little thing.

He'd learned that his carnage move was a big hit against brutes. So much that he was almost sorry he'd ever upgraded his gun. Whenever one of those big bastards came into sight everyone else just disappeared, yelling at him to use carnage while he ran around trying not to get torn in half.

He'd learned that Lola's crew were terrified of her. Not her ground team, they were happy enough to work with her, usually ignored the worst of her weirdness. But the new crew, everyone who had been dragged onto the ship when they ran from Earth, they weren't so happy. The second Shepard entered a room everyone got quiet, stood at attention, wouldn't relax until she was well and truly gone. He guessed she wasn't as intimidating when he'd seen her bratty bullshit on Arcturus and Earth.

He'd learned there was nothing scarier than standing between Lola and the Major. A Spectre and a biotic – well, two Spectres now – who couldn't seem to figure out if they wanted to kiss or kill each other but were willing to trample him into the ground to get it done.

Mostly he'd learned that _The Citadel_ holovid was hilarious when you knew the people involved.

He was up in the cockpit with Joker, cracking up as they watched the hottie playing Shepard give an inspirational speech.

The flight lieutenant was feeling a little lonely, it hadn't taken him much time to get used to EDI's new look and complain when she locked herself in the med bay with Lola and Mordin to do whatever brainiacs did when they got together. James kept him company on the long, boring drive to answer a distress call from Grissom Academy.

" _For too long our species has stood apart from the others_ ," the actress said breathily, working the sexy angle for all it was worth. " _Now it's time for us to step up and do our part for the rest of the galaxy. Time to show them what humans are made of!_ "

James could barely hear his own laughter over Joker's.

"Okay, okay," James took a deep breath, trying to tamp down on his laughter. "What did she really say?"

Joker shrugged. "I don't remember. Something like 'everyone move, we're going to get Saren'."

"So she just –" he was cut off by EDI's voice.

" _Please prepare for full shutdown, Jeff._ "

"Aw, man, already?" Joker shut down the holoscreen and started to pull them out of FTL.

"What? What's happening?" James asked.

"Udina's testing his remote shutdown protocols, I guess. You've got Shepard's okay for this, right EDI?"

" _Commander Shepard is currently occupied. Standing orders allow me to take initiative for the bureaucratic well-being of the_ Normandy."

Joker rolled his eyes. "Bureaucratic well-being. Nice to know the Alliance is staying on-message with this whole war thing." He opened up the intercom. "All hands, we're going to be losing power for about five minutes. Prepare for shutdown."

The console in front of him went dark, the emergency lighting on the floor starting up. It was quiet enough to be creepy. He knew they were safe, the life support systems were on, EDI was on, the engine was just idling. If there was any trouble EDI would have them online and out of there faster than he could blink. But it was still creepy.

"So, Udina can just shut us down?" James asked.

Joker scoffed. "No. But he thinks he can. We'll just have to play possum for a while."

"So we're just ignoring orders from the Council now?"

"That's kind of how we roll around here."

"I thought we were trying to prove that Shepard is playing for the home team."

"Yeah, but they expect this. We're on a stealth ship, headed by an infiltrator, we've got the Shadow Broker and a Cerberus-built AI onboard; the Council or the Alliance gives us an order, we do what needs to be done, they pretend it was their idea all along. That's how it works."

James took a moment to chew on that. "Don't really see how pretending Udina has remote lockdown is 'on-message'."

"It's so when we blow something up he can say: 'They tricked me! They're out of control!'" Joker did a fairly decent impression of the Councillor, scowling and flailing his hands around. "Then we say: 'We did what had to be done!' Then he says: 'The Council will not take this lightly!' And then the Council takes it lightly and we keep flying, everyone's ass covered."

Well, all that was true enough but there was more to it. Lola didn't like the Alliance, any idiot could see that. She wasn't any big fan of the Council, either, if this little game was any indication. Or Cerberus, she'd made that crystal clear. Thinking about it, he had no idea who they were working for. Shepard had alienated or outright betrayed every major player in this war, except the salarians.

Were they working for the salarians? That didn't seem right.

The lights in the cockpit came back on and Joker was distracted by getting his ship back in order. Joker played around with the console for a minute then opened up a radio channel.

"Shepard, we missed a call from the salarians while we were out, looks high up, maybe the Dalatrass."

" _Shepard is currently occupied, Jeff,_ " EDI replied.

"Well, let her know. You guys planning to come out of there anytime soon?"

" _Once the current issue is resolved to our satisfaction Commander Shepard will return to duty._ "

"What are you talking about down there, anyway?"

" _The long term socio-military effects of a bolstered small arms trade on the krogan populace._ "

"Of course you are."

Of course they were. James knew how military vessels worked, this wasn't his first rodeo. This... whatever this was, was not how a standard frigate worked. Maybe it was just because they were under a Spectre, or because of the war, but a lot of things weren't adding up.

"We're the ranking officers on this ship, right?" he asked. "You know, after Shepard?"

"Uh, yeah, now that Alenko's down."

"So one of us should be XO."

Joker shrugged. "I think EDI's the XO. Ever since Lawson, Shepard hasn't really liked the idea of having one. Can't say I blame her."

James had figured as much. EDI was taking care of everything the XO usually took care of. That kind of made her his boss. "Alright, I get that, but isn't that weird? We have an AI as our XO, we're practically rogue from the Council, I don't think I want to know what we're doing against the Alliance. I mean, who are we working for, here?"

"Why do you have to get all deep? I thought we were watching a movie here."

"Yeah, nice answer."

"We're working for Shepard. Those are your orders, aren't they?"

"My orders are to protect her."

"She's got a lot of enemies."

"Including the Alliance?"

Joker scowled and shifted in his seat to properly face him. "Yeah, including the Alliance. Anyone who has performed a vivisection on you is officially your enemy. That's a rule."

He was pissed. James wasn't sure where he stood on this whole issue, but obviously Joker was on the extreme anti-Alliance side. There was so much bile in his voice. James didn't like being the newcomer here, there was obviously a lot of history he had missed. This wasn't just a pilot loyal to his commander, this was personal.

"So we're with Shepard. Who's Shepard with?"

"As far as I can tell, she's not. We're just fighting the Reapers."

"And if we win?"

"I don't know."

James leaned back in his chair and stared across the console. He already knew the answers to a lot of these questions. He just wanted to hear it from the only guy who had been around since the beginning, just get a straight answer so he knew where he stood. "And you're okay with all of this?"

"Hell yeah, I am. Shepard's a glass cannon. She'll win this war for us but she needs people behind her and we're the only ones who can be her backup. If we don't protect her she won't survive and if she doesn't survive, none of us will. You've seen it. The Alliance wants her dead, the Council wants her locked down, Cerberus wants her under their control. She can't rely on any of them."

Joker was still angry, but it wasn't with him. Something clicked in the back of James' brain. He'd read a few accounts of what happened on the original _Normandy_. Most of them were pretty fuzzy, there had been a lot of fire going around at the time, but almost every survivor agreed that the last time they'd seen Commander Shepard she had been headed for the bridge.

So Joker killed her. Not really. He probably didn't mean it and it didn't stick anyway, but it explained a lot about him. He'd disobeyed an order or tried to go off Lola's plan and it had ended with her in the morgue. And the morgue was just the start of her trouble. He'd watched her go through whatever Cerberus had done, whatever the Alliance had done. He was her backup.

"Obey orders," James said. "Got it."

"You won't understand half the orders she gives you anyway. Takes some trust."

James nodded. Everything had gone serious in the cockpit and when Joker put the vid back on it didn't seem as funny as before.

The guy they had playing Alenko looked small and wimpy compared to the real deal.

"Hey, what's the deal with Lola and the Major?" James asked.

Joker looked like he was trying to fight off a grin, his scowl disappeared. "Those two? They were funnier in person back in the day. I think Alenko fell for her the first time he saw her. Doesn't have a self-preservation instinct or something, I don't know."

"Can't really imagine her flirting."

Joker broke out into a full grin. "It was hilarious. Alenko was like a bull in a china shop, he couldn't keep his eyes off her. All stammering and blushing and tripping over his feet. Shepard didn't notice a thing. It was like he was flirting with a geth."

James laughed, remembering Lola's imagined forging of them running away together. He had the feeling that Alenko had heard a few speeches like that. He was sure it was touching. "So what happened?"

"I don't know, I guess when we lost Ash – that's Ashley Williams, she was our gunnery chief – everyone was down. She must have got a clue at some point because pretty soon after that I caught them making out in the mess."

"That's not how I remember it."

James jerked in his seat, surprised at the sudden voice behind him. He looked up to see Shepard standing in the doorway, face unreadable.

"Uh, ma'am," he said.

Joker didn't even look up. "Hey, Commander. Alright, maybe you weren't making out."

"We missed a call from the Dalatrass?"

"Yeah. Want me to see if I can get back to them?"

Shepard was distracted for a moment by Mordin behind her. She turned, smiling, then reached out and took his hand for a moment. They spoke quietly, sharing a smile, something Mordin said made her laugh.

When he first came aboard they had done the same thing. Smiled, touched hands, talked, laughed. It was weird seeing Lola with a friend. The talk James had overheard might as well have been in another language. Electronics talk, he thought, or maybe medical, it was hard to tell.

"Where your lab used to be, just through the door," she said loud enough that he could catch it. They touched hands again before Mordin left and Shepard turned back to them. "How far are we from Grissom?"

"Half an hour, maybe an hour if we have to dodge Reapers," Joker said with a shrug.

"I'll try the Dalatrass after we're done."

"Not sure how much luck you'll have, Commander. The Reapers keep knocking out communications relays, our coverage is spotty."

"What about outside Tuchanka?"

"Might have better luck."

Shepard pursed her lips. "Hold off."

"Can do, ma'am."

"James, you're coming to Grissom. Is my Viper ready?"

"Yes, ma'am," he said. "All weapons upgraded, cleaned and loaded."

"Be at the shuttle in half an hour."

"Aye aye, ma'am."

The screen on the console was blaring triumphant music as the final siege of the Citadel played. Okay, now it was kind of embarrassing to be watching this vid. Especially since 'Shepard's' catsuit had come partially unzipped during this scene, showing a decent flash of cleavage. He really didn't want to think of Lola like that, perving on a commanding officer was a big no-no.

The Shepard behind them bit down on a smile, resting her elbow against his seat as she leaned forward for a better look. He didn't know if she was doing it intentionally or not, but when he looked over he was at eye-level with her tits, practically burying his nose in them.

"Is this the Citadel vid?" she asked.

"Haven't you seen this?" Joker asked incredulously. "Oh, Shepard, it's a masterpiece."

"Send me a copy?"

"You got it."

Shepard turned and walked out of the cockpit, calling over her shoulder, "Tell me when we're five minutes out."

James stood up and stretched. "Duty calls. Let me know how the movie ends."

"Yeah, man."

He made his way out of the bridge and headed for the elevator, time to prep for a rescue mission.


	38. Getting It Right

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 37**

**Getting It Right**

* * *

_Three_

* * *

Shepard looked up at the shroud.

Knee deep in the corpses of brutes and ravagers, she stared at the field around her. The towering building in front, its peak masked by the smoke and dust of Tuchanka's ruined atmosphere; the corpse-littered stadium at her feet, blood smeared stones and crumpled pillars; the empty sand where Kalross had disappeared, taking a Reaper with her.

"Everyone else saw that too, right?" she asked on the open radio channel.

She received a static-filled response from one of the turian fighters. " _Yes, ma'am. We'll have a hell of a story to tell when we get back to base._ "

" _The destroyer is gone Shepard. Dr. Solus is waiting for you,_ " Liara said.

She jumped down off the ledge she was standing atop and started picking her way toward the base of the shroud.

Everything about what had happened seemed wildly improbable. She would have to talk to Mordin about it. Kalross should collapse under her own weight. There were a thousand other apparent fallacies – the hull integrity of the destroyer, the damage a thannix cannon should have caused to Kalross' carapace, the bizarrely misplaced predatory instinct of the maw – but her mind could not wrap itself around the idea that such a huge creature could resist Tuchanka's gravity enough to even be alive, let alone mobile, let alone fast.

There must have been something she was missing. Maybe there was an inherent anatomical difference in Kalross when compared to other maws. A study would be invaluable for the development of in-atmosphere superstructures. Maybe when this war was over she could commission an investigation.

Clambering over a fallen pillar, she came up to the final stretch toward the shroud. A section of plating fell to the ground beside her with a crash, edges flaming, carving a red hot groove into the stone. Above her an explosion rippled down the tower. The battle had done its damage, this building was coming down soon. They had to get the cure out.

She entered the building. Mordin was already at the console, apparently having formed the same conclusion about the integrity of the building.

"Is the cure ready?" she asked.

"Yes. Loaded for dispersal in two minutes. Procedure traumatic for Eve but not lethal. Maelon's research invaluable. Her survival fortunate. Will stabilise new government should Wrex get any ideas. Promising future for krogan."

She walked closer. This was a decision they had talked over, virtually since he had come aboard, but there were still nagging doubts. There were variables for which accounting was impossible.

"Is this the right choice?"

Mordin kept working. "No perfect option. No guarantee."

"But is it right?"

He paused to look at her, his expression grave. "Yes."

The krogan future was impossible to accurately predict. She trusted Mordin. He was the expert, smarter than she could ever hope to be and with a wider education on the subject. If he said this was right she would back him.

Eve was alive, Wrex was in charge. Wreav had most likely been killed. New leadership wasn't a magic bullet, Wrex wouldn't live forever, but it was a promising start. Together they could help guide the krogan along a peaceful path. The alternative, continuing the genophage, denying Mordin's prerogative, would only end in more violence and distrust.

"Control room at top of shroud tower. Must take elevator up."

"You're going up there?" Shepard asked before the implications had settled. The tower was coming down, Mordin couldn't make it back in time.

"Yes. Readings at lab suggest temperature malfunction, could affect cure viability. Need to adjust settings manually."

"No," she said impulsively, a stab of panic seizing up her chest. She couldn't lose him. "Options."

Mordin shook his head. "None. Temperature variance could destroy cure, time running out. Have to go up. Not coming back. Suggest you get clear, explosions likely to be problematic."

"What's causing the variance?" She heard the edge of desperation in her own voice. She could feel the blood draining from her face. Even as she spoke the words she realised the problem. The missed call from the Dalatrass; this was STG sabotage. If she had known ahead of time maybe there was something she could have done. If Udina hadn't blacked them out she might have saved him.

"Don't know. Doesn't matter. Have to fix it."

He was so calm, determined. He was certain, there was no argument to make. He was going to die. She shook her head. "I need you."

Mordin stopped working at the console. He looked at her and smiled gently. "My responsibility."

"So is this. The implications are far-reaching."

"No, not this. Just a consult. Initial genophage re-release my work. Cure is your work. Your decision, your responsibility."

Shepard swallowed a lump in her throat, the panic rising. "But you... you protected me. Without you I..."

Mordin took her hand and squeezed. She fought back tears. He was the only person in the galaxy who made her feel less alone, and he was leaving.

"Thirty-two years old, Ivy. Not going to live forever. Need someone to carry on my work. Thought it was Maelon." He smiled. "Miscalculated."

"I'm not ready."

"Have been ready since Bahak. Survived Cerberus. Survived Alliance. Survived Council. Will survive Reapers. Will win us a future."

He had to do this. Like she had to take care of her rounds, like the _Normandy_ had to fight the Reapers, he had to finish the genophage. Shepard took a deep breath, straightened her curling shoulders and nodded. "Let's do this."

"Good girl." Mordin raise his hand and splayed his fingers across her forehead. "Proud of you."

She couldn't hold back the tears that slipped from her eyes, but her helmet masked them. He needed her strength as much as she needed his. She squeezed his hand one more time then released him, letting him move toward the elevator.

"Goodbye," she said.

The elevator door slid closed, Mordin met her eyes. "Go, now. Be safe."

She nodded, watching just a moment longer as the elevator started moving, then she ran.

She focused on the task, getting out of the shroud, getting far enough away that it wouldn't crush her. Mordin wanted her to survive. She sprinted, taking the course quickly just like she had done on Mars, vaulting over fallen debris. The arena was so dilapidated that there was no clear path, everywhere was broken and unstable. Kalross and the Reaper had all but destroyed the ancient structure.

It was taking too long. Not for her safety, she was confident that she could get clear. It was a long enough run that she couldn't stop reality sinking in. Mordin was gone. He was about to be blown to pieces, his body burned and buried under a thousand tons of rubble. He wasn't coming back.

She reached the pickup area just in time to see the shroud start working, the renewed function clearing the smog in the air, seeming to cast bright tendrils through the sky. It was beautiful.

She leaned against the giant entrance pillar, gasping, and looked up at the sky.

The cure was out, they'd done it. At a cost. His choice.

The top of the shroud exploded, a fireball bursting into the sky as the cure spread, orange against green. Ivy's heart stopped, a sudden lancing pain in her chest and her gasping turned to sobs. She clutched a hand to her chest, doubled over in exhaustion and pain, letting it out in hacking whimpers. The wetness in her mask blurred her vision, she felt the tears track their way down to the edge of her helmet and run along it before slipping down her neck.

A tank pulled up somewhere behind her. She straightened and took in a ragged, heaving breath, trying to calm herself.

She was in control, if shaken, by the time Wrex and Eve approached her.

They stared up in wonder at the widening cloud of healing air. Mordin's life for the future of their people. It was how he wanted it.

Wrex laid a hand on her shoulder. He was serious in a way that she wasn't used to seeing from him. He understood, or maybe just guessed, what she had lost. "Come on, Shepard. This place is going to come down soon."

She nodded and let him lead her to the tank.

He was trying to help her keep up appearances, climbing in ahead of her and hauling her up by the elbow so that it looked like she was operating under her own power and he was just balancing her. Signs of weakness on Tuchanka, in this war, wouldn't be acceptable. Her uncooperative limbs, weak joints and stained face would lose the faith of the krogans.

She sat down heavily inside the tank, taking in another deep breath to fill her collapsing chest. She had to keep going, they weren't finished with this war. This was just one of a thousand steps she had to take.

Wrex ignored her, starting a petty squabble with Eve, giving her time to regroup. Somehow it was worse than if he had just berated her for her weakness. She was so grateful that she felt the tears welling up again. She leaned back against the seat and focused on keeping her breathing regular, her throat relaxed.

After a moment, to the ambient noise of the krogans bickering, she opened up a line to the _Normandy_. "EDI, I'll need pickup at the meeting ground."

" _Councillor Udina has put the_ Normandy _in lockdown. He has kept the protocol active for an unusually long period of time._ "

"Are you and James still on the ground?"

" _Yes. Jeff has been simulating lockdown since our approach to the shroud_."

Shepard sighed, feeling bone tired. If this was an actual lockdown instead of a drill she felt as if she would crumple into a boneless pile on the ground. "Can you get the _Normandy_ running again without him knowing?"

" _It will require my full resources to mask our signatures. This platform will not be available during that time._ " EDI had grown attached to her beautiful new body quickly, as had Shepard. Its utility was admirable.

"Leave the body with James and arrange pickup. Mordin won't be joining us."

EDI paused. " _I'm sorry, Shepard._ "

"Thanks, EDI."

" _Instituting mask protocol, stand by._ "

The line went dead and Shepard heard, outside the tank, the last of the Shroud come crashing down. It was over.

The tank pulled up at the Hollows. The hatch opened to let in the blistering Tuchanka sun. Shepard managed to stand, her knees felt as if they wanted to give out, but she stood. She staggered out onto the stone paving, barely keeping herself from falling as she hit the ground.

This wasn't fair. Mordin had only altered the genophage. He wasn't the one to uplift the krogan, or the one to start the krogan rebellion, or even the one to release the genophage. Those mistakes were the ones he had paid for with his life. It wasn't fair.

Wrex placed a hand on her shoulder and guided her forward, into the Hollows proper. He gestured around the ruins, stained with blood and ash. "A long time ago my father betrayed me in this place. His own son. He tried to kill me. So I had to kill him... right over there. That's what the genophage reduced us to. Animals. But you changed that today, Shepard."

Shepard smiled helplessly. He was trying to be nice. Trying to cheer her up. She remembered all the reasons she valued him aboard the first _Normandy_. The straight-talking, gruff, strangely sentimental mercenary.

"Now we'll fight for our children. Not against them," Eve said, then shook her head sadly. "It's just a pity Mordin had to die."

Eve knew. She understood. She had gone through the same thing that Shepard had endured. Stuck in a strange lab, a bargaining piece for warring factions with only Mordin there to protect her from everyone who wanted to exploit her.

"Yes," Shepard said, feeling her lip tremble.

Wrex clapped her on the shoulder. "We'll name one of the kids after him. Maybe a girl."

"But you, Commander – we can thank you in person." Eve took her hands, gave them a squeeze in solidarity.

"Tell the turians I'll be deploying troops to Palaven immediately," Wrex said. "And when you're ready to kick the Reapers off Earth, you let me know. The krogan are back in business."

"Goodbye, Commander," said Eve. "We have to spread the hope you've given us. Even now clans are gathering in the Kelphic Valley. I'll go speak to them and make sure this gift isn't squandered. Thank you for all that you've done. And know that Urdnot Bakara calls you a friend."

Shepard gripped the hand in hers tightly when Bakara reclaimed her name.

Mordin may have given her credit at the last moment, but he was the one who had done this. He had given these people hope, he had led Bakara back home, he had led _her_ back home. He thought this was worth dying for and he was right.

James hovered in one of the major archways, EDI's platform draped over his shoulder. Shepard walked over to him and he gave her a gentle smile.

"Hey, Lola. Ready to go home?"

"Yes."

"Come on, EDI has the _Normandy_ back online."

"Are we still locked down?"

"Yeah, as far as I know." He followed a couple of steps behind her as she led the way to the parked shuttle.

Shepard opened up her radio. "Joker, set a course for the Citadel. I want to be moving as soon as we're back on board."

" _Aye aye, ma'am_."

Cortez opened the shuttle door. He looked like he was about to say something, but Vega shook his head sharply and he turned back to the console, getting the shuttle powered up.

She sat down and leaned her head against the shuttle bulkhead, closing her eyes. Mordin wasn't going to be the last casualty of war. At least Kaidan was alive. She didn't know how she would survive if she lost both of them. They'd be at the Citadel soon. She could go to him, talk to him over datapads, reassure herself that he was alive.

" _Shepard,_ " EDI said through the radio.

"What is it?"

" _I've returned a hit on the search protocol you set up._ "

EDI was stalling. That was unlike her. "Tell me."

" _The first New York casualties have been retrieved. Father Levi Mills was among the dead._ "

The words didn't hit for a few seconds. Father Mills. She hadn't seen him in years. He was dead.

"Thank you, EDI," she said, her voice coming out as a whisper.

She stared at the far wall, the shock settling over her. Her breath was coming in short puffs, her mind wasn't putting all the pieces together. Father Mills was gone, just like Mordin. Just one of tens of millions of dead humans on Earth. She would never see him again.

James moved fast, tearing off his helmet and letting it drop to the floor, even as he moved to sit beside her and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. Just like Father Mills had done when he'd told her the Alliance were after her. It had been so cold, the dead of winter, snow so thick on the ground it soaked her ankles as she sat on the stoop of her shop, the elderly man trying to tell her that it would be alright, that he could help her. He had smelled of strong soap and leather.

Something terrible welled up inside her, a pressure that clawed to get out, stinging her eyes and tightening her throat.

She fell into Vega's arms and started to cry.


	39. In Which Lazarus Gets It

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 38**

**In Which Lazarus Gets It**

* * *

_Two_

* * *

Lazarus ground down on the bit in her mouth. Her muscles strained against the restraints around her wrists and ankles. She could feel the skin under the electrodes stinging, sizzling with electricity. She could feel the muscles in her back spasming and quivering without her control.

Mordin cut the electricity and she collapsed against the table, a whimper escaping her throat.

He looked over to the Cerberus. She was standing against his workbench, arms crossed, brow furrowed, face hard. "We have to complete it, Dr. Solus."

Lazarus spit the bit out and looked at him. "Mordin. I don't want to do this."

He opened his mouth to speak but the Cerberus cut him off. "Lazarus, you're getting better. These treatments are working."

Mordin looked between them, frowning. "Don't have patient consent, can't continue."

"We both know that if these treatments aren't complete they're useless. She's nearly done."

"No consent," Mordin said firmly, turning off the machine. "No treatment."

"If you want her to get better you'll turn that back on. There's more at stake than her immediate comfort, she's in no danger." The Cerberus took a step forward, looking at Lazarus. "You understand that, don't you, Lazarus? You need to be operating at optimal capacity. If we stop now, you won't be."

Lazarus looked to Mordin. She was scared. Fear was new and disconcerting, she had only ever felt it during or immediately after her ECT. The treatment was painful, it was uncomfortable, the lack of control was frightening and humbling. Red marks has started to form on her skin from the frequency and strength of the treatment. But she needed to be at optimal capacity. That was the most important thing.

Mordin met her eyes, concerned but understanding. He took her hand in one of his and with the other smoothed back the hair from her feverish forehead. She closed her eyes, leaning into the touch.

"One more?" he asked quietly.

"Yes."

He nodded and put the bit back into her mouth.

She didn't open her eyes when his hands left her, knowing what was about to come. She tried to relax, and when the shock came she didn't fight her back arching off the cot, or the saliva bubbling from her mouth, or the sounds that came from the back of her throat. The sensitive skin of her wrists and inner elbows was burning from the current, the electrodes feeling like they were chewing at her body.

It was mercifully quick, over sooner than she'd expected. She let out a breath when the machine powered down, but didn't open her eyes.

She felt Mordin wipe down her face, the cloth soft and cool. She was becoming increasingly disoriented by these sessions, as their effects accumulated it became more pronounced in the immediate aftermath. The trembling and weakness wouldn't leave her for hours, the emotional instability would be gone in less than an hour.

Mordin loosened her restraints and began to take off the electrodes. She hissed with pain as each was removed, looking down to see the skin of her arms tender and raw, broken in places. This was her last session and she was glad of it. Any more and she might see deep tissue damage. She was certain the aesthetic damage was permanent.

"Treatment complete. Out," Mordin said.

The Cerberus didn't reply, but after a moment Lazarus heard footsteps retreating.

He was upset. So was she. But it wasn't his fault.

"This was my choice, Mordin," she said.

He smiled, a pained expression. "Not fit to consent, brain damaged. Should never have suggested this. Still, over now. No more. Going to recover."

He usually left the post-procedure cleaning to her, but not this time. He was touching her, comforting gestures, squeezing her wrist, brushing her hair back. He was distressed, she realised. The Cerberus had shaken him.

"I want an injection," she said.

"Shouldn't do it. Shouldn't let brain damaged patient consent to any treatment. Shouldn't experiment on you. Torture, Lazarus."

"Who makes the medical decisions for incompetent patients?"

"Parent, guardian, medical proxy. Not doctor."

 _Guardian_. It seemed a strange word. She had heard it used in many different contexts and often related to military equipment or operation. It seemed fitting. She grabbed Mordin's hand and held it loosely. "You're my guardian."

She felt strange sensations in her chest. Side effect of oxytocin release? She anticipated the euphoria that followed ECT. This seemed different. An emotional attachment. He was her guardian, that was only appropriate.

Mordin smiled. "Yes. Guardian."

"Should I have the injection?"

"Yes. Will prepare it. Get dressed."

Lazarus was feeling better. She was feeling incredible. The euphoria had hit. She disliked this portion of the treatment, it left her severely compromised. Yet it was difficult to object to the sensation while she was experiencing it. Once it had subsided she would feel worse.

She slid off the table, a wave of joy energising her. It was difficult to get her feet into the kestrel jumpsuit and in the attempt she fell against the wall, smiling. She found herself making exaggerated sounds of concentration as she dressed, and that made her smile over again. Mordin didn't seem to find it funny, but his serious expression only made her grin.

He approached her with the syringe and she bent over, flipping her hair in front of her face and holding it there. She felt the bite of the needle, the strange feeling of it being pushed further into her body, followed by the burn of the medicine.

It felt like it was running down her back in hot torrents, but she knew this to be false, the illusion of an overstimulated nervous system. It was good, sending shudders through her. Neural misfires were common after ECT and combined with the euphoria often produced pleasant sensations.

Mordin removed the needle slowly. "No more, now. Have done as much as I can. Can do more research if observation isn't satisfactory."

She sighed, enjoying the warm sensation running down her spine. "Thank you."

"Welcome. Go rest, no missions for at least two hours."

They were en route to Legion's requested coordinates, that timeframe would be satisfactory.

"Thank you," she said. On the spur of the moment she grabbed his shoulders and looked into his eyes, wanting him to understand her sincerity. " _Thank you_."

Mordin smiled, seeming to be trying to suppress a laugh. "Rest now, Lazarus."

She nodded firmly and released him. Yes, rest. She had to be operating at her highest possible capacity for the coming mission. She marched out of the lab and into the elevator. Her personal quarters were the most appropriate place for her to recuperate.

She could attend to some of her duties in this state. She could read messages, attend to her personal hygiene or collate data. It was best to put her time to good use. She could work on more intricate proceedings later. It would be best to continue her obfuscation of EDI's sensors while in an erratic state. She had come to accept and value EDI, but the fact still remained that her shackled state forced her to report all unusual behaviour to Jack Harper. She wouldn't be a true ally with those divided loyalties.

She sat down on her sofa and opened up her comm and omnitool. "Flight Lieutenant Joker."

" _Lazarus. What's today's reading?_ "

"Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much..." she trailed off as her throat constricted with laughter. What a strange way to start a book.

Flight Lieutenant Joker's silence was palpable. " _Uh, Lazarus?_ "

"Yes?" she asked through her laughter.

" _Are you high?_ "

"I am currently one tier above your position," she managed to say before the laughter overcame her again.

" _Uh... huh. Well, anyway. EDI has finished scrubbing the IFF._ "

"That's... that's wonderful."

" _And you should probably also know that we seem to have an Alliance ship tailing us._ "

She sighed contentedly. "I wonder what they want?"

" _Right. So I'll talk to you about this in a few hours time. I might tell EDI to hold off on installing that IFF, too._ "

"Yes." He was probably right. Major operations were not on her agenda until the euphoria spell wore off. "You're an excellent Flight Lieutenant."

" _Yeah, love you too, Lazarus. Maybe lay off the ECT._ "

"You don't have the relevant qualifications to give valuable advice on my medical treatments."

" _I may not have a medical degree but I've been on shore leave. Just say no._ "

Lazarus shut down the comm. He wasn't making much sense. Her bed was looking soft and the tingling running down the backs of her thighs was making it uncomfortable to continue sitting upright. She pushed herself upwards by the heels of her hands and crawled onto the bed.

She had been right, it was soft. And warm. She realised that she was experiencing exaggerated awareness. The bed seemed more comfortable than usual due to her stimulated nervous system. Lying on her front she ran her hands down her sides, feeling sparks of heat follow the touch. She shivered from the feeling.

When she closed her eyes she could feel one of Shepard's memories surfacing, straining at the edges of her consciousness. The way the sheets curled around her, the mattress depressing under her weight, she could almost remember the feel of someone else's ambient body heat, the sound of those sheets rustling against someone else's skin.

The beginnings of an idea formed in her disoriented mind.

She had experimented with self gratification as part of her campaign to confuse EDI's sensors. Now was as good a time as any to add another data point, and she hypothesised that with a combination of Shepard's memories being almost accessible to her and the after-effects from her treatment, the experience would be quite different.

She half-remembered a large hand running down her back, calloused and warm, eliciting a hormone-driven reaction.

Struck by that sudden need, Lazarus crawled to her knees and unzipped her jumpsuit, peeling the fabric off her shoulders and rolling it down until she was bare to her knees. She found the effort of removing it further to be temporarily exhaustive, so left the clothing tangled around her calves.

She remembered this position, in the bed, on her knees, bare before another pair of human eyes. She closed her eyes and tried to grasp the memory more firmly. She rested back on her heels. She had been watched like this, smooth skin rubbing against her inner thighs, a pair of hips between her legs.

A shudder ran through her and a tightness started in her lower abdomen. The spark of her misfiring neurons concentrated between her legs, intense to the point of discomfort. She pressed two fingers to the source of the problem to relieve the feeling, pressing down firmly on her clitoris, just enough to stem the overwhelming sensation.

Yes. This was the memory. Another hand, bigger than her own, had followed this path. It had trailed across her sex, thoroughly explored her. She followed the path with her own fingers.

The beginnings of authentic sexual arousal were becoming apparent. Increased blood flow to the genitals, increased cardiac and respiratory functions, elevated blood pressure. She remembered a large hand running from her hip up her ribs to cup her breast. She mimicked the memory with her own hand and felt the contraction of the myofibroblasts in her areola complex.

It had been warm, warm everywhere he touched her, heat radiating from his body where her thighs gripped him, trailing behind his hands and spilling over her skin from his breath. He had touched her like this and it had been warm. She rolled her nipple between her fingers, remembering him do the same and whimpering at the sensation it created.

His hand had moved back to her hip when he pushed his fingers inside her. His fingers were thicker than hers, longer, stronger. He had used his thumb to stroke her clitoris. She had to use her free hand to hold up her weight as she leaned forward to achieve the required angle with her smaller hands, to imitate his movement.

_Do you like that, sweetheart?_

"Yes..." she whispered.

She curled her fingers inside herself and gasped. The muscles in her thighs and abdomen were tightening. Vasocongestion was complete; this body, her body, was preparing for orgasm. She rolled her hips against her own hand, remembering his pushing back against her.

_You're so beautiful._

The sheets were a scrunched mess, pulled tight between her balled fist and her knees digging into the mattress. His hand rubbed along her thigh, a trail of heat and overstimulation under her skin, his fingers digging into the muscle, mimicking the contraction of her body.

She tried to perfect his rhythm, fingers stretched as far as her hand could accommodate, attempting simultaneous stimulation of the vagina and clitoris. She drew in choking, staccato breaths, insufficient devotion of resources by her autonomic nervous system. Involuntary vocalisations characterised the plateau stage of human orgasm and she witnessed the behaviour in herself, moans breathed out on hard-won breath.

The tension in her muscles was reaching its critical point, promising imminent release.

_Come for me, Ivy. Come on, sweetheart._

"Kaidan," she moaned.

_That's right, just like that._

Lazarus cried out, the contraction of her muscles releasing the tension built in her lower body, immediately releasing oxytocin and prolactin into her system. Intense euphoria, rhythmic contractions, feeling Kaidan's hands hold her tightly to steady her. She shuddered against her hands, against him.

When the tremors had subsided she crawled back to her pillow, relaxing into the blankets. She let out a heavy sigh of relief. Her hypothesis had proved correct, those circumstances were ideal.

She smacked her lips contentedly and nuzzled her pillow as the natural high slowly ebbed from her body, her senses returning to her.

Lazarus froze.

She slowly opened her eyes and looked around the room. The euphoria from both the ECT and orgasm was gone, washed away by the realisation of what she had just done.

She'd said his name aloud.

She rolled out of bed, pulling up her jumpsuit as she went.

"EDI." All these months of careful planning, all the deception, her careful routine put in place to protect him and she had just destroyed it. "How much does he know?"

This was fear, real fear, unaided by any medical treatments. Kaidan was in danger. Jack Harper was looking for a way to control her and she had just handed it to him.

EDI's physical representation activated on its platform. " _I am experiencing a buffering error due to the IFF scrubbing procedure. No surveillance data will be transmitted for the next twenty-four hours._ "

Lazarus stared at her. Maybe it was the oxytocin, but she felt a sudden rush off affection for EDI. She had just given her twenty-four hours to do damage control, to find some way out of this mess.

"Thank you," she said.

" _You're welcome, Lazarus._ "

First thing was first, they had to get the Collectors out of the way, that would be the first way to break Jack Harper's hold on her.

"Install that IFF. We're going through the Omega 4 relay."


	40. Face Off

>

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 39**

**Face Off**

* * *

_Three_

* * *

The attack had happened so fast. One minute it was silent, then C-Sec's emergency channels were exploding with chatter, then suddenly cut off.

Kaidan hadn't waited. He met up with Thane Krios when he was collecting his personal effects. Any port in a storm, he wasn't going to be picky about who he recruited to help him fight his way to the council tower. The Council was unguarded except for their personal bodyguards, all the Spectres were deployed for the war effort. He knew he had to get them out.

When they arrived at the tower it was billowing smoke, the aerial assault had landed a few blows. It looked like the AA guns had kicked in for long enough to stop any serious damage. The guns were powered down, their long muzzles brushing the garden canopy, they'd been hacked from the C-Sec end. Cerberus had been terrifyingly efficient in their assault.

"C-Sec," he said into his radio. "C-Sec, come in."

The radio was silent for a minute before static blasted against his ear. " _... -dy... just landed... getting... your position..._ "

"Bailey, is that you? It's Major Alenko, I'm at the Council Tower, I need backup to evacuate the Council."

" _... working... Spectre coming... way._ "

Kaidan sighed. No help there, he'd have to do this alone.

"Let's split up," he told Thane. He didn't want a former Cerberus assassin anywhere near the Council when he wasn't confident he could safely extract them. "I'll take the Council to the evacuation point. Find out what's going on at C-Sec. Check it out and report back to me."

"Understood," Thane said. "We may lose radio communications. Cerberus seems to be disrupting the channels, somehow."

"If we go dark just see what you can do, help out any C-Sec resistance."

"Affirmative."

Thane nodded and started back toward the Presidium. He passed under the shadow of a tunnel and just disappeared in that same infuriating manoeuvre that Ivy had liked to pull.

Kaidan could see the bodies of the tower guards before he even made the door. Plenty of white armoured bodies around, too. It looked like both sides had killed each other. They hadn't sent a strong force here, the assault must have been focused on C-Sec. He'd have to take care of the stragglers and get the Council out, assuming their bodyguards had done their job well enough.

He made a satellite call to Councillor Irissa and breathed a sigh of relief when she answered.

" _Major Alenko,_ " she sighed, looking about as flustered as Asari got. " _It's good to see you._ "

"I'm at the tower, Councillor. What's your position?" Kaidan ran as he talked, making for the elevator.

" _I'm with Udina and Quentius in the panic room behind our offices. The evacuation pad was destroyed, our bodyguards told us to stay in here._ "

"Are your bodyguards still with you?"

" _They stayed outside to defend us. There was gunfire, it went quiet a few minutes ago._ "

"I'm going to get you out of there, just hang tight." He dragged a human body out of the open elevator door, leaving a smear of blood on the white floor. He stepped inside and punched in the floor number for the Councillor offices. "Do you know what happened to Councillor Esheel?"

" _No, she wasn't in the tower when Cerberus struck._ "

"Alright, just hold on, I'm nearly there."

He closed down the call and drew his gun when the elevator doors opened. There were two Cerberus shock troops in the hallway, standing guard, but he caught them by surprise, able to toss them in the air and shoot them before they'd even taken aim.

This was bad. There were bodies everywhere. The security staff, but civilians, too. The guards had put up a good fight, Cerberus had obviously taken a bad hit, but no one had left this building alive. Both sides were probably shipping in backup, he had to move fast, get the council out before there was more resistance than he could handle.

The thought occurred to him that they could actually lose the Citadel. Their defences were in disarray and it looked like Cerberus had the men and the tech to actually pull this off. He was a Spectre, but he was only one man, there was no way he could launch an effective counter-assault while they still had control of C-Sec. He could have really used some backup.

A few more scuffles and he was standing in front of the offices. Looked like the bodyguards hadn't managed to clear the area. He took down two grunts, one a tech who was rigging plastic explosives to the back wall of the office. His omnitool gave him Spectre access and he swiped it over Councillor Esheel's desk, opening up the hidden panel in the back wall.

The three councillors looked like they were lit up with nervous energy, all three of them jumping when their hiding place was opened.

"Alenko," Udina said, for once not sounding bored or condescending. "It's good to see a friendly face."

"Councillors. We've got to move, Cerberus are going to bring in more men any minute."

"What's your plan?" Quentius asked, falling into step behind Kaidan as he led the way back to the elevator.

"They've cut off most of our escape routes, we're going to have to go through the front door. Once we're off the walkway we'll head through the back alleys to the evacuation point outside the embassies, there should be shuttles there that can get you off the station."

When the elevator door closed Kaidan let a fleeting smile cross his face. He'd almost forgotten what it was like to have a high stress combat mission interrupted by an awkward elevator ride.

The walkway would be the most dangerous part of this. Out in the open, all other transport paths cut off. They'd be exposed to snipers, Cerberus' reinforcements would roll right over them, any aerial assault would be unavoidable.

He briefed the Council while they rode. "When we get out there, I'm going to secure the area. As soon as we're out of the door you're all going to move ahead of me and you're going to run. No matter what happens you don't stop running until we're on the ring."

He would have liked them behind him to protect them from sniper fire but he needed the visual in case one fell behind.

The lobby was still clear of hostiles when the elevator opened. Councillor Irissa made a small gasping sound when she saw the carnage. Kaidan walked out first, stepping over the bodies, and checked the corners, making sure he hadn't missed anyone. When he was sure he gestured forward, leading the council to the door.

They all took a pause before the door by silent consensus. He wondered if any of them had run in the past twenty years. In Irissa's case she probably hadn't broken a sweat in a few centuries. If one of them had a heart attack en route that would just be the icing on this terrible, terrible cake.

They didn't have time to hesitate too long. "Alright, go! Go!"

Quentius took point, sprinting at a speed that only turians could manage. Kaidan guided Udina forward by the shoulder and broke into a run, just barely behind the councillors, watching the horizon carefully for any signs of a threat.

He thanked god for their clear path, they'd made it out before Cerberus reinforcements tried to make it in. Udina was red-faced and gasping, beads of sweat trickling down his forehead. Kaidan didn't know what signs of over-exertion turians or asari would show, he had to assume they were doing better than Udina. He was feeling the strain himself, sprinting in full armour while carrying his guns, but he pressed a hand between Udina's shoulder blades, propelling the older man forward when he started to falter.

When they reached the far side all three councillors collapsed against the wall, breathing hard.

"Is everyone alright?" he asked.

None of them answered, too out of breath, but all three nodded.

Kaidan looked down the walkway that separated the tower from the Presidium. They weren't safe yet. He'd have to take them to the inner ring via the maintenance walkways. The custodial panels were easy enough to break into, even without his clearance. He opened up the nearest walkway, the smooth white metal shifting aside to give them access.

"We don't have time to waste. Everyone stay close, we'll take it slow."

The maintenance walkways were dark, lit only by token lighting far above their heads. Keepers didn't need much light to see on the suspended metal grating, lined with glowing consoles and circuitry. There was still a chance that Cerberus would find them in here, but the walkways only allowed for two people shoulder-to-shoulder, maybe not even that in full armour, he could defend better in here.

He pulled up a map on his omnitool and made his way toward the inner ring. He needed a good view of the Presidium to keep them clear of the fighting. On the way there he had seen the upper levels taking the worst of it. The evac pad was up there, but they could make it most of the way on the lower levels, skipping right past the fighting.

When the tunnel opened out onto the ring, amongst the store fronts and gardens, he could see clearly. C-Sec was putting up a resistance, the brunt of the attack was still on the top five levels or so. They were down a good ten levels. He could still see clearly enough to tell what was going on, see the atlas mechs from a distance, watching them toss cars and people like toys. The sound of gunfire was loud, even on the low level.

"How did this happen?" Quentius asked, looking out over the destruction.

"A traitor," said Irissa, her face dark.

"She's right," said Kaidan. He'd reached that conclusion a while ago. "Cerberus couldn't have pulled this off without inside information. Let's keep moving."

He pushed forward, keeping it slow enough not to attract attention. From a distance they'd just look like a group of civilians being escorted by a C-Sec officer.

Udina kept close and whispered low enough to not be overheard. "You don't think...?"

"The thought crossed my mind," he murmured back. "Where's the _Normandy_?"

"I locked it down outside Tuchanka. Lazarus may be behind this, but it isn't here."

Kaidan nodded and Udina fell back. They were making good progress, nearly at the elevator that would drop them right outside the evacuation point. From there he'd get the council loaded onto a shuttle and headed for whichever flagship was closest, then head down to C-Sec himself and join the fight.

They hadn't encountered any resistance so far, he just hoped he could pull this off smoothly.

When they piled into the elevator Kaidan stupidly thought they were actually going to get out of this unscathed. He knew that anything could be waiting when the elevator doors opened but their luck had held so far.

He was unprepared when something fell on top of the elevator car. It took him a second to process it, realising it was a body, they were being ambushed.

"What's that noise?" Irissa asked.

"Gunman. Get down!" He aimed his gun high and pelted the roof with fire, hearing their assailant rolling to avoid it.

The elevator opened and the council didn't need to be told to run. They were out in the open, but the only thing there to greet them was a flaming wreck where the evac shuttle should have been.

"Cerberus took out the shuttle," he said, his mind grasping at the beginnings of a new plan. He had to get them back off the front, go down and try to find another evac point. "Everyone back onto the elevator! Move!"

He turned on his heel and stopped.

Lazarus walked out of the elevator behind him, followed by Liara and... Eva Core?

With slow, deliberate movements, it jammed its omnitool against the control panel, frying the elevator. It wasn't lowering its gun.

"Lazarus?" Udina said. "How did you break..."

"Your controls were never implemented," it said, its voice hard and cold.

Kaidan stepped between Lazarus and Udina, his gun trained on the new arrivals. "Put away the weapon, Lazarus. You don't want this to get ugly."

It was Hello Bear in Lazarus' hands. He never thought he'd be in the crosshairs of that gun, but here they were. He never should have been so stupid. He'd almost trusted that thing.

"It's Shepard," it said. "Stand down, and I'll talk."

He remembered his own lecture about close combat with Lazarus.

_If you catch her in the open, make sure to guard doors, windows, and vents. At this point she'll try to make a quick escape._

It wasn't trying to make any kind of escape. It had him outgunned three to one and it knew it. He didn't know what Eva Core was doing with her, but he was more surprised at Liara. The asari had her gun trained on him, eyes flicking between him and Lazarus. She wasn't backing down though.

"Talk," he said. "And _maybe_ I'll stand down."

"Why are you listening to that thing?" Udina demanded. "What could it possibly have to say?"

"There are Cerberus soldiers in the elevator shaft," Lazarus said. "Don't open the door."

Irissa spoke up. "We've mistrusted Shepard before and it did not help us."

God dammit. Kaidan didn't know what to do. Liara trusted Lazarus, Thane trusted it. But he couldn't, not with the council and the Citadel at stake.

Hello Bear was still pointed at him. Whatever mods she was packing would burn through his armour like it was tissue paper, he knew that. Lazarus was a faster shot, a better shot.

_I can't make this clear enough: do not get shot by Hello Bear._

"We don't have time to debate this, I'm overriding the lock," Udina said. Kaidan heard his footsteps behind him and Lazarus followed the councillor with her gun. Even if Udina got through the lock they weren't going anywhere.

"Lazarus," he tried. "Look at us. This can't end well. Just put the gun down."

It licked its lips, not moving the gun. "If that door opens, we die. Udina is with Cerberus."

Udina barked out a humourless laugh. " _You're_ accusing me of being in league with Cerberus? Preposterous!"

Kaidan swallowed thickly. No, he wasn't going to believe that. Lazarus was amoral, it would tell any lie. He just had to keep it distracted long enough to get to his omnitool and shut down its functions. He was sorely tempted to shoot it, but the second he tightened his finger he knew he'd have a smoking hole in his chest and the council would have to contend with an entire Cerberus assault without protection.

He looked down the barrel of Ivy's gun.

_Do not get shot by Hello Bear._

"You know I can't believe that, Lazarus." He kept his voice low and even, but it was working some very sore nerves. Every second they kept talking was one he was putting the council in danger.

"It's _Shepard_."

"No, it's not," he said softly.

Lazarus looked at its companions. It lowered Bear, but it was moving too fast for comfort. In a few quick movements it unsnapped the clasps on its neck and tossed the helmet aside. Kaidan backed up a few steps, not sure where it was going with this.

Bear still in one hand, Lazarus gripped her undermask and pulled it off in one smooth movement, letting the fabric float to the ground.

"Kaidan, _it's me._ "

Kaidan felt time slow to a crawl. It felt like the blood in his veins stopped flowing, like his heart seized and refused to beat again. He was suddenly breathless, all the air knocked out of his lungs.

"Ivy..." he choked out without really meaning to.

There were no husk parts, no surgical scars, no strange alien eyes or anything else his imagination had cooked up. It was just Ivy.

All her scarring was gone, beautiful doe eyes staring at him without one being partially puckered over. Her hairline had been repaired, and her dark curls were wild, spilling over her armour, that one perfect curl in the middle of her forehead still refusing to flow with the others.

Her skin was drawn, haggard and ash white. Her eyes were red and swollen; she'd been crying. She was still crying. She was tired, sad and hopeless, but she was there, alive, right in front of his eyes. More beautiful than he had ever seen her.

His hands were shaking too badly to aim his gun. Ivy wasn't looking at it. Her eyes were fixed on his face. He had forgotten how dark her eyes were, how pretty. She was right in front of him but his whole body was frozen.

A sound from behind him brought reality suddenly crashing back down around him.

Udina's voice was a blur, the thump of flesh against metal, Irissa's short cry and suddenly the world came rushing back into sharp relief.

The pain in Kaidan's chest was suddenly replaced by a rush of white hot fury at Lazarus. They moved at the same time, and he didn't think he'd ever moved so fast. His gun fell to the ground, his omnitool was open and with one swipe of his thumb he disabled everything except her heart just as he heard the gunshot go off.

Lazarus fell to the ground like a puppet with its strings cut, its wrists and ankles snapping together hard enough to crack the ceramic plating on its armour. Its eyes, Ivy's eyes, stared sightlessly.

Kaidan whirled around just in time to see Udina go down, a hole the size of a baseball punched through his chest, still sizzling.

"God _dammit_ ," Kaidan hissed. He didn't bother checking, there was no way Udina could have survived that.

He turned his gun on Liara and Eva, but the elevator door behind them suddenly started spitting sparks. Someone was getting through from the other side. The two women fell back, their guns trained on the elevator, positioning themselves to protect Lazarus.

Kaidan felt a tremble of doubt. Had it been telling the truth? Were the real Cerberus behind that door?

He didn't know which way to turn, but settled for guarding against the elevator. If they were reinforcements for his side his position would finally improve. He felt a pit of guilt tearing at his gut. Udina had died because of him, he was going to protect the rest of the council.

The doors opened and Kaidan relaxed. "Bailey."

"Alenko," Bailey nodded, then looked around. "Made it as fast as we could. Looks like you... uh..."

"It's Spectre business, now," Kaidan said, deflating a little. Lazarus would have to be tried, court martialed and hopefully executed. He'd probably be tried for negligence as well. Hell of a first week on the job.

"Well, Cerberus beat feet into the Keeper tunnels when they heard us coming, so it looks like you're safe. Damn pity about Shepard."

Eva knelt down next to Lazarus, half-holding it and supporting its head.

"Wait, there were Cerberus in that shaft?"

"Well sure, didn't Shepard tell you?"

Lazarus had been telling the truth. Udina was the traitor. He looked down at where its body lay, blind, deaf, mute and bound. It had saved them.

"Shepard was telling the truth," Irissa said. "She saved us."

Quentius bent down to examine it. "Whatever you did, Major, reverse it."

Kaidan hesitated, but he couldn't refuse an order from the council. He was overwhelmed, unsure what had just happened and why Lazarus had gone so far to defend them. The anger at it, the pain at seeing its face, the adrenaline from the standoff and the utterly humbling turn of events just left him dazed. He opened up its control panel and reinstated its functions.

Before his eyes Ivy came back to life, limp body reanimating, eyes opening, a gasping breath drawn in sharply. He looked away.

"Oh, well... she's alive then," Bailey said, cocking his head to the side.

It wasn't getting up. Kaidan fought the urge to kneel down and comfort Ivy, to smooth her hair away from her face and ask what was wrong. That wasn't Ivy. It was Lazarus breathing in sharp puffs, skin somehow even paler than before, weak in Eva's arms.

"Get her to the hospital," Councillor Irissa ordered. "We'll talk to her later."

"Alright, people," Bailey said, taking control of the situation. "Someone get a shuttle in here to evacuate the principals. We've got a tunnel and a million more places to secure. Move it."

Cerberus were still on the station. Bailey looked at Kaidan and ordered half a dozen of his men to stay behind and guard the Council while the shuttle arrived. Kaidan tried to save face, not leaving the Council. He was still on duty, but it seemed pretty clear to Bailey at least that he wasn't there.

He couldn't believe that Lazarus had done that to him. Of all the dirty fighting he'd ever seen, he never thought anyone would stoop to that.

"Let's take her to the _Normandy_ ," Liara said. "Dr. Chakwas can –"

"No." Lazarus shook off the funk, climbing upright on hands and knees. "I have to find Thane."

"My records indicate that an emergency response team has already found Thane Krios. He is being taken to Huerta Memorial Hospital." Eva spoke, but it wasn't her voice. It was a familiar voice that took Kaidan a minute to place.

"EDI?" he asked.

She nodded. "I have repurposed this body. I anticipated your confusion, but there was no time to explain."

Lazarus was already at the elevator, motioning for the others to follow. Liara held up her hand toward Lazarus and walked over to him. She put a hand on his shoulder. "Are you alright, Kaidan?"

"I..." He didn't really know how to answer her. His head was swimming. Lazarus had just... he didn't even know how to describe it. It had used everything he was ashamed of against him. Worse than that, it had been right to do it. "I'll be fine, Liara. I just need some time to process this. Uh... sorry I pointed a gun at you."

She half-laughed, a sort of relieved, disbelieving sound. "I'm sorry I pointed one at you. Maybe you should leave this to C-Sec, I don't think you're going to do much good here."

As she spoke he saw the shadow of a shuttle fall over them. He looked back at Irissa and Quentius, who were looking exactly how he felt, dazed and uncoordinated, trying to put on a professional face.

"She's right, Major," Irissa said. "You're relieved."

She didn't sound angry, although she had every right to be. C-Sec helped them into the shuttle and Kaidan turned back to Liara. "You know, I think you're right."

Liara gave him a sympathetic look and squeezed his shoulder, then turned to join Lazarus.

Soon the elevator was gone, the shuttle had taken off and Bailey's men had rushed off to somewhere and he was left on the landing pad alone. The battle was winding down, the station was secure, and he wasn't sure where to go.

He had to submit a report. He was sure the Council had a few things to say. If he was honest he didn't care.

Seeing Ivy again had shaken him in a way he hadn't thought possible. He had seen the worst horrors of war and kept going, but he hadn't been prepared to see her face. He had accepted that she was gone, he had moved on, but how could he ever be able to deal with her just... popping up now and again? In the way Lazarus walked, in its voice, in its smell, now in its doe eyes and the arch of its eyebrow.

It had used him. He couldn't begrudge it for how it was created, it wasn't Cerberus. But to weaponise Ivy against him? That was so cold. It was inhuman.

He stood at the edge of the landing pad for what seemed like hours, trying to get his head around what had just happened. Somehow it all came back to Lazarus. Everything that had happened, every bit of bad luck, every screwup, it all happened with a pair of black-masked eyes watching him. As soon as Lazarus was anywhere near him he was almost guaranteed to get something wrong.

Just like with Ivy. Only Ivy switched off his brain with smug smiles and a swing of her hips, saying something awkward or outright brainless, which almost always ended up with him being so overcome with adoration that he stopped thinking. Lazarus did it on purpose, arguing with him, baiting him, bringing up a painful past and then using it to...

Kaidan sighed and leaned against the rail. Using it to save the Council.

If Lazarus hadn't done that he would have had two dead councillors and a living traitor instead of the other way around. As angry as it made him, she had saved them. Saved him. Done his job for him even if it meant tearing out his heart in the process. Just like Ivy.

He couldn't keep doing this. He couldn't keep persecuting her, keeping her at arms length, undermining her. He would have to swallow his pride and admit that she was more human than he was comfortable with and on his side. Cerberus had taken Ivy's body and they had made a new person. A great person. A smart, strong, loyal person.

A person who thought she was Ivy, but he could live with that. He'd just nearly killed her instead of trusting her like he should have. He owed her.

He knew what he had to do. He hated it, but he knew it just the same.

Comms were still mostly down, so he made his way through the still-open paths to the docking bays. The _Normandy_ was in bay D24, which was crowded with military personnel.

She took her time, leaving him too much time alone with his thoughts. He guessed that she was with Thane or Bailey. He wanted news on Thane, but if it was as bad as he suspected it was probably a time he wanted to be with his family.

When Lazarus finally made her way through the docking bay she looked dead on her feet. She was even paler than when he'd last seen her, her eyes half closed, shoulders slumped. When she saw him she barely even reacted, stopping a few feet from him and looked at him, dazed.

"Commander," he said. He suddenly didn't know what to do with his hands, so he crossed his arms.

She leaned against the wall, supporting her weight. "Major."

"That was the lowest thing anyone has ever done to me."

"I'm sorry."

He flicked his thumb across his lip, screwing up his nerve. "Thank you for doing it."

"You're welcome." She didn't look like she gave a damn about anything he had to say, she was just being polite by talking to him, so he decided to make it quick.

"Hackett offered me a position. But, uh, I'd rather be on the _Normandy_ , if you'll have me."

"It's my ship."

"I know. You're the senior Spectre, I get that."

She looked at him through red-rimmed eyes. "I'm in love with you."

It wasn't a declaration. She sounded so tired. Kaidan looked away.

"Yeah, I know," he said as gently as he could. "I'm sorry."

His heart really went out to her. If he could have pretended, he would have. Cerberus was behind this, they were the ones who put her through this and he hated that this was one they were going to win. He couldn't do a damn thing to make this easier on her.

She pushed herself off the wall, shakily standing on her own two feet, and walked past him.

"Welcome aboard, Major."


	41. Monster in the Mirror

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 40**

**Monster in the Mirror**

* * *

_Three_

* * *

Shepard hunched over the toilet, feeling the spasms of her diaphragm begin again. Her body heaved, trying to force out the contents of a long-since-empty stomach. She coughed, her gut aching, managing to spit up some of the bile that burnt her throat.

She fell against the wall, panting. Her eyes were watering, but she had given up on crying. It wasn't something she was ashamed of, even as a child she had known how to work through tears. Life didn't stop because a person was crying, it was not an excuse to stop work. She could aim a gun while crying, she could design a circuit while crying, she could keep quiet, be hidden while crying. It was a natural stress relief, and nothing to be avoided so long as it didn't interfere with her work.

Unfortunately the same couldn't be said for vomiting.

She gripped the edge of the sink and pulled herself to her feet. Her knees were shaky, but she held her own weight. With one hand she scooped water into her mouth. She had to keep hydrated or she was going to start throwing up her stomach lining, which would be deeply unpleasant.

The last few days had just been a blur of gunfire, hurried goodbyes, and occasional fits of crying or vomiting. She was worn out. There was no time for a break, no time to collect herself, but she needed one. Part of her, a part too large for comfort, was wondering why she was going to so much trouble.

Mordin was dead. Father Mills was dead. Thane was dead. Ash was dead. Her surviving friends probably wouldn't last much longer. Kaidan hated her. Anderson didn't trust her. Even if they won this war the only future she had was in an Alliance operating theatre.

God, Mordin was dead.

She looked up at the mirror. She saw someone else's face staring back.

Lazarus.

Lazarus' perfect face looked back at her. Her perfect eyes and perfect hair, her perfect vision, perfect motivation. Her perfect sense of right and wrong, perfect rationales for every action she took and every order she gave.

Lazarus would not have felt bad for using that face against Kaidan. She would have seen it in black and white. The alternatives were to shoot Kaidan or let the Council die. Exploiting her advantage was the only method of achieving the appropriate outcome. She would have seen this war as a lost cause but put her whole being into trying anyway, because that was her purpose. She would have seen Mordin's death as unfortunate but unavoidable.

Shepard had never felt her human weakness so keenly as when she had a point of comparison.

When she held herself up against Lazarus she could only feel inadequate. Her emotional weakness was a liability. This desperate need to unring a bell was hindering her efficiency.

She sank down to the floor again. She was bone tired, physically and emotionally exhausted.

She wanted her life back. She wanted these new scars from ECT and exploratory surgery gone and she wanted her old ones back, the ones she had earned. She wanted her distant relationship with Father Mills, not the frantic sense of loss that Mordin left behind. She wanted Kaidan's smile when she was being an idiot, not his guarded contempt. She wanted something ugly, worn and old in the mirror, not her Cerberus-issued perfection.

She closed her eyes, feeling the tears and nausea well up again.

The door to the bathroom slid open and she looked up through bleary eyes. EDI's metallic footsteps echoed in the small room, too loud.

Shepard smiled weakly as EDI sat down beside her, leaning against the wall with her. EDI took her hand, lacing their fingers together, and looked at her. "Organic species can find physical contact comforting in times of distress."

Shepard squeezed the hand in hers. It was a strange metal, soft and giving. Harder than a human's flesh but not as hard as a geth's chassis. It was warm, too. She rested her head on EDI's shoulder, gasping quietly.

"Mordin's dead, EDI," she said, not sure why she was stating obvious facts.

"He will be missed. He was a good man."

"He was the best."

EDI stroked her hair. Such a strange, human gesture. One they'd studied together. They'd learned so much about being human together. "He wanted you to continue this war, Shepard. Your current state would cause him considerable distress."

"I know."

"If you are unable to orally ingest fluids we need to put you on an intravenous feed. I will contact Dr. Chakwas."

"No," Shepard said. "No, please, not the infirmary."

EDI nodded. "I will ask her to bring the equipment to your quarters."

"Thank you."

"Your sleeping habits have been poor, Shepard. If this continues you will not be able to conduct field exercises."

"What do you suggest?"

"Unfortunately I have no available solutions. Mordin was the authority on organic medicine."

Shepard leaned against her shoulder and squeezed her sore eyes closed. Dr. Chakwas could help. Mordin wasn't the only doctor she had known. Even Miranda Lawson could probably provide advice if the situation deteriorated.

EDI perked up, looking away. "Major Alenko is requesting permission to enter your quarters."

"What?" Shepard asked, then shook her head. "Stall him. Help me up."

Shit. Kaidan couldn't see her like this. He had probably put her state on the Citadel down to their standoff, and her lack of presence on the ship down to her schedule, but he couldn't see how badly things were going. He'd agreed to be under her command but if he thought she was incompetent he would petition to have her removed in a heartbeat.

EDI hooked an arm around her ribs, supporting her weight as together they managed to drag her to her feet. Her knees weren't supporting her well and her hand-eye coordination was shot. She hadn't even begun to recover from her latest fit.

"He is asking about the delay," EDI said.

"We're having a confidential conversation. Get me to the sofa. Can you tell what he's doing here?"

They maneuvered through the doorway and down the few stairs. "He is holding a number of datapads. I cannot speculate as to their contents."

The mod patents. She hadn't forgotten about them, but she hadn't been able to deal with it so soon after their confrontation. He was right, though, they needed to be dealt with as quickly as possible, these delays weren't professional.

EDI placed her on the sofa and she relaxed back into a reclining position against the arm, resting her legs on the cushions. She fussed with her hair, pulling it around her shoulders. She wasn't wearing anything close to suitable for receiving him, just the pair of leggings and tank top she had picked up on the Citadel to replace her old ones. Her face, feet, arms and hands were bare, her cleavage was showing, her scars on full display. No time to change it.

She scrubbed her face and took a deep breath, trying to look presentable. She grabbed a random datapad off the table and started perusing it casually.

"Alright, let him in. See Dr. Chakwas about the drip?"

"Acknowledged, Shepard," EDI said, already moving toward the door.

The door slid open and EDI walked past Kaidan on her way out. Shepard darted her eyes between him and the datapad, trying to look absorbed.

He stopped walking by the fishtank, standing back as if she was going to bite him.

She looked up just in time to see his eyes flick across her body, his tongue dart out to wet his lips. She wasn't sure what he was thinking or feeling. Maybe desire, maybe anger, maybe confusion. He had always loved her in these clothes.

"What can I do for you, Major?" she asked.

"I, uh..." His eyes swept down her body again. "I wanted to get an opinion on some of these requests, see if you had an answer for me on Gungren Industrial. Do you have some time?"

"Yes." She gestured to the sofa, urging him to sit. "Release high explosives up to mk 5 for Gungren."

He sat down, as far from her as he could get, and put the stack of requests on the table. The muscles in his throat were tight. his jaw clenched, he wouldn't meet her eyes.

"Do you think that's high enough? I saw footage of those harvesters, I wouldn't want to face one down with only a mk 5."

"Krogans hunt in packs," she said. She'd talked this over exhaustively with Mordin. "If a harvester lands they'll converge on the location. It's a big kill, they'll all want it for themselves."

"Yeah, alright. I see your point. Jormangund wants lotus rounds, what do you think?"

"Absolutely not. We'd have every mobster's private militia armed to take down Alliance units."

"What about Serrice?"

Shepard thought for a moment. They had a notoriously strict screening process for potential customers, but they might have relaxed their standards in wartime. If memory served, they hadn't relaxed their policy during the rachni wars or the krogan rebellion. That was as safe as they could get. "Approve them across the board."

"Hahne-Kedar wants..." He trailed off, shaking his head. He was still looking at the datapad in his hands, but he was distracted. He looked up. "I'm sorry, but I've got to ask. You sent me that bottle, didn't you?"

Her stomach felt like it did a flip, all the acid and bile bubbling painfully again. "What gave me away?"

"You've forgotten how to write."

"Yes."

"You really shouldn't have done that."

She looking down at her hands. She had been too hopeful, too optimistic. Time and patience wouldn't work this time, Kaidan was never going to even be her friend again. Their wounds were too sore, his pride was too damaged. He wanted her out of his life.

"I know. It won't happen again."

He was the reason she fought this war. She might never have his love but he could have his life and that was enough reason to stand up and fight, the only real reason she was still on this ship. She would just have to forget him once all was said and done.

He gave a pained expression. "You don't know how to write Russian."

"I said so."

"No, I mean you never did. You never learned the Cyrillic alphabet, you learned to write in English."

She sighed at her own stupidity. Of course. No wonder she couldn't write that card. "Thank you."

"No problem," he said in a tone that suggested it was as much of a problem as he could stand. "Hahne-Kedar want lotus."

"They can have them."

"Armax wants sandman rounds? I don't know what those are."

Shepard nearly laughed, the first time in days she'd felt like smiling. "Uh? No. Those are sedative rounds, intended for use in veterinary practise. Lock them down."

He didn't smile with her. Didn't give any indication that he'd heard except checking something off with his stylus.

"Lotus for Rosenkov?"

"Mk... 3. No higher. I don't want Citadel militia getting too unruly."

"And high explosive?"

"No. When did you get that scar?" She pointed to the back of his hand where a long white line ran between his knuckles.

He looked down at his hand. "About six months ago. What about tungsten rounds for Rosenkov?"

"Up to mk 5. Where were you?"

"That's classified."

Kaidan started sorting through his stack of datapads, obviously not wanting to follow her line of conversation. Too personal. She couldn't help but smile a little despite that.

"That's the first time you've pulled the 'classified' card on me."

He scrubbed a hand through his hair. "I guess it is. Can we just... can we stay on topic, here?"

His attempts to keep himself distracted by fidgeting with datapads and his hair and whatever else he could reach were counter-productive for her. She had missed those hands and the more he moved them the more difficult she found it to keep from staring at them.

Thankfully even she wasn't awkward enough to blurt out the only thought in her head, which was how often she had pleasured herself thinking of those hands. That hint of silver in his hair was a welcome addition, as well. She could easily picture herself running her fingertips through those grey streaks.

"Commander?"

"Sorry, what?" She jerked back to reality.

He frowned at her, a scrutinising, pitying look that made her want to curl into a ball. "Are you listening to me?"

"No."

"Well, maybe I'll come back when you're not so distracted," he said, a hint of frustration in his voice as he rose to his feet and collected the stack of datapads.

"No, wait, Kaidan." She half-moved to follow him, although she wasn't ready to stand just yet. "Just give me the datapads, I'll look over them."

She held out her hands, palms up. Kaidan's mouth was open to say something, something she expected would not be particularly friendly, when he stopped. He stared at her outstretched hands, absently setting the stack of pads back on the table.

With one huge hand he grabbed her left wrist, sending a shock of heat and fear and anticipation through her. She felt the rough pad of his thumb graze the skin of her inner wrist, just over the scar from her cuff implants.

She realised what he was looking at and tried to snatch her hand back but he held her tight. The skin of her left forearm was still red, the incision from wrist to elbow wasn't fully healed, the burns from the ECT hadn't faded. Her arm looked a mess.

"Let go of me, Major," she said in a low, warning voice.

"Sorry." He let go of her hand. "I'm sorry, I just... They really did a number on you."

She crossed her arms under her breasts self-consciously. "Yes."

"And the..." He made a cross gesture across his chest, indicating the deep vee scar that ran from her shoulders down to her sternum. He looked disgusted by it.

She felt vulnerable, and it was no longer safe to be vulnerable with this man, so she tried to turn it into anger. "If you have something to say, Major, say it."

"I don't, I guess I should have expected Cerberus to do something like that."

"Cerberus?" she asked, surprised. "You think Cerberus did this?"

"They built you, didn't they? I'm just assuming that involved some surgery."

"They did all their work before my skin was regrown. These scars are from the Alliance vivisection."

Kaidan froze, so still she wasn't even sure he was with her anymore. When he spoke his voice was hoarse. "The _Alliance_ did that to you."

"How did you think they hacked me? Implanted my cuffs?"

He was shaking his head, like he didn't want to believe her. "I guess I didn't think about it."

"That's all you have to say?" she asked. She knew it was childish, baiting him to care that she had been hurt. "Are you going to defend them?"

"No, I guess not. I don't know. I don't know, Commander. I just don't know what's right anymore."

"You can't look at this and realise it's not right?"

"Can't you just accept that you're a stranger to me?" He looked so tired, his words just a murmur on a long exhale. "I don't know what the Alliance did, I don't know why, I can't judge the situation. I don't know _you_. I'm never going to know you. We can't be friends. I can't be your friend."

He looked shame faced as he finished, but she hadn't even started with him yet. If he couldn't be her friend then she had no business sparing his feelings. She sat up fully, leaning forward and forcing him to look at her.

"You know what, Alenko? No matter who this body belongs to, who I was or who I am, I'm the one who couldn't convince them I needed anaesthesia until after they started cutting." He opened his mouth to speak but she didn't let him. "I know everything about you that Ivy knew, and I never knew you could be so damn cold. Get the hell out of here, I'll deal with these requests. I don't want to see your face until I call you to go groundside. Got it?"

He pressed his lips together, looking like he was trying to decide between apologising and telling her to go to hell. After a few seconds of internal debate he scowled and gave a half shrug.

"Yes, ma'am," he said, his voice laced with sarcasm.

Kaidan turned on his heel and walked out of the room, leaving the datapads scattered on her table. As soon as the door shut behind him the silence was deafening. She shouldn't have said any of that. He shouldn't have, either.

Shepard flopped back on the sofa and sighed. "I can't believe I'm saving the galaxy for that jackass."


	42. Line of Fire

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 41**

**Line of Fire**

* * *

_Three_

* * *

The _Normandy_ had changed. Kaidan still recognised it, but it was like the difference between Ivy and Lazarus. All the set pieces were in the right place, but there was something off about all of it. The galaxy map was there, but somehow Shepard had picked up a personal assistant to hover around it like it was being haunted. The elevator was still too big and too slow, but now it had four buttons instead of two. The MAKO was now a Hammerhead. Engineer Adams had a team of ex-Cerberus engineers under him.

Their pre-game ritual had changed, too. Ivy used to treat going into combat like it was a visit to the mess, not saying or doing anything special. Now it seemed like she needed some extra motivation. Lazarus didn't have Ivy's unquestioning devotion to duty and it pained him to admit that it was probably an improvement. He had always had his heart in his throat before each mission wondering when the day would come when she would take a hit for the team because she didn't see any reason not to. And that day had come three years ago.

But just before they boarded the shuttle to the dreadnought she and Vega had grabbed each others' armour in a practised move, leaned their foreheads together in a way that made Kaidan's blood boil.

"Ready to be a badass, Lola?" Vega asked.

He could hear the smirk in her voice. "Think you can keep up with me, Vega?"

"Yeah right. I'll try to take it slow for you, niñata."

Then they exchanged a headbutt, the crack of ceramic plating echoing around the shuttle bay. Vega stumbled back from the impact, which Kaidan had to admit was a little funny to see.

When she left the ship to follow the outside tunnel to the dreadnought she looked like she was taking a stroll along the Presidium. James trying to psych her up over the comms was just met with a few sarcastic remarks. Actually it looked like the experience was harder on James than on her.

Thankfully she was still the same in that way. As soon as they were off the ship she was professional. He'd been worried, she was clearly a wreck dealing with whatever was going on. But when she was in full armour, sniper rifle in hand and cloak at the ready, she was just as comforting to have at his back.

She was still fast as hell. When they were making their way down the maintenance paths of the main gun, pulses of energy occasionally hammering them through their armour, her frustration was so thick in the air he felt like he could reach out and touch it. She was fast enough to leave them in the dust but not strong enough to handle the geth resistance on her own, which left her stripping ahead of them only to have to wait while he and Vega tried to catch up without getting caught in the shockwaves that ran down the barrel.

She and Tali still made a special point of not liking each other.

She was friends with a geth. That shouldn't have surprised him. Part of him, an uncharitable part, wanted to say that a synthetic taking another synthetic under their protection was some show of solidarity. But there was a little part of his brain, a niggling, annoying part, that reminded him of Ivy defending the geth long before her death. That was why she and Tali didn't like each other.

Maybe she was right, maybe he was just cold. He was definitely having some thoughts that didn't gel with his usual role as a peacemaker. Lazarus was a person, she had a right to life. But when she was alone in the void of space he couldn't help thinking that if that tunnel collapsed and spaced her there would be a certain poetry to it. Having her life taken away the same way Ivy's had been.

That made him really loathe himself. He'd promised to let go of Ivy where Lazarus was concerned, he didn't want another repeat of the Citadel. But he just couldn't get attached to Lazarus. He didn't want to.

Despite his self-talk about not caring, he couldn't help the flash of panic for her as well as himself when Han Gerrel ordered the fleets to keep firing on the dreadnought.

He looked at Lazarus. Killed by a quarian, now that would be poetic.

She had sighed deeply. "God dammit, Gerrel."

And they had run, they had dodged the explosions and avoided the collapsing walkways. It had been fast and intense but she was still so calm, and just like always she didn't miss a beat, like she had been expecting this since they showed up. It was easy to be calm when she was in charge.

Somehow they'd ended up back on the shuttle, uncomfortably cramped with Tali and Legion joining the three of them. He should have expected this from the quarians. It was understandable that they hated the geth, but they just knew how to take it too far, go against all reason to get... revenge? He didn't know anymore. He'd never seen such a huge conflict with no offer of surrender made.

Lazarus was calm. So calm that it worried him. She didn't take orders easily, she didn't make the sacrifice play without good reason and she didn't appreciate betrayal. He didn't believe for a second that she was taking this better than him.

James didn't have much of a poker face outside the poker table. "Permission to punch a quarian admiral, ma'am?"

"Negative, lieutenant. Keep it in check."

Kaidan had a sinking feeling. This wasn't going to end well.

When they were back on the ship he had reported to the war room as soon as he was showered and into his blues. Lazarus took a long time to show up. Long enough to make him nervous. Retaliation for Gerrel's stunt was certain, he just hadn't figured out how it was going to go down.

Lazarus wasn't much of an orator, but he thought she might have a few words for the admiral. She'd managed to take Kaidan himself down a few pegs with her succinct speech.

So when she walked into the war room, still in her armour, Kaidan just didn't react fast enough. He might have used her cuffs if he'd had the time, but in a few short seconds she had reached the admiral, cracked her knuckles, and punched him square in the face.

Gerrel crumpled like a puppet with its strings cut. Lazarus didn't stick around, she just turned and walked out again, as calmly as she'd walked in.

The quarians rushed to help Gerrel, Kaidan could see the way his face plate had cracks radiating out from the point of impact. They'd have to get him back to the flotilla for a replacement. He stared between the admiral and the door where Lazarus had gone, trying to decide which to deal with first.

He decided to leave the quarians to deal with their own and followed Lazarus.

He found her in the conference room, hunched over the table, leaning heavily on the balls of her hands. Her face was mostly covered, her mouth gave him no indication of what she was feeling.

"You want to tell me what that was?" he asked.

"I thought it was self-explanatory."

"Cute. You can't just go around assaulting foreign dignitaries."

She stared at the table blankly. "I thought I said I didn't want to see you unless we were groundside."

He crossed his arms. "I don't like it anymore than you do, Commander, but I'm responsible for you. When Anderson or Hackett or the Council want to know why the synthetic under my supervision punched an admiral, I need to have an answer for them."

"Is he alright?"

"Well I'll bet you've given him a nasty infection, but yeah, he'll live. You broke his face plate."

She winced at that. "He tried to kill us."

"Yeah he did. You don't care so much about that."

She gave a short laugh. "He tried to kill the geth. And he failed, so he might have killed the quarians. He's an asshole and one of these species is going to die for it. Is that a good enough reason to punch him?"

"You're sure it has nothing to do with you not liking quarians?" He didn't like to ask that, but it had to be asked.

"Weren't you the one saying you don't know me, Major? Aren't we strangers? How would you know what I think of quarians?"

"The melee beatdown tipped me off," he said dryly.

She straightened, her shoulders tense, and turned away from him. "I don't like genocide. Maybe that's just my cold robot logic talking."

"You don't have to get sarcastic."

"You started it."

_You beautiful idiot._

Kaidan leaned against the table, their positions reversed from when he came in. He felt a keen need to grab her and kiss her, stop her childish petulance, stop his own. She could call herself anything she wanted, Ivy, Shepard or Lazarus, and it still would have been the worst mistake to put her in charge of diplomacy. She was made for the inside of a garage, not the bridge of a warship. She had always been that way.

He had to keep his head. He was getting a lot of practise at that, lately.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked quietly.

"The geth are not disposable."

"They're with the Reapers right now."

"And why shouldn't they be?" She cracked the fastenings on her helmet and set it on the table. "The only organic species in their lives has tried to kill them. Twice. For no reason. If I was in that position I might start looking at other options as well."

"Are you trying to justify joining the Reapers?" he asked.

"They didn't deserve what happened to them. They just started asking questions. They wanted to live. Those were their crimes. Quarians don't like their tools having minds of their own."

Kaidan groaned. When she was projecting her own issues onto other people there was no stopping her. "You're mad at them, I get it, but right now we need you to keep a clear head. You need to understand who the enemy is here, and it's not the quarians."

"They're not interested in helping. They don't care about the rest of the galaxy, they just want the geth off Rannoch."

"Yeah, for now. But if the quarians are killed we're going to have a whole species of geth to fight as well as the Reapers. If the geth are killed we gain an ally. An ally that we need."

"Legion thinks differently."

"You've made some interesting friends, Commander."

She looked at him and even through her mask he could feel her scathing look. "And believe me when I say, Major, that I'm sincerely glad you haven't met most of them."

"Look, I don't want to kill the geth. I want to resolve this peacefully. But if we can't then we have to make the decision that's best for Earth. The quarians have the biggest fleet in the galaxy. Earth can't afford for us to alienate them."

"The _quarians_ are going to fling their ships at the geth until one or both of their species is dead. They're going to decimate their numbers. Even with their fleet they don't have the firepower to end this quickly. So what you're really asking is for _me_ to kill the geth. You're putting that on me."

"This whole war is on you."

"I'm aware."

He felt bad about pressing the issue. It wasn't easy, he knew she wasn't in the best place and her loyalties were split. She'd come out swinging on this, she'd knock the two sides into line so fast they wouldn't know what hit them, but he needed her to be thinking about what to do when they inevitably didn't want to get along.

"Can you do it?" he asked. "Are you up to this?"

"I am doing what I can." She turned to him. "I need you to believe in me. We're going to take back Earth."

"I just don't know, Commander. You're making me nervous." She had to know where he was coming from.

She took one angry step toward him. "Well maybe if you weren't such a stubborn ass, you wouldn't be so nervous!"

He felt the incredulous expression on his own face. "Me? I'm stubborn? Well I guess it's better than being childish."

"Did you just call me childish?"

"Yeah, I did."

Somehow they were in each others' space, not backing down. He couldn't believe her. Her lips curled in a snarl. "Maybe if you would listen to reason I wouldn't have to resort to other tactics."

"Oh, reason. That's what that was? God forbid anyone notice that the Great Commander Shepard has a spot of racism in her."

"Childish _and_ racist, now. Anything else you'd like to add?"

"I could think of a few things." He could hear his own voice rising, but he didn't let himself get distracted. This woman. This infuriating woman. She knew every button to push to short out his brain with anger.

"Well don't worry about listing them," she spat. "I can guess."

"God dammit, Ivy!"

The room fell silent, his words hanging between them. Her face had frozen, the grimace stunned from her face. All he could hear was his own rapid heartbeat as he looked down at her, trying to come to grips with what he had just said.

Just like all those years ago, he couldn't say who moved first. All he knew was that his hands were cupping her face and her fingers were twisted into his shirt and they were kissing.

_I love you._

They stumbled together, caught off-balance by the sudden movement. He pressed her back toward the table and she landed heavily, sitting on the hard surface, half-catching her balance and not leaving him for a second. She parted his lips with her own to tease at his tongue and he groaned deep in his throat.

She tasted right. She felt right. The little moaning sounds she made were right.

He moved a hand to cradle her head as she pushed up harder against him. He sucked her bottom lip between his, then nudged her nose with his own to to encourage her to kiss him again. She sighed against his lips as she came back to him. He could feel her smile, feel the tension in the curl of her fingers against his sides.

It felt amazing, half-sprawled on the table, pressed up against her, his breathing coming hard and the smell of her dizzying him. It was a catharsis he hadn't known he needed. To disagree with her. To get angry. She was so smart that half the time he had no reply for her, and so vulnerable that he was always protecting her. To argue with her, uncensored, and have her argue right back, felt as good as the kisses.

It wasn't Ivy. He knew that. But god it was close.

He pulled back from her, panting, his chest hurting.

She seemed to realise what they'd just done at the same time he did, climbing off the table with a defeated sigh.

Damn. That was stupid.

Ivy was dead, and he knew she'd want him to move on. But not in that direction. Anywhere else. It wasn't fair on Ivy to fall for her doppelganger, and it wasn't fair on Lazarus to fall for her just because she reminded him of somebody else.

Lazarus cleared her throat. "I'm going to extract Koris. He'll be a good mediator."

"Yeah. Yeah, that's a good idea."

"You might want to sit this one out."

He nodded. "I'll do that."

She adjusted her mask where it had gone askew, fussed with her armour, and he knew that she wanted him to leave. He didn't need a written invitation, quickly backing out of the room and heading out to anywhere else on the ship.

Damn.


	43. Overlord

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 42**

**Overlord**

* * *

_Two_

* * *

"Lazarus is going to get us fucking killed."

Garrus was sitting in the cockpit with Joker and Jack, watching the live feed from the ground team on Aite. If Jack was worried about the possibility of their imminent death she wasn't showing it, her boots propped up on the console, a bowl of some strange human food in her lap, little yellow pieces of foam that she ate by the handful.

"If there's one thing Shepard knows, it's how to hide," Joker said.

"Pity Shepard's not here, then," Jack mumbled, stuffing her mouth with another handful of food. "Thought we were running from these assholes, not helping them."

"Lazarus is right," Garrus said. "The Alliance aren't going to capture us while she's groundside, and they're not going to storm a Cerberus facility to get to her."

Jack looked at him. He was still not sure about human facial expressions but she didn't look happy. Bored, maybe? "Thanks for the recap, Vakarian. I get why she's down there, but why is she doing... What is she doing?"

He looked back to the screens, which were showing like a first person shooter video game. Lazarus had apparently decided that she, Kasumi, and Thane were going to take on the geth who had overridden the facility. Admittedly, not the stealthiest method of laying low. They were supposed to be holed up in whatever safe part of the station they could find until EDI had finished disabling the Alliance tracking beacon that had been stuck on the _Normandy_.

He couldn't blame them for amusing themselves during their downtime, Aite didn't have a lot to offer in entertainment. They'd already managed to blow up a hostile satellite dish and go sightseeing.

"Jeff," EDI said. "The Alliance vessel is no longer tracking us."

"Nice work, EDI."

"I had insufficient time to disable the device. They have stopped following us of their own accord. Also, Lazarus has an incoming call from Admiral Hackett."

"Oh. Guess I'll call her back..." Joker trailed off looking at the monitor. "Are you guys seeing this?"

Garrus looked at the monitors. Lazarus was just walking through a corridor, firing off the occasional shot. It didn't look like anything out of the ordinary until he realised she didn't actually have a target, she was just firing into empty space.

A geth stood three feet away from where she was firing, not moving, just watching her.

Joker opened up a new channel. "Uh, Laz–"

The room was suddenly filled with white noise. Garrus clamped his talons over his ears, Jack's food spilled across the floor as she did the same. It was awful, like a geth screaming. Joker fumbled with the controls, startled, until he managed to cut it off.

Garrus gingerly peeled his talons away, hoping that noise wasn't going to come back. He looked at Joker, who looked less than pleased by this turn of events.

"Fucking hell," Jack growled. "What was that?"

"I don't know. Thane, Kasumi, can you hear me?" Joker asked.

The channel blared static for a split second before Kasumi came in. " _We're working on it._ "

"What the hell happened down there?"

" _Not sure. Laz went a little crazy and we're locked in this room._ "

"Are you planning on fixing that?"

" _We're working on it. Relax, how much trouble can she get into out there? She speaks the local language._ "

Garrus wasn't so sure about that. Lazarus got along well enough with Legion, but whatever they were dealing with down there was something different. She was making her way through the station easily enough, the geth had stood down, but she wasn't out of the fire yet.

" _30.1_ ," she whispered, the audio feed coming through the console. " _30.1._ "

They had made it through the Collector base, made it out of Cerberus – sort of – and Garrus thought it would be just his luck if they lost Lazarus now to whatever was going on in her head. She was muttering to herself, standing stock still in the middle of one of the labs, reaching out to touch the empty air.

He should have gone with her. Thane and Kasumi were good at their jobs, but it was his job to handle Lazarus.

The three of them watched the monitors, watched her as she hunted some imaginary objective. She walked up to a door, then stopped and walked to one on the far side of the room, almost like she could see something they couldn't.

Garrus frowned. It was _exactly_ like she could see something they couldn't.

"Her optic implants," he said, figuring it out. "She's been hacked."

"Someone hacked Lazarus?" Jack said, a devilish grin spreading across her face, like she'd instantly come up with a dozen ways to make their lives miserable with this information.

"EDI?"

" _I will attempt to override the attack, Officer Vakarian._ "

He leaned forward, watching her run straight past another two geth, their flashlight heads swivelling to watch her as she ran. He didn't know what was controlling this place but it clearly wanted Lazarus to see something. And she was seeing it.

" _Oh, no,_ " Lazarus murmured. " _Joker. Joker can you hear me?_ "

"Still no live channel?" Garrus asked.

"Not to her, I can't get past this interference. Kasumi, Thane, you need to get out of there now."

" _We're through the door, which way did she go?_ "

Lazarus cracked a window with her elbow, another hit to shatter it and climbed through. She was running. Whatever she'd seen, she was making a break for it. " _Transmitting blind: I need a medical response team at my location._ "

"She took a left. EDI?" Joker asked.

"My attempts to reroute her visual feed remotely have been unsuccessful, Jeff. The system running this facility is more advanced than I am."

Miranda was technically the XO of the ship but Garrus knew when it was time to step in. "Jack, go get Grunt and Mordin, escort Dr. Chakwas to the shuttle and get ready to go groundside."

He half expected her to argue but she rolled off her chair, leaving her bowl behind, crushing the food beneath her boots. "Yeah, yeah."

Garrus went back to watching the screen, Lazarus was involved in some epic battle with invisible enemies on an elevator. She seemed to be winning. She was still carrying her damn Hangman, that thing caused no end of trouble.

"Jeff, the Overlord AI is attempting to access the _Normandy,_ " EDI said.

"What? Can you stop it?"

"I will attempt to defend against the attack, but please prepare for possible override."

"This day just keeps getting better."

" _Hold on,_ " Lazarus said. " _Hold on, I'm coming. I'll make it stop._ "

The feed was getting choppy, she was moving too fast and using her cloak, all they were getting was a slideshow of bright green light from the AI, white muzzle flash from her gun and electric blue overload pulses. She was at the bottom of some kind of structure, an armoured core that she was chipping away at slowly. Garrus had never seen anything like it, but it looked like she knew what was inside.

"Lazarus appears to be disrupting the signal from the source," EDI said.

"Well let's just hope she keeps it up."

The video feed flared so bright that Garrus had to shield his eyes. He looked down at the screen, Lazarus had stopped moving.

"Holy..." Joker breathed out. Both of them stared at the feed, silent. Joker opened up a channel. "Get that med team down there _now_."

It was a human. A human male, his arms pulled out to either side, tubes jammed down his throat. His eyes were prised open, some kind of metal harness digging into his neck and shoulders, more cords impaling his arms. Garrus could see the blood dripping from everywhere the machinery pierced his skin.

This was Cerberus' work. They did this. To a human.

" _Wait, Commander!_ "

Dr. Archer's voice came through the feed from Lazarus's suit. The camera was so still, it was like she had stopped breathing.

"Thane, Kasumi," Garrus tried for them.

" _We see her_ ," Thane replied, his footsteps pounding in the background.

The visuals whirled suddenly, blurring out of focus with the movement and Garrus heard metal connect to bone. He couldn't see what was going on, but he could hear the sound of armoured fists against the soft, unprotected flesh of a scientist. The screen went red, human blood splashing over the lenses.

Garrus couldn't do anything but stare in horror. He should have been down there. Lazarus was going to murder Dr. Archer with her bare hands.

He heard footsteps and the hard clang of armour against armour, the blood smeared across the lens by Thane's jacket as he tackled her. She cried out and struggled but they had her under control.

" _She's really strong,_ " Kasumi said, surprised, straining with the effort. " _Do we have any backup coming?_ "

"Team's already launched, they'll be there soon."

Lazarus stopped struggling, the feed going still. She sighed heavily.

"Thane, report," Garrus said.

He saw the drell stand up on the edge of the feed. " _Archer may survive if he is given immediate care. His brother... we can't safely separate him from this device._ "

"Mordin and Chakwas are on their way. Hold tight. Lazarus, can you hear me?"

Lazarus propped herself up against a console and Garrus got his first good look at what she'd done to Dr. Archer. He winced and heard Joker suck in a short breath. He might survive, but he wasn't going to be pretty.

" _I hear you,_ " Lazarus said.

"You okay, Lazarus?" Joker asked. "You with us?"

" _He's... he's..._ "

Crap, she was going into shock. He had never seen her lose it like that. Garrus wasn't sure if she was more upset by Archer junior or senior, but she wasn't in a good way. Joker apparently had the same thought.

"Don't look at him, focus on my voice. Just close your eyes."

" _Alright._ "

"Why don't you read me some more random literature? You love that."

Lazarus gave a strangled, exhausted laugh. " _I was only manipulating EDI._ "

"Yeah right, I know you're a secret Harry Potter fan. Come on, talk to me."

For a few minutes they didn't hear anything but Thane and Kasumi muttering in the background and Lazarus' deep, painful breaths. Then she opened up her omnitool and brought something up.

" _'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves_ _  
_ _Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:_ _  
_ _All mimsy were the borogoves,_ _  
_ _And the mome raths outgrabe._ "


	44. Duality

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 43**

**Duality**

* * *

_Three_

* * *

Kaidan had never been so turned on in his life.

God. That woman. That woman and her artillery.

Lazarus, Ivy, he barely cared. All he knew was that the second she demanded they stop the transport so that she could go toe to toe with a Reaper, he was done for. When she actually killed the damn thing and came strutting back to the shuttle like she did that every other weekend, he was pretty sure every drop of blood he had migrated south.

It had happened fast. A flash of panic when he realised what she was planning. Watching her turn into a silhouette on the grassy plain. Watching the destroyer bombed into the ground. Then on the open channel listening to her roar the quarians into submission in her best drill sergeant tone.

It was beautiful.

In the shuttle headed back to the _Normandy_ he wanted to say something. Anything. Tell her that she'd won his respect a dozen times over on that mission. That she was perfect from the moment they hit the ground and even better as each minute passed.

Hell, even a friendly 'nice work, Commander' would do the trick. But every time he tried it just sounded too awkward in his head, so he kept quiet.

After their latest argument he just didn't know how to talk to her, got tongue tied just thinking about it.

She was sitting there, leaning against the bulkhead, obviously exhausted but still serene. Daring anyone to make a fuss over what she'd just done. She hated fuss. EDI sat next to her. Black and silver, two implacable women. An outside observer would think he was the luckiest guy in the galaxy to be stuck in a shuttle with these two, but they each had their own special, cutting brand of the cold shoulder working for them.

This working situation was starting to become unprofessional. He'd had arguments with shipmates before and had to work around the awkwardness afterward. He'd had girlfriends, ex-girlfriends, and maybe-girlfriends that he'd had to put at the back of his mind when it came time to get down to business. But this time it seemed like everything he thought or said or did had this background track of white noise, thoughts of her scratching at his brain, especially when he didn't want them there.

The shuttle rattled around them as it began docking procedures.

Shepard shifted in her seat, stretching her legs out. Kaidan looked away. Hackett had offered him another position, maybe he should reconsider it. It had been bad enough on the first _Normandy_ when his brain worked overtime in all the wrong directions every time she was in the room, but back then the worst it could come to was a break in regs. Now it was just sick. Disrespectful to Ivy, cruel to Lazarus, and jeopardising his field performance.

EDI climbed out of the shuttle first, a loud clank ringing out as her feet hit the floor. Kaidan followed her.

This used to be so easy. Once he'd cracked through that outer shell Shepard was warm and eager. Whenever she did something sexy that he couldn't ignore he could just catch her alone and hold her tight until the feeling subsided enough to get on with his job.

"Hey, niñata!" Vega loped down the ramp to the shuttle just as Shepard was climbing out. "You trying to give me a heart attack?"

Kaidan stepped out of the way just as Vega scooped Shepard up in his arms and hugged her. She was completely enveloped in the larger man's embrace.

Kaidan watched the scene as she playfully pushed the lieutenant away.

"Get off me, Vega."

"That was incredible, Lola. You're gunna be telling that story to your grandkids."

A grin spread across her face. "Did you doubt me?"

"Well, maybe for a second. You know, about the time you went mano-a-mano with a destroyer. Ow!" He flinched back when Shepard punched him in the arm. "You pack a helluva punch for such a little thing."

"It's the middle of nightshift, shouldn't you be asleep?" They walked up toward the elevator. Kaidan hung back.

"Happy I stayed up for the show, ma'am," Vega said.

In the elevator Shepard held the door. "Coming, Major?"

"Yeah." He saw her tongue dart out to wet her lips.

He really didn't want to be in that small a space with her, but there wasn't a lot he could do about it, so he joined her and Vega in the elevator, ending up nearly brushing shoulders with her.

It would be so easy to get relief from this feeling. He saw the way she looked at him. Whenever her mask was off her eyes lingered on his hands and lips. He knew how she felt. He knew what she was thinking when she tilted her hips like she was doing now, when she twisted her fingers together and licked her lips.

All he had to do was let Vega get out at crew quarters and not follow him.

Shepard wouldn't object to him going up to her cabin with her. She'd made it only too clear that she'd leap at the chance. He could spend the night tangled in her sheets instead of restless in his own bunk.

He tried not to look at her, just inches away from him. He tried not to let the idea take root. It was wrong. Dishonest.

He could hear her breathing through parted lips, the creak of her gloves when she clenched her fist, could see the rise and fall of her breast in his peripheral vision. He swallowed thickly, too aware of their proximity. He couldn't think what to do with his hands, settling for leaving them hanging limp at his sides, over-aware of them.

The elevator stopped and the doors slid open.

Vega stepped out and after a split second's hesitation he followed.

"Good night, James. Major."

Her voice unmistakeably dipped when she addressed him. Kaidan looked over his shoulder and she half-smiled at him.

The doors shut.

Vega could not have looked more awkward when he shuffled off toward the crew quarters. Kaidan winced. Was he being that obvious? Was she? That thought momentarily cheered him up and he smiled. Yes. Yes she was being that obvious. She was always that obvious. That was one of the things that he... liked about her.

He headed for his locker and pulled out a fresh pair of sweats and a shirt to sleep in. He had to shower, he was still covered in dust and sweat and who knew what else from the mission. He wasn't tired, still wired on adrenaline, but skipping sleep wouldn't be a good idea.

In the men's lavatory he stripped out of his armour. He'd have to take it down to the armoury later, but first he felt like he needed to scrub himself clean – of the grime and more importantly of the thoughts he couldn't break out of.

He stepped under the shower and turned the water on, the hot stream instantly sapping some of the tension out of his shoulders.

He had to get out of here. In theory the _Normandy_ was the place where he could do the most good for the war effort, but in practise it wasn't working out that way. Sure he was going on missions, slowly working his way through mod requests and getting his Spectre duties done, but he could be doing better. Every person needed to be giving 110 percent and he just wasn't. Instead he was caught between wanting to fuck the doppelganger of the love of his life and feeling sorry for himself. That wasn't healthy.

He started to soap himself down and closed his eyes.

She would be doing the same thing up in her cabin. Naked, soapy, her hands guiding the water over her skin, maybe smiling to herself, reliving the day and her finest hour.

He should have been up there with her. If there was any fairness in the galaxy they would have been sharing a shower, where he could growl into her ear how sexy she was when she had a big gun and a chip on her shoulder.

He could almost taste her. He could remember every inch of her. The line of her neck when she pulled her hair over one shoulder to soak it under the water, the little twist of her ankle when she spread her feet for balance, the way she'd arch her back when it was sore, stretching to relieve the tension in the muscles.

He was used to her tormenting him, but before her death she had also been the relief from that ache. They had been professional but as soon as shore leave rolled around he knew he could count on her appearing in his room, barely dressed and not even bothering to disguise her intentions.

Kaidan leaned forward, bracing himself against the wall with one hand. There was no privacy on a frigate but the showers in the middle of nightshift were the closest thing to it. He wasn't made of stone.

He curled a hand around himself and tried to bring up memories of happier times. Ivy wrapped up in a sheet, a devilish smile on her face and a hand reached out toward him. The nights they lay in bed together, legs tangled, hands exploring. Kissing the white starburst on her shoulder where a bullet had broken her collarbone. The gasp in the back of her throat when he trailed his thumb up her ribs.

He focused on his breathing, trying to keep quiet as the heat in his groin grew. He remembered the first time she had gone down on him. She had no idea what she was doing. Enthusiastic but clumsy, experimenting with her tongue and lips. He thought she was going to kill him with wanting, her innocent teasing dragging him to the edge only to see him falling back when she just didn't know what to do. She had slowly, painstakingly drawn an earth-shaking orgasm out of him.

He could hear his own panting through the water that poured over him. It had been too long since he had any reprieve. He gripped himself harder, moving his hand faster.

The nights he missed most were when they had been face to face, her legs wrapped tight around his hips, trading kisses or breathless whispers. When he could look into her eyes and see nothing but love and happiness. Those nights when they had said so many things, skirting so close to those three words that he could almost see them formed in the negative space left behind.

_I'm in love with you._

Heat flared in his gut and he realised he wasn't hearing those words from Ivy. Somehow in his memory her eyes were symmetrical, the scar on her collarbone a long white line instead of a circle. He bit his lip to stifle a groan.

When he pictured her on her knees, her lips wrapped around him, he was thinking of Lazarus, her eyes bright and fierce, her hands sure, all confidence and attitude. He wanted her here, with him, wanted to be wrapped up in her, buried inside her, hearing her moan.

Kaidan moaned as he came, the muscles in his gut clenching, the relief so sudden and powerful that it left him dizzy.

He leaned against the wall, breathing hard.

God he'd needed that. His pulse started to slow down and he breathed a heavy sigh, feeling more in control of himself.

After a few minutes he straightened, feeling like all the strength had been sapped out of him. The physical strength, the emotional strength. He couldn't let this continue. If he had to make the hard decision then that's what he'd do.

He shut off the water and grabbed a towel to dry himself down.

He could take that biotics unit, he was sure Hackett's offer still stood. The asari councillor had asked them back to the Citadel, he could jump ship there and get in contact with high command. If he stayed here he was going to betray Earth with his negligence and betray Ivy with his thoughts.

With his mind made up he pulled on his sweats and grabbed his armour. He needed to get some sleep.


	45. Demonstrada

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 44**

**Demonstrada**

* * *

_Three_

* * *

The mod requests were nearly done. The stack of datapads had been whittled down from six hundred to just under twenty.

Kaidan watched Shepard chewing on the end of a straw, contemplating the pad in her hand. He was sitting on her sofa, trying to pretend to be comfortable and missing the mark. He still hadn't talked to her about his intention to transfer and she wasn't making it easy, clearly still on the tail end of her breakdown. She was drinking some kind of pink sludge, the medical packaging tossed aside on the table, getting mixed up with their files.

"I don't think Gungren needs sledgehammer," she said. "What do you think?"

She was in her full jumpsuit and mask, thankfully, it made it easier to look at her. He took the datapad from her, better able to interpret the data with practise. He'd looked over Mordin Solus' projections on the krogan state of arms, but if he was honest most of it sounded like gibberish.

"They have Reaper presence again, don't they?" he asked.

"Mostly harvesters and ravagers. Sledgehammer won't do much good against them, they'd be more likely to end up hurting themselves."

"Won't they bring along some of those batarian husks as well?"

"Mm," Shepard hummed non-committally.

"I need an answer."

She looked up and he thought he saw her raise an eyebrow under the mask. "What's the rush? Tuchanka hasn't reported significant casualties."

"I just want to get these done tonight. Put it behind me, you know." That was almost a lie and he felt bad for it. If he had been looking for the right time to bring up the fact that he was leaving, that was it.

"These decisions are important, we can't rush them," she said.

Kaidan was saved from answering by EDI. " _Shepard, I've returned a hit on your search protocol._ "

Shepard stilled, and when she spoke her voice was carefully neutral. "Who?"

" _Michael Sloane. Would you like a report?_ "

"I'll take a verbal report later. Thank you, EDI."

"What's that about?" Kaidan asked.

Shepard shrugged. "It's just a protocol I've set up to track friends and family. Lets me know when they pass through checkpoints, or if they're on casualty lists."

"Who's Michael Sloane?"

"That's personal."

He really wanted to let that slide. Technically he was supposed to be monitoring her activities, but he was certain that she was loyal to humanity now. Not that any amount of loyalty could rule out her occasional craziness. "I don't like this anymore than you do, but I need to know what you're doing."

"I told you what I'm doing."

"Lazarus..."

She scowled, really scowled, her mouth turned down and her teeth bared like his question caused her physical pain. "He's my father, alright?"

"Your father?"

"The Shadow Broker database included my genetic profile. It linked me to my parents."

He wasn't sure what to say to that. She was obviously taking this badly. He wasn't sure how he felt about this. "And... have you...?"

"I haven't made contact. I just want to know if he dies, if that's alright with the Alliance."

"What about your mother?"

She looked away. "Dead. Prostitute, drug addict, died when I was four."

She was reclaiming Ivy's past and he didn't know if he had any right to stop her. This was exactly what he needed to get away from. He screwed up his courage, trying to ignore the way she rubbed the crook of her elbow as if she was hurting. "This isn't working."

She looked at him through black lycra, assessing him. "You don't want me monitoring people?"

"No, no, that's not what I mean." He scrubbed a hand over his face. "I mean this. Me, being here, on the ship. It's not working."

He saw her throat bob when she swallowed, obviously measuring her words carefully. "What are you suggesting?"

"Hackett offered me that position with biotics. I think I should take it."

"You're..." She set the datapad down and looked away, shifting her legs nervously. "You're leaving."

He knew this was going to be difficult, but still he couldn't stop the lump forming in his throat. All he could see was Ivy, heartbroken. That was why he was leaving. "Let's face it, I'm not doing my best work on this ship and with the war I can't afford to do less than my best. I know you get that."

Ah, dammit. She was licking her lips, shuffling around in her seat. Uncomfortable, hurt. He didn't want this. He really didn't want the professional front she was about to put up.

"If that's what you feel you need," she said.

He sighed. "You know this is the right thing to do, right?"

"So you're leaving once we get to the Citadel? Tomorrow?"

"Yeah."

"Why are you doing this, Kaidan?"

He looked away. "I... I just can't be around you anymore. I know that's selfish and probably a little childish, but I tried and I've failed."

"You're the most self controlled person I've ever known. Are you saying this... saying _I'm_..." She sighed. "I don't understand."

"Come on, Shepard. You know this is just going to end in another fight." He felt the beginnings of a migraine start to swell behind his eyes. He hoped she'd just leave it there and let him go, but he didn't like his chances.

"Then let's fight. I'm the commanding officer of this ship, if you want off it then you owe me an explanation."

"Because..." He hissed out a breath between his teeth, wanting more than anything to not have this conversation. "Because right now you're acting calm and professional and all I can see is that you're hurt and you're angry. I don't know you, but I do know you. It's messing with my head every time I see you and I'd love to believe that it's because you're _her_ , but I don't believe that and I don't think anything could convince me."

Every day what he had left of Ivy was becoming a little bit more Lazarus. He'd sacrificed a lot for the Alliance and humanity, but he had limits.

"You're right. That's selfish."

"Thanks," he said dryly. The pain behind his eyes wasn't budging. He needed to get out.

"I mean it. Maybe you're right, maybe I'm not Shepard. Maybe I'm just a high tech VI plugged into her brain and all these memories, these feelings aren't my own. And if that's true you're leaving them in the hands of a newborn stranger so you don't have to deal with them."

"What do you want me to do? You've obviously decided they're yours, that her ship is yours, her family. I can't stop you but you can't ask me to watch."

"I don't have a choice in this."

"And I'm sorry for that, but I do."

Shepard stood up, staggering slightly. "If these thoughts don't belong to me, then by rights they should go to you."

He didn't like the sound of that. He climbed to his feet so that they were on even footing, but he felt like the tables were about to be turned horribly.

"I'd take them if I could," he said.

She folded her arms. "I regretted not saying goodbye. I regretted it from the second I realised I wasn't going to make the escape pod."

He felt the blood drain from his face and the pain in his head sharpened when he realised what she was going to do. "Please don't do this."

She ignored him. "I wanted to meet your parents. It scared me to death but I've never wanted anything so much. I was certain I'd screw it up and make a bad impression but I knew you wouldn't care. I once looked up Vancouver on the extranet, I never told you because you grew up living in a house with a family, went to school, and I was so embarrassed that I hadn't and I didn't know what it looked like.

"I was terrified that you would do the same thing and look up Moscow. I was always afraid that you'd find out how I lived, what I'd done to survive and you wouldn't want me anymore. I felt like such a fraud, pretending I was part of your world."

Kaidan felt his eyes burning and he swallowed a lump in this throat. He wanted to say something, to comfort her, to tell her that nothing could have changed how he felt, but he couldn't speak.

She rubbed her hands over her face and he saw her lips tremble. "You made me so damn happy I thought I was losing my mind. I wanted to marry you. I spent half my waking hours thinking of some way to get out of my contract so that we could be together. I never came up with anything. I just stopped thinking about it eventually because the thought of losing you was too much."

Her voice was dissolving into hiccups, her shoulders shaking. He couldn't see her eyes, but she was crying.

"I'm so proud of you," she whispered. "Of your promotions, and your biotics unit. I'm proud that you hate Cerberus, that you looked at me and saw what they had done wrong. No matter how much trouble it's causing now, everything you've done since my death only proves to me that loving you wasn't a mistake."

He wanted to stop hearing this, to block it out, but the effort only made his migraine worse. He knew soon he would have to be carted off to med bay if she kept this up.

"Please stop," he begged, his voice hoarse.

"It kept me up at night to think that you'd be ashamed of me. I never understood why you weren't. I had this nightmare that one day we were going to be reassigned and you'd say goodbye in that perfect, controlled way you say everything and I'd never know if you were just being stoic or if you really forgot me."

He could see the tracks of her tears through her mask and running down her chin, staining her skin red. Without even thinking he reached out with both arms and pulled her close. He cradled her head against his neck, feeling her tears trickle down his collarbone.

"Never happen," he murmured into her ear. "You understand? _Never._ "

He felt her hands ball into his shirt and she stilled in his arms, breathing heavily against his neck. He didn't want to know all this. That was supposed to be his only comfort, the finality of death, to believe that everything had been perfect and have no one be able to say otherwise. Holding her against his chest was as much for his comfort as it was for hers.

The pain in his head finally spiked and he had to pull back, clamping a hand over his eyes instinctively.

"Kaidan?" she asked. Her voice was like a knife in his head.

He staggered back, the pain swelling until his eyes watered, his gut twisting. He should have backed out sooner.

He felt strong hands on his shoulders, guiding him. She took him toward the bed and he didn't fight her, he couldn't. When she urged him down he collapsed onto the bed, curling in on himself. Even breathing hurt, shocks of pain running through him at the barest movement.

He heard the murmur of Shepard's voice, too low for him to make out, and the lights shut off, leaving just the backlighting on her fishtank. The bed dipped down beside him and he heard her shuffling, arranging herself.

Shepard urged him to straighten out and he groaned in protest, but she was insistent. It wasn't until his head was in her lap and he heard her take off her gloves that he realised what she was going to do. He felt like he was crumbling from the gratitude. He had no words, couldn't do anything but grip her knee tightly and hope she understood.

She kneaded her knuckles and against his temples gently and he let out a long sigh. It wasn't the magic bullet it had been the first time, but god it helped. The edge was taken off the pain, letting him begin to relax and work through it.

"Do you want me to call Dr. Chakwas?" she whispered.

"No," he managed to say. "Just keep... please..."

She found that amazing pressure point on his skull and the ache intensified for an excruciating moment before fading even further. He still felt sick, nauseous and dizzy, but it was alright, he'd make it through this one.

He closed his eyes and let Shepard lull him into a rhythm with her fingers, circles against his temples and long strokes through his hair. He found his breathing evening out and managed to relax back against her legs, his head resting on her crossed calves. He wanted to sleep, he needed to sleep.

She was so patient, silent, her hands working mechanically and with every minute he relaxed more. After a while he began to slip in and out of sleep. With each brief waking he would find her stroking his hair, the motion a comforting, grounding presence that he could feel even in sleep.

He wasn't sure when he drifted off entirely, but when he woke up he couldn't even remember going to sleep. The cabin was still dark but he couldn't feel Shepard's hands in his hair anymore, and he was cold like he had been lying above the covers for hours. The pain in his head was just a dull ache now.

He heard a strangled snorting sound from above him which made him look up, bemused.

Kaidan sat up at what he saw, needing to get a better look. Shepard had taken off her mask at some point and loosened the neck of her jumpsuit. She was fast asleep, still sitting cross-legged against the wall, her head lolled back, mouth hanging open, drooling. She let out a loud snore.

He couldn't stop the grin that spread across his face.

If he'd ever had any romantic ideas about Ivy sleeping peacefully she had destroyed them on that first night. He'd never seen anyone sleep less gracefully. Sure, there was the snoring and drooling, but also the talking, kicking, and stealing all the covers. She was terrible to sleep next to. He had never mentioned that to her.

"Nuh, not the cookies..." she slurred out in English, shifting in her sleep.

Kaidan stared at her, mesmerised. It felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room, he could hear his own shallow breath. He reached out and touched her face. She nuzzled against his palm and snored again. He felt laughter shake in his chest and tears burn at the corner of his eyes but bit his lip to keep quiet, not wanting to disturb her.

_She's home._

He didn't want to leave her yet.

He pulled down the covers on the bed, then wrapped an arm around her shoulders, urging her to shuffle down, his body working on autopilot.

"Mm?" she moaned, half-asleep.

"Come on, sweetheart. Time for bed."

She didn't seem aware of her surroundings, mindlessly following his direction. He had only meant to put her into bed, but as soon as her head was on the pillow she curled against his side.

"S'middle of the night, Kaidan. Go to sleep," she mumbled, still in English, sounding irritated that he'd woken her up.

As soon as she'd settled she was out like a light. He lay down beside her, letting her cuddle up against his chest in a long practised motion and start snoring again. He breathed in the familiar scent of her hair and closed his eyes. He couldn't wrap his head around this, not when he was sore and tired and still aching from his migraine. So instead he pulled the covers around their shoulders, held her close and let her little snuffles take him back to sleep.


	46. Repossession of Alliance Assets

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 45**

**Repossession of Alliance Assets**

* * *

_Two_

* * *

Lazarus hadn't heard the _Normandy_ so quiet since she had first boarded.

No one talked, people were barely breathing, the only sound people's bags slung over their shoulders and boxes clinking in their hands as they prepared to depart. Her entire crew gathered near the airlock, preparing to move fast.

"Taylor?" she asked.

Taylor walked up to her, datapad in hand. "All accounted for, ma'am. Though some of them want to stay."

"Negative."

"Aye aye, ma'am. We're ready for departure. There are transport ships at Omega heading all over, Miranda and I will make sure people get where they're going."

In the vids she had been watching with EDI this would be the point where she said a heartfelt farewell. She didn't much care for the idea. Her brain was still misfiring, her recovering memories and sparking limbic system manifesting in a series of physical ticks, in vertigo and mood swings. She couldn't protect these people anymore and she couldn't leave them with any profound last words.

Instead she walked past the crowd and into the cockpit where Joker and EDI were as silent as the rest.

"Begin docking procedures," she said.

"Aye aye, ma'am," said Joker.

She supposed everyone was repeating that phrase to give this procedure a feeling of formality. If it was a planned operation it stood less chance of going awry. She was still in control, they were still following orders.

Jack's few belongings were bundles in her arms. A datapad slipped, the clank as it hit the floor echoing down the hallway. It sounded as if no one was even breathing. The sound of the docking clamps connecting was loud despite being muffled by the hull.

_Logged: The commanding officer is ashore. XO Presley has the ship._

Lazarus shook her head, trying to shake off the memory. EDI didn't sound like that. Presley was not a member of her crew.

The hiss of the airlock pressurising sounded behind her and she turned to watch her people leave.

"Quickly and calmly, people," the Cerberus said, walking down the line. "Don't draw attention to yourselves, just get to your transfer in an orderly manner."

Lazarus met eyes with the Cerberus and the other woman nodded her goodbye. A lot of the people did the same as they stepped into the airlock. She may not have been the commander they expected, but she suspected that she had gained their respect in that capacity regardless.

Mordin paused, waiting longer than the others. He reached out and she took his hand.

"Not too late. Could come with us."

"The Alliance need to know what happened at Bahak."

"Hackett knows."

"He doesn't understand. None of them do. We've done what we can as an independent operation."

Mordin frowned. "Won't listen to you. See you as Cerberus."

"When the Reapers arrive, they'll listen. I need to be there."

He squeezed her hand one last time and moved off to join the others. She had always been committed but after Bahak there was no escape. If she tried to run the Alliance would hunt her so fiercely that even she wouldn't be able to avoid them and she would stand no chance of being in an advisory position when the war proper began.

The last of the people filtered out, making their way onto the Omega docks. She wasn't worried about them. Good people all, and more than capable of taking care of themselves while she was incarcerated. Garrus was worried about her, but he knew where they stood.

Lazarus turned to Joker, watching the console over his shoulder.

_Oh, we're stealing the_ Normandy _now?_

She staggered slightly, her body unconsciously moving into the position it had been in at that moment in time. She squeezed her eyes shut. Not real, it wasn't real. At least it wasn't present.

In truth she had been on a downward slide into disorienting memory for a while. She would be grateful for the peace that an Alliance prison would grant. The Shepard was in her head, spindling needles that prodded and twisted when she least expected.

"You could go with them, you know," she said to Joker.

"Not happening. I'm not leaving you and EDI."

"Thank you, Jeff," EDI said. "I appreciate the sentiment."

Together the three of them waited, EDI's glow lighting up the cockpit. Lazarus didn't know what to expect once she was in custody, but she was determined to face it without fear.

"They're gone," said Joker.

"Contact the Alliance."

He hit the comm button on the console. "Alliance frigate that has been tailing us, this is the _Normandy_. Come in, Alliance frigate. Yes, we see you there."

" _This is Alliance frigate_ SSV Troy. _We read you,_ Normandy."

"We are powering down non-essential systems. We are unarmed and preparing to surrender the ship."

" _Stand by,_ Normandy."

"Standing by."

Joker looked up at her. She shrugged. She hadn't expected the _Troy_ to put them on hold either. After a moment another voice contacted them.

"Normandy _, do you have Lazarus aboard?_ "

Lazarus recognised the voice. David Anderson.

_I'm asking you to make that decision._

She rubbed a hand over her mask although she couldn't reach her eyes. She was dizzy. "This is Lazarus," she said. "I am aboard and unarmed. I am officially requesting amnesty for my crew and protection from Cerberus."

" _Prepare to be boarded,_ Normandy."

The line went dead. Lazarus clapped Joker on the shoulder. "EDI, play VI."

"Understood, Lazarus."

She turned and made for the CIC. She wanted to see her galaxy map, to be far away from Joker in case things didn't work out as she had planned.

The Alliance took their time. She didn't know what they were doing but somehow she did. A standard black ops team. Twelve soldiers in black armour, no Alliance markings. All of them would come to secure the site. Nothing to indicate their affiliation to an outside observer. They'd be in formation, a wide vee, protecting Anderson.

_The breather mask was stuffy, quickly leaving her face overheated from her own breath, humid and sweaty._

They would be prepping their weapons as they made their way across the docks, standard issue assault rifles, no modifications. Enough firepower between the twelve of them to take down anything but not strong enough individually, light in her hands, no substitute for a good sniper rifle.

Lazarus found herself breathing a little too quickly.

"Fuck," she breathed, gripping the rail above the galaxy map tightly.

She heard the airlock pressurise again, they would spread out in a pre-planned grid pattern, secure all areas of the current deck, account for all present personnel before moving to lower decks.

_Go, go!_

"Go, go!" she heard the distorted voice of a soldier through his breather.

She couldn't... she didn't know where it was coming from. From herself, she was the leader of her squad. This operation was her responsibility.

Fan out, secure the area. Pilot captured, unarmed, secure. Medical transport required. Stay with him.

_Sector secured. Sector secured._

She was surrounded by the clatter of gloves against assault rifles, ceramic plates clicking against each other, heavy footsteps of combat boots against the ground. One soldier pulled to a halt at the far end of the CIC. "Sector secured."

She heard another stop somewhere behind her. "Sector secured."

Her heart was beating too fast, too hard, pounding in her ears.

She heard the sound of rifles priming, echoing in her memory just a few seconds before she heard it with her own ears.

"Show us your hands, Lazarus." It was David Anderson's voice.

She raised her shaking hands, spreading her arms out to her sides, just like he wanted, like she had seen a dozen men do, surrendering to her.

The barrel of a rifle was in her face when a pair of hands started to pat her down. She could see the frantic rise and fall of her own breast, she was hyperventilating, her brain wasn't working, she couldn't tell if she was taking a prisoner or becoming one.

Her heart was hammering in her chest. Wrong, this was all wrong, this team didn't belong on the _Normandy_. The muscles in her legs quivered. Panic. Hands were loosening her helmet, taking it off. Then her mask.

She felt the warmth of the console against her skin, heard the creak of Alliance standard issue gloves next to her ear, the same gloves she had worn for six years.

Her whole body felt wired, her heart, her constricting chest, her hair falling loose from its knot, her eyelashes fluttering against her cheek.

Shepard blinked and staggered back a step, distantly hearing half a dozen rifles levelled at her. She gasped for breath. She didn't know where she was, this was all wrong.

Her eyes were moving mechanically as she whipped around, trying to figure it out. An unfamiliar heart beat a furious tattoo in her chest. Her face, there was something wrong with her face, the pinched feeling of her scars was gone.

She groped desperately at her face, trying to feel the edges she knew should be there, but there were none. This was someone else's face.

There was no fighting the panic. She whirled around, realising she was surrounded by men in black armour. They were on high alert, guns trained on her. Half her armour was gone, she didn't have a gun. The heartbeat in her chest was driving her crazy, this wasn't her heart, wasn't her body. _She could hear the gears grinding._

She lashed out at the nearest man, all she needed to do was surprise him and she could make a break for it. But her fist shattered the plating of his shoulder, sent him toppling. When he hit the ground he let out a scream she'd never heard before, his arm sitting at a terrible, wrong angle, blood already pooling around him.

Surprised, she didn't take her chance and a second later there were hands closing around her wrists. She fought and struggled, she was so much stronger than she'd ever been, but there were so many of them and she couldn't breathe.

In horror and confusion, uncoordinated and unable to control herself, her hits were deflected, someone's knee was in her back, her arms were locked, forcing her to the ground. She felt the metal floor hit her exposed, unmarred cheek. She couldn't breathe.

Shepard took a last gasping breath and her vision tunnelled to black.


	47. About Last Night

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 46**

**About Last Night**

* * *

_Three_

* * *

Shepard hadn't realised how tired she was all the time until she woke up after a full night's rest, Kaidan's smell lingering in the bedsheets. She hadn't felt so good in months. Years.

He had been gone when she woke. She had been half convinced that she had dreamed it, but the bed was still warm and rumpled, she could still smell his soap and aftershave. She wasn't sure that she hadn't dreamed his voice, though, his use of her pet name, their private joke. But him, beside her, holding her, that had been real.

She had expected him to follow through with his plan to leave once they docked at the Citadel. It was clear that he was conflicted and she had no plans to raise her hopes, his last few breaks in habit hadn't resulted in any breakthrough. She anticipated coldness, the same alienation she had come to expect anytime he felt he was too close to seeing her as human.

She had steeled herself for his departure, attempted to reinforce her resolve to forget him. It was more difficult now that the memories were so fresh, not mixed up with Lazarus or the beacon, not stored fragments of her old life but created new by her, by them.

Her data was all mixed up. She had only so much allowance for personal issues in her time and her resources, and she had already well and truly exceeded her quota. She knew all the figures, her schedule, her conflicts, her responsibilities and the resources she had available for allocation, but no matter how she ran the numbers she couldn't make the pieces fit together. Something had to give and she knew it was her. She had to let go of Kaidan, of Mordin, Father Mills, Thane, Legion, Ash. If she didn't the galaxy would bleed for it.

She had been fighting that sinking feeling since the _Normandy_ docked at the Citadel, caught between terror that she was about to lose him forever and the determination not to let it compromise her.

So she talked with Councillor Irissa, picked up upgrades for her weapons, ran a few errands, tried to forget, tried to ignore it.

She didn't realise how tense she had become until her omnitool buzzed from an incoming message and she opened it up to see it was from him. Her heart leapt to her throat.

_I'm still in starboard obs if you've got some time._

_Kaidan._

She deliberately took her time back on the ship. She had to force these behaviours. The time for racing after him was gone, she had bigger things to worry about and she wouldn't let herself come undone over this.

It was difficult, but she knew it would become easier over time if she could school her own reactions. It was a matter of consistency, of readjusting her pavlovian responses.

So she took her time removing her outer armour, checking her weapons, consulting with the engineering staff and even speaking with Tali, which she had been procrastinating. She was certain all business for the day had been addressed and they were on their way to Thessia when she made her way to the starboard observation deck.

It was only to be expected, she reassured herself outside the door, that she would be nervous. That her heart would beat faster, she would want to ball her hands into fists and had to keep swallowing compulsively to loosen her tightening throat. This was the response she wanted gone, and she couldn't wish it away, it would take time.

She found him looking out the window, resting one forearm against the glass, watching the stars.

His shoulders tensed as she walked in, his head dropping forward slightly. He didn't look up. She moved to stand at the far end of the window, stargazing with him.

"You're still here," she said quietly.

"Yeah."

"What changed you mind?"

He was silent. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other, raised his head. After a long look out at the stars he finally spoke. "You still sleep like a two-year-old."

A bubble of laughter escaped from her mouth, loud and sharp in the quiet room. "I do not."

"Yeah you do. Only two-year-olds don't snore as loud as you." He was trying to keep a straight face, but failing. He look at her and frowned. "Can you take that off? Please."

Shepard wasn't sure what was going on, exactly, but she complied, removing her mask and gloves and placing them on the sofa. He seemed so fragile, watching her move. She wasn't accustomed to this. It was as if the air was full of spiderwebs, delicate threads that she didn't want to disturb with loud sounds or careless words.

"Tell me what's going on, Major."

Shepard looked over at him, meeting his eyes, suddenly afraid to speak, afraid to disturb the air around them. She felt her heart skip a beat. She measured each breath carefully, daring to hope that this time he wasn't going to back out.

He looked at her, face cast in white and blue, deep circles under his eyes and a sadness she had never seen in him before. She wanted to reach out and touch him but instead clenched her fist and waited silently.

"It's Kaidan," he said, hoarse. "You know it is. Just... can you tell me your name?"

Her heart broke for him. She recognised that look on his face now. He was at his limit, if she gave the wrong answer she would break him. He was pleading with her to know, to tell him that he hadn't misjudged this, that she was back.

She had spent months sifting through the fragmented memories she had been left, coming across things piece by piece, and she had never been so glad for her own perseverance.

"It's Ivy. Like the plant."

Their eyes met and held for an endless moment. She could feel static spring up under her skin, tingling down her spine and filling her lips with lightning. His eyes darted to her lips. She instinctively licked them.

In a whirl of motion, touching hands and desperate breaths, she was pressed up against the window, mouth against his and tongues seeking each other out. His hand was wrapped in her hair, fingers curling. She pulled him closer, pressing them together so that she could feel his heart pounding against her breast.

He had to lean down to kiss her properly, his body drawing back from her slightly. She whined in frustration, unable to get close enough. She felt his hands move, running down her body to cup her ass. She took the hint and slung her arm around his neck, letting him lift her up so that she could wrap her legs around his waist.

This, _this_ was what she had been waiting for. He pressed her back against the glass, she could feel the muscles in his arms tense as he supported her weight. It felt so good to kiss him again. He squeezed her ass, sending sparks shooting through her and she cried out against his mouth, her whole body suddenly alight.

There was no talk or thought of taking it slow. She didn't have the time, the patience. She clawed at his back, trying to snag his shirt between her fingers. He shifted, turning to settle her weight on his leg, his thigh between her legs, the pressure unbelievably good. He pressed upwards until she was propped against the wall and raised his arms, allowing her to tug his shirt over his head. For a moment she was breathless at the sight of him, he had become so fit that he dwarfed her, every muscle rigid and defined and on display for her to touch.

"EDI, privacy mode," she breathed, her eyes glued to his chest.

" _Privacy mode active, Shepard. Logging you out._ "

She pulled him back down to her with one hand, kissing him fiercely. She needed him inside her, she was frantic with the need, her only relief was in rolling her hips against his thigh, the barest pressure just enough to keep her focused.

He tugged at the zipper to her suit, dragging it down past her breasts until it became stuck.

"Belt," she mumbled against his lips. "There's a belt."

He fumbled with the belt in question, looking for the clasp. She reached down and unsnapped it for him, but he had apparently lost patience, slipping a hand inside the half open zip he squeezed her breast. With a cry she threw her head back, connecting hard with the glass. She barely noticed, his hands were on her, she couldn't have paid attention to anything else. They were so warm, coarse but gentle against her over-sensitive skin. With one hand he pulled her suit open and slipped it off one shoulder, then the other.

He pulled her off the window and as she settled her weight around his hips again she felt him hard against her. Another thrill shot through her, lighting her up all over again.

"Ivy," he rasped against her neck. "I need you."

She dropped her feet to the floor and they clumsily tugged and tore at each others' clothing, still kissing, his stubble scraping along her skin, leaving her tingling. His belt was giving her trouble, but every moment she spent with her fingertips in his waistband she heard his breathing grow more ragged. She finally unhooked the damn thing and undid his fly, stroking him through his pants as she did, hearing his breath catch and stutter in his throat.

Kaidan dropped to his knees in front of her to work her suit down her hips, his short fingernails scraping red trails into her skin as he did. Under his breath she swore she heard him murmur, "No underwear." She had forgotten how much he liked that.

His big hands felt like they were shocking her everywhere he touched, leaving her squirming and praying fervently that he would move those hands higher and use his fingers on her the way he used to. She felt like she would shake apart if she didn't get something soon.

When he had her suit down to her ankles she toed off her boots, hopping around awkwardly until he guided her hand to his shoulder to steady her. She let out a shaky laugh, her nerves strung to breaking point, and let him pull the jumpsuit off her feet one at a time.

He met her eyes, holding her gaze as he stood up. His eyes were so beautiful, she felt caught in them. She cupped his jaw in her hand when he kissed her, let him pull her close. With one hand she eased his pants and underwear down his hips, tugging inch by inch until she had them down around his thighs and he was free and hot and hard against her bare belly.

Ivy pushed him back with enough force to overbalance him onto the sofa. She didn't give him time to react, tumbling into his lap and settling herself comfortably in the crook of his body.

He gripped her hips, looking into her eyes, dazed, desperate. "Ivy, please."

She rose up on her knees and used one hand to guide him. She squeezed him gently, then moved her hand away and sunk down.

They both cried out and she opened her eyes to see his look of ecstasy. She had been so long without this that she'd forgotten how good he felt inside her. She eased all the way down, letting herself adjust as she went, listening to Kaidan's hiss of pleasure. Their bodies locked together and she moaned.

She let out a long breath, feeling the muscles in her legs quiver, the lightning begin to ball at the base of her spine. Kaidan's eyes were closed, his breathing coming in short puffs through parted lips, his fingers digging into her hips. She felt hot and full and frantic for more, complete with him in her body, so incredibly grateful that this was happening.

Taking hold of the back of the sofa for balance she started a steady mechanical rhythm, finding her centre and picking up the pace almost immediately. There would be time for slow and romantic later, now she had a sense of urgency that couldn't be denied.

Kaidan wasn't objecting, he tilted his hips so that she could take him deeper, then started rising to meet her as she fell into a fast pace. He was groaning deep in his throat and she knew he wouldn't last long. It was alright, neither would she.

"K-K-Kaidan," she gasped. "I... I..."

He leaned forward and kissed her, a sweet, deep kiss that made her head spin. "Ivy..."

"I l-l-l..." She let out a frustrated cry. _Breathe from the diaphragm._ "I love you."

"I love you," he groaned. "I love you, sweetheart."

In between breaths, in the perpetual motion of their bodies moving together, Ivy felt her heart start to piece itself back together. She leaned back, bracing herself with her hands against his knees, unable to take another minute without release. She cried out shamelessly, caught up in the feel of him, forgetting that she had ever cared about anything but this moment.

She felt a pressure against her skin, like a strong wind that was striking her from all directions. It was such a strange sensation, like the pressure building inside her was being met from the outside, crushing her without pain, holding her tight. She didn't understand what was happening until she looked down at Kaidan and saw that he was glowing faintly, a biotic aura building under his skin.

Ivy rode him mercilessly, her arousal flaring at his loss of control. He never let his biotics slip. It was against some unspoken rule but now he was and it was beautiful. He was holding on to her hips, his hands tightening in time with her movements, pulling her down harder, urging her on.

Kaidan trembled underneath her. His breath caught and his body went rigid, he came in a rush of warmth, light burning under his skin and with a brilliant flash fading away.

She felt a brief stab of disappointment that he had finished before her, but before it could last, while he was still panting and twitching, his hips rocking up toward her, he snaked a hand between them and pulled her against his chest with his other arm.

He touched her with his fingertips and she let out a whimper against his shoulder. Oh, god, those hands. Those magic hands. The pressure building was enormous, her legs were shaking. She ground down on his fingers, frantic, and he kissed her hair, stroking her back with his hand.

With one more flick of his thumb she shrieked against his shoulder, the spark she needed to set her alight going off low in her gut, the combustion consuming her whole body. She jerked against him, held tight, straining against his iron grip and wailing as the world shattered around her.

She stayed tense against him, breathing in jagged gasps until the aftershocks faded and she felt the stress flee her body.

They lay against each other in the dark room, the only sound their sharp, shallow breaths. Ivy clung to him desperately, her arms wrapped around his neck, cradling his face against her. This was safety, this was warmth. This was love.

It had been ethereal before, something always in her peripheral vision. Then something foreign, incomprehensible. And then filled with so much vitriol and hostility that it had been unrecognisable. She had needed this and it just hadn't been there. An itch she couldn't scratch.

As their breathing slowed and evened out she felt his big shoulders shake. A thread of wetness trickled down her neck to rest in the hollow of her throat.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered.

She held him tighter, squeezing her eyes shut and not bothering to fight the tears. She wished that she could erase the last few months, go back and start again, give him a new chance to react to everything.

She sobbed into his hair and was met with the sound of his own grief. It was the first time she had ever seen his tears. They gave each other comfort, and took it, stroking hands and tightening fingers, clinging so feverishly because they couldn't ever be separated again.

"Kaidan," she whispered. "I..."

He looked up at her, eyes red and face wet. His chest was still shaking, his lips trembling, but he reached up to stroke her hair, to calm her even when he wasn't calm.

She wanted to tell him how scared she was when she realised that Cerberus had been inside her. To show him how the Alliance had cut her. Introduce him to Mordin the way a proud daughter would show off her father. Show him how easily she had taken everything Cerberus had given her and made it her own. Marvel over EDI's technology with him. She wanted to go back to the day the Reapers hit and see him again for the first time in three years. She wanted that moment back, to fill it with something other than fear, hurt and humiliation.

She wanted to put it all into words, but all that came out was a childish whimper. "They hurt me, Kaidan."

His mouth contorted, he closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to keep it together. Then he looked at her again, holding her gaze. "I lost you, Ivy."

At his confession she lost what little control she had, pulling him back to her and sobbing violently. Her heart didn't want to beat anymore, too bruised by what she had lost and gained. Her sobs turned to cries muffled against his skin and were only worsened by the feeling of him crying just as hard into her hair, his arms a vice around her ribs.

She cried until her chest hurt, until she was exhausted and her throat was sore. She nearly cried herself to sleep in his arms. Eventually they were both too spent to do anything but lie together, sniffling quietly in each others' arms.

Ivy raised her head with considerable effort and looked at him. She ran her fingertips through the silver in his hair. "Come back to my cabin. I want to hear about every second of the last three years."

He smiled, tired but genuine. "So do I."

She peeled herself off him, moaning in protest. Her joints felt like they had been locked in that position, objecting to her movement. Vertigo hit her when she bent down for her jumpsuit and she stumbled, barely managing to right herself.

They dressed in silence, she guessed he was as breathless and tired as she felt. When they were both nearly back to presentable he hung back.

"I'll meet you up there in a bit, sweetheart."

She shook her head. "No."

"No?"

"I don't care about regs." She extended her hand toward him. "No more hiding."

He hesitated for a moment, then reached out and threaded his fingers through hers. He pulled her closer and pressed a chaste kiss to her lips. "Let's do this."

"EDI, unlock the door, please."

" _Privacy mode disengaged. I'm pleased to see you still aboard the Normandy, Major Alenko._ "

He grinned, radiant. "Thanks, EDI."

His smile didn't fade and Ivy found that she was smiling, too. Beaming. It was just starting to sink in that he was back, really back.

She squeezed his hand in her own, met his eyes, then together they walked out into the hallway.


	48. Domesticity, Again

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 47**

**Domesticity, Again**

* * *

_Three_

* * *

The middle of the night used to be their time. It was clandestine, sneaking around on her own ship, avoiding the night crew. Drinking coffee in the mess, making out under the MAKO, whispering to each other in the engine room.

Shepard couldn't stop smiling. So much of her had thought she would never have that again, but here they were.

"The secret is paprika," Kaidan told her seriously, stirring the pan on the heat pad. She smiled and nodded, pretending she was taking it in. Cooking had never been one of her talents. In fact she could count on fingers and toes the number of meals she'd had in her lifetime that weren't rehydrated, including takeaway on the Citadel. She wouldn't have known where to begin with real ingredients. Kaidan knew.

She sat on the benchtop beside him, watching him work. The mess was deserted, just the way she liked it. The both of them must have looked a strange picture, in their sweats, bare feet and wet hair. Stupid grins on their faces.

In truth they hadn't talked back in her cabin. She still wanted to know the minutiae of his life after her death, but other things seemed so much more pressing. Like being close, and naked, even if it was only to hold each other. Not that it had been entirely innocent. She was walking with a limp. The thought made her face heat up.

She rubbed the side of his knee with her foot, the need to be close was intense in the wake of their emotional catharsis. She was sore and tired, but the idea of not touching him, even for a moment, was unthinkable. She still felt close to him, thoroughly kissed and touched and fucked. She licked her lips, thinking of how he must feel so soon after she had kissed every inch of his skin.

Kaidan looked up at her and his smile turned sly. "What're you thinking about?"

"Nothing."

He shook his head and grinned. This seemed important to him, this ritual. The first _Normandy_ didn't have a kitchen to speak of, neither did their officers quarters. But now that they had one he seemed to like the idea of getting food once they'd tired themselves out. She liked it, too. His cooking smelled incredible and she was hungry.

"Here, try this." He held up a spoonful of the eggs from the pan, cupping one hand underneath it. She leaned over and took a bite.

"Mm," she moaned, closing her eyes. It was so good, buttery and spicy. She'd never tasted anything like it. She spoke with her mouth full. "S'good."

"Mom's recipe." His smile lit up the room. He was so incredibly handsome, his hair still mussed, his jaw unshaven, the grey in his hair highlighted by the fluorescent lights of the mess. She loved every day that he had aged in her absence. She leaned over and kissed him, her lips still smeared with butter. She felt his grin against her lips.

Kaidan turned off the heat and retrieved two forks, apparently deciding that plates were unnecessary.

"You've made too much," she said. He had piled the pan so high with food that she was surprised the heat had penetrated.

"That? That's just enough."

"You couldn't eat all this." She dug in with her fork, starving. It was so good.

"Biotic metabolism," he said, then took a bite.

Shepard kept eating, she couldn't ever remember being so hungry. Eating protein bars wasn't enjoyable, it was functional. Greasy pizza or asari-style ramen were alright, but strong. This was amazing.

She hadn't made the connection between the biotic need to consume additional calories and Kaidan's appetite. She frowned, the fork still poking out from between her lips. She had eaten with him plenty of times, brought him food. Had he gone hungry every time?

"You didn't tell me."

"What's that?"

"That you get hungry."

It was embarrassing to realise that she'd let him down in such a basic manner. She sucked on her fork, not meeting his eyes.

"Hey, hey." He stepped between her legs, resting a hand on her thigh. "It's okay. We made some mistakes. Some that... that we'll be making up for a while. But we have a chance to do things right. I think we've both had some growing up to do."

An understatement. She felt like she'd aged twenty years since she first set foot on the _Normandy_. She wasn't a child playing at war anymore. Now she was living it.

But not just war. There was so much more that had come from the last few years. Friendship, camaraderie, self-confidence, bravery, love. Kaidan was right, they didn't have to repeat the mistakes of the past. He had gone through hell and back for her, under no illusions about her personality, her past, her mistakes. He had defended that imperfect memory, accepted no substitutes.

She looked down at the pan. "I've never eaten eggs before."

He raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Never. I've... I've never..." She wasn't sure exactly what she was trying to say. "I've definitely eaten food before."

She had meant that as the start of a greater explanation, but when she paused too long he laughed. She wanted to get indignant with him for interrupting her, but seeing him smile again – really smile – was so good that she couldn't. She was so sore, tender, in so many different ways, and it hurt to know how much she'd missed. She needed his laughter.

"I'm glad to hear it," he said, holding a forkful of the food to her lips.

She accepted it and tried not to laugh while chewing. This was a good kind of pain, a healing pain, like medigel on an open wound. He was hurting, as well, she could see it in the way he occasionally wouldn't meet her eye, hear it in his voice. He felt guilty. She didn't like that.

"I love you," she said.

"I love you, too." He gave her a peck on the lips and kept eating.

That was new, and beautiful. After everything that had happened she hadn't realised how new this would be. New food, new conversations, new ways to be together.

She had known that she was holding back with him when they were first together, but she hadn't assessed a lot of her personal life as relevant to their relationship. He didn't need to know her dietary habits or her history. This concept of trust, openness, sharing simply because it brought them closer, was unfamiliar but pleasant. The psychologists had always been so serious about her past, she liked that she could laugh with him.

"So what did you eat before the Alliance started giving you their delicious pre-packs?" he asked between bites.

"I, uh..." There was no need to be ashamed. "Mostly the econosus packs. You know, the ones..."

"...that taste like cardboard," he finished for her. "Flaky cardboard. Yeah, I had a few of those on deployment."

"Stores don't get a lot of stock in Moscow."

"I guess those pre-packs tasted pretty good by comparison."

"Mm. This is better."

"I'd hope so." He hadn't been kidding, he could really eat. She found herself dueling with him to get at the food. He laughed into her hair and kissed her neck, distracting her just long enough to steal the best bit. She couldn't bring herself to care.

"So what about Vancouver?" she asked. No more ignoring him. No more making him hide things.

"What about it?"

"Do you get much food there?" She asked the question innocently but knew she had misjudged when his smile dimmed a few degrees. "I've said the wrong thing."

He put his fork down and wrapped both his hands around her waist. She looked into his eyes, a little startled, waiting to see where he was going with this. He looked at her so earnestly, so determined and strong.

"You haven't said anything wrong." He leaned forward and kissed her, surprisingly forcefully. She automatically threaded a hand through his hair, keeping him close. When he pulled back he spoke softly, as if they were sharing some secret. "When this is all over, when we've rebuilt, I'm going to take you there. You're going to meet my parents. We'll go to the beach. And I'm going to buy you the biggest ice cream that they'll sell me."

She grinned and touched her nose to his. "I don't know what that is."

"It's something you're going to love. You're going to gain forty pounds by the time we leave again."

"Are you really going to take me to see your parents?"

"Yeah. We'll go to their place on English Bay. You can listen to my dad's war stories, he likes to tell them to someone who hasn't heard them a hundred times. Mom will try to get you to talk politics," he laughed shortly. "Alright, mom will just talk politics at you. She's a great cook, though. She'll make up thirty of those forty pounds."

She snickered, leaning her forehead against his. "I wish you had been able to meet Mordin."

She didn't have the same family to show him back, to introduce him to and radiate pride all over. But Mordin would have liked Kaidan, she was sure of it. Would have liked his intelligence, his straightforwardness and integrity.

"He really meant a lot to you, didn't he?"

"Yes." The ache that he had left was still there, but having another person in her life to support her made it easier to bear. "He protected me. He was my guardian."

"I owe a lot of people for taking care of you. I owe them everything, Ivy. I'm..."

She kissed him to shut him up, short and sweet. "Thank you for not forgetting me, for not wanting me to change."

He rested his head on her shoulder and hugged her closer. This was some unspoken agreement between them, that when they talked about this they wouldn't look at each other and wouldn't let go for a second. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, getting as close as she could.

"I should buy Joker a fruit basket."

She gave a whimpering giggle into his neck. "I'm glad you two are still friends. I worried. I thought you might blame him."

"No. No, I didn't blame him. I blamed Garrus."

"Garrus?"

"Yeah."

It took her a moment to realise why he would feel Garrus was at fault. "He had Hello Bear."

"That's pretty stupid, right? I know that one pistol couldn't have made the difference. It's not like the Collectors wouldn't have attacked, or you could have fought them off if you'd had him. It's just that every day before that you were alive."

He was holding her tightly, she could feel his eyes squeezed closed against her shoulder. She rubbed his back, trying to offer what comfort she could. "It's fairly stupid."

"You always know just what to say."

That was probably sarcastic, she decided, but it didn't seem to matter, he kissed her anyway. It felt good to be held so close and kissed so purposefully. She traced circles into the nape of his neck, smiling against his mouth and feeling him smile with her.

She was home. Of course there was blame thrown around over the past few years, of course there was pain at what she had lost, but for the first time since she woke up she had hope. Her heart felt full to bursting with it. No matter how this war ended she knew that she was capable of love and being loved. She wouldn't be forgotten or replaced.

" _Major!_ "

Kaidan sprang back from her, hand caught in the cookie jar. Dr. Chakwas was just coming out of the infirmary and appeared to be working up quite a righteous indignation, her eyebrow raised so high it disappeared under her fringe.

"Uh, evening, Doctor," Kaidan said.

"Don't you 'evening' me, young man. What would the commander say if... if..." The doctor trailed off as she got a closer look at Ivy.

Ivy leaned sidewards, looking past Kaidan, and smiled. She was blushing from being caught but nothing could have killed the smile on her face. "Evening, Doctor."

"Oh," Dr. Chakwas breathed. A warm smile spread across her face. "Oh, now there's a face I haven't seen in a while. How are you tonight, Commander?"

"Much better, thank you."

Kaidan stepped aside, moving to rest against the bench beside her. Somehow their hands found each other and she threaded her fingers through his. Dr. Chakwas glanced at their hands, their bare toes, their matching stupid grins and hid her own smile.

"On second thought I don't need any coffee. Goodnight, Commander, Major."

"Night," Kaidan said. Ivy leaned her forehead against his shoulder and laughed when they heard the infirmary door close. He let out a huff. "Yeah, you laugh, I thought she was going to cut me off for a second there."

"Mm," she hummed into his hair, then ran a hand through it. "Are you still hurting?"

"Not right now. The last few weeks haven't been smooth sailing." He kissed her knuckles and looked up at her, questioning. "For either of us, apparently."

She knew what he was asking. "It's just stress."

"You're not eating? Not sleeping?"

He must have seen the protein shakes that she had been drinking to stay conscious. "I'm eating now. And I'll sleep tonight."

To prove her point she retrieved her fork and attacked the rest of the eggs in the pan. She saw a flash of competitiveness on Kaidan's face and he grabbed his own fork, scrambling with her to get at the last few bites. It was silly, but she knew it would make him laugh so she stuffed her mouth as full as she could, depriving him of the rest and looking at him with puffed up cheeks, unable to actually chew or swallow.

She was right, he did laugh, showing all his teeth and looking gorgeous.

There was one factor for which she hadn't accounted, however. It turned out that a sprinkle of this 'paprika' on a small mouthful of food was nicely spicy, but packing her mouth full with it may have been a mistake. It _burned_.

Ivy squealed in the back of her throat, trying to swallow the mouthful whole. She fanned herself with one hand. Kaidan was already filling a glass of water from the faucet, still laughing.

She managed to work the mouthful down and let out a gasping breath.

"Learned your lesson?" Kaidan asked, handing her the glass.

She downed the whole glass in one long swallow. That was unexpected. She breathed heavily, trying to air out her mouth. "Yes."

He hugged her again, despite the fact that she was still cooling off her tongue, and she wrapped her legs around his hips, leaning on his shoulder. She made a face at him, making his smug grin broader. He was teasing her.

"One day you won't know things," she said. "Then I'll laugh."

"You just described my first three months as your subordinate."

"I never laughed."

"You did sometimes."

"Maybe," she conceded. The look he used to get when she started working mod algorithms had been cute.

"Maybe," he agreed, leaning forward to kiss her. She parted her lips for him, letting him take the kiss further. His tongue soothed some of the leftover fire in her mouth. She had thought she might have worn herself out since the afternoon, but the static started to build under her skin again and she moaned low in her throat. She had missed him so desperately.

"Bed," she mumbled against his lips. "Back to bed."

"Hang on, just..." He let her go, much to her dismay. It took her a dazed moment to realise that he was putting their dishes in the dishwasher. Something about it was so domestic, so sweet that it made her heart squeeze in her chest.

He hurriedly pushed the dishwasher door shut and came back to her, turning to face away from her and grabbing a hold of her legs, giving her just enough time to wrap her arms around his neck and let him carry her on his back.

Ivy grinned and nuzzled his ear, gently biting down on his earlobe. "Let's go to bed."


	49. Special Requisitions

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 48**

**Special Requisitions**

* * *

_Three_

* * *

_Spectre status recognised. Welcome, Spectres [Shepard] and [Alenko]._

Kaidan hadn't had much time to get acquainted with the Spectre outpost on the Citadel. The consoles there were difficult to navigate. Unless, of course, the Spectre in question was a tech savant.

"It's simple," Shepard assured him unconvincingly. She thought that everything was simple.

She smiled at him, sweet and open, as they entered the offices. He felt an involuntary smile spread across his face. She was bursting with pride to show him the Spectre office, outside the public eye she couldn't be happier, all smiles and warm hands. He wasn't used to it, she used to be thrown off balance by displays of affection outside their bedroom. He wasn't going to complain though.

An asari was already standing at the terminals. She looked up, letting Kaidan see the elaborate tattoos all over her face.

"You can't bring your bondmate in here, Shepard," the asari said, raising one eyebrow derisively.

"Vasir," Shepard said with a nod. "This is Major Alenko, the newest Spectre."

"Saw the ceremony." Vasir eyed him up and down, unimpressed. "I'm sure your promotion had nothing to do with who you're screwing."

Charming. Kaidan didn't think it was worth starting a fight over but he was sure there was a story behind this.

"How is the outer sector holding up?" Shepard asked.

"Better than Thessia. Nice work there."

Shepard scowled. "There's an incoming incursion on your sector. I'll send the reports to the _Interceptor_."

She nodded toward the door to the firing range and Kaidan took the hint. He led the way there, leaving Vasir to her work. As soon as the door closed behind them Shepard shook her head and let out an exasperated sigh.

"Friend of yours?" Kaidan asked.

Ivy crossed her arms, her shoulders hunched. "I shot off her arm one time."

He paused. "Okay. Uh, why?"

"We had a personal dispute. She decided to involve civilians."

He looked through the window to where Vasir was working at the console. That was a high quality prosthesis, he never would have known it wasn't real. Actually he couldn't tell which arm was the fake. "I didn't know personal disputes were kosher with Spectres. At least not involving civilians."

"It was over sponsors. She backed the old Shadow Broker, I backed the new one. A disagreement was inevitable."

"Sponsors?"

Ivy played with the console, bringing targets swinging into the field. "Most Spectres have one. If their home government doesn't supply them then an NGO can be approached for addition resources."

"Including the Shadow Broker?" Kaidan asked. He remembered Executor Pallin saying that the Spectres were less the right hand of the Council and more the underhanded side.

"Anyone."

_Spectre status recognised. Welcome, Spectre [Bau]._

The loudspeaker made the announcement to the small room. Vasir was on her way out, but Ivy seemed interested in whatever she was doing with the targets, she looked like she'd forgotten they were avoiding someone.

"I guess these additional resources don't come free."

She shrugged. "Favours, mostly. Information is hard to turn down."

He could imagine that. He wasn't sure he was comfortable with it, but he could see what she was getting at. At least for the moment he had the full support of the Alliance. It was probably harder for other species, the Alliance only had to support two Spectres instead of dozens.

The door behind him slid open and he turned to see a salarian in light combat armour smiling at Ivy.

"Hello, Jondam."

"Shepard. I was sorry to hear about Thessia."

"We'll set it right. Cerberus can't hide."

"I see you're breaking in the rookie." Spectre Bau looked at him. "Jondam Bau, pleased to meet you. I heard about your work during Saren's defection, very impressive."

"Thanks. Shepard deserves most of the credit, though."

"They don't promote Spectres for someone else's work," Jondam said.

Shepard picked a gun out of the rack, the standard model mantis she used on missions. She loaded it with one of the mass-produced lotus mods. "Who sponsors you, Jondam?"

"Half STG, half Conatix."

"Conatix? I thought you specialised in asset retrieval."

"And prevention. Corporate espionage is a problem for them."

"Mm."

Kaidan frowned. "Weren't half the board indicted last year?"

Jondam shot a look at Shepard and he realised this was something he was going to have to learn. He wasn't part of the club yet. Shepard wouldn't meet his eye. He wondered if she was ashamed of what she'd done as a Spectre, what she'd had to do. Maybe he would be too, after a while.

"If you want to investigate Conatix I won't stop you," the salarian said. "But as long as they're helping me keep council space safe I'm not going to start that investigation. If you're looking for a spotless sponsor you'll be looking for a long time."

Alright, so he'd learned not to question Spectres about their sponsors. Ivy was staring blankly at some spot over his shoulder. He wanted to reassure her that he didn't judge her for what she'd done, for Cerberus or her time as Lazarus, but there wasn't much he could do with another Spectre in the room and still keep their professional integrity intact.

"Guess it can wait 'til after the war," Kaidan said dryly.

Bau gave a wry laugh, looking at Ivy. He raised his brow. "That's the gun you're using?"

"Yes."

"Enjoy the challenge, do you?"

She took aim at the target she had pulled up and fired. The armour and shield readings died, a small hole through the forehead of the figure. "Mods."

Bau gave a low whistle. "I heard about the lotus rounds, but I hadn't seen them in action. You developed those?"

"With Alenko."

Bau shot him a wry look. "Let me guess, she deserves most of the credit?"

Kaidan hadn't been sure if he liked Bau or not, but he found that he was smiling despite himself. "I'm a shield specialist."

"Shields and demolitions, I can see why they paired you two. Just promise me the _Dagnes_ is safe."

"As long as you stay away from Alliance AA guns," Ivy said.

"On the mounted guns, too? I'd like to see what those could do on the Widow."

Ivy looked at him and half a smile quirked on her lips. She removed the chip, collapsed the Mantis and replaced it on its rack. The top-of-the-line sniper rifles were untouched, still polished to a high shine next to the dozens of well-used assault rifles and shotguns. There was no database of Spectres but Kaidan guessed if there were any other snipers they weren't playing with the toys in the armoury. Snipers liked their own gun. He didn't know what had happened to Ivy's Widow when the _Normandy_ was retrieved.

From the looks of it she missed it. There was a Black Widow on the rack and when she picked it up he knew it was love. She only touched two things in the world like that: him and Hello Bear. But she was practically caressing it as she lifted it with obvious effort from the shelf, cradling it like a baby.

"Weighing in at 39 kilograms, the Widow Anti-Materiel Rifle is primarily used by sniper teams in assault missions against armoured vehicles or krogan. While kinetic barriers offer effective protection on vehicles, the kind generated by conventional military field generators are far too weak against the Widow."

Kaidan raised an eyebrow. He was fairly sure she was quoting straight out of the brochure.

"The Alliance wanted to reduce the reload time of the original Widow rifle, without sacrificing its stopping power. The solution was to increase the number of shots the gun could fire before it needed a fresh thermal clip." Ivy loaded the lotus chip into the butt and extended the gun. It was damn near as tall as she was. Oh yeah, she was in love with that gun. "It is the very finest sniper rifle available. Give me a target."

Kaidan set up the next target, keeping it at the far end of the range. This was the one console in this place he knew how to work. He doubled up on shields and armour, she'd like it better that way.

The target swung into view and Ivy took aim. Kaidan took a step back. He'd seen the recoil on those guns.

With one shot the target's 'head' was just a burning hole.

He set up three more targets. He had a feeling they'd be here for a while. She really needed to get one of those guns.

"How's Sur'Kesh holding up?" he asked while Ivy filled the targets with holes.

"It could be worse," Bau said. "Reaper weapons are ineffective underwater, so most of our population has gone below. We should be able to hold out until the line is broken at Earth. I was sorry to hear about your home planet. Family there?"

Kaidan frowned. "Yeah, my parents."

His father was MIA. As good as dead. No word on his mother.

"I'm sorry."

"Thanks."

They'd save his mom. He was sure of it. She was a survivor and she'd hold out until they got there. He'd mourn his dad when there was time. Until then he was going to take any bit of happiness he could get while he still had the chance and do everything he could to get back to Earth. He had to believe in their chances, and he did. If anyone could pull this off it was Shepard. They'd take back Earth and he'd take her to Vancouver. That was just how it was going to be. Maybe she'd even find her father.

Ivy gave the gun one last look, then collapsed it and replaced it on the rack. The targets lay in ruins at the far end of the range. Kaidan didn't think that they were actually supposed to give them that much hell, but whoever maintained this place must be used to trigger-happy people.

She held out the lotus chip to Bau. "Take it. I'll get the mod released to Spectre requisitions."

"Much appreciated, Shepard."

"Come on, Kaidan, I'll walk you through the terminals."

He nodded to Bau and followed her out. That lotus chip would keep him busy for a while and Ivy had mentioned a video conference they needed to have.

She made her way to the main consoles, glancing back over her shoulder at the weapons rack in a way that was almost mournful.

"Why don't you have one of those?" he asked.

"Supplies are spotty and I'm broke," she said ruefully.

_The money._ He'd completely forgotten about it, hadn't even thought. "Ah, sorry, sweetheart. That's my fault. I forgot that I still have your money."

"My money?"

"Yeah, your savings from before you... I inherited everything."

"Oh." She gave a short laugh. "Don't worry about it. The banks won't be open to large transactions right now. Look here."

She opened up the interface onto the large screens in front of them, dozens of individual filtering tools and open GUI windows. He guessed this was the standard asari OS but he'd never worked with it before.

"Yeah, I'm looking."

"Then you just select sector... field... discipline... jurisdiction... authority... and here are our possible mission parameters."

She worked too fast for him, bringing up their orders in just a few seconds. He'd have to get EDI to give him a crash course in this. He shook his head. No, no, he had to stop doing that. He couldn't protect Ivy from every mistake she made. Putting her on a pedestal had been his big mistake, and he'd learned the hard way not to make it again.

He reached out and took her hand, stilling it. "A little slower."

"Sorry." She brought up the initial screen again and walked him through each filter in turn, slow enough that he could actually see what she was doing. He moved to stand behind her, hand still on hers, close enough to smell her hair even through her mask but far enough to keep things professional. She had to look up at him over her shoulder to flash her smile when she finished.

"Alright, I got it that time."

A light on the screen flashed, showing an incoming call. Shepard looked up and touched a few buttons, keeping it slow.

The holographic projector beside them built the image of a person. Shepard stiffened and he instinctively tightened his hold on her hand.

Miranda Lawson crossed her arms, clearly surprised that he was there as well. Ivy wasn't easy to faze, at least not in this sense. Around liaisons, allies or enemies she was the same, she just got business done. So the tension in her shoulders, the way she clenched her jaw told him that she hated this woman.

He knew enough about Lawson not to be impressed, but he also owed her more than he could repay. She'd brought Ivy back to him and for that he was grateful, regardless of her methods..

"Commander Shepard, Major Alenko," Lawson said. She looked between them and a smile tugged at the corner of her mouth.

Kaidan stepped back, putting some more distance between himself and Ivy. Debt or not, he didn't want Lawson anywhere near his personal matters.

"Lawson," Ivy said.

"It's good to see you're still alive. I heard about the attempted coup."

"Do you have information?"

Lawson shook her head. "I learned what happened to my sister."

"Where is she?"

"I don't know that yet. But my father was definitely responsible."

Ivy's face darkened. There was history there. "We're attempting to track..."

"Kai Leng," Kaidan supplied quietly.

"Kai Leng." Ivy didn't miss a beat. "Contact me when you have a location."

Lawson raised an eyebrow. "Kai Leng? That slippery bastard's still alive?"

"Yes."

"I heard a rumour, maybe more, that my father is working on something for the Illusive Man. We might have a common goal."

"We'll make Oriana's safe extraction a priority."

Lawson looked down. "Thank you, Shepard. I'll be working my own angle on this, but it helps knowing the _Normandy_ is on my side."

"Contact me when you have more information."

"I will. Thank you again, Commander. Major."

Lawson turned and walked away, her image dissolving as she stepped off the holographic pad.

Ivy relaxed a little, taking a step back toward him. He checked over his shoulder, Bau was still playing with his new toy, filling the armoured and shielded targets with holes. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pressed a kiss to her temple. "You alright?"

"I really don't like her."

"We'll talk about it tonight?"

"Yes. I need to get back to the _Normandy,_ are you coming?"

"I might hang back, see if I can get a handle on this system, if there's time."

She hugged him quickly. "We leave at 1800."

When she walked out the door he took a moment to watch her leave. He was still astonished, every moment, that he had her back. That she could love him after all he'd put her through. The guilt, the regret, was horrible but they had each other now. She'd be waiting for him aboard the _Normandy_ , that wasn't just wishful thinking. He could help make new moments, try to make up for all the ones he screwed up.

He turned back to the console with a smile.

There was one thing he needed to do, one moment, one memory he wanted. He fumbled his way through the interface to requisitions. If she wanted a Black Widow she'd have one.

She had been right about the spotty supply, it was on backorder for a few days. It wouldn't be long before they had to take on Cerberus and take back Earth, but that would be enough time. He placed the order, funnelling the funds from his personal account. He wanted to see her open that crate, see her hold the gun like she had held the one at the firing range.

He felt the lopsided smile on his face and carefully schooled his expression. Playtime was over and he had to get practise on this system.

With a bare sigh he got to work.


	50. Drinking Games

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 49**

**Drinking Games**

* * *

_Three_

* * *

"She was so rude. What did Jack call her? 'Cerberus cheerleader.'"

"Perfect. How did they get it so perfect?"

"My sensors never detected any signal broadcast to husks. This was a failure of my core responsibilities."

James watched with a mix of curiosity and confusion. Three women were slumped over the bar in port obs, drunk as hell.

Tali he got; daddy issues, turian brandy, all that. The commander, well, he wasn't entirely sure what she was depressed about, but their imminent death was pretty likely and they were just travelling for the next few days anyway, so he figured she'd want to get drunk. EDI... he didn't think EDI could actually get drunk. He couldn't say what that was about.

"With her perfect genes and that attitude. She still got it done. She stopped her father," Tali slurred.

Shepard shook her head. "Removing them in family groups. No one would have any idea that something was amiss until half the camp was gone."

"Combat strategies would have been significantly improved by this knowledge." Why was EDI slurring? That didn't make any sense.

James had meant to see if Joker or the major wanted a game of poker, they had a long trip to the Citadel and most of the crew were off duty, but now that he thought about it this was more entertaining. Sanctuary had hit everyone pretty hard, he could use a laugh.

Shepard slumped sideways in her seat, leaning her head on EDI's shoulder. "It was so perfect. I've never seen anything so efficient. No Alliance facility has ever been so efficient."

EDI studied her seriously. "If Cerberus had this theory in the past it was not entered into my databanks. They were intentionally inhibiting me beyond my shackles."

"I didn't like her," Tali said thoughtfully, half-raising her glass. "Keelah, she was such a bitch. But I respected her and sometimes that's better than liking."

Their three separate conversations continued for a while and James tried to tell himself to stop eavesdropping and just play cards, but it was pretty hard to ignore them. He sat at the poker table, dealt himself a game of solitaire but the cards weren't exactly moving very quickly, he couldn't help overhearing. Between the two – three? – of them they'd gone through a decent amount of booze and they were talking pretty loudly.

"When do we get to stop reacting to our parents and start living for ourselves?" Tali asked. "Nice job you genetically perfect Cerberus cheerleader bosh'tet. Keelah se'lai."

"Fuck Cerberus," Lola said, raising her glass to toast Tali. The two women looked at each other for a moment, through their respective masks, then Shepard sighed. "I really don't like you."

"I don't like you, either." Tali raised her glass for another toast and Shepard clinked their glasses together.

Ah, the overly friendly stage of drunkenness.

Tali tilted dangerously on her stool, nearly falling off before managing to catch herself on the bar.

James didn't want to interrupt their drunken pity party, but the last thing they needed was another quarian with a cracked faceplate on their ship. He stood up and moved over to her, steadying her with one hand on her tiny shoulder.

"You might have had enough, Sparks."

"And who... are you... to tell me I've had enough?" she asked, barely getting the words out.

"The highest ranking sober officer on this ship." That wasn't true, the major was still clean and sober but he figured she was drunk enough not to remember that.

"Oh, right."

"EDI, are you actually drunk?" he asked, turning to her.

"No, Lieutenant Vega. This platform is not capable of becoming intoxicated." She was talking with her normal voice again, no slurring.

"So what's with the act?"

"Commander Shepard and I have been conducting an exercise in learning organic behaviour by imitation. In this scenario I do not believe the exercise has given me significant additional data."

Right, he'd almost forgotten what kind of ship he was on. The weird kind. "Can you take Tali down to engineering?"

"Yes, Lieutenant."

EDI managed to pry Tali off her stool, supporting her with one arm under her ribs. Poor kid could barely walk, she'd really hit that brandy hard. Though apparently she liked EDI better than Shepard, if the way she was stroking her face was any indication.

He leaned against the bar next to Shepard. The major would kill him if he let her drink herself stupid. She was drinking something bright green which didn't look tasty. She didn't look at him.

"How you doing, niñata? Are you gonna make me carry you back to your cabin?"

"I'm fine."

He looked at the dozen empty bottles in front of her. "Not buying it."

"Synthetic liver," she said, still sipping her green.

"So it's your desperate need to open up that's got you talking crap to Tali?"

She smiled at that, the bottle still pressed to her lips. "Synthetic, not super-powered. Do you hear that buzzing?"

"C'mon, at least sit somewhere more comfortable."

He wrapped an arm around her shoulder and she came without complaining about it. He was mostly hoping that if she was sitting away from the bar she'd stop reaching for fresh bottles. She was walking a little off-centre but she sure wasn't as drunk as she should have been after that many drinks. He helped her get herself down to one of the sofas and then took a seat on the one opposite her.

She rolled the bottle between her hands. "I shouldn't be drunk."

"We're probably all going to die in a few days. I think most ships will be ignoring a few regs at this point."

"Regs serve a purpose."

He couldn't hide a grin at that. "Like fraternisation regs?"

"Are you hitting on me, Vega?"

"There you go with those jokes again. You're getting better at them." If the major hadn't been on board, maybe. She was hot, but not hot enough to get biotically crushed to death over. Like she was trying to prove a point she peeled the mask back over her head and undid her hair ties, letting her hair fall over her shoulders. It was getting long, past regulation length. He cleared his throat. "I probably should be drunk. We won't be at the Citadel until tomorrow afternoon and this might be my last chance."

"Then drink. I won't cite you," she said, looking at him with those bedroom eyes.

Hell, he needed a drink. He climbed to his feet and revisited the bar, picking out some various neon coloured jet fuels that were labelled as levo. One of them had to taste alright. He set them all down on the table, out of the commander's reach, and sat back down. He cracked open something blue and sniffed it suspiciously. Didn't seem poisonous.

"So," he said. "Do you wanna talk about it?"

"I'm your commanding officer."

"Yeah, I'll be straight with you, Lola: I know you've got my back on the field, but off it you're a damn wreck these days. I'd feel better knowing you're not stewing on anything. Get it off your chest, you'll feel better."

She chewed on that, still rolling her bottle between her hands. It was probably a mistake to try to get her to open up, he was pretty sure this wasn't something like man trouble or crew disputes. She was uncomfortable, running her tongue over her teeth. She pulled at the collar of her undersuit and then pulled the zipper down a few inches, like she was too hot.

"Is Sanctuary the end result of unhindered intellectualism?"

Ah, Jesus. "You wanna dumb that down a bit for the meatheads in the audience?"

That won him a tiny smile. "Sanctuary was everything I've ever wanted. An intellectual paradise. A lab so big you can't find the end of it, an hypothesis massive in scope, every department working in perfect harmony, every decision competent. I've never seen a facility so perfect."

Well, she probably wasn't sweating the petty stuff much nowadays. Was that what she thought? That she was like them? He didn't think she'd ever stoop to something so low, no matter how much it would help the war effort. The fact that she thought she would didn't exactly make him comfortable.

"Would you have worked there, if they'd offered?"

"No. But while I was down there I should have been thinking of those people, the families that were promised safety... And I was thinking of them. But I was also thinking... I was thinking how smart it all was, that was the first thought in my head." She was frowning, staring at her hands.

"Niñata, c'mon. You think because you want other smart people and some interesting work you're on the same level as those guys? They were monsters. You'd never do that."

"What makes you so sure?"

He took a long drink of his blue, trying to ignore the weird metal taste. She was asking some heavy questions here. "Because you didn't. You've got the backing of every government in the galaxy, if you decided to set up an operation like that do you think they would have said no? They're desperate, we're all desperate. You could have been doing anything you wanted since Udina went down and you chose to get fleets and fight honestly. That's the difference."

She gestured with her bottle in agreement, then downed the rest of it in one long swallow, the muscles of her throat working. When it was empty she set the bottle down too-carefully, like she'd lost her depth perception or balance or both.

"Are you gonna talk to the major about this?" he asked, trying to sound casual. Everyone knew that they were screwing, and he could tease her about it, but talking seriously was another thing. "You know, get another Spectre's opinion?"

"He's been putting up with a lot of my shit lately. I just told him about Father Mills. I didn't realise they knew each other."

"I think he likes putting up with your shit."

She smiled at that, but tried to hide it. "I guess so."

"Better put a ring on it, niñata. Not all guys are crazy."

Wrong thing to say. She leaned over and grabbed a bottle of pink from in front of him, cracking it open and taking a long swig. "Wish I could, Vega."

"Think he'd say no?" he teased, trying to quickly lighten the mood before she got back to the weepy drunk stage.

She took another drink. "I'm finishing this war one of three ways: as an Alliance test subject, back in my contract or dead."

Yeah, they were back to weepy drunk. She looked so miserable at the idea that he knew he was out of his league.

"You just hang in there, Lola." He opened up a comm channel, "Major, I've got a very drunk commander here who needs to be taken back to her cabin, can you get her?"

" _Port obs?_ "

"Yeah."

" _I'll be right there._ "

James wasn't really sure what to do, so he just watched her as she stared at the bottle of pink, taking too many drinks way too quickly. He thought about maybe holding her hand or going to sit beside her but that would have been too weird, so he just watched her, making sure she wasn't going to start crying or throw up or anything.

She was done with the bottle when the door opened, the major's frown was so deep James thought it might be stuck that way. He looked between the two on the sofas, probably noticing her undone jumpsuit and her mask crumpled in her hand.

Great, just what he needed.

"Kaidan," Shepard said, looking up, dazed.

"Hey, Shepard," he knelt down beside her. "Need some help getting back upstairs?"

"I'm fine."

James pointedly look away when the major brushed the hair back from her face. He just had to pretend he didn't see them, didn't know they were together, was never here.

"Come on, I'll walk you back to your cabin," the major said softly.

James heard the creak of the leather sofa as Shepard climbed to her feet, unsteady. He looked up to see her leaning heavily on the major. She only came up to his shoulder so she'd settled for burying her face in his shirt.

The major led her toward the door, steadying her when she wobbled. He looked over his shoulder at James. "Thanks for calling me."

"No problem, sir."

"Kaidan," she groaned as they shuffled out the door. "Sanctuary..."

"I know. We'll talk about it upstairs."

When the door shut James sighed. A few more days and they'd be assaulting the Cerberus base. A few days for everyone to pull their shit together.

He took a long drink of his blue. They could do it.


	51. The Beginning of the End

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 50**

**The Beginning of the End**

* * *

_Three_

* * *

Shepard opened her eyes slowly. Her muscles were tight, tense, ready for a fight. She had been fighting in her sleep again, or running, something from her nightmares getting out into the world.

She was curled up in her bed, her vision obscured by the bulk of a fluffy white pillow and the blankets pulled up to her nose. Most of the running must have been in her head because Kaidan was curled up behind her, his arm loosely draped over her. She could feel his warm breath against the back of her neck, his stubble tickling her.

"Nightmares again?" he mumbled. He must have felt her wake up.

"Yes."

"Still the same thing?"

"Yes."

Shadows upon shadows. A forest. She'd never seen a forest before, except from a distance.

Kaidan curled around her tighter, letting her use his arm as a pillow. She smiled against his skin and traced the thin white scar on his bicep, where he had been shot on Therum.

"There's a little boy," she said. "I chase him."

"A little boy, huh? Anyone you know?"

"I saw him in Vancouver the day the Reapers hit."

He kissed the back of her neck. "I don't think we need a dream analyst to figure out that one. You're doing everything you can, Ivy."

"I know."

She rolled over, a jumble of limbs under the blankets, and wrapped an arm around him. It was nice to be here, warm and naked against him. They'd spent every night making a kind of passionate, desperate love that was laced with the knowledge that any time could be their last. That wasn't what she needed now, it was moments like these that she knew she should treasure. If he was taken from her this was what she would miss the most, lying next to him, pressed close, speaking in low whispers.

It seemed almost surreal. Outside the whole galaxy was hell come to life. Today was the day she would destroy Cerberus, the fleets were mobile, the Reapers were alert to their intentions, they had already catalysed the chain reaction that would, for good or ill, lead them back to Earth. As soon as she left this room there would be nothing but blood and horror for the rest of her very short life.

But here she was, in the arms of her lover, safe.

No one had ever told her about this. There was no Alliance training vid, no talk in the mess, no class in university that said just before she went out to die she could and should hold a man tight and try to memorise ever freckle on his skin. That it would steel her.

He ran a hand down her back, a slow, rhythmic motion that threatened to put her back to sleep. She closed her eyes and listened to his heartbeat.

"You ready for your big day?" he asked.

"I'd rather stay in bed."

He chuckled. "The Illusive Man is waiting for your foot up his ass. Wouldn't want to disappoint him."

"Jack Harper won't be in the base."

"What makes you say that?"

Shepard propped herself up on one elbow and looked down at him, using her thumb to run along the scar under his lip, then down the cleft of his chin. "He's smart enough to know we're coming and selfish enough to let his men take the hit."

"Then we'll find him."

"It's not that simple."

"I'm just following your philosophy. Can we do it?"

She tried not to smile, hiding her face against his neck. "Yes."

"Then we will."

He was learning, so much more confident, so much stronger than the day she had met him. It was difficult to think how much he had to suffer to get to this point, but it also gave her hope. He was strong enough to survive. He might make it through, might walk away from this. Their only hope on the field was complete efficiency, complete faith.

How far had they come? He was repeating her own lecture back to her. He believed in her again, which was a morale boost she hadn't been counting on, a valuable asset. She would have liked to pretend that she was unwavering, but the fact was that she was scared. And if her subconscious was to be believed, guilty for not saving that boy and the other civilians on Earth.

"We will," she repeated. "We'll save everyone we can. I couldn't have saved him."

Kaidan ran a hand down her side, sending shivers through her. "I never pictured you as the maternal type."

"I'm not maternal," she said, somewhat distracted by the way he was stroking her ribs and back, urging her closer. She felt the coarse hair on his thigh raise a trail of goosebumps against her leg. She shivered against him.

The implications of his musings hit her and she felt like all of her internal organs suddenly dissolved. He would make such a good father. She pressed herself closer against him, imagining how he'd smile if she fell pregnant. For just a second she could taste it, a future where they beat the Reapers, where they both walked out alive. A future with Kaidan cradling a baby boy in soft white blankets.

Maybe he was right, maybe she was feeling maternal. It was a natural hormonal urge, there was no reason why she shouldn't feel it.

Kaidan rolled her onto her back and she laughed against his neck as he settled himself between her legs. She couldn't believe she'd ever thought this was obscene. That's all it had seemed like when she was growing up - fetishistic, humiliating, people acting like animals. She craned her neck to kiss him, restless with anticipation.

"Commander Shepard, Major Alenko," EDI's voice interrupted them. "I apologise for the interruption, however our current estimated time of arrival at the Cerberus base does not allow enough time for sexual intercourse as well as your regular morning routine."

They froze, looking at each other. She had forgotten the time out protocol on privacy mode, allowing EDI's sensors to reinitialise while they slept.

Ivy felt laughter bubbling up from her chest and tried to stifle the giggles.

"Thank you, EDI," Kaidan said with an abashed smile. "Could you reactive privacy mode, please?"

"Privacy mode active. Please remember your schedule."

Kaidan met her eyes and laughed, his chest shaking with it. "As much as I love the _Normandy,_ I'm looking forward to getting you somewhere that doesn't have 24 hour surveillance from all our friends."

"No such place."

He leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to her lips, serious again. "We're going to pick this up again. Right after Earth. After the victory party. You and me, and probably a lot of painkillers and medigel."

"I don't want to wait," she confessed, curling her toes against his leg to emphasise her point. If she was honest waiting was not part of the equation. This was their last chance.

"Soon, sweetheart. Next time we're alone together the Reapers will be dead."

She looked into his eyes. He needed this.

"Soon," she agreed. She sealed the lie with a kiss.

She held on a moment longer, not wanting to admit to herself that this was the last time she would hold him like this. She inhaled deeply, memorising the smell of him. Just a few more seconds. Just a few more.

"Come on, we need a shower," she said.

He rolled off her, sitting on the bed with the sheets tangled around his waist. "You go ahead, I'll get one in a minute."

She raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

"I... just because."

"What are you up to?"

He made an expression suspiciously like rolling his eyes. "Alright, alright. If you aren't the most persistent... I've got a surprise for you."

"What is it?"

"A _surprise_ ," he repeated with an exasperated smile. "Get out of here."

She bit the tip of her tongue and climbed to her feet, then made her way ever-so-casually toward the bathroom, checking over her shoulder to see where he was looking. He gave nothing away, unashamedly watching her the whole time. He even had the nerve to give her a cheeky wave goodbye as the door slid shut behind her.

She turned on the shower and stepped under the stream, not lingering as she might have if he was with her. She was still a mess from the night before, could still smell his dried sweat on her skin. She usually made a point of being clean when she went to sleep, but the past few nights it had just been too hard to separate, they had taken to putting it off until they both fell asleep. It was a bad habit to fall into but she found she was giving herself exceptions easily these days.

Kaidan had a surprise for her. She bit her lip, the thousand possibilities branching in front of her eyes. They weren't a gift-giving couple. Usually she was the one to surprise him, mostly unintentionally; he had no need to be adventurous as a boyfriend. There were myriad things he could have for her, things she wanted but was unable to get due to the war – equipment, information, basic necessities. Even finding time for new clothes and hair ties was difficult.

After a quick scrub down she turned off the water and patted herself dry with a towel, anxious to see what Kaidan had for her. She dropped the towel on the floor and opened the door, already craning her neck to see around her console.

He was kneeling on the floor at the foot of the bed, dressed only in his underwear, messing with the catch on a large black crate. She stopped at the stair, momentarily frozen as she considered where he could have hidden that. One of the access panels, or under the bed. He looked up at her, his eyes sweeping her body briefly before landing on her face.

"It's not really a gift, I guess, since I used your money," he gave a short laugh.

Ivy knelt down next to the crate. Spectre requisitions weaponry. The realisation of what was inside hit her and she drew in a sharp breath. She snapped the latches open and tossed the lid aside.

The Black Widow. She licked her lips and reached out to stroke the barrel. Even cleaner than the one in the Spectre firing range, never used. She picked it up, needing to use both hands, and settled it between her legs, extending the barrel. In her kneeling position the gun was taller than her at its full length. It was beautiful. Everything about this gun was beautiful. The comforting sound it made when it fired, the heavy kickback, she felt invincible when she held it.

"Oh," Kaidan murmured. "I'm getting court martialed for this one."

He opened up his omnitool and caught a picture of her mid-laugh, bare naked, her soaked hair draped over one shoulder and the barrel of the Widow pressed against her cheek.

"It's beautiful," she said. "Thank you."

She leaned forward, resting her hand on his thigh and kissed him. She felt him smile against her mouth and he cupped her jaw in one warm hand, his fingertips brushing the sensitive skin behind her ear. It was only supposed to be a short, appreciative peck, but they didn't separate at that point and she leaned further into him, feeling the hard muscles of his thigh bunch under her hand as he pressed back against her. She found herself tangled up with him and their gun, warm skin and cold metal and the comfort of strength and support in all aspects.

Her body felt light with the happiness. This was how she wanted to die. If she had to, and statistically it was likely, then she would die with Kaidan's faith, with love and strength, with courage. Hello Bear was catalogued, his origins and every shot he had ever fired logged in an Alliance database somewhere. She loved him, but this present was so much more than she would ever be asked to put into a report, something she could carry right out in the open and no one would ever suspect that it meant more than just a gun. Kaidan was letting her die with a secret.

"I love you," she breathed against his lips.

"I love you, too. Don't forget that when we're on the base."

"I won't forget. I know."

He kissed her again, his attentions taking on a desperate edge. He spoke between kisses. "I just don't want you to see something that reminds you of back then and... forget."

"I won't forget you," she promised breathlessly. "I never forgot you."

She pulled him closer, pressing herself against him, practically sitting in his lap.

"Everything that happened back then –"

"You never forgot me, either. Stop apologising. I would never have forgiven you if you had."

He rested his forehead against hers and sighed. "I just don't want you to hurt anymore."

"I'm going to."

"Simple as that?"

"Yes."

He gave a short, humourless laugh and kissed her again, this time just brief, comforting. "Then I guess I'll just have to be there to patch you up."

"I'd like that," she said with a smile.

He looked into her eyes, then smiled as well. "I need to go take that shower. Kai Leng is waiting for us."

"We wouldn't want to disappoint him," she agreed.

After just one more second she climbed off him and let him leave, watching him all the way to the bathroom.

She sat sprawled on the floor, her new gun still in her lap. She wished this morning could stretch on into forever, but wishes were not reality. Reality dictated that the Reapers had to be stopped, Cerberus had to be stopped, she would have to give all of herself to achieve that goal. But it wasn't so bad, the last few weeks had convinced her that she had something more to give.

It was a good day to die.


	52. Short Goodbyes

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 51**

**Short Goodbyes**

_Three_

The _Normandy_ was deathly silent.

The only time Kaidan had ever heard it so quiet was after Ash had died, when no one had known what to say or do anymore. Everyone just wrapped themselves up in their duties, the only interaction between them was fleeting eye contact, few words if any. Their own secret funeral spread across days. In those days he'd finally found the courage to tell Ivy how he felt, and his heart had waged a war between sinking low in his gut from the loss of Ash and sticking in his throat with the anxiety that he might have fallen in love with the wrong woman and made everything so much worse for everyone.

This was different. People were doing their duties just as diligently, talking just as sparsely, but the air was charged with tension. They were buried in datapads and equipment because everything had to be perfect, everything had to be ready. This was the big one. They were about to hit Earth.

The war room was silent except for Shepard's low voice, talking to Hackett in the vidcom alcove, occasionally illuminated by visuals flashing up for her inspection. She was standing at ease, her mouth set, shoulders tense, she hated whatever he was telling her, thought it was stupid but was too smart to say anything.

He didn't want her to do this. He'd never wanted anything so badly, so desperately, as he wanted her to find something to do on the other side of the galaxy right now.

The Cerberus base had given him a new respect for her, and a whole new set of fears to go along with it. Watching the logs of her reconstruction, seeing the remains of the proto-Reaper, listening to Jack Harper talk to her; she had suffered enough. She'd seen enough war and blood and loss to last any person a lifetime, and she wasn't just any person.

Sometimes she reminded him of Rahna. Not in the obvious ways. Rahna had been nice, sweet to everyone, always had a kind word to say. She was charming and charismatic. No, Ivy wasn't like that. But they shared that same soft heart, easily bruised and so scared. Sometimes he thought about that day with Vyrnus, what would have happened if he hadn't been there. What happens when a sweet, soft little girl gets hurt, again and again with no one to ever step in and make it stop.

"That's a bad idea, sir," Ivy said, just loud enough that he could hear her. "With all due respect."

In this case, he supposed, that little girl grew up as hard as steel. He didn't want her to need to be that hard anymore. The things this war had brought up were horrifying, every day a new nightmare, but after three years he knew that it took everything Ivy had to get out onto that field, to kill and fight and be under fire.

This would be the last time. He made himself that promise. For better or for worse she was never going to be forced into combat again. If they won, and with her at their head he thought they could, he would do anything he could to take that hit for her, to finally intercede and get the Alliance to back off. She had fought long and hard enough to win herself the freedom to choose.

The vidcom went dark. Ivy's face was frozen in a grimace, one hand on her forehead.

Kaidan walked over to her, catching Garrus' eye on the way. She needed her officers.

"What are our orders, ma'am?" he asked. She turned to face them, straightening up again, falling back into at-ease position. She scanned the war room, making sure that no one was in earshot.

"The Citadel has been moved to Earth. Admiral Hackett intends to use the fleet to give us an opening, we're to report to London where Admiral Anderson will give us further orders for a ground assault."

Kaidan exchanged a glance with Garrus. The turian's mandibles twitched. "A ground assault. On the Citadel. In Reaper controlled territory."

"Yes."

"You hate this plan."

"Yes."

Kaidan shook his head. "What are _our_ orders, ma'am?"

There was no way she was going to follow along with a plan she didn't think would succeed, not with so much at stake.

Shepard raised her chin. "Major, get the ground team and officers into the meeting room, I'll join you soon. Garrus, make sure the ship is prepped to hit Earth."

Kaidan nodded and headed for the meeting room, comming people as he went. He didn't like this. He didn't know what she was planning but he was certain it wouldn't put him at ease. Last time she'd just stolen the _Normandy_ , but that wouldn't be enough this time. If she was planning to subvert Hackett's orders it would have to be something big.

EDI was already waiting in the meeting room, apparently she'd got the message even before he had.

"Do you know what she's up to?" he asked.

"Shepard is currently making contact with multiple Spectres. The Spectre broadcast channel is encrypted, I cannot observe the conversations."

He had EDI on his side, she wanted the best for Ivy. It was a little strange that the ship was also his girlfriend's best friend, but there were days when he was so grateful for it. "Let me know if you get anything else."

"I will, Major."

Liara walked through the door. "What's going on?"

"Shepard is going to brief us."

"Shouldn't she do that at Earth?"

"Commander's orders," Kaidan said with a half shrug.

He folded his arms and waited in silence. By the time Garrus, Vega and Tali had arrived there was still no sign of her. Dr. Chakwas and Engineer Adams came up from below and by that time he was really starting to feel the nerves. It was bad enough that they were about to head into an almost suicidal fight without Shepard keeping them on their toes. He couldn't stop remembering the exploding volcano on Therum, the MAKO flying through the Conduit, her hunting a thresher maw with narrowed eyes and the tip of her tongue between her teeth.

When she finally made her way to the briefing he could see that her skin was grey, all the colour washed out of it. She was still wearing her mask and that made him worry more every day. It made him worry now, when she was about to brief her crew on the most important mission of their lives.

"EDI, please open an audio feed to Joker, I want him present," she said. On EDI's nod of confirmation she continued. "We've been ordered to Earth. Admiral Anderson intends to assault a ground facility in London to gain access to the Citadel. The _Normandy_ is going to report along with the rest of the fleet in defence of the planet and to aid in any possible way the operation to reach the Citadel."

"The _Normandy_ is reporting? But not us?" Garrus asked. His mandibles flared and Kaidan wished he could make that expression, discomfort and consternation summed up in one facial twitch.

"You will be." Ivy clasped her hands behind her back. "Under Major Alenko's command. The _Dagnes_ is on an intercept course, I will be deboarding to join a Spectre infiltration operation."

Kaidan felt the blood drain from his face. He wanted to say something, to object, but he couldn't get any words out. He couldn't tell where she was looking, if she even saw him.

"You're leaving us?" Liara was the first person who managed to speak.

"This mission is active on multiple fronts, I will be part of the same operation but my skills will be put to better use elsewhere."

The room was silent. Not the grieving silent or the waiting silent, the stunned silent. Kaidan could see angry, hurt, irrational words forming in every mouth but no one could say anything. No one could explain to Ivy that this was a betrayal, no one could even begin. It seemed so pointless to appeal to her compassion, to her loyalty, because sometimes when he least expected it she just didn't have any.

It was Joker's voice that broke the silence, coming in through the audio channel. "What the shit, Shepard?"

"Everyone's dismissed," Kaidan said firmly. He was the commanding officer on this boat now, he had the authority.

After a few worried glances people complied. They looked at Shepard as they left, hurt and bewildered, frightened. Liara looked so crushed that he thought she was going to ignore his orders and plead with Shepard to stay. Vega's mouth was set in a hard line, his eyes vacant, like he'd just been dumped by his dream girl.

When they were alone he didn't speak for a long while, trying to sort out the words in his head. He had never been so frustrated, so angry with her. No matter what he knew with his head about how she operated, about her shortcomings and her need for him to understand them, with his heart he knew that she was leaving. Voluntarily. Hell, it had been her idea.

He let out a frustrated growl. "EDI, shut off all audio feeds, activate privacy mode, lock all doors in this room, darken the glass."

He saw the glass walls darken in his peripheral vision. He rested both his hands against the table, looking at the fake wood grain, trying to come up with something other than bilious accusations to spit at her. She wasn't talking, still standing there, at ease, waiting for him. He took a deep breath, trying to calm down. He had to hear her out.

"Tell me about the mission," he said quietly.

"I've acquired transport on the _Dagnes_ for myself and six other infiltration specialist Spectres. We intend to take the Conduit to the Citadel and launch a stealth assault on the tower, attempting to override the controls while the ground force keeps the Reapers occupied."

"You have no idea what could be on the Citadel."

"The risk is comparable to a force being sent in from Earth. Transportation is safer."

He clenched his fists, his knuckles pressed hard against the unforgiving surface of the table. "You will be completely cut off. No backup, no retreat. For that matter Ilos isn't even a guarantee, what makes you think the Reapers haven't already shut down the Conduit?"

"If we fail Anderson's initial plan will still be in place. You will take the Citadel from Earth."

"Don't, don't talk like that, don't talk like your life is disposable. Don't..." He looked up, staring into her mask, and suddenly was so angry at her for trying to do this to them. "Take the mask off."

"I don't –"

"Take it _off_ , Ivy!" He slammed his fist against the table, making her jump, and felt instantly sorry for it. It was so damn hard fighting this anger. If it was anyone else in the galaxy trying to do this he would have lost it, but Ivy wasn't doing this on purpose, she didn't understand, he had to fight. "I know why you wear it. I know you look in the mirror and see Lazarus. I know you don't want the rest of us to look at you and see someone else."

She frowned, just enough that he knew he was getting to her. She peeled off her mask. She wouldn't meet his eyes. "This isn't me."

"Yeah, it is. You might not look quite the same but it's you. Whatever Cerberus did to you they brought you back home, this isn't just some temporary field trip back from the dead. You don't have to go rushing back there."

She looked at him with those big eyes, sad and determined. "I'm dead, Kaidan. I was dead before we even started."

"No." It took him two long strides to reach her, he cupped her face in one hand and pushed her hair back from her eyes with the other, their faces just inches apart. She closed her hands around his wrists, anchoring herself. "Don't do this, sweetheart. Just don't. You've gotta fight, you've gotta live. You're home, people love you here, they need you. I love you and need you."

"This is the better plan," she said. "Your name carries as much weight as mine, now. I need you on Earth, I need you to be my ground support."

"This plan could have you die alone on the other side of the galaxy."

"Death is death, the location is irrelevant."

"Not this time." He stroked her temple with his thumb, trying not to hold on too tight, desperate to make her understand. "Ninety-nine times out of a hundred none of us walk away from this. There's every chance we're all going to die and if we have to then we should do it together. We owe each other that much."

"This is the better plan," she said again. "If my dying alone means that my crew doesn't die at all then it's the right choice."

He stared down at her, wishing he had any kind of argument for that. He swallowed thickly, a lump lodged in his throat. "I can't lose you again."

Her brow furrowed in distress, her lips parted. She needed him to understand but this time he wasn't sure that he could. She was trying so hard, he could see it in her face. Trying to reconcile her own stark view of the world with the responsibilities she had toward everyone else who lived in light and colour.

"If there is any way for me to come back to you, you know that I'll find it."

He let out a shaky breath. There was no talking her out of this. "How long do we have?"

"Half an hour, maybe. I need to get suited up. I want... I want..." She released one of his wrists and reached down, taking Hello Bear out of its holster and offering it to him. "I want you to have him."

"No." The word sprung off his lips instinctively, a sudden panic welling up in his chest. "No, no, you're not leaving him behind. You keep him with you."

"Please," she begged. "I don't want him to go missing again."

She couldn't do this. He knew it was irrational, that no pistol could protect her, but he couldn't move past the idea that Bear would keep her alive. Like he had always done.

"Ivy, I know you think I'm being superstitious, but if you don't have Bear with you then I am not going to be able to concentrate down there. If worst comes to worst, I'll find him. I'll find you."

"Then..." She frowned and tucked him back into her pants. She took half a step back, stepping out of his grip, and tugged her dogtags over her head. He didn't object when she put them around his neck. "It's alright if they don't find me. I'd prefer it that way."

He didn't argue. This was her choice. "Before you go you need to talk to your crew. Wish them luck, tell them you'll be fighting for them, thank them for fighting with you."

"I don't see what difference it makes."

"I know you don't. That's why you have me to tell you."

She sucked in a deep breath through her nose and nodded. "So... this is goodbye."

He didn't answer, instead taking her hand, pulling her close and kissing her.

He closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around her, holding her so close. She held him around the ribs, just like she'd done that first time, trying to fit against him the right way. He fisted a hand in her hair and parted her lips with his own. He needed to leave her with something, needed something from her to tide him over if he never kissed her again.

She whimpered at the back of her throat, her fingers digging into his back as she encouraged him with her lips and tongue. God, he wished he'd told EDI to go to hell that morning, that he'd made love to her and spent these final hours with the taste and smell and feel of her lingering on his body. He crushed her to his chest. Just a few more minutes, he'd give anything for just a few more minutes.

"I'd never forget you," he murmured between kisses. "I've never... regretted this."

She leaned her forehead against his, giving him a long, slow, determined kiss. She pulled back far enough to look at him. "Kaidan... You showed me that life was worth living. You are the most important thing in my life."

He pulled her back to him, holding her against his chest, her head tucking under his chin. She was right. They'd had a good run. Even with everything that had gone down they'd been good for each other, she'd been good for him. No more looking for a way out, she'd shown him that even if he failed it was worth putting all of himself into something. She'd forced him to step up, to be the kind of man he wanted to be. No, he didn't regret this, even if it ended right here.

"I have to go," she said, not moving.

He squeezed her tighter for a long moment. This was it. He took one last long inhale of the smell of her hair, then released her. "Yeah."

She turned away and picked up her mask, tucking it into her belt. "I'll keep in contact with Hammer, we'll talk again in Earth orbit."

"I'll talk to you then, sweetheart."

She made to walk away, but paused in the doorframe, looking back at him for a long moment, her face inscrutable. He held her gaze evenly, memorising every detail of her face. Finally she nodded and walked away, not looking back.


	53. Earth

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 52**

**Earth**

* * *

_Three_

* * *

Kaidan had never seen anything like London in the hour they touched down. He hadn't seen so much of Earth, but the city couldn't have been too different from the other megatropolises, couldn't have been too different from home. That was before the invasion. Now it was unrecognisable as a city.

Most of the buildings had collapsed, partially or fully, in giant piles of rubble or long impact paths where skyscrapers had fallen, spreading debris out for hundreds of metres around them. The only sounds were the fall of combat boots in unison and the running tanks, the rumble of firing engines and treads over gravel and asphalt. There was the occasional burst of heavy gunfire from the perimeter, keeping the husks out, but their part of the city was otherwise eerily quiet, all forces holding off to prepare for Hammer.

Cortez had landed them safely, even with destroyers trying to shoot them down, the battle in upper atmosphere lighting up the sky like fireworks. But now it was strangely dull, a calm before the storm, this little corner of London where the Alliance had managed to hide for long enough to come up with a plan and implement it.

Anderson wasn't happy that Shepard had led the shadow team herself but he wasn't arguing, letting Kaidan step into the role without a fuss. Kaidan was honestly surprised that soldiers on the ground seemed happy to see him, encouraged, the way he thought they'd look when Shepard touched down. It made a strange kind of sense. She didn't like the spotlight, she had no public domain images of her new face and the Alliance hadn't liked to splash her old face around, scarred like it was. Of the two human Spectres his was the face everyone knew.

The men here were tired and scared. Some had been there from the beginning, some had come in with Hammer, but all of them were exhausted, dozens of hollow eyes perking up as he passed, watching with interest, as if this was the first spark of hope they'd felt in months. They wanted to see any of the _Normandy_ crew, to know the Council and Spectres were with them.

" _Alenko, what's the status of Hammer?_ " The Spectre emergency channel was usually silent, but now shadow were trading information fast, it was even more active than Hammer comms.

"Our briefing is just about to begin, I'll have an update for you in ten. What's Ilos looking like?" He wanted to talk to her like she was his girlfriend, like he was scared without her there and they might never talk again, but half the Spectre force was listening in, so he held his tongue.

" _Moderate Reaper presence, we're confident we can avoid detection. Keep us updated._ "

"Roger that, Commander."

While he was waiting for Anderson to call them in he found EDI looking out over the city. She looked concerned. Once he might have thought that was just her emulating the people around her. He still wasn't sure she quite picked up on the subtleties of the emotions. Her brow couldn't crease, her eyes couldn't wrinkle, but whatever she felt he knew it was sincere.

"What's on your mind, EDI?" he asked.

"Our chances for success, even with Shepard's alternative measures, are extremely small," she said, her voice going deeper, sad or angry, whatever emotional inflection had been programmed into her.

"Are you scared?"

"With all due respect, I would be more comfortable if Shepard were here."

Kaidan grinned despite himself, his black mood suddenly lightening. Ash's assessment of that phrase rang in his head. EDI didn't mean it like that, but the idea still made it that much easier to swallow.

After all this time they were a family, and on most days Shepard was the inappropriate grandma but when they needed her she was the mother. Today she was the mother and she wasn't there. He guessed that made him the stepdad who had to convince the kids that mom would be right back, that she still loved them.

"She wants to be here, EDI. She's trying to give us our best chance."

"The statistical difference is not significant."

"I don't think she cares about the statistical significance for once, EDI. If this buys us any fraction of a percentage point she'll do it."

EDI looked at him, her eyes scanning his face, he guessed for some data to match up against her databases, to figure out what he was feeling. She crossed her arms. "No species has ever survived a Reaper assault."

"First time for everything, right?"

She looked at him and he swore she had that same 'why would you try to argue with me?' superiority that Shepard got when he was trying to match wits with her. "That is accurate, Major."

"Then we'll be the first."

"Shepard would disagree with your oversimplification."

"She'd disagree with your overcomplication. We can do it, so we'll do it. Statistics mean nothing to the individual." That was a direct quote, but it landed. EDI almost smiled. He clapped a hand on her shoulder, not sure if she responded to physical contact. It was worth a shot. "Come on. We all wish we were up there with her, but we're not infiltrators. We're here to hit them where it hurts if Ivy needs it."

"Multilateral missions are difficult. I did not anticipate this complication."

"Yeah, I hear you," he said with a sigh. He looked out across the city, huge areas of it blacked out, the rest lit up by military spotlights or Reaper thannix. He wasn't going to strain himself trying to figure out how EDI felt about Joker, if she even could, right then it was something rare and valuable to have someone know what he was going through. Joker was up there, right in the line of fire. Kaidan had to deal with Ivy going against dangers unknown, but EDI could see what Joker was up against and it was too big to even think about.

"Dr. Solus theorised that in this scenario a sentimental attachment to organic life was an advantage. I am not confident in his hypothesis."

"Are you scared?"

"I am not capable of fear."

Kaidan leaned against a nearby wall, folding his arms. "You know four years ago this was all business. I was worried about living up to the rest of the _Normandy_ crew professionally. Shepard intimidated me before I even met her."

"Joker was an unknown quantity. He introduced an organic error margin into my systems. I was not programmed to have an opinion on his presence."

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure Ivy wasn't allowed to have an opinion on me, either." He half-smiled, thinking of those early days. "You're still up there with him, aren't you?"

"Yes, however my ability to communicate is compromised. My spatial cognition and reactionary reasoning processes are operating locally. I cannot converse socially aboard the _Normandy_ at this time."

"That's rough. But we're doing what we can. For Joker and Ivy, for everyone. This is what soldiers do, we follow orders, do our part, protect the people we love."

She pursed her lips and gave a short nod of determination. "I am confident in Shepard's strategic abilities, and in your judgement, Major."

Anderson motioned him over to the briefing table and he grasped EDI's shoulder one more time, already half-stepping toward the admiral. "We all keep each other safe."

"Understood, Major."

He walked up to the briefing table, the surface lit with projections. Major Coates was looking grim as the _Normandy_ grew gathered around. He'd been on the ground since day one, it looked like he'd seen even worse than Anderson. Coates was a dead man walking; gaunt, exhausted and dead-eyed. There were so many men like him down here, men who just wanted this war ended, one way or another.

Ivy had been right, Anderson's plan was thin. It was as good as any they had but it wasn't much. They'd be leading a full charge straight against the matter transporter that led to the citadel, throwing everything they had at the defences the Reapers had in place. The battle above Earth would hopefully keep them safe from a full bombardment, but the chances of any of them walking away were slim.

"We'll hold here," Anderson pointed to a spot on the holographic map. "If Shadow doesn't deliver, we'll be ready to make a charge straight for the beam. Have we heard from them, Major?"

"They're headed for the conduit, no setbacks reported," Kaidan said.

"Good. This is it, everyone. One last fight. I know you're up to it."

The briefing was over, and Kaidan knew that just like he'd expected Ivy to say goodbye to everyone he was now expected to do the same thing, give them some motivation, some inspiration. With EDI he could talk it out, but looking at the faces of all his friends, all the people he owed his life to and more, and knowing they'd all soon be dead didn't bring anything awe-inspiring to mind. Earth and everything on it was fighting and dying.

So when Anderson left them alone for their final preparations, his throat was so dry he could barely speak, and he did what Ivy would have done. He didn't dress it up in fancy words, he was just honest with them.

"We're going to save every person we can," he said. "You're the best damn crew in the galaxy, I know Shepard would say the same if she was here. If anyone can do this, it's us. So let's do it."

It was enough. Vega saluted him with an exhausted half smile. Kaidan pulled Liara into half a hug on their way downstairs. Garrus gave him a stern nod of approval as they took up their place among the rest of Hammer.

The sky was getting brighter with the waves of aerial assault drones preparing to cover the ground troops. The dust from collapsed buildings was cloying, the city reeked from rotting blood and the exposed sewers where the roadways had been torn up, all of it coated in the acrid stench of smoke, fires had torn through so much of the city. There were no bodies, which made it even worse, they'd all been taken to the Citadel or other harvesting ships. It was just a ghost town, an apocalyptic nightmare.

The sounds of MAKOs and troops that had been a distant background noise when they first landed was now all around them, managing to block out the sound of gunfire and screaming. Hammer was smaller than they would have liked, but big enough that Kaidan finally felt like they had support at their backs, that it wasn't the _Normandy_ versus the galaxy.

On one of the still-intact walls he saw the only sign of life, graffiti painted in black on the brick wall. _I believe in Commander Shepard_.

He heard the snap of a camera, saw the flash go off and a young soldier looked bashfully away. Kaidan guessed that was a pretty good shot.

" _Alenko, we've reached the Citadel,_ " a voice in his ear, static blurring the sound.

"Bau? Where's Shepard?"

" _She's broken off from the main group. We're experiencing some resistance, several Spectres are making separate stealth runs to the Council Tower. What's your status?_ "

"Hammer is mobile, we're approaching the Citadel entrance. No ETA yet."

" _Wait for our update._ "

"Roger that."

If they were lucky Hammer wouldn't need to be there. If they were lucky Shadow would find the console, open up the Citadel and they could just turn around and go home.

Even Kaidan wasn't optimistic enough to hope for that. He could see the beam in the distance, a white light shooting up from the darkness. There was an army of husks in the way but if Ivy needed him he had to be there. If her voice was suddenly in his ear telling him she was in trouble he wanted as little between him and that beam as possible.

The front ranks opened fire, they'd hit the husk resistance. Kaidan gripped his assault rifle in both hands. A harvester swooped overhead, casting a shadow over them, preparing to land. The hum of the tanks' cannons priming all around him filled the air and the first salvo sounded, the shells aimed for the harvester, most of them slamming into the ruins of a bombed-out building.

Kaidan felt his pulse quicken, his palms begin to sweat, he could hear his heart pounding in his ears as the husks came into view, slavering cannibals leaping on the soldiers and tearing through their armour. He raised his gun and started to fire.

_Save mom. Save dad. Save Ivy._

He charged forward, taking up position and spraying fire from his assault rifle. The shots burst across the skin of the batarian husks, spraying grey-brown ooze over the asphalt. Liara was there at his shoulder, pushing the enemies back with her biotics, shockwaves throwing them off the Alliance troops.

The assault was heavy, the husks only grew in numbers. The MAKO beside him was stuck, a downed telephone pole that threatened to spear the engine being cleared by some brave bastard to get it moving again. Kaidan took cover behind it while it was stopped and motioned his crew to do the same, take a little safety from the harvester that was blasting their ranks with thannix from its perch above the range of the cannons.

"Keep moving!" Anderson roared, helping the young soldier clear the MAKO's path. Kaidan kept the husks off them. Human husks, hundreds of them, were running through the streets, impossibly fast, darting through the soldiers too quickly to hold the line. The tank started moving again, the column of Hammer moving forward. In the distance a destroyer lurched toward them, the tallest shape on the skyline.

Movement was so slow, but they were going forward. It was too hard to aim at husks among them, they'd take each other down with friendly fire. A human husk leapt at Kaidan and he moved fast, slamming the butt of his rifle into its chest, sending it reeling back. Another hit to its head and it fell to the ground. He unloaded a few rounds into it and kept moving.

" _Alenko, Shepard's reached the controls,_ " Bau said. A wave of relief coursed through him.

"Can she get it open?" he yelled over the gunfire around him.

" _I don't know, we're moving to rendezvous now, she's... fuck!_ "

Kaidan heard the boom of the Widow through his earpiece. "Bau? Bau talk to me!"

" _She's... Shepard what the hell are you... Adir!_ "

The scream of a banshee pierced the air, cutting through all other noise. Kaidan let his rifle hang in one hand and started balling biotic energy to pierce its barriers, his stomach tightening in anxiety as he tried to get through to Bau. "Talk to me, Bau."

" _Shepard has opened fire! She's not letting us near the console! Adir's dead._ "

Kaidan felt his blood freeze in his veins.

_Do you hear that buzzing?_

He stepped into a biotic blow, sending everything he had toward the banshee, forcing it back but not injuring it. Violent blue eyes fixated on him.

"Shepard," he gasped into the Spectre channel even as he retreated away from the monster. "Shepard, what are you doing?"

" _He's here, Kaidan,_ " her voice was trembling, small. " _You don't understand, this isn't what we thought._ "

"Who's there, Shepard?"

" _The boy. The one from Earth._ "

Oh, God. He barely managed to roll out of the way when the banshee charged, materialising in front of him, long, twisted fingers reaching for him. His biotics were humming, charged with fear.

"Talk to me, sweetheart, tell me about the boy."

He brought down another, harder hit on the banshee, its own biotics flickering around it as its barrier died, the hail of gunfire coming from Garrus and Vega finally reaching it, tearing its skin to shreds as it screamed, the sound shooting straight to the base of his skull.

" _The Reapers aren't what we thought, we can't destroy them. I can... I can fix this._ "

"Anderson! _Anderson!_ " He yelled as loudly as he could, trying to find the admiral. They could already be too late, they needed to get to the beam. He heard the sound of the Widow being fired again through Ivy's radio.

"Alenko, over here!"

Anderson was struggling against two cannibals. Kaidan took them down with his assault rifle, he barely noticed them. "Shepard's indoctrinated."

"What?"

"We need to get to the beam now, she has control of the Citadel."

Anderson's face turned grey, the realisation of their situation hitting him. He stared at Kaidan for a moment, then turned and started bellowing orders, forcing the column forward.

"Keep talking to me, Ivy," Kaidan said. "How are you going to fix this?"

" _I can control them. I just have to... Or I can... I can make us part of them._ "

Anderson was suddenly beside him, grabbing his shoulder. "Can you shut her down?"

Kaidan checked his omnitool. The controls were still there. He could disable her without killing her. She'd be terrified, but not hurt. "What do you mean 'make us part of them'?"

He activated her cuffs and turned off her eyesight.

" _We'd be synthetic, cybernetic. It's the final evolution of life._ "

Kaidan shook his head. There must have been interference or a range problem. "That doesn't sound like a good idea."

" _I know, I don't like it._ "

"Bravo team, offside!" Anderson ordered, then looked at Kaidan. "Come on, we'll have to take a splinter team ahead. If anyone can talk her down it's you."

"My crew, sir."

"If we fail, Hammer might still have a chance, your team can lead them."

Kaidan looked back at Garrus and Liara. He had to keep talking to Ivy, if he fell silent she might do something drastic. "Sweetheart, I'm coming to you, just hold off, we'll talk about this."

" _I don't have time,_ _the fleets are bombarding the Citadel._ "

"Garrus!" he yelled. "We're going ahead, keep Hammer moving!"

"We'll get there, Alenko! Get Shepard out of there!"

The two of them exchanged a nod and then they were out of time. Kaidan sprinted to catch up with Anderson. "I'm nearly there. You wait for me."

" _Kaidan, I need to make a decision. Control them or synthesise us._ "

"Why can't you destroy them?" He was panting as they ran, taking the back streets. There was some resistance but most of the Reaper forces were focused on Hammer. The other soldiers were keeping the husks off him, Anderson's silent mission goal was clear: keep him talking and get him to the beam.

" _The conflict between organic and synthetic life will perpetuate without the Reapers. We'll just be leaving the problem for our children. We have to end this, now._ "

"Is that what you're worried about, sweetheart? Our children?" A brute burst out from behind a wall and Anderson shoved him against the brickwork, the admiral used his body as a shield while the brute rained down debris on them. Kaidan saw stars from the blow to his chest, but kept talking. "You know any kid we have could take on the Reapers single-handedly."

" _Our children metaphorically. The crucible requires an organic component, I will be expended._ "

"Listen to yourself," he tried. "You're talking about killing yourself to save the Reapers."

The brute grabbed one of the young soldiers and with a single swipe tore him clean in half. Blood sprayed over Kaidan, seeping hot under his suit. The dead kid hadn't even had time to scream. The others were trying to get it down, incendiary ammo lighting up its thick hide with streaks of fire.

" _Grudges are impractical. My death was pre-determined, it isn't a factor. I have to take the option that saves the most lives. I need to do this now._ "

"No, no. Just hold on, I can see the beam, I'm coming."

It was true, he could see it. In between the buildings, behind a destroyer. They could make it. The brute fell with a wheezing growl and they kept moving. Kaidan set the pace, sprinting, his rifle clutched tightly in both hands.

_Save mom. Save dad. Save Ivy._

They weaved through the back streets, trampling the few husks that came into their paths, unable to slow down for any reason. Two more men fell behind, wrestling with husks. They couldn't stick around to help, the beam was getting closer, the destroyer was focused on the main thoroughfare, they had a chance.

" _The crucible's docked, Kaidan. I just have to jump._ "

"Hackett!" He found the connection to the fleet. "Hackett is the crucible docked?"

" _That's a negative, Major,_ " Hackett answered. " _We're still waiting on the Citadel opening. We can't keep the crucible secured much longer._ "

He switched back to Bau. "Bau, is there anything you can do?"

" _We're on the lower tier, attempting to bypass the console. No luck so far._ "

Kaidan closed his eyes for a bare second, still running. The beam was in sight, the destroyer hadn't spotted them. He had no idea what the Reapers were trying to make Ivy do, but he was sure it would render the crucible unusable.

He did something he hadn't done in years. He prayed.

He prayed to God or whoever was listening for just two more minutes, just enough time to get him to that beam.

"Please, Ivy," he breathed. "Please just hold on."

They were on the straight run when the destroyer finally noticed them and a thannix blast tore up the road beside him. He'd never run so fast before, moving on reflex, not even thinking. The bursts of sound – Reaper fire, gunfire, screaming, yelling, the banshee's shriek, the pounding of boots against pavement, the pounding of his heart – it all blurred into white noise around him. All he could see was that beam. Men were dropping like flies around him, shadows falling in his peripheral vision.

The beam was blinding, so bright it lit up the night like it was day. He was so close. Her heard the high-pitched whine of the Reaper's main cannon priming. Time slowed to a crawl and he heard the piercing pop of the Reaper firing.

The world lit up in white and red and he hurled himself into the beam.


	54. The Starchild

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 53**

**The Starchild**

* * *

_Three_

* * *

Travelling through the beam was like using a mass relay without a ship to protect his fragile body. It brought him back to anti-gravity training all those years ago, and just like then, when his feet hit solid ground again he leaned forward, barely managed to toss his helmet to the ground, and heaved the contents of his stomach at his shoes. He lost his balance and stumbled forward. The vertigo cleared slowly and he blinked, the light was so low that he could barely make out anything.

It was the smell that tipped him off to his surroundings. The Reapers had been using this beam to transport dead bodies. As soon as he came to his senses the stench of burnt, rotting flesh was overpowering. He put a hand over his mouth and nose, trying to stop himself throwing up again, and staggered forward. He couldn't see where he was going, but there was some kind of light source up ahead. His boots hit soft bodies on the floor as he walked. He tried to ignore it.

"Bau," he said on the Spectre channel. "Can you hear me?"

There was no answer, his voice echoed around the room, it sounded small.

"Anderson? Bravo team? Is anyone else up here?"

He inched forward. The light took shape, it was the controls for the door, one of the older style pads that had been replaced most places except the keeper tunnels.

"Ivy, do you read me?"

" _I read you._ "

He hit the panel on the door and it slid open. It took him a moment to recognise his surroundings, they looked so different. The first time he'd been to the Council Tower, to this huge open garden, it had been full of light and the sound of trickling water. Now...

Kaidan didn't see it, he refused to look at his surroundings. This was where the harvested bodies were dumped before processing, and he knew if he looked and saw he would never be able to see anything else. So he swallowed thickly and looked for Bau instead, trying to pick out a salarian among the humans without staring too closely at any one body.

He found what he was looking for at the base of the stairs. Bau was there, unconscious. Kaidan knelt down and ran his omnitool over the salarian. Alive, but not good. Weak pulse, short breaths, he wouldn't survive much longer. There was an asari in Spectre armour on the ground beside him, a hole blown through her chest.

Kaidan looked at his omnitool, bringing up Ivy's controls. All he had to do was take her down for a few minutes, buy himself some time to open the Citadel. He hated to do it, but to save the galaxy he would.

The boom of the Widow startled him and he felt a puff of wind against his ear as the shot barely missed him.

Kaidan froze, mouth open, his hand still on his omnitool.

" _Don't even think it._ "

Ivy's voice was so cold. The surprise hadn't lasted, but he still couldn't move. He felt like his whole body had just turned to stone and his blood was running hot in his veins. She'd nearly killed him. If he'd turned his head she would have. If she'd miscalculated by an inch she would have. Even getting grazed by the Widow would have taken a chunk out of him.

_Get a grip, Alenko,_ he told himself. _She's indoctrinated, not in control._

He took a deep, shuddering breath and willed himself to move. He stood up slowly, holding his hands out to his sides.

He remembered this. He remembered the insane Spectre at the console, the Reaper bearing down outside. He remembered Ivy putting a bullet straight through Saren's brain before he could even try to talk them out of it.

"Did you just try to shoot me, sweetheart?" he breathed, moving forward slowly. He could see her at the top of the stairs, so far away.

" _If I had you'd be dead. Do you think I'm stupid? You're here to stop me._ "

"Then why haven't you killed me? If you think what you're doing is right?"

" _I want you to turn around and leave. You don't have to die. Please don't make me kill you._ "

That might have been a plea, but her voice wasn't pleading, it was hard, like she was gritting her teeth just to get the words out. He kept moving, drawing closer to her, the Widow's barrel coming into relief. "You're indoctrinated, baby. Do you understand? The Reapers are feeding you false information."

" _Stop moving._ "

"You've been around their tech. You've been around leviathan. We've seen this before."

The Widow sounded again and he froze. A smoking hole was blown in the floor in front of him, just missing his foot. He stayed still for a long moment, then kept moving. She wasn't going to kill him. The Reapers weren't strong enough to make her take that shot.

" _Stop moving, Alenko, or I will kill you._ "

"I need you to listen to me."

" _Why don't you listen to_ me _? For the past four years everyone has thought I was crazy. Not even that. The past fifteen years. No one has ever taken my word on faith. I don't have time to prove this to you._ "

"I took your word on faith. I believe in you."

" _Except when you don't._ "

The words stung. He steeled himself. She wasn't going to hold back, not this time. They would make her say things she didn't mean. "You know that wasn't because I didn't trust you."

" _Then trust me now._ "

"You aren't yourself."

" _You don't get to decide that._ " She was angry now, and he was close enough to see her shift, adjust the sight of her rifle against her eye.

"That day on the Citadel, you didn't shoot me."

" _No._ "

"Would you have? If your plan hadn't worked?"

She paused, wet her lips. "No."

He could hear her voice without the radio, so he shut it down. She was shifting uncomfortably at the console, he didn't push his luck by trying to get closer, drawing to a stop about twenty metres away.

"I would have shot you," he confessed. "If you had given me a chance I would have taken it. The Council would be dead. The Reapers would have won."

"I know."

"But you still didn't shoot. And you're willing to now. Does that sound like you?"

He saw the flicker of self doubt, in the set of her shoulders, the tightening of her hands. She was fighting them. He took another step forward.

Kaidan looked at her, trying to meet her eyes through her helmet, trying to reach her. "Just step away. I'll do the rest. Come on, sweetheart. Just put the gun down and step away."

"I can't."

He swallowed around the lump in his throat. "You can. I know you're strong enough to fight this."

"It's not something I need to fight!" She was panicking, backed into a corner. He had to move quickly or she was going to shut down.

"Ivy, please, just –" He took a step forward, his anxiety made him move too fast, his movement was too sudden. He barely heard the Widow go off.

The pain was sudden, intense. A flash of white hot agony that consumed his whole body, then nothing. His legs collapsed underneath him and he felt his shoulder hit the floor, then his chin. He tasted blood in his mouth.

The pain started to return. He was wet. His chest, his hands, all his armour was wet. The pain swelled in his chest, his arms, lanced through the base of his skull. He moaned, horrified. He couldn't feel his legs. Oh, god, there was so much blood.

The silence in the room was ringing, the only sound the rush of his own blood and Ivy's desperate panting. He wanted her. He wanted to be back in their quarters with her; warm, safe, loved.

"Kaidan...?" she asked, her voice small and scared. He heard her give a cut-off shriek and then the pound of her boots as she ran for him. Her armour clattered against the floor as she fell to her knees. Then there were strong hands on his shoulders, turning him over. "Oh, god. Kaidan. Oh, god."

"Ivy..." His words were coming out slurred through gritted teeth, the pain was so bad.

"I'll... I'll get you to the doctor... Kaidan, oh, god..." She was fluttering her hands over him, trying to figure out what to do to help him. His suit was spilling medigel over the wound, trying to deal the hole, it wasn't anywhere near enough.

"Ivy... The console. Go, now," he ground out. His vision was starting to tunnel, he had to get her back to that console. "Love you. Go."

She looked between him and the console, her lips trembling, then scrambled to her feet and started to run.

Kaidan had always thought he'd see his life flash before his eyes, but all he saw were Ivy's feet slamming against the ground as she ran. He thought calm and warmth would wash over him in those final moments, but all he felt was panic and so much pain. He'd heard that dying soldiers called for their mothers, but all he wanted was to call for Ivy, beg her to come back, to hold him, not to let him die alone. Part of him was glad that he was in too much pain to speak, he knew if he called she'd come.

He saw her at the console, every moment stretched on for hours of pain and gushing blood and oozing medigel. The world around him brightened slightly as the Citadel arms cracked open. Slowly, so slowly, they opened out. Ivy was already running back to him.

All he could see was a pinpoint of light now, his eyes wouldn't focus, there was too much blood, he felt it trickle out of his mouth and didn't have the muscle control to stop it. Ivy's touch was nothing but pain when she held him, not trying to move him.

"Don't leave me," she begged. "Please. Oh, god, Kaidan, please don't leave me."

The only part of his body that would obey him was the hand rested against her leg, so he pawed at her, trying to tell her that he didn't want to go, that he still loved her. That she had to forgive herself for this. The pain sharpened and he groaned pitifully.

The end was close, he could feel his body shutting down, taking the pain with it. He closed his eyes and tried to focus on the warmth of her body, seeping out between the plates of her armour. He tried to remember how it felt to be held like this without their hardsuits between them.

He found it, that perfect memory, and pretended he was there.

And with his last breath he managed to smile.


	55. London Bridge

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Chapter 54**

**London Bridge**

* * *

Time passed in skips and jumps. Ivy was barely aware of it, slipping in and out of dreamless sleep. The numbers on the clock and the sun in the sky jumped around every time she closed her eyes, even to blink. Sometimes it was loud, new patients being brought into the makeshift hospital or an existing patient making a fuss. Sometimes it was quiet, the middle of the night.

She didn't care. She'd never been so tired in her life. Her limbs were heavy, her heart sluggish, her eyes impossible to keep open for any length of time.

Garrus stood in front of her, speaking words that blurred and warped as she tried to make sense of them. She closed her eyes and let out a long breath before opening them again. The sun was behind EDI's head, a cold metal hand was at her wrist. She blinked again and it was Liara.

"Please stay with us," Joker murmured to her. "He wouldn't want you to die."

She closed her eyes and he disappeared.

She woke to a straw being pressed against her lips. Pink slush. He'd promised her that in Vancouver he'd show her real food. The protein drink dribbled down her lips and onto the pillow. They fed her through the IV again. She didn't struggle. She was so tired.

She was lucid enough to see Kasumi appear in her room, like the shadows came to life.

"Bau's alive," the thief said. "I've been keeping tabs on him. You really rung his bell, but he's up and walking again."

Ivy let out a sigh of relief as Kasumi stroked her hair.

"Don't listen to these guys. Take all the time you need. We've got you."

She closed her eyes and Kasumi disappeared, the sun with her.

It could have been days or years when she really woke up, when she finally felt like she had the energy to move. Her muscles felt wasted and sore. Her throat was dry. She couldn't move much. Enough to sit up. Enough to suck from the straw offered to her by the nurse that had rushed to her aid. It tasted like ash and she cried as she drank it. The nurse looked at a point on the wall, over her shoulder, not engaging her.

James came to see her, to hold her while she cried. He had lost a leg below the knee in Hammer, a clumsy, old-fashioned prosthetic all that was available with so many needing treatment. He joked about it, his words still fuzzy, only half of them getting through, but she saw his smile and for a moment it made her smile.

It was over. The Reapers were gone, she wasn't their commander anymore. If Hackett ever tried to put her on an Alliance ship again she'd refuse.

"Where am I?" she rasped, immediately coughing at the tickle in her dry throat.

"London. They've sealed off part of the Royal hospital for VIPs," James told her.

"The crew... Who..?"

"We're fine, Lola. A little banged up, but no casualties. Joker's going to be in here for a while, the _Normandy_ took a hit, but they'll be back in the air soon. Anderson didn't make it."

She made an involuntary sound at the back of her throat. It wasn't the devastation she'd half expected. Just the one name, a name he didn't even need to say because she already knew. She'd pulled the trigger herself. God, he'd been so scared at the end. She could still see the blood streaming down his armour. Anderson had given his life to get Kaidan to her and she'd...

She found herself pressed against James' chest. She didn't sob, she didn't have the energy. But tears came, silently falling against his t-shirt, choking her.

James held her and she squeezed her eyes closed.

The sun was shining in her eyes when she opened them again. With a tired moan she tried to roll over but her body was once again too weak.

"Heard you were awake." Hackett's voice came from somewhere in the blinding light.

Using all of her strength she bore her weight on the backs of her shoulders, letting her shuffle over just enough to see what was going on. It was so strange to see him in a combat uniform. It looked out of place. He was too old for it.

"Sir," she said, hoping he wouldn't ask her to salute, she didn't think she had the strength.

"How're you feeling, Shepard?"

"Tired."

"You took a hell of a hit when the crucible fired, I'm not surprised. You should recover fine, no major damage." He looked down at his hands for a moment before meeting her eyes again. "They didn't manage to save the baby."

She knew that. She couldn't even feel the grief anymore. She was just numb. He should have reprimanded her for the pregnancy. He should have court martialed her for it. He didn't say anything else on the subject.

"Can you sit up?"

She nodded as best she could. She heard the creak of wheels against linoleum and realised he was pushing an empty wheelchair.

"Where...?"

"You racked up quite a body count while you were indoctrinated, but not as many as you think. Come on, I"ll help you."

She could hardly protest as he lifted her up, sheets and all, and settled her into the wheelchair. She didn't want to go. It was so hard to hold her head up. He heard him transferring her IV bag and catheter to the hooks on the chair. She didn't want to do this.

Out in the hallway it was too bright, too loud. There were so many people. The hallways were lined with beds, the nurses looked like they were run ragged. Nearly every other bed was attended by a volunteer with the red crescent logo on their arm band, carrying cups of tea or holding drips or reading quietly.

She was wheeled past a window, but couldn't raise her head to see how much had been rebuilt while she was under.

Hackett turned her around and she heard the bang of a swinging door.

"Shepard?"

She blinked groggily, trying to make sense of what was in front of her. "Bau?"

"I can't believe you survived. I can't believe any of us did. I'd heard, but..."

"The others?"

"Gorlin survived, and Irda."

"No one else?" she asked, her heart petrifying in her chest. She'd hoped Hackett's promise that she hadn't killed everyone would have better results.

"It's a miracle any of us made it out," Bau said. She managed to take in some of his features. He was badly scarred, his shoulder was bandaged. But like Kasumi said, he was walking. "Indoctrination got some of the best, Shepard, it's not your fault. Your Major was a hero for what he did."

"I know."

She met his eyes for a moment before the exhaustion overcame her again. She slumped back into the wheelchair. A hero. Yes, he was a hero. He had done more than was asked of him, more than anyone else could have done, but that was a cold comfort. Her dead hero. He was no good to anyone dead.

Bau reached out and splayed his hand over her forehead. She didn't have the energy to react. "Feel better, Shepard. Your Major isn't the only hero."

She closed her eyes, but this time the room didn't jump around, she didn't find someone new there or some other time of day. She just heard the doors swing open, then shut behind her. She didn't want Bau's praise. She wasn't a hero. If she had been before, she wasn't now. She was all broken.

"There's someone else I want you to see," Hackett said softly.

"Sir?"

"Yes?"

"What will happen to my contract?"

She couldn't bear it if they made her serve again. She'd never stand up again if all she could do was step back into that uniform.

"Funny thing about war, Shepard. A lot of servers go down, paperwork gets lost."

She felt a bubble of frustration well up in her throat. He was implying something, why couldn't he now, of all times, speak plainly? "I'm not asking about the servers."

Hackett chuckled, the sound making her feel even more helpless. "I'll take care of it. You won't have to worry about your contract anymore. I can't speak for the Council, though. They'll probably still want you."

"Thank you." She meant it, but the words were cold and hollow in her mouth. She couldn't seem to put any of her gratefulness into them.

"Shepard..." Hackett hesitated. "I don't want you to get your hopes up with what I'm about to show you."

He moved them into an elevator and the doors slid shut. Shepard didn't reply, taking the information on board. She didn't expect good news. Good news was something from a lifetime ago. The doors to the elevator stayed shut, time was moving in slow motion now, like it was trying to make up for all the days that had gone by so quickly. She didn't even feel them move.

When sunlight spilled against her skin again she was greeted by the sound of heart monitors and shouting doctors. The ICU. She saw the signs. It wasn't as crowded here. The people who had needed it would have been treated and moved out quickly. So many injured, so many dead. It was some nightmare that should have ended when the Reapers died, but stubbornly continued.

Hackett wheeled her to one of the closed off rooms, the windows showing her a prone human figure, tubes and wires sticking out at all angles. An intubation tube was down his throat, a drip in his arm, wires connected to his head and chest. She could just see a flash of thick black stubble against his cheek.

A grunt emerged from her throat and her hand moved of its own accord, hitting the window with a thump to splay out against the glass.

"Kaidan."

"It's not good, Shepard," Hackett warned. "His heart was protected from the worst of the shot. He had two pairs of dog tags and a mod chip punched through his skin, damn near straight through him, but they saved him. Bought you enough time to say goodbye. We've just located his parents, they're flying in."

She didn't know what to say. She lay back in the wheelchair, her eyes closed, her chest crushed. Hackett wheeled her into the tiny, dark room.

"I'll give you some time," he said.

She heard his retreating footsteps and the door click closed behind him, leaving her alone in the room, the only sound her shallow breathing and the constant beep of Kaidan's heart monitor.

With shaking hands she reached out and took hold of the railing on his bed. The metal clanked, but held. She put one foot on the ground, then the other. It took all her strength but slowly, carefully, she managed to pull herself standing. Her legs threatened to give out under her, the muscles weak, so she shifted the bulk of her weight to her arms. She had to see him.

"Oh, god," she sobbed. "Kaidan."

He was so pale, his skin a ghastly white. The tube down his throat looked painful, his lips pinched against the plastic. He hadn't been shaved, he nearly had a full beard. She nearly choked on her tears as she looked down at the pads strapped to his chest. She could see them pulsing, keeping his heart alive among blood and stitches, pink scars that wouldn't get the chance to heal.

It reminded her of the time in Huerta Memorial. But this was different. He had been pale then, and bruised. Now he was so much worse. Now he was dead except for the machines keeping life in him. There was nothing left here.

This was her work. She had done this.

"Please wake up," she begged.

She couldn't even reach out to touch him, needing both hands to keep herself standing.

"I'm so sorry." She barely recognised her voice anymore. Her eyes were clouded, her throat constricted. "I've killed you. I've lost our baby."

There was nothing more to say. She sunk back into her chair, her legs unable to support her anymore. She took his hand and pressed his cold skin against her face, peppered kisses on his knuckles. She could just smell his skin, that same smell that lingered on their sheets when he was gone.

Time jumped again. She was using his hand as a pillow, dozing lightly when the door opened. She knew from the sound, she didn't open her eyes. Hackett would be here to take her back to her room, away from Kaidan. Or his parents had come to say goodbye, only to find his killer curled up at his bedside. Either way she didn't have the strength to deal with it.

"So it's true, then."

Ivy opened her eyes, a sudden panic, a visceral fight-or-flight response to that voice. She couldn't defend herself like this. She couldn't defend him. All she could do was grip his hand tighter and pray her body cooperated if she needed to fight.

Miranda Lawson stood in the doorway, the light at her back casting most of her face in shadow.

"Wh-what do you want?" Ivy slurred, trying to keep her eyes open.

"I want to help."

Miranda walked into the room uninvited and picked up Kaidan's chart from the end of his bed and thumbed through it.

"Don't n-need you."

"Heart, lungs, spinal cord, attendant systems," Miranda murmured to herself. "I can work with this."

"St-st-stay away from him," Ivy moaned. Her mouth wouldn't work right, her tongue was thick and dry and she couldn't speak without slurring and stammering.

Miranda looked at her, one of those rare, disconcerting moments of genuine upset. "Commander, I know that I'm the last person you want treating Major Alenko, but this hospital doesn't have anyone qualified to do the level of synthetic work required to save him. I'm the only person who can do this."

The words took a long time to piece themselves together in her brain. Save him. Miranda was saying that she could save him.

"Why would you...?"

"I owe you this much, Commander."

Ivy looked at Kaidan, ashen and dying. She didn't know what to think or feel, but suddenly she wasn't so tired. "Can... can you?"

Miranda gave a short nod. "I believe so. I'll need time. And funding, but I'm sure you'll come up with something."

"Money's not a problem. You can fix him?" her voice broke.

"I'll do my best."

Ivy buried her face in his large, limp hand. She couldn't believe that. She couldn't be so lucky, this was some sort of dream. If she pinned her hopes of Miranda bringing him back and it failed she would curl up and die, she was sure of it. She laughed tearfully. No difference, then. What did she have to lose?

"His parents," she said. "You'll need their permission."

Miranda held his file toward her. "You're his next-of-kin, Shepard."

Ivy screwed up her face as her heart crumpled again. He must have changed it. She tried to speak, but her throat closed over and all she could do was sob. This had to work. He had to come back to her.

She nodded, unable to speak, letting her tears soak Kaidan's hand and her bawling be muffled against his skin.

"I'll make preparations immediately. We don't have time to waste."

Ivy heard the door close behind Miranda. She held Kaidan's hand to her face and sobbed helplessly. If there was a chance... any chance...

She closed her eyes and the world changed again.


	56. Epilogue

**Hello, Time Bomb**

**Epilogue**

* * *

Kaidan didn't think he'd ever been so nervous. He leaned heavily on his cane, trying not to get knocked over by the crowd of people around him. It was tough trying to stand up for so long, Miranda didn't want him supporting his own weight at all yet, but he could get through the pain. The more he worked at it, the sooner he'd be back to his old self. Anyway, he didn't think he could sit still if he tried.

Vancouver spaceport was busy. There were a few dreadnoughts and mass transports deboarding in outer atmosphere, sending down shuttle after shuttle, anxious family and friends jostling in the arrivals lounge. He was looking for one frigate between the smaller ships, a distinctive silhouette.

He had butterflies. He hadn't had butterflies since he was a teenager. It was just Ivy, he reasoned, it hadn't been two months since they last saw each other, not even a week since they spoke. She had been in and out of blackout zones and swamped with work, heading up the investigation into Sanctuary. It was strange this time, different. Maybe it was because she was going to finally meet his parents. Maybe it was because it was so public.

Ever since Lazarus he'd been acutely aware that her skin was only a few years old, wrinkle free and unscarred. She was the only person he knew who had grown younger over the years and she'd been gorgeous to start with. He wasn't getting younger. Grey hair, crows feet and now a cane. Between the looks he was getting from people recognising him and the looks they'd get for their apparent age difference they were bound to set off every one of Ivy's public attention issues.

And yeah, maybe he was a little nervous about how she'd see him. He was in rehab, he'd get better in time, but for now he was hobbling around like an old man.

"Excuse me?"

He turned around, already knowing what he'd see. That tone of voice only meant one thing. A young woman was blushing, averting her eyes shyly.

"Are you...? Can I get a photo?" she asked.

"Sure," he said, used to the drill by now. She turned to stand beside him and held up her omnitool. He put his free arm around her shoulder and smiled, trying to look relaxed.

The flash went off and she quickly stepped away. "Thank you. And... and... thank you."

"No problem," he said, trying for that relaxed smile again.

The girl blushed vibrantly and backed away, giving him a nod of appreciation before disappearing into the crowd. He didn't think he'd ever be comfortable being so recognisable.

From the corner of his eye he saw someone having trouble with security and somehow he just... knew.

The smile on his face was genuine when he turned to see her arguing with a customs agent. She was in civvies, he didn't think he'd ever seen her in anything but her uniform. Now she was wearing jeans and had his jacket draped over her shoulders, comically baggy and secured at her waist with a belt. And sunglasses, the huge kind that obscured half her face and were causing an argument with the poor bastard who needed to scan her.

Kaidan limped over, his progress slow, giving him plenty of time to hear the argument.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, but you'll have to take them off."

"No."

"If you continue to refuse I will be forced to call security."

She stared at him blankly. "No."

"I... I'll have to..." The poor guy was completely thrown off.

Kaidan stepped in. "Excuse me, sorry. She's cleared."

He ran his omnitool over the customs interface, overriding it with Spectre clearance.

Ivy turned to face him, pulling her sunglasses off. She lit up, pupils dilating, a dazzling smile spreading across her face. She didn't say anything, just staring at him like he was the best thing she'd ever seen. He felt the anxiety ease up and returned her smile.

"Oh. You're..." The customs guy tried to fade into the background. "Sorry, sir, ma'am."

"Kaidan," Ivy breathed. "I thought I was picking you up from the hospital."

He rubbed the back of his neck bashfully. "I got out a few days ago. Wanted to surprise you."

"You're..." She looked down at his legs. "Does this mean we can have sex again?"

Kaidan laughed, mostly at the way the customs guy looked like he wanted the ground to swallow him. "Well, not right now, but..."

If she knew how inappropriate she was being, she was good at hiding it. He held out a hand to her and she took it, using the other to heft her duffel bag over her shoulder. He led the way, through the crowd, she wasn't going to say or do anything else with so many people around. It would have been nice to find some private corner where he could say a proper hello, hug her and kiss her and tell her he'd missed her. Unfortunately the spaceport was low on privacy and he was forced to move at a frustratingly slow pace. It would have driven him crazy if he hadn't been in a wheelchair until a week ago. By comparison it felt like he was flying.

Ivy was patient, squeezing his hand gently as they walked. They stayed in silence until they were well into the parking lot, where the crowds thinned out and no one was looking at them anymore. When he stopped at the rental car he was driving while in Vancouver she nearly pulled him off balance with a sudden, vise-like hug.

He staggered but caught himself, dropping his cane to the ground to wrap his arms around her. She groaned against his chest, her worry finally showing through. "I kept having a nightmare that you'd never walk again. I thought I'd paralysed you."

He pressed a kiss into her hair. "Miranda brought you back from the dead; my spine was child's play for her."

"I know, I know," she breathed. He felt a shiver run through her. This had really been weighing on her.

"Hey." He cupped her face in one hand and urged her to look at him. Her eyes were shining with tears. "You saved my life. Legs or no legs."

He meant it. It had sure as hell crossed his mind more than once in the past four months that he wouldn't walk again. But he was alive and with her, he couldn't ask much more than that.

"I also shot you."

"The _Reapers_ did that, sweetheart. You know that."

She gave him a soggy smile and nodded. This was a conversation they'd had a few times now. He knew what she was going through. The guilt. The nagging, constant guilt of hurting someone she loved even if he'd forgiven her. He leaned down and kissed her, holding her close for comfort.

"I missed you," he murmured against her lips.

"Missed you," she agreed, kissing him again.

He smiled and nuzzled her cheek, stroking her neck, just enjoying the feel of her after so long. He would have liked to stay like that all day but the muscles of his legs and back had wasted from bed rest and were beginning to hurt enough to trouble him. He pulled back and looked down at his cane where it had fallen.

"Would you mind?" It was embarrassing to ask for help, but Ivy bent down and handed it to him without fanfare. She tossed her bag into the back seat and waited patiently for him to make his way around to the drivers side. It felt good to slide into the cushioned seat, his lower back was aching fiercely.

He took off and settled them into a gentle cruising speed.

"Are you ready for this?" he asked.

"No."

She was so serious about it that he fought the urge to laugh. Half of his relationship with Ivy was anticipation and he knew she would be taking this with the same gravity as the Reaper war or hunting Saren.

"They're just my parents. This isn't a tactical exercise."

She was unimpressed. "This is unfamiliar."

"They're going to love you." Alright, that was a lie. They were only human and would be completely put off. He hadn't even begun to catalogue the ways this could and inevitably would go wrong, and even if he had she had a habit of surprising him. But the calmer she was the more he could hide his own concern about how this meeting was going to go.

He had no doubt – none – that in time they would love her as much as he did. She just had a warming up period, one he hoped would be as quick and painless as possible.

She didn't look like she was buying it. Actually, she looked a bit distracted. She was messing with the sleeve of her jacket – his jacket – and on closer inspection it looked like one of the metal buttons was stuck to her wrist. She saw him looking and gave an exasperated sigh, tugging at the button.

"EDI and I have been trying to demagnetise my cuffs without surgery. I'm getting strange surges."

"You're magnetic now?" He tried to hide his smile again and she gave him a scathing look.

"Sometimes," she grunted, trying to remove the button. "I'm not grounded here. Perfect. This is just perfect."

She sighed and leaned her head against the window, her shoulders hunched and tense, still picking at the button.

Kaidan reached over and took her hand. "You don't have to be so nervous."

"This is one of those things, isn't it? One of those tests I can't fail."

"There's no test," he said firmly. There was no point trying to convince her this would go smoothly. "Come on. After everything we've been through do you think my parents could change how I feel about you? How we feel about each other?"

She softened, looking up at him with an abashed smile. "No."

"Then relax. We'll go there, eat some food, drink some beer, sleep in until midday and then it's just you and me again. Alright?"

"Alright. Ground rules?"

"My dad lost a friend in Moscow so don't go there. No husk stories while people are eating. No talking about sex. And mom has a cat, don't freak out."

Her hands curled in an involuntary defensive movement. "A cat."

"He's friendly, it's alright."

She hated animals. Moscow was overrun with packs of dogs and other strays. She'd confessed one night, blushing and glassy-eyed, that she'd had to fight feral animals for food scraps as a kid. But his mom loved that cat and there was no way to avoid it.

"Alright. Cat." She took a deep breath and let it out with a sigh. She stared out the window and he started to think this wasn't such a great idea. It was difficult sometimes to deal with her problems. He didn't kid himself about how difficult it could be, he didn't think she'd get spontaneously better or would somehow find ways to make things work. He'd made a promise to himself never to bully her into pretending she was completely healthy, no matter how much he wanted it sometimes.

"We don't have to do this. Not if you don't want it."

"I want it," she answered immediately. She met his eyes and he could see she was scared, but she was also brave. "I want this. I want to see..."

"How the other half lives?" he suggested

"Yes." She squeezed his hand. "I want to be part of your life."

That goofy smile sprung to his lips, the same one that only she could give him. There were a lot of days when he didn't need her to be healthy, a lot of days when she was better than normal. He was proud to bring her home to meet his folks.

More relaxed, Kaidan settled back into his seat and focused on driving while Ivy watched the city fly by out the window. He had been mentally compiling a list of all the things he needed to take her to see while he had her there. He'd been staying with his parents since leaving the hospital. Miranda and his mother had simultaneously insisted that he shouldn't be alone. Ivy had let him take control of her shore leave planning and he'd found them a decent hotel for the rest of her trip.

He wanted to do this right. This was her first holiday. The first real one where she might let herself have some fun that didn't have an accompanying graph or cost/benefit analysis.

It was nice to see her in civvies. She looked more mature, more relaxed. Not so lost. She'd given up alliance blues when she took on full time Spectre duties, but kept the military grade jumpsuit the last few times she'd visited him. But now it looked like she had clothes that weren't infiltration gear. He'd have to buy her a Blasto t-shirt. She loved those movies.

As they cruised into the landing pad in front of his parents' house he heard her taking deliberately even breaths.

It was nothing special, like any other house in the neighbourhood, an old fashioned two storey place with huge windows. Mostly intact, although the roof still hadn't been repaired from where it had been hit with falling debris. Building contractors couldn't be found at any price since the war. A lot of people had just done the repairs themselves but his parents were a little too old to be climbing around on the roof. He'd do it himself when his legs healed.

When they landed he struggled to get out of the car. Ivy politely looked away, leaning behind the seat to get her bag. He wasn't going to miss being so clumsy when his surgeries and rehab were done.

Ivy tucked herself under his arm as they walked to the front door. She was shaking but straight-faced. A little blank, even.

He opened the front door and felt her tense up.

"It's fine. You're doing great," he whispered against her temple.

"I haven't done anything yet," she muttered.

Kaidan shucked his jacket at the door, hanging it on one of the hooks, then held his hand out for hers. She hesitated, then dropped her duffel and pulled off the jacket.

"That you, son?" his father called from the other room.

"Yeah."

He heard the creak of the leather chair and his father's footsteps. He appeared in the doorway and Kaidan thought Ivy was going to fall over if she stiffened up anymore. He bit down on the inside of his cheek. She reminded him of a young soldier about to go into a hot zone for the first time.

His father didn't look anything like him, paler, lighter hair and a broader nose. Kaidan favoured his mother for looks. Same greying hair, though, so he knew what he had to look forward to in a few years' time.

"Ivy, this is my dad, Matthew. Dad, this is Ivy."

His dad's eyes widened a little, but he hid his surprise fairly well. "Ivy _Shepard._ "

"Yes," she said. "Hello."

"Pleasure to meet you," he said, recovering quickly. "Kaidan's told us a lot about you. Failed to mention your last name, somehow."

Ivy nodded shortly and said nothing. Ah, so she was going for the silent approach. He tucked her hair behind her ear, trying to get her to focus on him instead of his father. She needed a minute. "Why don't you go throw your bag upstairs? Second door on the left."

"Yes."

She kept her eyes on the ground and rushed for the staircase. Kaidan needed a minute with his dad anyway. If the old man didn't say something he was going to give himself a hernia.

His dad nodded toward the kitchen and Kaidan followed.

"Quiet girl."

"Yeah, she's a little shy."

"Something you forget to mention?"

"What's that?" His mom looked up from the bench in the kitchen where she was setting a hot tray from the oven down. She looked a little worn out, her neat hairstyle and prim grey clothes at odds with the bright red oven mitts she was sporting.

"We have Commander Ivana Shepard in our guest bedroom."

"It's Ivy," Kaidan corrected.

His mom raised an eyebrow. She looked like she didn't know whether to be impressed or disappointed. "Commander Shepard?"

"His CO."

"Yes, I'm aware of who she is, Matthew."

"She's not anymore," Kaidan said. "And I'm fairly sure they're not going to court martial us at this stage."

His father gave him that disapproving look. "Regs are there for a reason, son."

"Didn't she shoot you? How long has this been going on?"

Kaidan winced and glanced at his feet.

"Jesus Christ," his dad muttered.

His mom looked away for a moment, thinking, then back at him. "After the _Normandy_ was shot down. That episode you had, the psych leave..."

He looked down again. "Yeah."

"Oh, my boy." His mom reached out and squeezed his hand. She looked so sad for him. "You could have told us."

He smiled. "Thanks, Mom. It's alright. She's alive, I'm alive and she's not going to be in the service for much longer. Just please give her a chance, she's a little weird but – "

He was cut off by the sound of a cat screeching upstairs. Kaidan closed his eyes just briefly. Perfect.

His mother looked alarmed but he held up a hand to reassure her and made his way as quickly as possible upstairs. The stairs were something he'd told himself were important to build up the muscles in his legs when he'd come to stay, but when they were between him and a possibly panicking Ivy they were just a wall of frustration that he couldn't climb over quickly enough. If she'd killed that damn cat he was going to have to do some serious work to get his mother to like her.

Thankfully the cat staggered around the corner just as he hit the top stair. Every strand of its hair was standing on end, puffed it out like a giant ball of fur and he started to get a picture of what had happened.

Ivy was peering around the doorframe of the guest bedroom, her eyes wide, looking even more surprised than his mother.

"It was an accident," she said in a small voice.

"It's alright. He's fine. What happened?"

He heard his mother at the base of the stairs, scooping up the cat and muttering under her breath to it.

"It surprised me," Ivy said. "And my cuff..."

"It's okay. Come on." He held out a hand to her. She looked like she was going to shake apart over this. She reached out and took his hand. The cuff sparked and a jolt of electricity shot into his hand. He grunted but held firm, not letting her pull her hand back.

She looked up at him with big, helpless eyes, like she was begging him to save her from herself and he laughed. "Relax. Come on, come meet my mom."

He tugged her gently back toward the stairs. She squared her shoulders as they went. She automatically ducked under his arm at the top of the stairs, helping to support him back down. His mom was standing in the doorway to the living room, holding the cat and looking extremely suspicious.

"I'm sorry," Ivy said preemptively.

Kaidan gave his mother an apologetic smile. "Synthetic rebuilds. They can be a little touchy."

"Of course, dear," his mom said in a tone that said she wasn't having any of it. "You must be Commander Shepard."

"It's Ivy," she said.

"Helen." She held out her hand but Ivy didn't take it.

"She's electrocuting people right now, Mom. I wouldn't."

His mom took that in for a moment, that eyebrow raising again. "I'm about to serve dinner. I hope you're hungry."

Ivy said nothing. Kaidan guided her toward the dining room but hung back to murmur to his mother, "She's terrified of you. Give her a break, will you?"

"I'm trying, dear. She's not exactly personable."

"No, she's not. But I love her and you. So try harder?"

She smoothed a hand through his hair affectionately. "I'll try harder."

When they sat down to eat Kaidan didn't think he'd ever been in a more awkward situation. His mother was trying to be polite but looked like she had a headache coming on and was fighting the urge to pinch the bridge of her nose. His father was trying to show Ivy due respect as the saviour of the galaxy while at the same time glowering in disapproval at Kaidan. And Ivy, for her part, had completely shut down, speaking in single syllables and not meeting anyone's eye. It was obvious his parents thought she hated them.

He sighed and cracked open a beer. This was about what he expected.

He had just about given up hope for the evening when Ivy managed to take her first bite of food. Her whole face changed, her eyes widened and she pressed a hand to her mouth. "What is this?"

His mom looked at her, fork half raised to her mouth, eyebrow raised. "Pasta."

"It's amazing." She took another huge mouthful, seeming to forget her anxiety.

"You've... never eaten pasta?"

"Mm-mm," she hummed through a full mouth.

Kaidan bit his cheek to stop from grinning. There weren't a lot of things that cracked his mother's stern exterior, but she looked completely bewildered by this turn of events. She cleared her throat and composed herself. "Well, you'll have to learn to cook it. I taught Kaidan how to cook when he was younger."

Ivy smiled. Really smiled. "He's a good cook."

"He cooks for you?"

"Sometimes. After –"

Kaidan cleared his throat, interrupting her. His mother smothered a smile in her hand.

"After... missions," Ivy finished lamely. "He cooks good eggs. And pancakes. Have you had those?"

His mom was actually smiling. It was the kind of smug, knowing smile she used to send him whenever he talked to a girl after school, but he'd take it. "He never learned how to cook a proper pancake. I'll make some in the morning and show you how it's done."

Ivy had her mouth full of food again, her lips flecked with pasta sauce. She was watching his mother with rapt attention, like she was talking about a cure for old age instead of pancakes. His mom was sipping her wine more easily now, talking animatedly about cooking to her enraptured audience.

Kaidan relaxed, letting his shoulders drop a little and loosening his hold on his beer. One down, one to go. His mom would talk his dad into easing up. He had always been a stickler for discipline. Saviour of the galaxy or not, he wasn't impressed by fraternisation.

They got through nearly the entire meal without another incident. His mom picked up the need to carry the conversation quickly and his dad looked like he was softening a little at Ivy's wide-eyed fascination with domestic life. It wasn't until all their plates were clean that a little _twing_ sounded in the air and Ivy's fork snapped to her wrist, spattering the tablecloth red.

She blushed so brightly that she almost matched the sauce and started picking at the fork, trying to dislodge it.

His father cocked his head. "What's all that, then?"

"It's just... it's just a magnet," Ivy stammered.

"A magnet?"

"They implanted my cuffs after I picked the first set." Her eyes were cast downwards again. Kaidan shot his father a warning glare. Her time in Alliance custody would always be a sore spot.

Dad ignored him. "You picked a pair of mag cuffs?"

"Yes."

"Kaidan," his mother said a little too forcefully. "Help me clear the table."

He hesitated, not quite ready to leave Ivy and his dad alone together. But his mom's expression said she wouldn't hear any arguments, so he stood up, loaded one hand with dishes and limped into the kitchen with his cane behind her.

She didn't say anything, just took the dishes from him and set them beside the sink then began to scrape and stack them, slowly and meticulously. She was waiting for him to talk. He settled himself against the counter, taking some of the weight off his legs.

"Are you sure it's a good idea to leave them together?" he asked.

She scoffed. "Are you forgetting who taught you electronics? She might win him over with this one. I wouldn't mind knowing about the cuffs, mind you."

"She was falsely accused. Well, sort of. She's a good soldier, Mom, and a good woman. I want you to trust me on this one."

"You know her better than I do, dear. What do you know about her family?"

"She doesn't have one."

"Everyone has parents."

"Her mother's dead, she never knew her father." He sighed. "Just say it."

"Are you sure this is what you want?"

"She's..."

His mom turned to him and folded her arms, leaving the dishes. "I have no doubt that she's brave and sweet and probably has a list of good qualities that you're preparing to give me. And obviously she has my respect for her work as a soldier. But, Kaidan, she's not well. She may not be able to give you what you need from a partner. I want to know that you're happy."

Kaidan pressed his lips together, trying to think how to explain this to her. Ivy was a puzzle to people who didn't know her, he didn't expect them to understand on the first meeting just how great she could be. "She gives me what I need, ma. She makes me happy. We make each other happy. This is what I want."

"Well that's good to know if she's going to be my daughter-in-law."

"We haven't..." he trailed off when he saw the look on her face.

"Don't play dumb. No son of mine would be stupid enough to think a woman like that needs anything less than a full commitment."

He heard a crack of electricity from the dining room, followed by a burst of laughter from his father. His mom gave him her best 'I am an all-seeing mother, don't try to fool me' look.

"Alright, you got me." Kaidan wanted to be irritated with her for prying, but he couldn't keep the smile off his face. "So you approve?"

His mom took his hand in both of hers and smiled at him, her eyes crinkling, one of those rare, proud, loving smiles that he treasured. "If you love her, then so do I. I'm so proud of you, my boy."

He pulled her into a hug, tucking her under his chin. "That means a lot, ma."

There was another guffaw from the dining room and his mother turned, bemused. "What do you think they're doing in there?"

"She's probably teaching him how to turn his omnitool into a taser. That was a big hit on the _Normandy_."

His mom rolled her eyes. "Heaven help me, a house full of marines. My grandchildren aren't joining the military. Consider that an order from your real commanding officer."

"Yes, ma'am," he laughed.

"Come on, we'd better keep them out of trouble." She opened the fridge and pulled out some more beers. He took them from her in one hand and they made their way back to the dining room where Ivy was hunched over his father's omnitool with a bobby pin.

She gave him a dazzling smile as she took the beer he offered. He sat down beside her and she leaned against him, letting him put an arm around her shoulders.

His dad met his eyes and gave a slight nod, a restrained smile on his face. Kaidan tipped his beer in appreciation. That was the closest the old man would ever get to approving, and it was enough.

Later, much later, after his mom had grilled Ivy for every detail she could get and dad had regaled her with fifty-year-old war stories and both of them had eventually grown tired and gone to bed, he took Ivy up to the balcony that looked out over English Bay.

It was just as beautiful as he remembered it, the lights of the city reflecting off the ocean. The skyline had changed a bit, but it was still home and it felt so good to be there with her. She leaned against the balcony railing and looked out over the water, hypnotised, the moonlight on her hair and her eyes sparkling.

"So," he said, wrapping an arm around her waist. "What do you think?"

"Well. I electrocuted your mother's cat. I stole one of her forks. I reminded them that I'm an accused terrorist with over three hundred thousand confirmed kills." She took a swig of her beer. "I'd say it went well."

He laughed into her hair. "They like you."

"I like them. This is still confusing."

"It's family. This is what family does. We bicker, tell boring stories, drink too much beer."

She let out a contented sigh. "I like it."

Kaidan took a deep breath, his earlier burst of anxiety returning. "They could be your family, too."

She looked up at him, questioning. His heart thumped hard in his chest. He pulled a box out of his pocket and opened it, setting it on the balcony. He would have gone down on one knee for any other woman. But Ivy hated fuss, she wouldn't want to be put on the spot like that. He didn't say anything else, letting her consider the ring at her own pace.

She picked up the box and looked at it like it was some foreign object. He had spent a lot of time picking out the perfect ring. Something twisty, sparkling, impractical. Something that wasn't regulation, wasn't military issued and that she could never wear under a hardsuit. Something just for her, like she deserved.

"A family," she said in that neutral tone that gave nothing away and was driving his blood pressure up by the second.

"Yeah," he whispered into her hair.

"You and I. And your parents. Another baby."

God, she was going to kill him. "Yeah."

She set her beer down on the rail. His heart was beating so fast he felt light-headed as she reached out to touch the ring, then hesitated and looked up at him with glassy eyes. She spoke in a whisper, like someone was going to overhear. "Is it safe to do this?"

Kaidan let his cane drop to the ground so that he could pull her close with both arms. His eyes stung, his hands shook. With his wheelchair and now the cane, with all the surgeries, with the ugly scars to his chest it was easy to forget that her war wounds were just as deep.

"No one is going to take you from me," he breathed into her hair. "No one is even going to try. We can get married, we can have a baby, no one's after us anymore. It's safe now, sweetheart. We're safe. I'm going to keep you safe."

She shuddered in his arms, but nodded. "I love you."

"I love you, too." He stroked her hair until she stopped trembling. "Is that a yes?"

She laughed, half a sob, and pulled away to press the back of her hand to her nose. "Yes. Yes, it's a yes."

Kaidan grinned, his heart breaking and lifting at the same time. They were both a little broken, but they'd paid their dues and might just have bought themselves a chance to heal. He'd never actually thought they'd make it this far, but they had. It felt like they could take on the galaxy together.

He pulled the ring out of its box and took her hand. She let him slide the ring onto her finger, using her other hand to muffle her tearful laughter. When he had the diamond fitted on her finger she looked up at him, then reached up on tiptoes to kiss him. He cupped her face in his hands and returned it.

"You said we could have sex again?" she asked.

Kaidan laughed. "Yeah, I did."

She reached down and picked up his cane, handing it to him before ducking under his other arm to help him walk. "Then let's go."

He laughed into her hair. "Yes, ma'am."


End file.
